Dog Jokes

Funny Dog Jokes and Puns

What do you get when you cross a dog and a cougar?
 -
Trouble with the postman.

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What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?

A lot of bites.

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 What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena?

No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.

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What kind of dog eats with his ears?
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They all do.  I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before tucking in.

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What happens when you cross a dog and a cheetah?
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You get a dog who chases after cars a lot – and actually catches them.

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 What an amazing, clever dog we have, darling.
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 He brings in the newspaper every day, and we’ve never even subscribed to any!

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What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?
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Anything you like, just very quietly.

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When is a mom flea happy?
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When her whole family has gone to the dogs.

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 A dog is gazing up at the Christmas tree and sighs with satisfaction, “Oh, my master is the best, as always. What dog can say they’ve had electrical lights installed in their indoor toilet?”

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“Life is like a dogsled team.

 If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
-
Lewis Grizzard”

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What do you mean, my dog was chasing a guy on a bike?
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 My dog doesn’t ride a bike!

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 What do you do when you find a 250 pound dog sleeping on your bed?
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Quietly go sleep on the sofa.

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I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…

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 What do you do when you see a rabid dog?
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That depends on whether the dog has seen you, too.

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 Why don’t blind people parachute very often?
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It makes their guide dogs really uncomfortable.

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How do you tell the difference between a Labrador and a marine biologist?
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The one wags a tale, the other tags a whale.

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 What happens when you cross a rooster, a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle?
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You get a Cockerpoodledoo.

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Go on, ask a dog how’s life.
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 He’ll most likely answer, „Ruff! “

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Why do men chase after women they don’t intend to marry?
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 Well why do dogs chase after cars they don’t intend to drive?

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 A dog thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… They must be gods…”
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The cat thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… I must be God!”

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 Why do dogs lick their b*u*t*t*s?
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Because nobody will do it for them.

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 What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a Saint Bernard’s?
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A dog that bites you and then goes to fetch help.

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 What do you do when you see a dog eating your dictionary?
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Take the words out of his mouth.

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 What is the best timekeeper you could wish for?
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A watch dog.

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 What’s the difference between a dog yapping outside a house and a woman yapping outside a house?
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The dog shuts it once you let it in.

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I went to the zoo – and all they had was one small dog.
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 It was a shih-tzu.

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 I’m considering removing my dog’s tail.
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 My mother in law comes next weekend and I intend to get rid of anything that would give her the impression that she is welcome.

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 What do you call a wolf who picks up litter after campers and is worried about pollution?
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Aware wolf.

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- BONUS -
DOG JOKES:

What creature has four legs and one hand?
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A happy Rottweiler returning from his morning walk.

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Why did the dog lie down?
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He found lying up a little hard.

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“They say the dog is man's best friend.

 I don't believe that.

 How many of your friends have you neutered?”

 –
Larry Reeb