Blonde Jokes!
See also:
New Blonde Jokes
Why would it take too long to build a blonde snowman?
-
You would spend too much time hollowing out the head.
How do you
keep a blonde busy for hours?
-
Just put her in front of a mirror and have her play "Rock, paper,
scissors."
What does a fox do when he steps into a trap?
-
He bites off one leg
and is free.
-
What does a blonde fox do when he steps into a trap?
-
He bites off 3 legs and is still trapped.
Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?
A: Grade five.
What do you call a blonde without breasts?
-
Leonardo di Caprio.
One blonde asks
another: “How come the meteorites always manage to land in craters?”
Ear doctor to a blonde: "Could you please put a hand over your other ear?
The sun is quite blinding."
One blonde to the other: "Shall I tell my parents that I am adopted?"
“My mother told me I’ll be safe in the car during a lightning storm.
Yeah, thanks mom, now I'm pregnant.”
-
Cindy (20), a blonde
A blonde girl says to her friend, "I think Bill is cheating on me. I'm no
longer even sure the kids are mine."
Why was the blonde
running in circles around her bed?
-
She was trying to catch up on her
sleep.
A blonde girl comes to the emergency room with burns
on both ears and says, “Doctor, I was totally lost in thoughts and my phone
rang and I picked up a hot iron instead.”
-
The doctor wonders, “And
what happened to the other ear?”
-
The blonde girl replies, “Well I had to call my boyfriend to take me to
the hospital!”
A guy is telling a brunette some blonde jokes. Finally she interrupts him
and says, “It’s really funny and everything, but I’m actually a blonde, I’ve
been dyeing my hair for years.”
-
“Oh”, hesitates the man, “um, should I start over and talk very, very
slowly?”
One shark says to the other: “I ate a diver last
week. I’m still sick from all the plastic.”
The other shark waves a
fin: “That’s nothing. I ate a blonde last week. She was such an airhead I
still can't dive.”
A blonde goes to court. Eventually the
judge says: “I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence
that you stole the 10000 US$.”
The blonde is thrilled: “Gosh, so
does that mean I can keep the money?”
Why do women have
blue spots around their navels sometimes?
-
Because there are also
blonde men.
Do you need to keep a blonde girl busy for days? Give her a paper with
"please turn over" written on both sides.
Two blondes are talking, “Did you know that Christmas will be on Friday this
year?”
-
“Oh hell, not Friday the 13th I hope!”
Q: What was a blonde’s first reaction to a box of Cheerios?
-
A: "Ooh look! Doughnut seeds!"
What is the leading cause of death in blonde brain cells? - Loneliness.
Why did the blonde only have 3 kids?
-
Because she read that every
4th child born is Chinese.
My boyfriend always clears the browser
history so we’d have more saving space on our computer. He’s really very
thoughtful.
Cindy, 23, blonde.
How do you get a one-armed blonde down from a tree?
-
Wave!
Husband says to his blonde wife, “I thought we were going to have rice with
the meat?”
Blonde wife replies, “That’s right, but the cooking
instructions for the rice said I needed 8 cups of water and there are only 6
cups in the cupboard.”
Why does the blonde leave the
bathroom door open?
-
Because somebody could be peeping at her through
the keyhole.
A blonde ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked
if she wants it cut into six or twelve pieces.
-
"Six, please. I
would never be able to eat twelve pieces."
One day two blondes and a brunette got stuck in an elevator.
One
blonde starts to yell, “Help!!!”
Then the other one, “Help!!!”
The brunette suggests, “Come on girls, let's scream together, it will be
louder.”
“OK,” agree the blondes, “Together!!! Together!!!”
A blonde meets up with an old friend of
hers, a brunette. Their talk goes in the direction of lovers and the
brunette says: “So I slept with a Brazilian…”
-
The blonde gasps in surprise and asks excitedly, “Wow, so how many is a
brazillion?”
Q: What do you get when you give a blonde girl a penny for her thoughts?
-
A: Change.
Why is it more convenient to park with a
blonde in the car?
You can park in a disabled place.
What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?
-
Artificial
intelligence.
"How come your blond girlfriend never
smiles?"
-
"Because I told her once that I want a serious relationship
and not just fooling around."
Q: Why did the blonde buy an
elephant instead of a new car?
-
A: She heard the elephant has a
bigger trunk.
“I got a nice compliment on my
driving today”, a blonde brags to her friend. “There was a note left on my
windshield and it said “parking fine”.
Why is it difficult
for blonde girls to write the number 11?
-
They never know which of
the 1s comes first.
Why is it a bad idea to let a blonde
girl skydive when she's on her period?
-
She always pulls the wrong string.
Q: What would you call a clever blonde?
-
A: A golden retriever.
Little Johnny asks his blonde mum: "Do you believe there is life on the
moon?"
-
"Of course, look, they have the lights on."
A blonde in a miniskirt tells her friend, "A guy made me an offer today.
He said he'll give me $30 if I make a handstand. So I did, of course."
-
Her friend replies, "Come on, he just wanted to see your panties."
-
The blonde girl replies, "Hey I'm not that stupid. I took them off
before!"
Why do blondes sometimes invite as many as 17 friends for a
movie night?
-
Because the DVD says "Only for 18+ viewers"!
A blonde
to her doctor: "I swallowed an ice cube a few days ago but it hasn't come
out yet."
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts
fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: “There are no fish here.”
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn’t see anybody. She shrugs and
continues.
After a while the voice comes again: “There are no fish here.”
The blonde looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?“
The voice replies, „No,
this is the ice-skating rink’s maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no
fish here.”
A blonde girl asks, "Excuse me, where is the other side of the street?"
"Over there."
The blonde frowns, "Funny, they sent me here from over
there..."
Q: What should you do if a blonde tosses a grenade at you?
-
A: Pull
out the pin and throw it back.
Two blondes and a brunette are standing in front of a river when a fairy
comes and says, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
The first blonde says,
“I wish for water wings so I could get across the river.” The fairy grants
her this wish and the blonde swims across.
The second blonde says, “I
wish for a swimming ring so I could get across the river.”
The fairy grants
her this wish and the second blonde swims across.
The brunette then says,
“I wish for a million dollars,” and walks across the bridge.
Why do blondes smile during a lightning storm?
-
They want to look
good in the photograph.
How do you break a blonde's nose?
-
Put 50 US$ in the lower shelf
of a glass-top table and say: "Here, it's for you!"
What does one blonde's leg say to the other when they meet?
-
"Oh hey, that's nice, I've not seen you in ages!"
Q: How can you tell a blonde has been making choc chip cookies?
-
A:
There are Smarties shells all over the kitchen floor.
Why don’t blondes water ski? They haven’t found a lake with a slope yet.
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and exclaims: "Doctor, please help me.
Whenever I touch my leg, ow! It really hurts...
When I touch my elbow, oh
Lord! It hurts...
When I touch my head, goodness gracious it hurts!
When I
touch my elbow it hurts like hell!"
The Doctor looks her over and calmly
replies: "Miss, it appears your finger is broken."
There is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in Grade 5. Which of the girls
has the largest breasts?
-
The blonde one, she’s already 18.
One blonde says to the other: "I did a pregnancy test."
The
other nods appreciatively and asks, "And, were the questions really hard?"
One blonde says to another: “I don’t know, this business with the pyramids
being over 4000 years old. I mean, we’ve only got 2021, haven’t we?”
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
-
Ask her to count the
stairs on an escalator.
What do you call a blonde girl with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
How do you keep a blonde chick busy? (see below)
How do you keep
a blonde chick busy? (see above)
Why did the blonde girl
shut herself in the fridge?
She wanted to know if the light really
goes off.
A
cashier in the cinema asks a blonde customer, „Tell me, you’ve already been
here three times in the past 10 minutes, why do you want yet another
ticket?”
The blonde replies, “Well I only wanted to get one, but the
guy up front always tears it up!”
What do
you call a blonde who lost 95% of her intelligence?
-
A widow.
A blonde hits another car. The other driver goes berserk and
yells, "Did you even do a driving test you stupid cow?"
The blonde
replies with dignity, "Yes, and probably a lot more times than you did!"
A blonde girl calls her boyfriend at work, "Darling, I'm doing this
jigsaw puzzle but I just can't figure it out. All the pieces look the same."
-
"And do you have the picture of what it's supposed to look like in the end?"
-
"Yes, there is a red rooster on the box. But it just doesn't seem to work
out."
-
"Well don't worry about it, we'll look at it in the evening
together."
-
When he comes home in the evening, the blonde shows him
the puzzle. After a long silence, he says, "Alright, now we'll just put
those cornflakes back and not mention it again."
Why don't blondes get sick
very often?
-
Viruses and bacteria also have their pride!
Q: A blonde flies with you to London
on a plane; how can you steal her window seat?
-
A: Tell her that the
seats going to London are all in the middle row.
Do blondes
suffer from headaches? No. Why not?
-
No brain, no pain!
See also:
New Blonde Jokes
* A small note on usage: It is NOT OK to use blonde jokes, even
though they're really funny, to make actual living, breathing
people feel crap. We all recognize that this is just ongoing
teasing with no foundation in reality at all, as all blonde
doctors, inventors, engineers etc etc etc can readily prove.
With that in mind, enjoy these horribly mean and
ridiculously funny jokes, for academic purposes!
