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Funny Sayings

The best first: Sometimes some people deserve a good high five, in the face, with a chair.
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Funny sayings for any situation

Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart remarks for any occasion.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.
I don’t hate.

I ‘whatever’.
I’m not saying I’m overreacting. But there are good times and there are bad times to hand me a chain saw.
Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.
Funny offence:

I think your parents shouldn't have built the swing that close to the wall.
How to part in style after having a row with your friend:
“I hope your pillow is warm on both sides in the summer!”
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
First rule of Sundays:

If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
The last thing I want to do is to hurt you.

But we’ll get there eventually, once I’ve gone through the entire list.
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

Every time a bird craps on my car, I go out on my terrace and eat some scrambled eggs. Just to show them who’s the boss.

Anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense.
Oh phew. That was narrow. It nearly interested me.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?

“Yep, gravity still works!”
I read married couples do it about 74 times per year. It’s end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
It doesn't make sense. Why would God put the light in the fridge if he didn’t want you to eat at night?
Just checked my bank account. Anybody in need of a kidney?
My relationship is like an iPad.

I don't have an iPad.
Finding Perfection Joke

Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.
I’m on a strict seafood diet.

I see food, I eat it.
I never do the same mistake twice.

I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
I became so fat, the only clothes I can still wear is a Hula hoop.
What not to say when you get pulled over:

Police officer: Papers.

Driver: Scissors.
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.
There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t understand something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
I was sexually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
Not giving a shit can surprisingly be the right choice when your toilet breaks down.
Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.
If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.
 My love life is like the beginning of a fairytale: A long time ago, in a land far away...
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.
When someone talks BS:

Do you see a trash can sign on my forehead?
Ok, then keep your garbage for yourself.
What can you say when it's already late and you really want to go home?

Can you hear that? That's my pillow calling and it becomes really mean when I let it wait too long.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
Poor Guy Joke

My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.
A housewife's battle:

The household stares at me. I stare right back. Without breaking eye contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I won!
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
If you ever see me running, run like hell too. I’m far too lazy to be running without a good reason.
A list of things that look good in leopard pattern:

1. Leopards

*End of list*
That awkward moment when you wave back at your neighbor for about 5 minutes until you notice that she’s just been cleaning the window.
You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being infantile forever.
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.
I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.
Funny Topmodel Resemblance

What to say when nature calls in a polite but understanding society?

1. Excuse me, I have a stool appointment.

2. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing.

3. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of.

4. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure.

5. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown.

7. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer.

10. Pardon me, I must punish the porcelain.

11. Excuse me, I have to deliver Satan’s donuts.

12. Excuse me, I have to excrete.
I didn’t fall down.

I did attack the floor though.
How stupid are you?
a) very
b) A
c) B

Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.
What to say to a person that goes on your nerves?

I think you deserve a standing ovation … of my longest finger!
Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.
It is a well documented fact that your urge to poo intensifies as you are unlocking the front door.
All my life I thought air was for free.

That was until I bought a bag of crisps.
Of course you're not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.
Don’t mess with me, I know aikido and judo! And a few other Japanese words and phrases!
Married women face a significantly lower risk of kidnapping, nobody can be certain that the ransom would actually be paid.
No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.
I'm in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
I didn’t fall down. The floor needed a hug.
Top 10 funny messages for an answering machine message

1. Hello, this is Frank's fridge. If you leave a message, I will attach it on my door with a magnet.
2. Hello, I am David's answering machine. And who are you?
3. Hello, this is Death speaking. If you leave your name and telephone number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
4. Hi, I'm at home but unfortunately too drunk to find the telephone. Please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm capable of it.

5. Hello, this is Daniel's answering machine. Please leave a message between the beeps: Beep-beep. Nothing? OK, good bye.
6. Hello, this is Anna's answering machine. I'm always here for you and I love listening to you. Please leave a message after the beep.
7. No, please not the beep. Please, noooo.... Beep
8. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you. Please speak after the beep.
9. Hello, you are connected to the Vatican. All the confessionals are currently busy. Please explain your sins in full detail after the tone.
10. Hello? Hello? Yes, Aha... Well this is Tony's answering machine. Sorry he's not here. But you can leave him a message after the tone.


Now that's just plain unfair:

"To work in order to stop yourself thinking is also laziness."

Herman Bang
Funny offense:

You were the only child in your family to be given up for adoption.
After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.
That Is Why You Smile

 I am an example to others.
A bad example.
Rule No. 1: Women are always right.

Rule No. 2: If a woman is not right, Rule No.1 applies.
Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. They are not new to pain and they have experience with buying jewelry.

- Gabi Köster
Girls want a lot from one guy.

On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.

When somebody talks crap:

“Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.”
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.
The human body was clearly designed by a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipeline running through a recreational area?
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
Intelligent people are full of doubt (I think).
My boyfriend is so ugly, I sometimes have to put roofies in my own drink.
Here’s a cup full of the hoots I give: \_/
Ooooh no, look, it’s empty!
When the weekend is over:

Where exactly was I in the night from Friday to Monday???
It's funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn't end as they carrot juice.
Monday office chat:
There are days one should really just sleep through. Like Monday through Friday.
I’ve got a problem for your solution.
Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a malfunctioning rubber, so it’s only right it should end that way, too.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Miss, I think you’re fantastic… Will you give me your phone number?

Sure, you can find it in the Yellow Pages.

But I don’t know your name?

Oh it’s in there too.
War never decides who is right. War only decides who is left.
What rhymes with zoo and smells bad?

Psychologists have found out that to maintain a good mental state, we should hug wholeheartedly around 9 people every day. Or punch one key person in the face.
Congress Hilariously Revealed

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
17th October is the International Day for the Eradication of Poverty.

I checked my bank account and I think I’ll better spend October 17th in hiding.
If you have been struck by a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle:
Do you really need those extra few hours on a Saturday morning? But the kids are being noisy? Just tell them, “OK kiddos, wake me up in half an hour so we can finally get cracking on cleaning the house from top to bottom.”

You’re welcome.
Pity there’s no gym for your face.
Dental-Chair Revelation:

Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
If you’re using the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby", try taking candy from a baby.
The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
No, I don't read. The letters get really repetitive after a while.

Love life self-help:

Oh come on Amor, that's enough man. Give me the arrow and I'll do it myself!
Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together with no arguing, a bank has just been robbed.
My cactus died. Now it’s official. The desert takes better care of plants than I do.
Flies don't stand a chance, I'm a one man S.W.A.T. team.
You can hide from cake. But cake can’t hide from you.
Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.
Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.
Funny insult:

There are three kind of people. The first kind likes to take a shower. The second kind prefers a bath. And the third kind is like you.
If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water bill is higher too.
Adding Insult to Injury Humor

I’ll be there to catch you whenever you fall.

Love, the floor.
A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.
When you’re calling a woman, you need to call her twice. First time to give her a chance to find the phone in her handbag, the second time for her to actually answer.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
Always be yourself. Unless you can also be a unicorn. In that case, always be a unicorn.
He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.
Some people's x-rays actually look much better than their photographs.
Of course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell them to obviously can't.
I'm really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.
You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.
Hilarious Fitness Description

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.

The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
You have to excuse me, I suffer from emotional constipation. I really can’t give a shit.
I’m happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to hunt tacos myself.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what’s he done to you?
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing in her way.
I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have mistaken me for somebody who’s interested.
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags because I am precious.
Maybe you should move. There must be a village looking for an idiot.
When I was a kid my parents used to forbid me to even go near the cupboard with all the cleaning bottles. I’m proud to say it works until today.
If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.
How could men understand what women want?

So often they have to watch women pluck out their eyebrows only to paint them right on again!
Take a shower with your girlfriend, they said. It would be romantic, they said. Yeah, I’ve been standing in the corner, wet and freezing, handing her the shower gel, the shampoo, the conditioner... I just hope she doesn’t start shaving her legs next.
Anyone can get a sign from above.

And it’s a good sign when that sign isn’t a roof tile.
Every evening I assure myself that 5 hours of sleep is more than enough for a healthy, non-wuss adult.
Every morning, I could punch myself in the face for that.
Hangover: The revenge of the few surviving brain cells for their fallen comrades.
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second cash desk.
Optimistic Comeback

They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?
Funny offence:

With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.
Yeah, roll your eyes all you like, it won’t help you. You won’t find any brains up there.
An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
Motivation Joke
I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a great big idiot.
Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours belongs in the zoo.
I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I want.
Of course I love sport. That's why I do it so sparingly. It should really remain something special.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
When someone is being stupid:

You should really start thinking about changing your dealer!
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

The shortest horror story: Monday.
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
Hilarious Insult

How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her.
How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.
Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake - but you are faster.
4 bottles of bleach: $20.00. A coil of rope, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $45.00. 3 boxes of XXL bin liners: $10.00.
The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
Funny insult
You go back to the highway! That’s the place for freaky accidents.
Don't be a fool, stop hating Mondays.
Be a professional and hate the whole week!
The password to your life is “Humor”.
Good persuasion technique:

Come over to the dark side... we've got candy.
A truth of life:

Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!
German saying:

Too long speeches lead to no actions.
Some harsh morning reality:

The early bird dies of sleep deprivation.
The weekend has landed:

Goodbye, social status and dignity. I'll see you Monday.
Don't share the host's music taste?:

"I believe they are actually using this music to keep the hobos from train stations."
Need to defend a messy apartment?

We maintain an alternative lifestyle.
A smooth break-up line:

There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I'm not even willing to throw up in your direction.
When you just want to be mean:
If I were you, I'd wish to be me!
They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don't want even the slightest risk.
Sunday early bird:

Why do you call so early? It is Sunday! 3 pm in the morning!!!
May I be excused? My brain is quite full.

Experts say you shouldn’t eat at night. So who put the light bulb in the refrigerator?
Funny bumper stickers:
Do we know each other? No? Then please keep your distance.
Sure, overtake me if you want. We'll meet again at the next traffic light.
Braking is for suckers.
Am I driving too close in front of you?
Escape vehicle. Please do not park too close.
I'm also lost. There's no need to follow me.
I never drive faster than my guardian angel can fly.
Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo doll of me.
More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already runs 75 miles a day.
There are things in the world I wouldn't mention even to myself.
Don’t believe everything you think. 
I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.
I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!
I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
Of course I have a talent. I'm really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I'm not drunk.
A sound defense:

Crazy? Me? Nah - It was the voices that told me to do it.
I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning” seems to be going a bit too far.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
Funny that you can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter".
Don’t lose faith! Life is wonderful! I mean, not yours, but still!I
speak fluent Ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck.

My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.
Stop smoking for good.
Smoke for evil!
Promises are like babies… They’re fun to make but hard to deliver.
Just you keep on talking, for sure someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
Everyone wants what’s best for you.

So don’t you let them take it!!!
It is what’s inside that matters - the fridge is a perfect example.
I know now what whipping feels like. I was standing in the wrong place when I pushed the cord retraction button on my vacuum cleaner.
If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.
When somebody is totally angry, why not say:

"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."
A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.
I just broke my record at the gym. I sucked in my belly for a whole hour and a half.
Oh no, did you fall down?
No, I hugged the floor!
Come on, why are you crying then?
It was an emotional moment.
What – me?! A stalker?! Never! I just like to be well informed, that’s all.
A keychain is a device which enables you to lose all keys at once.
Funny Morning Looks Explanation

I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I mean, where else would I get 40%?!
They forbid tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if you manage to hijack an airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you probably deserve that airplane.
I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Well, that's it for my last talent.
I have a motivational problem. But only until I reach the point of having a deadline problem.
I quite like the hurricane season. I can just put anything I don’t need anymore out on the balcony.
There are days when you just want to envelope everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.
One way to get rid of the Jihadi problem, and fast, would be to persuade the Chinese black market that Jihadist testicles are a super powerful aphrodisiac.
Next time you get a call from an unknown caller, pick it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere." and hang up.
When you don't know the answer or perhaps you don't want to say:

I will now answer you with a direct and unequivocal "maybe".
Buy an electric car and get a dog free. Never walk home alone again.

If the guy on the ATM in front of me takes even longer, I’m going to ask him what level he’s on now.
WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.
When somebody has a belly ache or doesn't feel well, why not cheer them up with:

Ah, you've been nibbling from the loo again, haven't you.

I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.  
Did you see (or possibly get) a bad hairdo?

I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living...
The internet never forgets.

The internet must be female.
... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:

"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"

... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
When a bird hits your window, how do you know God isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?

9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy. The tenth is humming.
Impressive how some people can play 5 instruments. Me? Well, I can clap my hands.
 When you're late:

I'm never late. The others are simply too early!
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.
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