More than 260 Black Humor Jokes
Evil, mean, morbid and sarcastic jokes. Some of you might find
this humor quite tasteless and lacking
class. Enjoy!
Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
-
After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was
mocking the other one.
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just
checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
-
Just switch off the lights.
Of course God exist. How else could those foolish atheists explain that
my girlfriend got pregnant without us ever sleeping together?
Why do they actually prefer
non-swimmers in the Navy?
-
They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
Father looks at his teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”
James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological
parents!”
Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you
need to get packing, your new parents will be here in an hour.”
On a train:
“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very
annoying!”
“I’m so sorry… Harry! Stop acting stupid!”
I went fishing for the first time. I learnt that fish
can breakdance. Only for 1-2 minutes, but still.
My wife has been missing now for 2 weeks. The police
said I should prepare for the worst. So, I told my new girlfriend that
she had better move out.
Dracula visits his doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m
really worried. For a while now, there was no blood in my stool.”
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you
don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It
sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Husband approaches his wife, “Jenny, I think I have a
problem.”
Jenny smiles at him kindly, “Darling, your problems are my problem also.
Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me.”
“OK, “ says the husband, “in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.”
What do you give an armless child for Christmas?
Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.
Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else
would think of adding gas?
“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
I took away my ex-girlfriend’s wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me?
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera
every time they make a group photo.
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand
disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand
disinfectant anymore.
Kamikaze pilot instructor:
“OK, listen up, and listen up closely. I don’t want to have to repeat
myself to you again tomorrow!”
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday.
Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Funny Dark Humor
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get
out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.
A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very
pretty.”
The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to
everybody?”
The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.”
The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?”
The nurse smiles, “Then I say the baby really takes after its father.”
– Am I beautiful, George?
– You’re like the Sun! It’s painful looking at you.
My father fell asleep in front of the TV.
I put a picture of our female neighbor, some tissues and a pot of
Vaseline next to him. Let's see how my mother reacts.
What does a cannibal say to the waiter in a
restaurant on a cruise ship?
“Please bring me the passenger list.”
Question: What is hard and dry when you put it in and
soft and wet when you pull it out?
-
Answer: A bubble gum
Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?
Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.
My grandpa came back from the war with one leg.
-
We still don’t know whose leg it is.
“Mommy, there’s something wrong with the bunny…”
-
“Shush, child, please leave the oven door closed.”
A message for the kidnappers of my mother-in-law:
“Pshah! The pinkie is insufficient as proof! I need more evidence!”
Supermarket cashiers must be really doubly
traumatized if they land in ICU – beep, beep, beep…
(Girl to a guy standing on the railing in the middle
of a tall bridge)
“No! Please don't jump!”
(pulls out phone and turns on camera)
“OK, go ahead!”
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and
you’re a total hero.
But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called
– sheesh.
Son complains to his mother, “Mommy, they told me at
school that I have gigantic feet.”
-
Mother strokes his head, “Let’s talk about this later. Now put your
shoes in the garage, dinner is ready.”
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity
to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the
stairs.
Patient: “Doctor, I just feel so invisible, ignored…
Like I didn’t even exist…”
Doctor: “Next!”
Paula: “Am I your dream woman?”
-
John: “You are much more than that…”
-
Paula:(giggles) “How much more?”
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John: “About 40 pounds.“
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”
Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
Oh daddy, I love you so much!
-
Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!
Very Dark Jokes
It really makes me mad when I hear idiots saying that
women belong in the kitchen. Such crap. Who would clean the rest of the
house?!
There’s an evil rumor going around that I’m a
hardcore gambler. I don’t know what bastard is spreading such lies, but
I’d bet serious money on it being Mike.
My butt hair is so long, it made its way into the Guinness
Book of Records. Not for long though. They threw me out of the library
pretty quickly.
Lena: “Darling, I really think it’s time we got
another baby.”
Charles: “Oh I’m quite relieved you said that. The one we have is a real
pain in the neck!”
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