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Blonde Jokes

The best first: A blonde girl calls her husband: “Darling, the car won’t start!”
The husband says: “Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. When I’m not driving with you, you have to sit on the left side.”
Our funniest categories:
Blonde Jokes

The worldwide best Blonde Jokes

See also:New Blonde Jokes

Why would it take too long to build a blonde snowman?
You would spend too much time hollowing out the head.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Just put her in front of a mirror and have her play "Rock, paper, scissors."

 What does a fox do when he steps into a trap?
He bites off one leg and is free.
What does a blonde fox do when he steps into a trap?
He bites off 3 legs and is still trapped.
Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?

A: Grade five.
What do you call a blonde without breasts?
Leonardo di Caprio.

One blonde asks another: “How come the meteorites always manage to land in craters?”
Ear doctor to a blonde: "Could you please put a hand over your other ear? The sun is quite blinding."
 One blonde to the other: "Shall I tell my parents that I am adopted?"
“My mother told me I’ll be safe in the car during a lightning storm. Yeah, thanks mom, now I'm pregnant.”
Cindy (20), a blonde
A blonde girl says to her friend, "I think Bill is cheating on me. I'm no longer even sure the kids are mine."
 Why was the blonde running in circles around her bed?
She was trying to catch up on her sleep.
A blonde girl comes to the emergency room with burns on both ears and says, “Doctor, I was totally lost in thoughts and my phone rang and I picked up a hot iron instead.”
The doctor wonders, “And what happened to the other ear?”
The blonde girl replies, “Well I had to call my boyfriend to take me to the hospital!”
A guy is telling a brunette some blonde jokes. Finally she interrupts him and says, “It’s really funny and everything, but I’m actually a blonde, I’ve been dyeing my hair for years.”
“Oh”, hesitates the man, “um, should I start over and talk very, very slowly?”
One shark says to the other: “I ate a diver last week. I’m still sick from all the plastic.”

The other shark waves a fin: “That’s nothing. I ate a blonde last week. She was such an airhead I still can't dive.”
A blonde goes to court. Eventually the judge says: “I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.”

The blonde is thrilled: “Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?”
Blonde Troubles Joke

Why do women have blue spots around their navels sometimes? 
Because there are also blonde men.

Do you need to keep a blonde girl busy for days? Give her a paper with "please turn over" written on both sides.
Two blondes are talking, “Did you know that Christmas will be on Friday this year?”
“Oh hell, not Friday the 13th I hope!”
Q: What was a blonde’s first reaction to a box of Cheerios?
A: "Ooh look! Doughnut seeds!"
What is the leading cause of death in blonde brain cells? - Loneliness.
 Why did the blonde only have 3 kids?
Because she read that every 4th child born is Chinese.
My boyfriend always clears the browser history so we’d have more saving space on our computer. He’s really very thoughtful.

Cindy, 23, blonde.
The Fallen Blonde Joke

How do you get a one-armed blonde down from a tree?
Husband says to his blonde wife, “I thought we were going to have rice with the meat?”

Blonde wife replies, “That’s right, but the cooking instructions for the rice said I needed 8 cups of water and there are only 6 cups in the cupboard.”
Why does the blonde leave the bathroom door open?
Because somebody could be peeping at her through the keyhole.
A blonde ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked if she wants it cut into six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I would never be able to eat twelve pieces."

One day two blondes and a brunette got stuck in an elevator.

One blonde starts to yell, “Help!!!”

Then the other one, “Help!!!”

The brunette suggests, “Come on girls, let's scream together, it will be louder.”

“OK,” agree the blondes, “Together!!! Together!!!”
A blonde meets up with an old friend of hers, a brunette. Their talk goes in the direction of lovers and the brunette says: “So I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde gasps in surprise and asks excitedly, “Wow, so how many is a brazillion?”
Q: What do you get when you give a blonde girl a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Why is it more convenient to park with a blonde in the car?
You can park in a disabled place.
What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?
Artificial intelligence.
"How come your blond girlfriend never smiles?"
"Because I told her once that I want a serious relationship and not just fooling around."
Blonde Car Humor

Q: Why did the blonde buy an elephant instead of a new car?
A: She heard the elephant has a bigger trunk.
“I got a nice compliment on my driving today”, a blonde brags to her friend. “There was a note left on my windshield and it said “parking fine”.
Why is it difficult for blonde girls to write the number 11?
They never know which of the 1s comes first.
Why is it a bad idea to let a blonde girl skydive when she's on her period?
She always pulls the wrong string.
Q: What would you call a clever blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Little Johnny asks his blonde mum: "Do you believe there is life on the moon?"
"Of course, look, they have the lights on."
A blonde in a miniskirt tells her friend, "A guy made me an offer today. He said he'll give me $30 if I make a handstand. So I did, of course."
Her friend replies, "Come on, he just wanted to see your panties."
The blonde girl replies, "Hey I'm not that stupid. I took them off before!"
Why do blondes sometimes invite as many as 17 friends for a movie night?
Because the DVD says "Only for 18+ viewers"!
Funny Blonde Digestion Mystery

A blonde to her doctor: "I swallowed an ice cube a few days ago but it hasn't come out yet."
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.

Suddenly a voice from above says: “There are no fish here.” Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn’t see anybody. She shrugs and continues.

After a while the voice comes again: “There are no fish here.” The blonde looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?“

The voice replies, „No, this is the ice-skating rink’s maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.”
A blonde girl asks, "Excuse me, where is the other side of the street?"

"Over there."

The blonde frowns, "Funny, they sent me here from over there..."
Q: What should you do if a blonde tosses a grenade at you?
A: Pull out the pin and throw it back.
Two blondes and a brunette are standing in front of a river when a fairy comes and says, “I will grant each of you one wish.”

The first blonde says, “I wish for water wings so I could get across the river.” The fairy grants her this wish and the blonde swims across.

The second blonde says, “I wish for a swimming ring so I could get across the river.”

 The fairy grants her this wish and the second blonde swims across.

The brunette then says, “I wish for a million dollars,” and walks across the bridge.
Why do blondes smile during a lightning storm?
They want to look good in the photograph.
How do you break a blonde's nose?
Put 50 US$ in the lower shelf of a glass-top table and say: "Here, it's for you!"
What does one blonde's leg say to the other when they meet?
"Oh hey, that's nice, I've not seen you in ages!"
Q: How can you tell a blonde has been making choc chip cookies?
A: There are Smarties shells all over the kitchen floor.
Why don’t blondes water ski? They haven’t found a lake with a slope yet.
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and exclaims: "Doctor, please help me. Whenever I touch my leg, ow! It really hurts...

When I touch my elbow, oh Lord! It hurts...

When I touch my head, goodness gracious it hurts!

When I touch my elbow it hurts like hell!"
The Doctor looks her over and calmly replies: "Miss, it appears your finger is broken."
There is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in Grade 5. Which of the girls has the largest breasts?
The blonde one, she’s already 18.

One blonde says to the other: "I did a pregnancy test."
The other nods appreciatively and asks, "And, were the questions really hard?"
One blonde says to another: “I don’t know, this business with the pyramids being over 4000 years old. I mean, we’ve only got 2021, haven’t we?”
Blonde Mathematics Chuckle

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Ask her to count the stairs on an escalator.
What do you call a blonde girl with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.
How do you keep a blonde chick busy? (see below)

How do you keep a blonde chick busy? (see above)
Why did the blonde girl shut herself in the fridge?
She wanted to know if the light really goes off.
A cashier in the cinema asks a blonde customer, „Tell me, you’ve already been here three times in the past 10 minutes, why do you want yet another ticket?”

The blonde replies, “Well I only wanted to get one, but the guy up front always tears it up!”
What do you call a blonde who lost 95% of her intelligence?
A widow.
A blonde hits another car. The other driver goes berserk and yells, "Did you even do a driving test you stupid cow?"

The blonde replies with dignity, "Yes, and probably a lot more times than you did!"

A blonde girl calls her boyfriend at work, "Darling, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle but I just can't figure it out. All the pieces look the same."
"And do you have the picture of what it's supposed to look like in the end?"
"Yes, there is a red rooster on the box. But it just doesn't seem to work out."
"Well don't worry about it, we'll look at it in the evening together."
When he comes home in the evening, the blonde shows him the puzzle. After a long silence, he says, "Alright, now we'll just put those cornflakes back and not mention it again."
Why don't blondes get sick very often?
Viruses and bacteria also have their pride!
Q: A blonde flies with you to London on a plane; how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her that the seats going to London are all in the middle row.
Dumb Blonde Humor

Do blondes suffer from headaches? No. Why not?
No brain, no pain! 

See also:New Blonde Jokes

* A small note on usage: It is NOT OK to use blonde jokes, even though they're really funny, to make actual living, breathing people feel crap. We all recognize that this is just ongoing teasing with no foundation in reality at all, as all blonde doctors, inventors, engineers etc etc etc can readily prove.
With that in mind, enjoy these horribly mean and ridiculously funny jokes, for academic purposes!

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