Short and Funny Marriage Jokes
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me
alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my
spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me
recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in
the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much
not what she meant.
What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how
I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to
sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
But she figured out I was only
after my money.
I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital.
Lord, how is she?!” I asked.
“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said
“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one
of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are
really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I
said I was 87!"
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is
about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor,
“Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests:
"Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused:
"But that's your task, honey."
"It’s all over the
"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping
pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to
have to let him in.
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl
dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and
she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let
out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got
Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
A trip to
Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Then I pick you up again.
I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.
20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it.
The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share
the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s
been sucking my blood for years.”
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes
home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home,
checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
I got lost!
Where are you?
In the car.
audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!
Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
Because there’s a
wedding going on.
But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?
My husband and I had very happy twenty years. After that we met.
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
you’re not pregnant?”
Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”
Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”
Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back
and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
sometimes I talk back at my wife.
internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone
stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
Husband and Wife Jokes