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Dog Jokes

Best first: Q: Who is Dracula’s best friend? A: His bloodhound.

    
 Very Funny Dog Jokes and Dog Puns

Funny Dog Jokes and Puns

 
What do you get when you cross a dog and a cugar?
 -
A: Trouble with the postman.

What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?

A lot of bites.

What kind of dog eats with his ears?
 -
They all do.  I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before tucking in.
What happens when you cross a dog and a cheetah?
-
You get a dog who chases after cars a lot – and actually catches them.
 What an amazing, clever dog we have, darling.
-
 He brings in the newspaper every day, and we’ve never even subscribed to any!

What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?
-
Anything you like, just very quietly.
 What is the question a flea often has to ask itself?
-
Should I walk or take a dog?
 How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat when you’re driving?
-
Invite him to bark in the front seat.
 What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena?

No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.
When is a mom flea happy?
-
When her whole family has gone to the dogs.

 “Life is like a dogsled team.

 If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

” – Lewis Grizzard”
What do you mean, my dog was chasing a guy on a bike?
-
 My dog doesn’t ride a bike!
 What has 4,000 eyes and 8,000 legs?
-
Two thousand dogs.
 What do you do when you find a 250 pound dog sleeping on your bed?
-
Quietly go sleep on the sofa.
What do you do when you find a 250 pound dog eating from your plate?
-
Seek medical help.

 You’ve been seeing too many 250 pound dogs recently.


I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…
 What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
 
[Don’t know]

OK, in that case I think I’ll mail that letter myself, thank you.
 What do you do when you see a rabid dog?
-
That depends on whether the dog has seen you, too.
 Why don’t blind people parachute very often?
-
It makes their guide dogs really uncomfortable.
 “I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.
-
 My mother said it's because the water is a lot colder in there.
-
 I'm like, How does my mother know that?”

- Wendy Liebman

 Would you rather have a 250 pound dog chase you or a lion?
-
Um… I’d rather he chased the lion.
How do you tell the difference between a labrador and a marine biologist?
-
The one wags a tale, the other tags a whale.

 What happens when you cross a rooster, a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle?
-
You get a Cockerpoodledoo.
Go on, ask a dog how’s life.
-
 He’ll most likely answer, „Ruff! “
 What should you do when your dog suddenly goes Squaawk?
-
 Pat him on the head.  He’s learning a new language.
 Do you seek a good laugh?
-
 Draw eyebrows on your dog.  It works.
 A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon.
-
 A customer walks up to him and says, “It’s not often that I see a dog drinking bourbon here!”
The dog sniffs, “Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices.”

Why do men chase after women they don’t intend to marry?
-
 Well why do dogs chase after cars they don’t intend to drive?
 A dog thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… They must be gods…”
-
The cat thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… I must be God!”

 Why do dogs lick their butts?
-
Because nobody will do it for them.
 What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a Saint Bernard’s?
-
A dog that bites you and then goes to fetch help.

 A good idea for a sign: “Salespeople welcome – dog food has become really expensive”
 What do you do when you see a dog eating your dictionary?
-
Take the words out of his mouth.

 What is the best timekeeper you could wish for?
-
A watch dog.

 What’s the difference between a dog yapping outside a house and a woman yapping outside a house?
-
The dog shuts it once you let it in.

I went to the zoo – and all they had was one small dog.
-
 It was a shih-tzu.

 I’m considering removing my dog’s tail.
-
 My mother in law comes next weekend and I intend to get rid of anything that would give her the impression that she is welcome.
 What do you call a wolf who picks up litter after campers and is worried about pollution?
-
Aware wolf.

- BONUS -
DOG JOKES:

What creature has four legs and one hand?
-
A happy Rottweiler returning from his morning walk.
What looks like a dog, lives in a dog house, eats dog food and is extremely dangerous?
-
A Rottweiler with a black belt in karate.

What market shouldn't you take your dog to?
-
The flea market.
Why did the dog lie down?
-
He found lying up a little hard.
 Dogs are the best alarm clocks.
-
 When they want out, there’s no snooze button that could tame that.
“They say the dog is man's best friend.

 I don't believe that.

 How many of your friends have you neutered?”

 – Larry Reeb
Will sell dog.

 Easy-going.

 Eats anything.

 Loves children.
Dog dictionary

a.
 Toilet bowl: A heavenly dispenser of nice, fresh water.


b.
 Hearing: A variable skill.

 Its intensity depends on whether it applies to a fridge door opening half a mile away behind three closed doors, or whether your own name is being shouted in an angry way or in a way that threatens Vet (see Vet).

c.
 Garbage bin/bag: Source of food.

 Spread contents over as wide an area as possible.


d.
 Drooling: When humans are eating, drooling can be a very effective food-producing skill.

 For best results, drool must be gotten onto the humans’ trousers/skirt.


Use also for fun – when driving in a car with humans, place head between two humans in the front seat.

 Drool gently and in great volume on their arms/shoulders.

 Rejoice at effects.


e.
 Resting place: Anything, really.

 White, freshly vacuumed surfaces with good capacity for getting hair stuck to it are best.

 
f.
 Sofa: See resting place.

 Also serves as napkin after particularly satisfying meals (see Roadkill).


g.
 Vet: Satan, the Destroyer of Worlds, Bringer of Woe, Remover of Testicles.


h.
 Leash: A device allowing you to lead your human to a place you desire.

 Excellent for muscle-building exercise.


i.
 Bicycle: Very good cardio equipment.

 If you find the exercise/the rider too slow for you, you can increase its speed by running even closer to the vehicle and barking.

 It will pick up its pace very satisfyingly.


j.
 Fireworks: A sure sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end and the reign of Vets (see Vet) is beginning.


k.
 Sniffing: A polite way of showing interest in the creature you are meeting.

 With dogs, rectal area is best.

 When meeting humans, sniff the crotch.


l.
 Roadkill: One of the most universal items you can find.

 Can be used as food, deodorant or toy.




 
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