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Bad Jokes

The best bad joke first: What sits up a tree and goes "Aaaaaah"? An owl with a speech impediment.
Our funniest categories:

Man with a megaphone telling bad one-liners
Jokes that are so tasteless, awkward, sick and corny they are actually really good...

Woman calls the police: “Is it the police I'm with.”
Police officer: “If you are with the police why would you call here?”
A man sees a shooting star.
“Oh, how nice! I can make a wish! I want a woman who knows what she wants!”
The shooting star pauses briefly, then turns around.
Do you know what were my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket?
How far do you think I can kick this bucket here?

Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally?
Answer: It would keep clapping if you ran down the stairs. Ok, now stop imagining it. 
What are the last words of a highly poisonous snake?
"Drat, I bit myself on the tongue!"
One friend to another:

Why are you giving me an apricot?
I heard there’s no way you can get a date.
At a psychologist:

Man: “I'm in love with my horse.”
Psychologist: “Is it a male horse?”
Man: “What the… No! Of course not! That would be disgusting!”
Two undies meet, one says to the other, "Hey, have you been on holiday? You got so brown!"
Patient: "How long do I have to live?"
Doctor: "Hm, how could I break it to you? Well, I wouldn't buy a ticket to the cinema anymore."
Cliffhanger endings are incredibly frustrating. They just
I started an affair with a blind woman. It took me a while before I could imitate her husbands voice.
My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?! Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

Being a 24-year-old virgin sucked, I’m glad nobody can say that about me anymore.
I’m 25 now.
A horse goes into a bar.
Barkeeper: "Why such a long face?"
Where do we get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.
Where do you bring sick horses?
Into the horsespital

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.
Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they’re bitter.
Funny frisbee joke
Question: I have an extra-large nose, three eyes and thirty teeth. What am I?
Answer: Ugly
Two youngsters knock on a house door. A middle-aged woman opens. One of the youngsters smiles and says, "Sorry to disturb you ma’am, but we are collecting for the local children's home."
The lady turns her head and yells: Johnny! Pack your things!!!
I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
Question: Why did the cow cross the road?
Answer: It wanted to go to the mooovies.
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
What is yellow and can’t swim?
An excavator.
Did you find it funny?
Neither did the excavator operator.
 Have you been picking your nose again?!
Why would I?! I’ve had it since I was born!

I was down to my last 100 dollars. I really didn’t know what to do. So I asked myself the key question. What would Jesus do? And then I went and turned it into wine.
Funny fart joke
What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
They would get wet.
Waiter, I am outraged. There is a hair in my soup.
And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
Toilet jokes? Nah, not my number one jokes, really.

But a good, solid number two!
A moth visits a doctor, “Doctor please help me… I cut myself very badly 2 hours ago.”
The doctor takes a look and says, “Goodness me, that looks bad! Why didn’t you come earlier?”

The moth says, “I waited for the lights to turn on in your office …”

Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
A bed.
At work:

Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?
Of course, what is it?
Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.
Online question:

What's the best way to solve my money problems?
Wrap yourself in a blanket and lay yourself on the porch of a millionaire family.
How to solve sleeping problems?
Cut the legs of your bed. You'll sleep deeper.
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Michael: The good news.

Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
Bad jokes
What is transparent and smells like worms?
A bird's fart :-)
Why did you put your husband’s ashes in a glass urn?

Because he always wanted to know what's going on in the world around him.

The last 4 letters in the word "queue" are silent. Can they be waiting their turn?
What is the tallest piece of furniture?

The bookcase. It’s got the most stories.
A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the face.”
Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”
 What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
A Golden Receiver.
Why are eggs not very much into jokes?
Because they could crack up.
Why is it scary when a computer turns into a zombie.
It has many mega-bites.
I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision.
Men are from Mars.

Women are from Venus.

Cows are from the Moooooooooon.
What would you call a very funny mountain?
"Hill Arious"
Question: What is green and has big, sturdy wheels?
Answer: The grass. The wheels were a lie.
I was devastated to hear that Peter died. Are you coming to his funeral?

And why should I? He’s not coming to mine, either.
Why do we consider chickens as friendly animals?
Because they lay their eggs instead of throwing them.
Oh, they were laughing when I told them I’m becoming a stand-up comedian. Well, ha! They’re not laughing now!
My wife told me I'm crazy. That’s just stupid! I don't even have a wife.
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