Hilarious DAD JOKES
What do you call somebody who keeps abandoning their diet plans?
-
A desserter.
I just finished my book on babies.
Seriously, next time, I’m just going to use the table.
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
What would you call an obese psychic?
-
A four-chin teller.
What is yellow and hurts if you get it in the
eyes?
-
A school bus.
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?
Hop in.
When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals,
just a bit late.
"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?"
-
"We can hear it
better if the child falls out."
Which bus went from Spain to America?
-
Columbus.
What does a house wear?
Address (a dress).
Would you like to hear a construction joke?
[Yes]
Well I’m still working on it.
Corny Dad Jokes
Do you know how Moses makes his tea?
-
Hebrews it!
Do you feel cold?
-
Just go to the corner, there’s 90 degrees.
I read the other day that people eat more bananas than monkeys. No
surprises there, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
-
We’ll meet at the
corner.
How much longer is the Amazonas compared to the Nile?
[Don't know]
By 4
letters.
They tested a revolutionary new blender.
They got mixed
results.
"What is a bunny without a carrot?"
-
"Hungry!"
Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
Do you know how I embrace my mistakes?
-
I hug my wife and
children.
Did you know that UPS and Fedex are going into a merger? They will be
called Fed-Ups now.
I wanted to wear my camouflage jeans today but I just couldn’t find
them.
How do you call a boat without a rope?
-
"Boat!"
Why do fish make such lousy tennis players?
-
They’re afraid of coming close to the net.
Two penguins meet. One says, “Jesus it is cold today."
The other
hisses, “Shut up. Penguins can’t talk.”
Do you know the most important words that could open a lot of doors in
your life?
-
Push and Pull.
I’ve never liked speed bumps much. But I’m getting over it slowly.
I saw an expiration day on an anti-aging cream. Now that’s just a scam!
Have you heard that popular joke about sidewalks?
-
I’m
telling you, that thing’s all over town!
What would you call a female magician in the desert?
-
A
sandwich."
What type of candy is always late?
A chocoLATE.
It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
I sometimes feel like the 5th wheel in my family.
Which, of course, is the steering wheel.
You may be an American when you go to the restroom. You may be an
American when you leave the restroom.
But when you’re in there?
European.
How many pears grow on a tree?
-
They all do.
Dad: “You know, it’s a good thing we
aren’t Mexicans.”
-
Son: “What? Why?”
-
Dad: “Because we don’t know a word of Spanish.”
Do you know why I
can’t be buried in a cemetery?”
[No]
“Because I’m still
alive.”
What do people like to wear in England?
-
Tea-shirts.
Dad Jokes Part 1 |
Part 2 |
New Dad JokesSee
also:
Best Puns |
Bad Jokes
