Jokes about Husbands, Wives, Weddings and Marriage
Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I’ve been
married for years.
I got all sentimental when I saw my husband looking
at our marriage certificate for half an hour.
Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave
me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of
You need plastic surgery.
would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
‘Honey, if I
say yes, will you jump?'
I received an invitation for a wedding. I answered:
Maybe next time. Thanks.
Women can be wonderfully satisfied with only 3.5
inches. No matter if it’s a Mastercard or a Visa.
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems
very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to
have to let him in.
I don’t really mind sleeping on the couch. It’s like
living my childhood fantasies about the Wild West – including the angry
mama bear nearby.
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years
and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d
be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
The relationship between a man and a woman is a
psychological one. The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no
problem and locked her out of
Why don’t women propose?
Because when they kneel down, men get all the wrong ideas.
Lifehack for married men: If your wife asks you if
she gained weight, play dead.
What to give a man who’s got everything?
A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
But she figured out I was only after my money.
Women have ovaries. Interestingly, they are the
reason why they sometimes ovary act.
Two women chat:
Does your fiancé have a stutter?
Yes, but no worries. Once we’re married, I’ll be the one doing the
I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the
“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.
“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.
“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring
“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
Do I have to remove the cheating husband before I
throw the ring in the volcano?
– We had a terrible row with my wife last night. But
she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
– Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
– Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!
American scientists have finally found out what a
Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says,
“Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white
because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
– It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we
– With a minute of silence?
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.
Honey, what will you give me for our 25th
A trip to Thailand?
Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Then I pick you up again.
I got really angry with my car navigation today. I
even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in
front of my mother-in-law’s house.
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor
asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the
"If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have
"Don’t pretend I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that
you’re everything I have?"
A guy loses his job, all his money has gone, all hope
is lost and he’s walking miserably towards the dole line, wondering if
there’s anybody who could help him. Suddenly there’s thunder and
lightning and a scary, blood-covered demon appears in front of him.
He walks over to the man and in a rasping voice whispers in his ear, “I
have heard your pleas. I’m ready to give you a million bucks. But you
have to agree to give me your wife.”
“OK,” says the guy, “now where’s the catch?”
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty
things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Do you know why only 30% of wives make it to heaven?
Because if there were more, it would be hell instead.
My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity
Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that
couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her
hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”
If it's true that girls will probably marry men who
resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at
She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses
He: "But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."
She: "True, but I do."
Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
Because there’s a wedding going on.
But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I
will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
My husband and I had very happy twenty years. After
that we met.
My wife said she’d leave me unless I stop playing
constantly with the walkie-talkie, over.
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight.
I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any
panties and bra today?”
Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”
Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night
and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under
the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
And here’s another lesson in good manners: Throwing
the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?
Really poor taste at funerals.
Optimist. A man who leaves the engine running when
his wife says she’s “just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle
How did you like your lunch today, darling?”
“Oh you just have to look for reasons to fight, don’t you?!”
Why does a rooster crow so early in the morning?
He wants to get a word in before all the hens wake up.
Wife: “You know what? I refuse to talk about this
Wife 10 second later: “And you know what else?”
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She
hates to be interrupted.“
At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
“Hey George, what would you give to have my wife?”
“Are you high?! Not a penny.”
“Deal! She’s yours!”
If mothers-in-law would be inherently in harmony with
their sons-in-law, perhaps mankind wouldn’t have spread to all the far
reaches of the Globe?
Other than “It’s fine,” what other life threats do
She: “All my friends are telling me I married an
He: “What they mean is, only an idiot would’ve married you!”
My wife and I often exchange opinions.
I come with my own and leave with hers.
Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read
I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it
feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
Husband and Wife Jokes
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