Little Ralphie wakes up one night and goes
to the bathroom. On the way he passes his parents’ bedroom. He hears
they might be awake and decides to peek in through the keyhole. He
looks for a while and then continues his journey to the toilet, thinking to
himself, “And these people are telling me off for picking my nose.”
Hi, we're Michael and Kate. We'll be your joke tellers today.
Three guys are sitting in a bar, bitching about life.
“My wife is cheating
on me with a hockey player,” sighs one.
“How do you know?” asks his
friend?
“I found a hockey stick under the bed…”
“Oh no. Miranda is
also cheating on me, you know, with a football player. I found a football under the
bed.”
“Oh boys. What have things gotten to,” sighs the third guy, “my
wife is cheating on me with a horse. I found a jockey under the bed.”
A guy in a wheelchair and a guy with a hump are
sitting in a bar.
The guy with the hump decides to go home. On his
way he has to cross a cemetery. Suddenly he hears a voice, “What’s that on
your back?”
The guy replies, shaking, “That’s a hump…” Then a huge
hand grabs the hump and miraculously takes it away.
“Oh....thank
you! You healed me!” whispers the disbelieving guy in shocked happiness.
He runs back to the bar and tells his friend in the wheelchair all about
this miracle.
The guy in the wheelchair rushes to the cemetery in
the hope that he will be healed as well.
After a while on the
cemetery he too
hears the voice talking to him, “What’s that on your back?” “Nothing,” replies
the wheelchair guy.
Then a huge hand grabs him and bammmm!!! “Here
then, have a hump!”
An English lord is sitting down
in the breakfast room when
suddenly there’s a huge bang and a car comes crashing through the wall.
The
lord doesn’t twitch an eyebrow and simply invites the unfortunate but
unharmed driver to join him at breakfast.
Once the breakfast is over, he
casually asks the driver, “Where were you headed, anyway?” “Blackpool.”
“Oh, it would have been shorter to cut through the kitchens.”
A woman calls a removal company to get rid of her old washing machine. -
At 4 pm, the doorbell rings. - The woman opens the door and sees a
one-armed removal man standing in front of her. - The one-armed man
asks, “Is this the flat with the washing machine to be removed?” - The
woman answers, “Yes, but how will you manage with just one arm?” - The
man replies, “Why, do you have two washing machines?!“
A man flies over the ocean. Suddenly the plane malfunctions and crashes on a
remote island. He’s the only survivor and when he becomes conscious, he sees
a horde of cannibals approaching, led by a very strong guy with a spear. “Oh
no, now I’m screwed…”he thinks.
Suddenly he hears a voice in his
head: “No, you’re not screwed. Run to the guy with the spear, take it away
from him and stab him in the stomach.”
So he stands up, runs to the
guy and does exactly that.
The voice in his head appears again:
“See? Now you’re screwed.”
A guy is at the doctor’s.
“Do you smoke?” asks the doctor.
“No, I quit ten years ago,” says the guy.
“Do you drink?”
“No.”
“Don’t you have any other passion?” probes the doctor.
“Well, I do love playing Bridge…”
“OK, you need to stop playing
Bridge!”
Three vampire bats are sitting in a tree, comparing their skills,
arguing over who's the best bloodsucker. Finally
they agree to let results decide and the first of them takes off and comes back covered in blood.
“Wow,
cool, what were
you up to?” ask the other two. “You see that house over there?”
“Yeah!”
“Well there’s a nice family over there, I sucked them all.”
The other two nod their heads, impressed, and the second bat takes off. He
comes back after a while, covered in even more blood than the first one. The
other two ask him what he was up to. “You see that barn over there?”
“Yeah!”
“There are twenty horses housed there, I sucked them all dry.”
“Wow,” nod the other two. Then the third bat takes off. He comes back
covered in blood way more than the other two. Again, they ask him what he
was up to. “So, you see that billboard over there?”
“Yeah!”
“Well,
I didn’t.”
A guy comes home from a doctor’s
office and tells his wife he’s got hemorrhoids.
“You’ll have to give me massages, wife.”
“Oh dear. How?”
“Wait, I’ll
show you how the doctor did it. Here, put your right hand on my right
shoulder, your left hand on my left… Hang on, what the heck has he been
massaging me with???!!!”
Two guys are drinking into the early hours and then decide to go sleep a bit
and keep going. As they get to Roger’s home, Joe is impressed with a huge
gong that Roger has in his living room. “That’s a really big gong you got
there bro. Why?”
“Nah, that’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock!
Look!” says Roger and bangs the gong with all his might.
Very
shortly, a chorus of annoyed neighbors starts, “What the hell, you crazy son
of a gun, it’s 3 am!!!”More spoken jokes soon.....
