200+ Cool and Funny Sayings
Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart
remarks for any occasion, witty wisdoms for fun and reflection.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally
stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.
A good deadline reaches
places motivation never could.
I don’t hate.
Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were
really the same.
I’m not saying I’m overreacting. But there
are good times and there are bad times to hand me a chain saw.
Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not,
the light is always on for you in the fridge.
Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.
I think your parents shouldn't have built the swing
that close to the wall.
How to part in style after having a row with your friend:
your pillow is warm on both sides in the summer!”
It's amazing how nice people are to you
when they know you're going away.
First rule of Sundays:
If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t
The last thing I want to do is to hurt you.
But we’ll get there eventually, once I’ve gone through the entire list.
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
If you had to decide between a diet and a
piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.
Every time a bird craps on my car, I go out on my terrace and eat some
scrambled eggs. Just to show them who’s the boss.
You may have one but that doesn't mean you have to act
Anything done before the first coffee of the day
could be classified as self-defense.
Oh phew. That was
narrow. It nearly interested me.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
gravity still works!”
I read married couples do it about 74 times per year. It’s end of November
now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
Just checked my bank account. Anybody in need of a kidney?
My relationship is like an iPad.
I don't have an iPad.
Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly
I’m on a
strict seafood diet.
I see food, I eat it.
I never do the same
I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
What not to say when you get pulled over:
Police officer: Papers.
Any of us has
the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing
is free now.
There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not
always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring
crayons to explain this to you.
I was sexually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m
Not giving a shit can surprisingly be the
right choice when your toilet breaks down.
Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.
If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.
Somebody’s rolling their eyes at you? Just say, “Why are you rolling your
eyes? Trying to find your brain?”
I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a
How many times must I flush before you finally go
Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.
love life is like the beginning of a fairytale: A long time ago, in a land
As long as cocoa beans
grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together
in the same room.
When someone talks BS:
see a trash can sign on my forehead?
Ok, then keep your garbage
What can you say when it's already late and you really want to go home?
Can you hear that? That's my pillow calling and it becomes really mean when
I let it wait too long.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.
A housewife's battle:
The household stares at me. I stare right
back. Without breaking eye contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my
mouth. I won!
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
If you ever see me running, run like hell too. I’m far too lazy to be
running without a good reason.
A list of things that look good in leopard pattern:
*End of list*
moment when you wave back at your neighbor for about 5 minutes until you
notice that she’s just been cleaning the window.
You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being infantile forever.
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to
nag him every 6 months about it.
We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought
he was God.
I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.
What to say when nature calls in a polite but understanding society?
1. Excuse me, I have a stool appointment.
2. Please excuse me while I
go check the plumbing.
3. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass
to get rid of.
4. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure.
5. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown.
Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer.
me, I must punish the porcelain.
11. Excuse me, I have to deliver
12. Excuse me, I have to excrete.
I didn’t fall down.
I did attack the floor though.
How stupid are you?
Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.
What to say to a person that goes on your nerves?
I think you deserve
a standing ovation … of my longest finger!
Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s
accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.
It is a well documented fact that your urge to poo intensifies as you are
unlocking the front door.
All my life I thought air was for free.
That was until I bought a bag of
Of course you're not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.
Don’t mess with me, I know aikido and judo! And a few other Japanese
words and phrases!
Married women face a significantly lower risk of kidnapping, nobody can be
certain that the ransom would actually be paid.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.
I'm in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at
me and winking.
I didn’t fall down. The floor needed a hug.
Top 10 funny messages for an answering machine message
Hello, this is Frank's fridge. If you leave a message, I will attach it on
my door with a magnet.
2. Hello, I am David's answering machine. And
who are you?
3. Hello, this is Death speaking. If you leave your
name and telephone number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Hi, I'm at home but unfortunately too drunk to find the telephone. Please
leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm capable of it.
5. Hello, this is Daniel's answering machine. Please leave a message between
the beeps: Beep-beep. Nothing? OK, good bye.
6. Hello, this is Anna's answering machine. I'm always here for you and I
love listening to you. Please leave a message after the beep.
please not the beep. Please, noooo.... Beep
8. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be
used against you. Please speak after the beep.
9. Hello, you are connected to the Vatican. All the confessionals are
currently busy. Please explain your sins in full detail after the tone.
10. Hello? Hello? Yes, Aha... Well this is Tony's answering machine. Sorry
he's not here. But you can leave him a message after the tone.
Now that's just plain unfair:
"To work in order to stop yourself
thinking is also laziness."
You were the only child in your family to be given up for
After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.
I am an example to others.
A bad example.
Rule No. 1:
Women are always right.
Rule No. 2: If a woman is not right, Rule
Men with piercings are ideal marriage
material. They are not new to pain and they have experience with buying
- Gabi Köster
Girls want a lot from one
On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.
When somebody talks crap:
“Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit
of bullshit left on your mouth.”
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" clearly never tried slamming a
The human body was clearly designed by a civil engineer. Who else would put
a waste disposal pipeline running through a recreational area?
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
Intelligent people are full of doubt (I think).
My boyfriend is so ugly, I
sometimes have to put roofies in my own drink.
Here’s a cup full of the hoots I give: \_/
Ooooh no, look, it’s
When the weekend is over:
Where exactly was I in the night from
Friday to Monday???
It's funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn't end as they
Monday office chat:
There are days one should really just sleep through. Like Monday through
I’ve got a problem for your solution.
Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a malfunctioning rubber, so it’s
only right it should end that way, too.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Miss, I think you’re fantastic… Will you give me your phone number?
Sure, you can find it in the Yellow Pages.
But I don’t know your
Oh it’s in there too.
War never decides who is right. War only decides who is left.
What rhymes with zoo and smells bad?
Psychologists have found out that to maintain a good mental state, we should
hug wholeheartedly around 9 people every day.
Or punch one key person in the face.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
17th October is the International Day for the Eradication of Poverty.
checked my bank account and I think I’ll better spend October 17th in hiding.
If you have been struck by a headache, follow the instructions on the
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Do you really need those extra few hours on a Saturday morning? But the kids
are being noisy? Just tell them, “OK kiddos, wake me up in
half an hour so we can finally get cracking on cleaning the house from top
Pity there’s no gym for your face.
Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the
ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
If you’re using the phrase "easy as taking
candy from a baby", try taking candy from a baby.
five days after the weekend are the toughest.
No, I don't read. The letters get really repetitive after a while.
Love life self-help:
Oh come on Amor, that's enough man. Give me the
arrow and I'll do it myself!
Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the
Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together with no
arguing, a bank has just been robbed.
My cactus died. Now it’s official. The desert takes better care of plants
than I do.
Flies don't stand a chance,
I'm a one man S.W.A.T. team.
You can hide from cake. But
cake can’t hide from you.
Hard work pays off in the
future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.
remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.
There are three kind of people. The first kind likes
to take a shower. The second kind prefers a bath. And the third kind is like
If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water bill is
My middle finger salutes you!
I’ll be there to catch you
whenever you fall.
Love, the floor.
A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous
When you’re calling a woman, you need to call her twice. First time to give
her a chance to find the phone in her handbag, the second time for her to
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
be yourself. Unless you can also be a unicorn. In that case, always be a
He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.
Some people's x-rays actually look much better than their photographs.
course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell them to obviously can't.
I'm really good
at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it
wants to do it.
are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks
it’s an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and
assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two
stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
You have to excuse me, I suffer from
emotional constipation. I really can’t give a shit.
happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to hunt tacos myself.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what’s he done to you?
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing in her
I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have mistaken me for somebody
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I
did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags because I am precious.
Maybe you should move. There must be a village looking for an idiot.
If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your
Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
How could men understand what women want?
So often they have to
watch women pluck out their eyebrows only to paint them right on again!
Take a shower with your girlfriend, they said. It would be romantic, they
said. Yeah, I’ve been standing in the corner, wet and freezing, handing her
the shower gel, the shampoo, the conditioner... I just hope she doesn’t
start shaving her legs next.
Anyone can get a sign from above.
And it’s a good sign when that sign
isn’t a roof tile.
Hangover: The revenge of the few surviving brain cells for their fallen
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a
second cash desk.
They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?
With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit
against your parents.
Yeah, roll your eyes all you like, it won’t help you. You won’t find any
brains up there.
An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the
optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after
I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a great big idiot.
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s possibly
because there’s more manure there!
I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.
Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours belongs in the
I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I
Of course I love sport. That's why I do it so
sparingly. It should really remain something special.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
When someone is being stupid:
You should really start
thinking about changing your dealer!
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected
If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.
The shortest horror story: Monday.
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the
world for her.
How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry
a pack of beer.
Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake - but you are faster.
4 bottles of bleach: $20.00. A coil of rope, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a
shovel: $45.00. 3 boxes of XXL bin liners: $10.00.
The look on the
cashier’s face: Priceless!
You go back
to the highway! That’s the place for freaky accidents.
Don't be a fool, stop hating
Be a professional and hate the whole week!
The password to your life is “Humor”.
Good persuasion technique:
Come over to the dark side... we've got
A truth of life:
Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind
Too long speeches lead to no actions.
Some harsh morning reality:
The early bird dies of sleep deprivation.
The weekend has landed:
Goodbye, social status and dignity. I'll see
Don't share the host's music taste?:
"I believe they are actually
using this music to keep the hobos from train stations."
Need to defend a messy apartment?
We maintain an alternative
A smooth break-up line:
There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I'm not even
willing to throw up in your direction.
When you just want to
If I were you, I'd wish to be me!
They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don't want even
the slightest risk.
Why do you call so early? It is Sunday! 3 pm in the
May I be
excused? My brain is quite full.
Experts say you shouldn’t eat at night. So who put the light bulb in the
Funny bumper stickers:
Do we know each other? No? Then please keep your distance.
Sure, overtake me if you want. We'll meet again at the next traffic light.
Braking is for suckers.
Am I driving too close in front of you?
Escape vehicle. Please do not park too close.
I'm also lost.
There's no need to follow me.
I never drive faster than my guardian
angel can fly.
Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo doll of me.
More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already runs 75 miles a day.
There are things in the world I wouldn't mention even to myself.
Don’t believe everything you think.
I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.
I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their
ideas are just awesome sometimes!
I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
Of course I have a talent. I'm really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more
than 9 hours in one go.
can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I'm not drunk.
Crazy? Me? Nah - It was the voices that told me to do it.
I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning” seems to be going a bit too
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
Funny that you can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter".
Don’t lose faith! Life is wonderful! I mean, not yours, but still!I
speak fluent Ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck.
My opinion of you has
dropped significantly lower since then.
The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t
drink. He also doesn’t exist.
Stop smoking for good.
Smoke for evil!
Promises are like babies… They’re fun to make but hard to deliver.
Just you keep on talking, for sure someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Do not let your mind wander
too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
Everyone wants what’s best for you.
So don’t you let them take it!!!
It is what’s inside that matters - the fridge is a perfect example.
I know now what whipping feels like. I was standing in the wrong place when
I pushed the cord retraction button on my vacuum cleaner.
If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.
When somebody is totally angry, why not say:
"Yes, young Skywalker.
Come over to the dark side of the Force."
A lot of people
are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.
I just broke my record at the gym. I sucked in my belly for a whole hour and
did you fall down?
No, I hugged the floor!
Come on, why are
you crying then?
It was an emotional moment.
What – me?! A stalker?! Never! I just like to be well informed, that’s all.
A keychain is a device which enables you to lose all keys at once.
I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I mean, where else would
I get 40%?!
They forbid tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if you manage to hijack an
airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you probably deserve that airplane.
I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Well, that's it for my last talent.
I have a motivational
problem. But only until I reach the point of having a deadline problem.
I quite like the hurricane season. I can just put anything I don’t need
anymore out on the balcony.
There are days when you just want to envelope everybody with light and
warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.
One way to get rid
of the Jihadi problem, and fast, would be to persuade the Chinese black
market that Jihadist testicles are a super powerful aphrodisiac.
The worst thing about parallel parking are the eyewitnesses.
you get a call from an unknown caller, pick it up and say: "It's done, but
there's tons of blood everywhere." and hang up.
don't know the answer or perhaps you don't want to say:
I will now
answer you with a direct and unequivocal "maybe".
When I was a kid my parents used to forbid me
to even go near the cupboard with all the cleaning bottles. I’m proud to say
it works until today.
If the guy on the ATM in front of me takes even longer, I’m going to ask
him what level he’s on now.
Buy an electric car and get a dog free. Never walk home alone again.
WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering
when you are quite definitely not.
When somebody has a belly ache or doesn't feel well, why not cheer them up
Ah, you've been nibbling from the loo again, haven't you.
I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep
showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.
Did you see (or possibly get) a bad
I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living...
The internet never forgets.
The internet must be female.
... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:
"Laugh and be happy,
it could be worse!"
... and so I laughed and was happy and it really
When a bird hits your window, how do you know God isn’t playing Angry Birds
9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm
crazy. The tenth is humming.
Impressive how some people can play 5 instruments. Me? Well, I can clap my
When you're late:
I'm never late. The others are simply too early!
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.