A couple sits on a sofa. He has foot odor and she has
mouth odor. After a moment of awkward silence, she says, “Paul, I have
to tell you something.” “No need,” Paul raises his hand, “it’s OK. I
know you ate my socks.”
Farting in a lift is wrong on so
many levels! Our employer invited us to a seminar called "Mobbing
at the workplace". I think I will skip this one. I'm already pretty good
at it. “I like it when people open up to me.” - Peter
(45), Surgeon
Girl: "I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be
some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up."
-
Me: "Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground."
”Women really know how to hold a grudge.
My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a
tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
I just read about a web designer who got arrested for running a
prostitution ring. That shocked me. I had no idea you could order a
website from him. Two pirates talk:
“My wooden leg hurts.”
“Phantom pain,
eh?”
“No, when I come home drunk, my wife likes to beat me with
it.”
“Mom, the kids keep making fun of me, they keep laughing that my teeth
are too big!”
-
“Oh Jamie, never mind them. And how many times do I have to ask you to
try not to speak indoors, look, you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
My friend talked me into lending her money for
plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months.
Unfortunately I have no idea what she looks like these days.
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy
beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this
morning.
Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for
children!" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got
so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The
uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the
vase was? It was from the 17th century!” - The boy sagged in
relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.” A man at a party: Hi, do you want to dance? -
Woman: Yeah, sure! - Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to
your pretty friend! What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a
cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this.
Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
-
But sir, this is a buffet.
-
Pack it up I said!“
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would
you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I
have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll
even catch the 4:11 one.”
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the
shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
I just like to sleep without clothes on. The
air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
A man is looking at himself in the mirror and he
likes what he sees, “Half an inch more and I’d be king.”
The mirror coughs discreetly,
“Half an inch less and you’re a queen.”
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning,
“You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”
Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of
the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him
tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She
believes I’m just after my money.
Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is
important too.
Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted? I have
to open the window.
I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self
through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply
toilet paper from Walmart!
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you
seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to
help where I can.
I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I
crashed your car.
-
YOU DID WHAT?!
-
Cookies. I made cookies for you.
At a mental hospital: “Doctor Fergusson, what do you
want us to do with the new arrival in room 18? He thinks he’s a wolf.”
-
Doctor Fergusson thinks for a moment, “First rule is, don’t let his
grandmother in for a visit!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera
down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very
nice of them.
What gives us milk and has one horn?
A milk truck.
I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very
sternly and said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"
-
I said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"
I hate people who take drugs. DEA is the worst.
The son asks his dad, “Dad, what can I do if I want
to live forever?”
-
Dad replies, “All you have to do is marry.”
-
The son is surprised, “And that will really make me live forever?”
-
Daddy replies wearily, “No, but the wish dies.”
My boss got really angry with me this morning. He
kept shouting and cursing for at least an hour.
After a while my habits kicked in and at one point I said, “You’re
right, honey.”
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said
by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues
during that awesome movie yesterday!”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while
one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed
himself with that thing!”
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the
mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common?
-
The idea, “I will make it home.”
I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.
People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really.
Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie.
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and
asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or
something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our
Frankie."
I freaked out the electrician by opening the door
naked. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact
that I was naked, or that I got into his house.
My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me today. He told
me that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for
personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally
ruined our bath!
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget
that I exist and only approach me when they need something.
Peter confronts his friend at work, “Paul, did you
yell at my wife, slap my kids about and kicked my cat when you came to
pick up that folder yesterday?!”
-
Paul stammers, “But… but your wife said I should make myself at home!”
Two sharks are swimming along in the ocean when
they spot a windsurfer.
“Ooh, look, a snack!” cheers up the first one.
The second one nods appreciatively, “And on a nice little plate with a
napkin, even!”
“Hey, Karen, how much do you weigh?”
“I’m not telling you!”
“Aw, come on, tell! Give me at least the last three digits!”
That moment when your teacher gets very angry with you because you’ve
been nervously clicking the ball pen, but you still have to click it one
more time to be able to write.
At a disco:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?”
-
She: “I had to fart.”
Two police officers crash their car into a tree.
After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the
fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang
please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget
that I exist and only approach me when they need something.
Mrs. Blutwurst is to have quite a tricky operation
and is very nervous about it. Just before she gets her anesthesia, she
grabs the surgeon by the hand, “Oh doctor, I’m so afraid!”
“Don’t you worry, Mrs. Blutwurst,“ says the doctor, “I did this
operation 30 times already. It has to work this time.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
Next Part
Hilarious Jokes
