Chuck Norris Jokes

The best first: Chuck Norris’ birth took 3 days because of his thick beard.
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Chuck Norris Fun Facts
201 Funny Chuck Norris Jokes, Facts and Sayings!

Chuck Norris doesn’t need toilet paper. He uses wolves.
Chuck Norris can teach women reverse parking.
Kim Jong Un calls Chuck Norris Supreme Leader.
The man in the Moon exists.

It’s a guy Chuck Norris gave a roundhouse kick to.
When Chuck Norris has to go to the toilet in a cinema, the movie is paused and everybody awaits his return.
Chuck Norris is so manly even his beard has balls.
As a kid, Chuck Norris didn’t finish his vegetables. He finished them off.
Chuck Norris gave the devil a roundhouse kick. The friction heat is the reason why Hell is still hot.
Spam mails sent to Chuck Norris autodestruct before they can arrive in his mailbox.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys!
Recently, a police patrol stopped Chuck Norris when he was driving along. They got off with only a warning.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity. He got it back the next day.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

Chuck Norris had a court appointment. But the judge didn't dare to show up.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Chuck Norris Meme
Chuck Norris seasons his steaks with pepper spray.
Chuck Norris and God had a fist fight once.

Have you ever seen God?
  Chuck Norris' computer has no Backspace button. Chuck Norris makes no mistakes.
Chuck Norris actually solves problems with the Windows Troubleshooter.
Chuck Norris Funny Joke
Chuck Norris is still getting updates for Windows XP.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. The person just answers the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris has a Grizzly bear rug. The bear is alive, but it's too scared to move.
Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.
Chuck Norris hilarious joke
Chuck Norris has his own joke category.
Chuck Norris is so manly, even his chest hair has chest hair.
When Chuck Norris walks across the meadow, he doesn’t smell the flowers. The flowers smell him.
Chuck Norris hasn't filled his gas tank in decades. His car drives on respect.
Chuck is able to slam a revolving door.

Hilarious Chuck Norris Sayings

Chuck Norris is known to have won an argument with his wife.
Fun fact
Contrary to legends, Chuck Norris does need a double. But he only uses him for scenes where he's supposed to cry.

When it looks like margarine, smells like margarine, tastes like margarine but Chuck Norris says that it’s butter, then it is butter. Period.

When Chuck Norris looks directly into the sun, the sun has to squint.

Chuck Norris never needs to wipe after going to the toilet. Nobody gives him shit.
Somebody asked Chuck Norris to please stop giving roundhouse kicks to people all the time.

Historians agree this was one of the biggest mistakes ever made.
Chuck Norris Joke Fart
The wheelchair symbols at parking lots don't mean that the places are reserved for the disabled. They are an express warning that the place belongs to Chuck Norris.
The police are on the run after Chuck Norris robbed a bank.
Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It's known as the Guinness Book of Records.

Very Funny Chuck Norris Fun Facts

When Chuck Norris was born, he gave his mum a ride home.
Chuck Norris fun fact fish
Chuck Norris has been to Mars already; he’s the reason there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn’t open. He went back to the store the following day to claim a refund.
Chuck Norris got lost in a forest. Nobody has ever seen the forest again.

Mr. Norris doesn't use condoms. There is no protection against Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can fart even when he has diarrhea.
Chuck Norris was born to his aunt because nobody would dare to date his mother.
Chuck Norris once told his grandma that he wants three dumplings – AND HE ONLY GOT THREE DUMPLINGS!
When Chuck Norris farts, the world becomes a warmer place.
Chuck Norris joke Virgin Islands
Crop circles aren’t alien creations. They are places where Chuck Norris has been practicing his roundhouse kicks.
What happens when Chuck Norris says “Sit” to his dog?
All the people within hearing distance sit down.
There was a rumor circulating once that Chuck Norris lost a fight with a pirate. That is naturally nonsense. It turned out that Chuck Norris started this rumor himself to attract more pirates.
Don't we have the funniest Chuck Norris Jokes? No? Send us yours?
When monsters go to bed, they check underneath for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can rob a bank - through phone banking!

There is no use crying over spilt milk. Unless, of course, that milk belonged to Chuck Norris. 
Chuck Norris’ wife always immediately tells him why she’s angry.
It doesn’t matter what Chuck Norris cooks when he asks you over. It just tastes divine!!
Chuck Norris can spread crunchy peanut butter on a slice of soft toast bread.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. His descendants are known today as giraffes.
Chuck Norris worked for FBI for a while as a terrorist negotiator. His job was simply to call the terrorist and say, “This is Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris joke english driving in Great Britain

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco as eye drops.
Chuck Norris can magic a hat out of a rabbit.
Chuck Norris naps with his eyes open!
 When Chuck Norris looks up at the sky, the clouds start sweating nervously. People call it rain.

Some children can pee their names into snow. Chuck Norris pees his in cement.
The Holy Grail has never been recovered because nobody is so brave as to ask Chuck Norris for his favorite coffee mug.
So funny:

We are finally certain why the universe expands. It is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
How many push-ups did Chuck Norris do?
He did them all.
Chuck Norris doesn't know fear. But fear knows him.
Funny Chuck Norris joke

There was once a street named after Chuck Norris but they had to change the name quite quickly. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

We Keep Those Chuck Norris Jokes Short

No one can lick their own elbow. Chuck Norris can lick them both.
Chuck Norris won't ever experience a heart attack – the heart wouldn't even dream of attacking him.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. Chuck Norris pushes the Earth away from him.
When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed. 
Chuck Norris never sleeps. He waits.
Chuck Norris is so well endowed, long-distance relationships aren't a problem.
Chuck Norris to Darth Vader: “I am your father, Darth.”
Chuck Norris funny fact
Chuck Norris got lost in a forest once. Nobody’s seen that forest since.
There are no steroids in baseball, only players Chuck Norris breathed on.
Chuck served as a Kamikaze pilot - on twelve missions.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a black mamba. After three days of agony, the black mamba died.
If you seek a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, try checking the extinct species list.
Mr. Norris once ate a whole cake before anybody could warn him that there was a stripper inside.
Why do children cry when they are born? They know they've entered a world with Chuck Norris in it.
They once did a Survivor episode with a bunch of people and Chuck Norris being dropped off on a deserted island. There were no survivors and nobody’s had the guts yet to go there and pick up the filmed material.
The original plan was to put Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore, however the granite wasn't though enough for his beard.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He squeezes the needed information out of them.
The Apple customer support did as Chuck asked and speedily installed Android on his iPhone.

Not the Best but Good Chuck Norris Jokes

Fear of Friday 13th is called friggatriskaidekaphobia. Fear of clowns is called coulrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called common sense.
Chuck Norris donates blood every month. Just not his own.
Chuck Noris died... but he's already feeling a lot better!
There are 156 things in a room Chuck Norris could kill you with, the room itself included.
 Chuck Norris can kill time. Literally.
Chuck Norris Fist is the reason why smurfs are blue.

In Star Wars they always say “May the Force be with you.” They actually mean Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris killed the Dead Sea.
Once, a false alarm was raised when a bystander thought Chuck Norris was attempting to slit his wrists. He was just sharpening his knives.

Chuck Norris doesn't know fear. But fear knows him.
People sometimes dream nightmares. Nightmares sometimes dream Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't search. He finds.

Whenever Arnold Schwarzenegger says, “I’ll be back” in any of his movies, he means that he’s just going to quickly ask Chuck Norris for advice.
Chuck Norris joke Foot
Time waits for no-one. Except for Chuck Norris.

11 True Chuck Norris facts:

Chuck Norris was born in 1940 but he looks at least 20 years younger.
He is said to have some Cherokee roots.
 Chuck Norris wanted to become a police officer.
His real name is Carlos Ray Norris Jr.
He got his nick name "Chuck" from a friend in the military during his time in Korea.
He was world champion in Karate.
Chuck Norris has 5 kids.
Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick in every martial arts movie he made.
He has a black belt in Tang Soo Do (10th degree) and black belt in Tae Kwon Do (8th degree). He was also the first Westerner in the history of Tae Kwon Do to have earned the 8th degree black belt.
In younger days his favorite actor was John Wayne.
His favorite joke is "Before the Boogie Man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris". 

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