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Witty Remarks and Funny Sayings

The best first: Sometimes some people deserve a good high five, in the face, with a chair.
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Funny sayings

Cool and Funny Sayings

Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart remarks for any occasion, witty wisdoms for fun and reflection.

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My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.
Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were really the same.
Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.
Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.
Funny offence:

I think your parents shouldn't have built the swing that close to the wall.
How to part in style after having a row with your friend:
-
“I hope your pillow is warm on both sides in the summer!”
"If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
First rule of Sundays:

If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
The last thing I want to do is to hurt you.

But we’ll get there eventually, once I’ve gone through the entire list.
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:

"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"

... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?


Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.
Every time a bird craps on my car, I go out on my terrace and eat some scrambled eggs. Just to show them who’s the boss.
You may have one but that doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?

“Yep, gravity still works!”
I read married couples do it about 74 times per year. It’s end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
My relationship is like an iPad.

I don't have an iPad.
Finding Perfection Joke

Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.
I’m on a strict seafood diet.

I see food, I eat it.
I never do the same mistake twice.

I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
What not to say when you get pulled over:

Police officer: Papers.

Driver: Scissors.
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.
There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t understand something:
 
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
I was sexually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.
If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

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