Funny sayings for any situation
Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans,
smart remarks for any occasion.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether
they like it or not.
It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I
personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.
I don’t hate.
I ‘whatever’.
I’m not saying I’m overreacting. But there are good
times and there are bad times to hand me a chain saw.
Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is
always on for you in the fridge.
Funny offence:
I think your parents shouldn't have built the swing that close to the
wall.
How to part in style after having a row with your
friend:
-
“I hope your pillow is warm on both sides in the summer!”
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know
you're going away.
First rule of Sundays:
If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
The last thing I want to do is to hurt you.
But we’ll get there eventually, once I’ve gone through the entire list.
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is
Nutella.
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of
chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
Every time a bird craps on my car, I go out on my terrace and eat some
scrambled eggs. Just to show them who’s the boss.
Anything done before the first coffee of the day could
be classified as self-defense.
Oh phew. That was narrow. It nearly interested me.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped
and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”
I read married couples do it about 74 times per year.
It’s end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting
December!
It doesn't make sense. Why would God put the light in
the fridge if he didn’t want you to eat at night?
Just checked my bank account. Anybody in need of a
kidney?
My relationship is like an iPad.
I don't have an iPad.
Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly
answered him.
I’m on a strict seafood diet.
I see food, I eat it.
I never do the same mistake twice.
I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
I became so fat, the only clothes I can still wear is
a Hula hoop.
What not to say when you get pulled over:
Police officer: Papers.
Driver: Scissors.
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run,
the swing is free now.
There are people who are a living proof that total
brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t understand something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to
explain this to you.
I was sexually harassed at work by my boss. But I
don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
Not giving a shit can surprisingly be the right choice
when your toilet breaks down.
Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my
plants.
If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear
braces.
I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing
that breathing is a reflex.
How many times must I flush before you finally go
away?
Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.
My love life is like the beginning of a
fairytale: A long time ago, in a land far away...
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is
fruit to me.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen
me and Batman together in the same room.
When someone talks BS:
Do you see a trash can sign on my forehead?
[No]
Ok, then keep your garbage for yourself.
What can you say when it's already late and you really
want to go home?
Can you hear that? That's my pillow calling and it becomes really mean
when I let it wait too long.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times:
Don’t exaggerate!
I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
My mood is currently swinging between an axe and
gasoline.
A housewife's battle:
The household stares at me. I stare right back. Without breaking eye
contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I won!
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
If you ever see me running, run like hell too. I’m far
too lazy to be running without a good reason.
A list of things that look good in leopard pattern:
1. Leopards
*End of list*
That awkward moment when you wave back at your
neighbor for about 5 minutes until you notice that she’s just been
cleaning the window.
You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being
infantile forever.
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no
need to nag him every 6 months about it.
We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband
thought he was God.
I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup
copy of their butt.
What to say when nature calls in a polite but
understanding society?
1. Excuse me, I have a stool appointment.
2. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing.
3. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of.
4. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure.
5. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown.
7. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer.
10. Pardon me, I must punish the porcelain.
11. Excuse me, I have to deliver Satan’s donuts.
12. Excuse me, I have to excrete.
I didn’t fall down.
I did attack the floor though.
How stupid are you?
a) very
b) A
c) B
Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.
What to say to a person that goes on your nerves?
I think you deserve a standing ovation … of my longest finger!
Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother
in law’s best friend’s accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some
other time maybe.
It is a well documented fact that your urge to poo
intensifies as you are unlocking the front door.
All my life I thought air was for free.
That was until I bought a bag of crisps.
Of course you're not fat. Just grab a couple of
chairs and come sit with us.
Don’t mess with me, I know aikido and judo! And a few
other Japanese words and phrases!
Married women face a significantly lower risk of
kidnapping, nobody can be certain that the ransom would actually be
paid.
No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the
food pyramid to become a vegetarian.
I'm in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by
this morning, waving at me and winking.
I didn’t fall down. The floor needed a hug.
Top 10 funny messages for an answering machine
message
1. Hello, this is Frank's fridge. If you leave a message, I will attach
it on my door with a magnet.
2. Hello, I am David's answering machine. And who are you?
3. Hello, this is Death speaking. If you leave your name and telephone
number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
4. Hi, I'm at home but unfortunately too drunk to find the telephone.
Please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm capable of
it.
5. Hello, this is Daniel's answering machine. Please leave a message
between the beeps: Beep-beep. Nothing? OK, good bye.
6. Hello, this is Anna's answering machine. I'm always here for you and
I love listening to you. Please leave a message after the beep.
7. No, please not the beep. Please, noooo.... Beep
8. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be
used against you. Please speak after the beep.
9. Hello, you are connected to the Vatican. All the confessionals are
currently busy. Please explain your sins in full detail after the tone.
10. Hello? Hello? Yes, Aha... Well this is Tony's answering machine.
Sorry he's not here. But you can leave him a message after the tone.
Now that's just plain unfair:
"To work in order to stop yourself thinking is also laziness."
Herman Bang
Funny offense:
You were the only child in your family to be given up for adoption.
After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a
disappointment.
I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s
productivity.
I am an example to others.
A bad example.
Rule No. 1: Women are always right.
Rule No. 2: If a woman is not right, Rule No.1 applies.
Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. They
are not new to pain and they have experience with buying jewelry.
- Gabi Köster
Girls want a lot from one guy.
On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.
When somebody talks crap:
“Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your
mouth.”
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" clearly never
tried slamming a revolving door.
The human body was clearly designed by a civil
engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipeline running through a
recreational area?
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no
exception.
Intelligent people are full of doubt (I think).
My boyfriend is so ugly, I sometimes have to put
roofies in my own drink.
Here’s a cup full of the hoots I give: \_/
-
Ooooh no, look, it’s empty!
When the weekend is over:
Where exactly was I in the night from Friday to Monday???
It's funny how many people get mad when a sentence
doesn't end as they carrot juice.
Monday office chat:
There are days one should really just sleep through. Like Monday through
Friday.
I’ve got a problem for your solution.
Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a
malfunctioning rubber, so it’s only right it should end that way, too.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Miss, I think you’re fantastic… Will you give me your
phone number?
Sure, you can find it in the Yellow Pages.
But I don’t know your name?
Oh it’s in there too.
War never decides who is right. War only decides who
is left.
What rhymes with zoo and smells bad?
You.
Psychologists have found out that to maintain a good
mental state, we should hug wholeheartedly around 9 people every day. Or
punch one key person in the face.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus
station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
17th October is the International Day for the
Eradication of Poverty.
I checked my bank account and I think I’ll better spend October 17th in
hiding.
If you have been struck by a headache, follow the
instructions on the aspirin bottle:
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Do you really need those extra few hours on a Saturday
morning? But the kids are being noisy? Just tell them, “OK kiddos, wake
me up in half an hour so we can finally get cracking on cleaning the
house from top to bottom.”
You’re welcome.
Pity there’s no gym for your face.
Dental-Chair Revelation:
Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask
questions with a simple yes or no answer.
If you’re using the phrase "easy as taking candy from
a baby", try taking candy from a baby.
The first five days after the weekend are the
toughest.
No, I don't read. The letters get really repetitive
after a while.
Love life self-help:
Oh come on Amor, that's enough man. Give me the arrow and I'll do it
myself!
Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together
with no arguing, a bank has just been robbed.
My cactus died. Now it’s official. The desert takes better care of
plants than I do.
Flies don't stand a chance, I'm a one man S.W.A.T.
team.
You can hide from cake. But cake can’t hide from you.
Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch
pays off right now.
Do you remember when I asked you to give me your
opinion? That’s right, me neither.
Funny insult:
There are three kind of people. The first kind likes to take a shower.
The second kind prefers a bath. And the third kind is like you.
If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet
is, the water bill is higher too.
I’ll be there to catch you whenever you fall.
Love, the floor.
A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of
tremendous inflation.
When you’re calling a woman, you need to call her
twice. First time to give her a chance to find the phone in her handbag,
the second time for her to actually answer.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
Always be yourself. Unless you can also be a unicorn.
In that case, always be a unicorn.
He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.
Some people's x-rays actually look much better than
their photographs.
Of course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell
them to obviously can't.
I'm really good at stuff until somebody watches me do
that stuff.
Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do
at the moment it wants to do it.
You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be
associated with you.
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and
thinks it’s an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an
onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
You have to excuse me, I suffer from emotional
constipation. I really can’t give a shit.
I’m happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to
hunt tacos myself.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty,
what’s he done to you?
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing
in her way.
I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have
mistaken me for somebody who’s interested.
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens
your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags because I am
precious.
Maybe you should move. There must be a village looking
for an idiot.
When I was a kid my parents used to forbid me to even
go near the cupboard with all the cleaning bottles. I’m proud to say it
works until today.
If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your
seatbelt on.
How could men understand what women want?
So often they have to watch women pluck out their eyebrows only to paint
them right on again!
Take a shower with your girlfriend, they said. It
would be romantic, they said. Yeah, I’ve been standing in the corner,
wet and freezing, handing her the shower gel, the shampoo, the
conditioner... I just hope she doesn’t start shaving her legs next.
Anyone can get a sign from above.
And it’s a good sign when that sign isn’t a roof tile.
Every evening I assure myself that 5 hours of sleep is
more than enough for a healthy, non-wuss adult.
Every morning,
I could punch myself in the face for that.
Hangover: The revenge of the few surviving brain cells
for their fallen comrades.
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when
the supermarket opens a second cash desk.
They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks
have branches then?
Funny offence:
With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your
parents.
Yeah, roll your eyes all you like, it won’t help you.
You won’t find any brains up there.
An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while
the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full
the glass is.
Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That
doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a great
big idiot.
Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours
belongs in the zoo.
I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons
until it does what I want.
Of course I love sport. That's why I do it so
sparingly. It should really remain something special.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so
clearly unarmed.
When someone is being stupid:
You should really start thinking about changing your dealer!
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected
expected?
If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.
The shortest horror story: Monday.
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of
people.
How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her,
go to the end of the world for her.
-
How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.
Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake - but you are faster.
4 bottles of bleach: $20.00. A coil of rope, 4 rolls
of duct tape, and a shovel: $45.00. 3 boxes of XXL bin liners: $10.00.
-
The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
Funny insult
-
You go back to the highway! That’s the place for freaky accidents.
Don't be a fool, stop hating Mondays.
Be a professional and hate the whole week!
The password to your life is “Humor”.
Good persuasion technique:
Come over to the dark side... we've got candy.
A truth of life:
Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!
German saying:
Too long speeches lead to no actions.
Some harsh morning reality:
The early bird dies of sleep deprivation.
The weekend has landed:
Goodbye, social status and dignity. I'll see you Monday.
Don't share the host's music taste?:
"I believe they are actually using this music to keep the hobos from
train stations."
Need to defend a messy apartment?
We maintain an alternative lifestyle.
A smooth break-up line:
There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I'm not even
willing to throw up in your direction.
When you just want to be mean:
If I were you, I'd wish to be me!
They say good, honest work never did anybody any
harm, but I don't want even the slightest risk.
Sunday early bird:
Why do you call so early? It is Sunday! 3 pm in the morning!!!
May I be excused? My brain is quite full.
Experts say you shouldn’t eat at night. So who put the light bulb in the
refrigerator?
Funny bumper stickers:
Do we know each other? No? Then please keep your distance.
-
Sure, overtake me if you want. We'll meet again at the next traffic
light.
-
Braking is for suckers.
-
Am I driving too close in front of you?
-
Escape vehicle. Please do not park too close.
-
I'm also lost. There's no need to follow me.
-
I never drive faster than my guardian angel can fly.
Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo
doll of me.
More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already runs 75 miles
a day.
There are things in the world I wouldn't mention even
to myself.
Don’t believe everything you think.
I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed
person.
I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But
their ideas are just awesome sometimes!
I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads
to do tomorrow.
Of course I have a talent. I'm really good in bed.
Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
If I can still lie on the ground without having to
hold myself, I'm not drunk.
A sound defense:
Crazy? Me? Nah - It was the voices that told me to do it.
I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning”
seems to be going a bit too far.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
Funny that you can't spell "slaughter" without
"laughter".
Don’t lose faith! Life is wonderful! I mean, not
yours, but still!I
speak fluent Ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck.
My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t
get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.
Stop smoking for good.
-
Smoke for evil!
Promises are like babies… They’re fun to make but
hard to deliver.
Just you keep on talking, for sure someday you’ll say
something intelligent.
Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small
for you to let it out alone.
Everyone wants what’s best for you.
So don’t you let them take it!!!
It is what’s inside that matters - the fridge is a
perfect example.
I know now what whipping feels like. I was standing
in the wrong place when I pushed the cord retraction button on my vacuum
cleaner.
If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check
your pulse.
When somebody is totally angry, why not say:
"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."
A lot of people are only alive today because the law
makes it impossible to shoot them.
I just broke my record at the gym. I sucked in my
belly for a whole hour and a half.
Oh no, did you fall down?
-
No, I hugged the floor!
-
Come on, why are you crying then?
-
It was an emotional moment.
What – me?! A stalker?! Never! I just like to be well
informed, that’s all.
A keychain is a device which enables you to lose all
keys at once.
I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I
mean, where else would I get 40%?!
They forbid tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if
you manage to hijack an airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you
probably deserve that airplane.
I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Well, that's
it for my last talent.
I have a motivational problem. But only until I reach
the point of having a deadline problem.
I quite like the hurricane season. I can just put
anything I don’t need anymore out on the balcony.
There are days when you just want to envelope
everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a
flamethrower.
One way to get rid of the Jihadi problem, and fast,
would be to persuade the Chinese black market that Jihadist testicles
are a super powerful aphrodisiac.
Next time you get a call from an unknown caller, pick
it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere." and
hang up.
When you don't know the answer or perhaps you don't
want to say:
I will now answer you with a direct and unequivocal "maybe".
Buy an electric car and get a dog free. Never walk
home alone again.
If the guy on the ATM in front of me takes even
longer, I’m going to ask him what level he’s on now.
WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think
that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.
When somebody has a belly ache or doesn't feel well,
why not cheer them up with:
Ah, you've been nibbling from the loo again, haven't you.
I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep
showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.
Did you see (or possibly get) a bad hairdo?
I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living...
The internet never forgets.
The internet must be female.
... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:
"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"
... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.
When a bird hits your window, how do you know God
isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?
9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy. The
tenth is humming.
Impressive how some people can play 5 instruments.
Me? Well, I can clap my hands.
When you're late:
I'm never late. The others are simply too early!
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small
for my weight.
New Sayings
