The best anti-jokes!
Jokes that are so bad
they are actually really good...
See also:Dad Jokes
What goes tttthhh?
A snake with a lisp
Do you know what were my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the
How far do you think I can kick this bucket here?
Why are bananas curved?
To fit into the skin, which is curved.
What did the hammer say to the thumb?
Nice to meet you.
A drummer and a bass player jump off a skyscraper – Boom Boom.
Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles."
What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?
A zebra with a sun burn.
At the doctor's office:
Doctor, “Hello Mr. Crinkey, how are you?”
Patient, “I’m fine, thank you.”
Doctor, “Well what the heck
are you doing here?! Next!”
“How old are you again?”
“I’m 12, grandpa.”
“Huh, at your
age, I was already 13!”
“I am a master of fast calculations.”
“OK, what is 758 time 642
divided by 5?”
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
“Might be, but it was fast!”
My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?! Hasn’t he seen
how many of their owners go blind?!”
What is green and sits crying in the corner?
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you
get angry, you still look cute.
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?
what is it?
Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.
Where do we get virgin wool from?
What is white and sits on your TV?
A fly wearing a nightie.
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
has diabetes now.
What's the best way to solve my money problems?
Wrap yourself in a blanket and lay yourself on the
porch of a millionaire family.
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad
What do you call a deer with no eye?
What do you call a
deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
What did the cowboy say to the cow that stood on the barn roof?
Get down, cow!
One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
What is transparent and smells like worms?
A bird's fart :-)
What is the tallest piece of furniture?
The bookcase. It’s
got the most stories.
Why is soccer so dangerous?
Because of the constant shootings.
Last words of a highly poisonous snake?
"Drat, I bit myself on
One friend to another:
Why are you giving me an apricot?
I heard there’s no way you can get
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the
Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir
but we're currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
A woman starts chatting to a man on a subway: "Hello my name is Margaret."
The man replies: "Mine not."
What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.
It’s always scary when a computer turns into a zombie. It has many
What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
would get wet.
I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him
How can you open a banana?
With a monkey!
What would you call a very funny mountain?
Question: What is green and has big, sturdy wheels?
grass. The wheels were a lie.
I was devastated to hear that Peter died. Are
you coming to his funeral?
And why should I? He’s not coming to mine,
Why do we consider chickens as friendly animals?
lay their eggs instead of throwing them.
What tea can vary in taste from bitter to sweet?
My wife told me I'm crazy. That’s just stupid! I don't even have a wife.
You’ll never believe whom I saw yesterday!
Everybody I laid my eyes on!
Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the
feeling somebody is watching me."
Oh, they were laughing when I told them I’m becoming a stand-up
comedian. Well, ha! They’re not laughing now!
Two undies meet, one says to the other, "Hey, have you been on holiday?
You got so nice and brown!"
What would Bears become without Bees?
Two tomatoes walk across the street. One of them screams: "Careful there's a truck comi...SPLASH!!!!"
If I were to choose between dating and eating a soup – I think I’d
rather eat the soup. Not much point in dating it.
What is yellow and smells of bananas?
A horse goes into a bar.
Barkeeper: "Why such a long face?"
“In our traditional farm hotel, you are woken by the call of the
“Very good, please tell him 9 o’clock.”
Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally? It would keep clapping if you ran down the stairs. Ok, now stop imagining it.
On the scale of 1 to 10, how quickly can you get excited?
of all, isn’t this scale awesome?!
At the movies: “Sorry we’re all sold out down to the last place.”
“Excellent, I’ll have the last place then.”
What is a cannibal’s natural first choice in a restaurant?
A guy orders at a bakery, "I'd like 19 buns please."
suggests, "I think you should take 20, sir."
"Why?" asks the man,
The baker replies, "That way, you would have one more!"
What is yellow and black and flies?
A group of mustard seeds in
When a tampon and a sanitary pad are competing at the races, which of
them is going to win?
The pad! The tampon keeps tripping on the
What is the difference between a soccer star and a bank robber?
The bank robber goes, “Give me the money or I shoot!”
The soccer star goes, “Give me the money or I don’t shoot!”
I saw you with a new guy. Is it something serious?
No, we do
laugh from time to time.
What is black
and white and waits on the washing line?
A fly in a wedding dress.
Dad to his son: "I have nothing against us sharing an opinion, as long
as it means that I keep my opinion and you share mine."
My teacher said I should walk a mile in his shoes so I’d know how hard
it is to be a teacher. Now I‘m a mile away and I still don’t have any
idea what he’s talking about.
What is the difference between an eggplant and a chicken?
They're both purple, except for the chicken.
Two cows sit in the basement, chopping up oil.
A screwdriver goes in
through the door, goes up the wall, crosses the ceiling, heads back down the
other wall and goes out through the second door.
One cow looks at
the other and says, "This is insane, did you see that?" "Yeah, totally
insane, he never greets."
What happens when a snowman gets angry?
He’ll be having a
meltdown until he’s down to earth again.
What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
When I’m bored, I imitate everybody.
But that’s no way for an adult
But that’s no way for an adult to behave.
on, stop being stupid.
Come on, stop being stupid.
How did Moses cut the sea in half?
With a seasaw.
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Cows are from the
The last 4 letters in the word "queue" are silent. Can they be waiting their
A guy files for a divorce. Only two days after he hears that his wife’s father
died and left her a huge heritage worth a million dollars.
He calls his wife
and says: “Honey, I’m pregnant!”
Job Interviewer, “Why are you wearing jogging pants?”
is customary dress code where I come from.”
“Where do you come
Accepting all those cookies on websites is extra hard when you’re
Isn’t it funny that when boats get sick, they actually go to the doc(k)?
The nurse is registering a new patient, “When is your birthday?”
patient replies, “October 22.”
The nurse asks, “What year?”
The patient shrugs, “Every year!”