34 Quote Jokes

Best first: “What, no more ice cubes?! Engine room, 10 degrees starboard.”

- Edward John Smith (62), Captain of the Titanic

Our most popular catergories:

“I love working with animals!”
- Roland, 46, butcher

“I just want to release the child within.”
- Anne (28), heavily pregnant

Funny quote
“I just can’t take anymore.”
- Pascal, 41, freshly-caught shoplifter
Q: “What would you say is the best protection for a man?”

A: “I’m just always really nice and helpful.”

- Howard, 35, best friend to a lot of women

You open a couple of doors more during the Advent and you never hear the end of it.

- Roger, 48, prison guard

“I’m a woman, we’re multi-tasking naturally!”

- Melanie, 38, regularly taking up 2-3 parking spots at the same time
“Oh boy, I look 12 without make-up!”

- Sarah, 12

Funny quote joke
“Talk about overreaction – I just take home something small from work and they’re immediately calling the police!”
- Carl, 48, kindergarten teacher

“I hate working from home!”
- Gerald, 48, fireworker“
Come get it if you’ve got the balls for it.”
- Peter, 19, teasing his neutered cat

“I love my job, I get to play hide and seek the whole day!”
- Harry, 47, Customer consultant at a home improvement store

“It’s wonderful, I’m making new friends every day!”
- Erwin, 78, Alzheimer patient

Daily bread joke
“I ran over a deer. I have to process it now...”

- Ralph, 42, butcher

“Oh come on, so what. Lots of people lick the knife from time to time.”
- Michael, 48, surgeon looking at the horrified stares of his colleagues

“I’m sorry but I won’t be rushed. They play my song on the radio – that song plays till the end!”

- Manuel, 36, not the ambulance driver of the month

“…And I’m yelling, ‘It’s a boy! It’s a boy!’ I mean, I just couldn’t believe it, in the end I was just in tears, man…”

- Mike, 32, describing his recent traumatic holiday in Thailand

“My boyfriend always clears the browser history so I would have more storage space on the computer. He’s so considerate!“
- Cindy, 23

“I love playing hide and seek!”

 - Toshiba, 3, TV remote
Seen enough funny quotes? Discover a new category!
“Springtime always takes my breath away…”

- Linda, 45, severe allergy sufferer

“I bumped into Karen on my way home.”
- Peter (40), truck driver, didn’t see Karen in the blind spot

“Everywhere I go, I’m greeted with much warmth.”
- Dylan, 53, fireworker

“It’s crazy how guys keep running after me.”

- Sally, 44, bus driver

Focus joke
“I don’t get it. It’s the Advent, you open the 18th door, enjoy a little sweetie – and they immediately fire you!”
- Elmer, 45, guard in a female prison

“I’ve got butterflies in my tummy.”

- Jensen, 8, a boy who would eat just about anything

“You just drop one thing and they fire you. How is that fair?”

- Gwendoline, 58, Midwife
“It’s good to see good manners in people. When I pass a fellow bus driver, it’s not just me nodding in greeting – all my passengers do, too!”

- Mike, 52, likes to step on the break when passing another bus

“Hold on, I think have it exactly.”
20 minutes later, the grandma at the cash desk didn’t have it exactly.

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