A man runs after a bus and yells, “Stop, stop, please stop the bus!”
The bus driver stops the bus, opens the door and says: “You’re
lucky, usually I don't stop the bus when somebody misses it.”
The man: “Oh thank goodness you stopped. I don't actually need a ride.
But I really wanted to tell you that I'm vegan now!”
Two snakes meet:
“Why the sad face?”
“Well, I got new
glasses. I can finally see properly.”
“I don’t understand. This
should be good news.”
“Yes, but now I realized that I’ve been
dating a garden hose for the last couple of weeks.”
A driver got stopped by a police officer. “Sir, your wife just fell out
of the car, how did you not notice?”
The man turns around and
says, “Oh dear, yes! I was wondering if I’d lost my hearing – it was
suddenly so quiet!”
A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman
replies, "Yes, that is correct."
The suspicious detective
continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"
"The old fool used an elastic rope!"
A woman is at a
doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious
and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and
not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
No Fathers’ or
Did you hear about the German woman who started to work for the CIA
Her name was Top Sigrid
Do you know the joke about the airplane?
Never mind, it
didn't go down well anyways.
Which country's capital is the fastest growing?
Every year it's Dublin.
Do you know what’s up?
A man goes to a fortuneteller. „Let me read your palm", the lady starts.
The man gives her the hand, and the lady remarks: “Oh, I see, you have
no children.” “What? No!”, replies the man, “Me and my wife have 5
children.” “Well,” says the fortune teller, „that's what you think!”
A man applies to become a train driver for Amtrak.
As soon as he
enters the room, the job interviewer tells him, “Sorry, you can't have
the job. You came on time.”
A father of 8 children is studying a book on contraception with a slightly
manic look. After a short while, he cheers up and yells out to
his wife, “I’ve got it, Dorothy! You’re the one supposed to be taking
the pills, not me!”
Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a
Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful
Mother, father, and their child are sitting at a table.
“Mommy, I love you!”
Mommy: “That is so nice! I love you too!
And what about your daddy? Don't you want to say it to him, too?”
Kid: “Daddy, I love mommy.”
A dad is explaining how things are to his son, “I think it’s time you
knew, Greg. You know the Easter Bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy?
That’s always been me.”
“That’s OK, daddy, I’ve known for a long
time now that all these fairy creatures were really you. Except for the
stork, right? That was uncle Vernon?”
I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.
“ Why do men so often die before their wives do?
want to.Why is it a bad idea to play poker with a
Chances are it is a cheetah.
In a fish shop:
Customer, “Could you throw that fish at me,
Shop owner, “Why?”
Customer, “So I can tell my
wife that I caught it all by myself.”