The best anti-jokes!
Jokes that are so bad, dumb and silly,
they are actually really good...
See also:Dad Jokes
Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles."
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20
times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.
What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?
A zebra with a sun burn.
“I am a master of fast calculations.”
“OK, what is 758 time 642
divided by 5?”
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
“Might be, but it was fast!”
Last week’s Clairvoyants Associated meeting was cancelled for unpredictable
My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?! Hasn’t he seen
how many of their owners go blind?!”
What is green and sits crying in the corner?
What flutters about and clearly never had a bath in its entire life?
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the
thumbs to ring the bell.
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?
what is it?
Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.
Where do we get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
What is white and sits on your TV?
A fly wearing a nightie.
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
has diabetes now.
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
What did the cowboy say to the cow that stood on the barn roof?
Get down, cow!
One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
What is transparent and smells like worms?
A bird's fart :-)
What is yellow and cannot swim?
Because it only has one arm.
What is red and drifts over a desert?
A fart with a sunburn.
What is the tallest piece of furniture?
The bookcase. It’s
got the most stories.
Last words of a highly poisonous snake?
"Drat, I bit myself on
Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.
One friend to another:
Why are you giving me an apricot?
I heard there’s no way you can get
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the
Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir
but we're currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
A woman starts chatting to a man on a subway: "Hello my name is Margaret."
The man replies: "Mine not."
What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.
It’s always scary when a computer turns into a zombie. It has many
Two skyscrapers are sitting in the cellar, knitting gasoline.
there anything odd about this?
Of course – you can only crochet
What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
would get wet.
I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him
How can you open a banana?
With a monkey!
What would you call a very funny mountain?
Question: What is green and has big, sturdy wheels?
grass. The wheels were a lie.
What do you get when you crossbreed a mail pigeon and a parrot?
A mail pigeon who stops to ask for directions.
I was devastated to hear that Peter died. Are
you coming to his funeral?
And why should I? He’s not coming to mine,
Why do we consider chickens as friendly animals?
lay their eggs instead of throwing them.
What tea can vary in taste from bitter to sweet?
You’ll never believe whom I saw yesterday! Everybody I laid my eyes on!
Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the
feeling somebody is watching me."
Oh, they were laughing when I told them I’m becoming a stand-up
comedian. Well, ha! They’re not laughing now!
Two undies meet, one says to the other, "Hey, have you been on holiday?
You got so nice and brown!"
What would Bears become without Bees?
Two tomatoes walk across the street. One of them screams: "Careful there
is a truck comi...SPLASH!!!!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It just felt like it.
If I were to choose between dating and eating a soup – I think I’d
rather eat the soup. Not much point in dating it.
What is yellow and smells of bananas? Ape vomit.
Do you know what were my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the
How far do you think I can kick this bucket here?
A horse goes into a bar.
Barkeeper: "Why such a long face?"
“In our traditional farm hotel, you are woken by the call of the
“Very good, please tell him 9 o’clock.”
How can you tell you have an elephant in your bedroom?
big "E" on his pajamas.
What is small, grey and triangular?
The shadow of the green
What is white and rolls up a mountain slope?
An avalanche who wants
to get home because it’s gotten dark already.
A gummy bear sits on a power line and says to the other gummy bear,
Why did the elephant wear green socks?
Because the red ones were
Why did the elephant swim on his back?
So his green ones
wouldn't get wet too.
Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally? It would clap
nicely if you ran down the stairs. Ok, now stop imagining it.
At the movies: “Sorry we’re all sold out down to the last place.”
“Excellent, I’ll have the last place then.”
What is a cannibal’s natural first choice in a restaurant?
A guy orders at a bakery, "I'd like 19 buns please."
suggests, "I think you should take 20, sir."
"Why?" asks the man,
The baker replies, "That way, you would have one more!"
What is yellow and black and flies?
A group of mustard seeds in
When a tampon and a sanitary pad are competing at the races, which of
them is going to win?
The pad! The tampon keeps tripping on the
What is the difference between a soccer star and a bank robber?
The bank robber goes, “Give me the money or I shoot!”
The soccer star goes, “Give me the money or I don’t shoot!”
What is black
and white and waits on the washing line?
A fly in a wedding dress.
Dad to his son: " I have nothing against us sharing an opinion, as long
as it means that I keep my opinion and you share mine."
What is the difference between an eggplant and a chicken?
They're both purple, except for the chicken.
Two cows sit in the basement, chopping up oil.
A screwdriver goes in
through the door, goes up the wall, crosses the ceiling, heads back down the
other wall and goes out through the second door.
One cow looks at
the other and says, "This is insane, did you see that?" "Yeah, totally
insane, he never greets."
A man wants to do a new parachute record: The longest freefall without
pulling the rip cord. So he jumps a plane at a huge altitude. His height
gauge shows 30 000 feet. He keeps falling.
In a while he checks the
gauge again and now it shows 15 000 feet to the ground.
seconds later it shows 12 000 feet. He continues falling. Now it’s only 3
000 feet left. He grips the rip cord firmly in his hand.
At 1 500
feet he is singing in a shaky voice. Only 300 feet left. He waits till the
Then it’s only 150, 120, 90, 60, 30 feet till the
ground. The man shrugs: Ah well, whatever. I can handle 30 feet without a
What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
When I’m bored, I imitate everybody.
But that’s no way for an adult
But that’s no way for an adult to behave.
on, stop being stupid.
Come on, stop being stupid.
A drummer and a bass player jump off a skyscraper – Boom Boom.
How did Moses cut the sea in half?
With a seasaw.
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Cows are from the
What does a farmer say when he's looking for his tractor?
The last 4 letters in the word "queue" are silent. Can they be waiting their
Mr. Smith to his boss:
Sorry boss, can I disturb you for a minute?
Boss: Yeah, no problem, what do you want?
Mr. Smith: Nothing,
really. I just needed to disturb somebody.
Isn’t it funny that when boats get sick, they actually go to the doc(k)?
What does a skeleton say when he enters a bar?
What is green, small, hairy and has three white points?