Best first: A woman shouts at her husband: “Have
you been drinking again?! You promised me to try to be a different man!!”
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Her husband replies: “Guess what! The other man is drinking too.”
Henry and Anna are both 90 years old. They are both in a senior home.
One night, Henry knocks on Anna's door and convinces Anna to
have sex with him. She agrees. He finishes and leaves.
20
minutes later, he knocks again and does the same. He finishes and
leaves.
The same happens 30 minutes later and again after an
hour.
When Henry comes knocking the fifth time, Anna asks,
“Jesus, Henry, you really have the sex drive of a young trucker. How
can you do it this often?”
Henry replies, “Wait, what? We’ve
already done this tonight?!”A lovey dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the
park and she says, “My ear hurts me…” He kisses it gently and asks, “Is
it better now, my darling?”
“It’s all gone,” giggles the girl, “but now I have a pain here,” and she
points to her neck.
The boy kisses it tenderly and asks, “Better now, sweet pea?”
“It’s all healed, my love! But now I have a very bad pain here,” she
replies and points to her clavicle.
“Excuse me,” politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench,
“this is really impressive! Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?”
A grandma and a grandpa are going out for their daily health walk and
grandma can’t decide. “I don’t know, Joe, should I wear my bra do you
think?”
“Yeah, Rosie, you better, it’s quite muddy out.”
Feeling amused? Explore our
Puns section! A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for
advice. The boss says, "You know, if it were me, I'd just go home and
let my wife really take care of me in all aspects, if you know what I
mean. Now go and do just that, Roger, you look pretty bad."
-
The guy gratefully leaves and comes back the next day, looking much
better.
-
"So, how was it?" asks the boss, "Everything alright?"
-
"Yes," replies the guy, "I feel much better, thank you. By the way, you
have really nice furniture!"
A man goes to his friend, a doctor of medicine. -
Mike: “Hey Paul, do you have something against a bad hiccup?”
Paul: “Sure, close your eyes and think of a white horse.”
Mike
closes his eyes and thinks of a white horse.
Paul: “Ok, open
your eyes.”
The doctor stands in front of Mike, buck naked.
Well, Mike no longer has hiccups. And with any luck, he’ll be able
to speak again in no time. I'm so happy I did the deep breathing techniques in the birth
preparation course. I only needed it a bit later. Once my kid turned
14. Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
"So you can all be really sad when I die."
At a date: Woman: “You wrote in your dating
profile that you are 5’9’’. But you are no taller than 5’5’’.” Man:
“Technically, I am 5’9’’. It’s just differently distributed (wink).”
Ah, the modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a
youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street.
Doctor says to his patient: “Your liver results are
back. And frankly, they’re very surprising considering that I only
allowed you one glass of wine per week.”
-
The patient shrugs: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am
going to?”
A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember
her face. Two old schoolfriends meet. One shows her friend a
picture of the man she married: “Isn't he handsome?”
The other:
“Yes, he isn't handsome.”Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly
they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are
passed by a headless bicyclist.
Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about
you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”
Why are seniors encouraged to take healing mud baths?
So they’d slowly start getting used to earth. I heard that some people wear those special socks or
pantyhose to prevent thrombosis on long airplane flights. Well, I don't
need that. I still wear my trousers from 6 years ago. A mother with 8 kids gets a 9th baby. The ninth baby
has a bit lighter skin than the other babies.
Husband: “Oh my
god. This baby can't be mine. You cheated on me with another man!”
Mother: “You know Barry, actually, with this one I can say – no, I
didn’t.”Harlan the biker comes to the hairdresser.
The hairdresser stares at his greasy hair in disbelief for a while and
then asks, “So, did you come to cut your hair or just for an oil
change?”
Joe asks Peter: "Wow, so many scars. You must have
had an adventurous life!"
-
Peter replies: "No, I have a cat."
I was begging God to give me a hot body.
Great. Now I’m enjoying the hot flashes of menopause.
American psychologists have isolated two fundamental
reasons why men frequent bars.
1) They don’t have a woman.
2) They have a woman.
A grave digger comes home all tired and exhausted, nearly dragging his
hands on the ground. “What on Earth happened?!” asks his wife.
“We were burying some mother-in-law or other, and the people applauded
so much as we lowered her into the ground, that we had to do it again
and again, eight times over!”
Patient: “Doctor, please help me, I think I can see
in the future.”
-
Doctor: “When did it start?”
-
Patient: “Next Friday.”
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition
at 1 am. - “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the
police officer. - “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful
effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. - “Are you pulling my leg
or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar
like that at this hour?!” - The man sighs, “my wife.”A truck driver phones his boss, "Hey boss, my mirror
is broken."
The boss says, "Well then Just buy a new one and replace it then."
The truck driver answers, "I can't. The truck is laying on it."
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to
be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him
under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy,
just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if
something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with
you and your family." So, Mr. Brandberg, are you happy with your new
hearing aid?
–
Very much, doctor. I already changed my last will twice!
Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m
sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.” - The woman is
surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put
on my bikini and tanning oil...? - The police officer shrugs,
“Well that is not forbidden.” I’ve read so many
horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new,
firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING! My old
aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think
you’ll be next?”
We settled this quickly once I started doing
the same to them at funerals. Teacher: “Who do you
think invented dancing, children?” - Little Johnny: “My guess
is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.” An American guy, a French guy, and a Scottish guy go
for a beer. All their beers, by some coincidence or other, arrive with a
fly in it.
The American pushes the beer away in disgust.
The French guy fishes out the fly and drinks the beer.
The Scotsman takes the fly out by the wing and yells at it, “Spit it
out, spit it out now ya little hussy!!!”
