Seriously good jokes!
Girl: "I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the
time. I think we should split up."
Me: "Excellent idea. That way we
can cover more ground."
”Women really know how to hold a grudge.
My wife asked me to
pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
“Mom, the kids keep making fun of me, they keep laughing that my teeth
are too big!”
“Oh Jamie, never mind them. And how many times do
I have to ask you to try not to speak indoors, look, you’ve scratched
the whole floor again!”
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that
explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!" I mean, how
dangerous can a child be?
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to
take his bike away.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no
idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack
it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
up I said!“
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I
crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull
sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your
arms and told it to stop crying."
I just like to sleep without clothes on. The air-hostess could have been a bit more
A man is looking at himself in the mirror and he likes what he sees,
“Half an inch more and I’d be king.”
The mirror coughs
“Half an inch less and you’re a queen.”
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You know that
prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah
finally. No more of that dang hammering.”
Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very
pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re
right. She did gain weight.”
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my
Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted? I have to open the window.
I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern
philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I
called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your
YOU DID WHAT?!
Cookies. I made cookies for you.
At a mental hospital: “Doctor Fergusson, what do you want us to do with
the new arrival in room 18? He thinks he’s a wolf.”
Fergusson thinks for a moment, “First rule is, don’t let his grandmother
in for a visit!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it
was very nice of them.
What gives us milk and has one horn?
A milk truck.
I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and said, "I
want her home by midnight, young man!"
I said, "What do you mean?
You already own her home!"
I hate people who take drugs. DEA is the worst.
The son asks his dad, “Dad, what can I do if I want to live forever?”
Dad replies, “All you have to do is marry.”
The son is
surprised, “And that will really make me live forever?”
replies wearily, “No, but the wish dies.”
My boss got really angry with me this morning. He kept shouting and
cursing for at least an hour.
After a while my habits kicked in
and at one point I said, “You’re right, honey.”
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A
good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to
the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right
back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common?
The idea, “I
will make it home.”
I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin. People often ask me how I
can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really. Jane likes to paint her
fingernails and Tom has a willie.
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s
been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn’t tell
what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I
got into his house.
My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me today. He told me that I make people
very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a
thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget that I exist and
only approach me when they need something.
Peter confronts his friend at work, “Paul, did you yell at my
wife, slap my kids about and kicked my cat when you came to pick up that
Paul stammers, “But… but your wife said I
should make myself at home!”
That moment when your teacher gets very angry with you because you’ve
been nervously clicking the ball pen, but you still have to click it one
more time to be able to write.
At a disco:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a
corner all alone?”
She: “I had to fart.”
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence,
one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can
you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget that I exist and only
approach me when they need something.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just
like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Man, can we change the topic please?