A new one first: I just finished my book on babies.
Seriously, next time, I’m just going to use the table.
BEST DAD JOKES EVER
Those dad jokes can get so bad, corny and cheesy that you
can't but laugh! Punctuation can change a whole sentence. Observe: “Let’s eat, Grandma!”
“Let’s eat, punctuation.”
What is invisible and smells of carrots?
A little bunny’s fart.
What do you call a German entertainer? - A kraut-pleaser. What is hairy, brown, and goes up and down? - A kiwi in an elevator.
How do you recognize a gynecologist? - He usually wears his watch
closer to his elbow.
Do you know what my dream job is? - [NO] - Cashier. Women
are literally lining up for you.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant in the elevator? - No? Me
neither, I took the stairs.
Other than “It’s fine,” what other life threats do women use?
Why is our nose right in the middle of our face? - Well, it is
the scenter.
What would you call a clock covered in chocolate? - Food around
the clock.
Why did the singer take a bucket to her choir practice? - She
needed something to carry her tune.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
Which bus went from Spain to America? - Columbus.
What is cold and stands under a street lamp? - A frostitute.
I get all kinds of weird looks at the gym. Can’t they bring their own
pizza?
What does a house wear?
Address (a dress).
What is blue and lies under a mushroom? - Smurf poop.
How do you make holy water? Freeze it into ice, then drill in some
holes.
What fish is the best fighter? - The swordfish.
What is 5q + 5q?
[10q]
You're welcome!
Corny Dad Jokes
My doctor recommended that I eat more at Burger King. What else
could he mean when he told me I should eat less McDonald’s?
Would you like to hear a construction joke?
[Yes]
Well I’m still working on it.
Did you know that there’s not a single canary on Canary Islands? -
And did you know that the same holds for the Virgin Islands? -
Really, not a single canary.
Do you have a car – but no gas money? - Just fart in your wallet!
Tadaaa – gas money!
Do you know what’s up? - The ceiling.
Do you feel cold?
Then go to the corner, there’s 90 degrees.
Which bus went from Spain to America? - Columbus.
Two walls arrange a date – “Let's meet at the corner.”
I read the other day that people eat more bananas than monkeys. No
surprises there, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Working in a crematorium, you can never urn a living.
What do you do when the phone rings and you get a private caller? - Don't answer that.
Pick up for ranks
Lieutenant and higher only.
How much longer is the Amazonas compared to the Nile?
[Don't know]
By 4
letters.
They are testing a revolutionary new blender, but they’re getting mixed
results.
"What is a bunny without a carrot?" - "Hungry!"
Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
Do you know how I embrace my mistakes? - I hug my wife and
children.
A single glance tells me if somebody is lying. It’s the fact that
they’re horizontal that gives it away.
What is red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Did you know that UPS and Fedex are going into a merger? They will be
called Fed-Ups now.
The hipster from next door drowned. He went ice skating before it was
cool.
Not even orcas dare attack an octopus.
It’s too well armed.
I wanted to wear my camouflage jeans today but I just couldn’t find
them.
Cannibals aren’t very sociable. They’re all fed up with people.
I don’t know why people have a problem with wigs. It’s a look anybody
can pull off!
Bad Dad Jokes
Two cows meet, one says, "Mooooo!" - The other one is
offended, "Hey, I just wanted to say that!"
How do you call a boat without a rope? - "Boat!"
Two penguins meet. One says, “Jesus it is cold today."
The other
hisses, “Shut up. Penguins can’t talk.”
Why didn’t the Orange drive when the lights turned green again? - No
juice!
Why was the toilet paper rolling down the hill? - It was in a rush to
get to the bottom.
Do you know the most important words that could open a lot of doors in
your life? - Push and Pull.
Is Google a he or a she?
A she, no doubt, because it won‘t
let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for
20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?” - The
man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
I’ve never liked speed bumps much. But I’m getting over it slowly.
What is the worst combination of two sicknesses? - Diarrhea and
Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.
Which bus never drove on any street?
The globus.
Have you heard there was a kidnapping at the school? [NO] But it’s
fine now, the kid woke up again.
I was a doctor for a while but then I quit. I simply didn’t have enough
patience.
Little Petra asks her dad at breakfast time, “Daddy, can you please
teach me how to make eggs?”
Dad shakes his head, “Nope.”
“But why daddy? I want to learn!“
The dad winks at her, “I can’t
teach you how to make eggs because I’m not a hen.”
I saw an expiration day on an anti-aging cream. Now that’s just a scam!
Problems sleeping? Cut the legs of your bed. You'll sleep deeper.
Daddy what's a transvestite? - Ask Mommy, he knows.
Clever Dad Jokes
Have you heard that popular joke about sidewalks? - I’m
telling you, that thing’s all over town!
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more
comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
“Esrowneve” may look like gibberish, but when you put it backwards, it’s
even worse…
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What type of candy is always late?
A chocolate.
They say whiskey isn’t an answer. But I say it’s worth a shot.
You may be an American when you go to the restroom. You may be an
American when you leave the restroom.
But when you’re in there?
European.
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put
a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my
cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He
replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody
else.”
Funny Dad Remarks and Sayings
“Are you alright dad?”'
“Actually, technically, I’m half left
and half right.”
Do you know how to make somebody curious? [No] I'll tell you
tomorrow!
Son: I’m really sorry I did it, dad. - Dad: Well, son, you know
that now I must pun-ish you.
“Oh dad, you gotta save me!”
“And would you like to be a pdf or
an xls?”
Do you know why I
can’t be buried in a cemetery?”
[No]
“Because I’m still
alive.”
Dad, I’m done! - Hi Done, I’m dad.“
I have a very secure job. There’s nobody else who would want it.
I tried eating healthy but the salad kept falling off the cheeseburger.
I’ll call you later!” - “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked
you to call me Dad!”
I was struggling with a bad break-up. I was visiting home and I just
sighed to my dad, “Dad, give me some good advice. I just feel so
worthless sometimes.”
Dad looked at me and said, “Son, let’s not
forget that you’re thousands of dollars in debt because of your student
loans. So when you look at it, you’re actually below worthless.”
Son: “Am I adopted?” - Dad: “Not yet, it seems nobody is
interested.“
Dad, looking at soy milk: “Holá, milk, soy dad.
We had to pull over to let an ambulance whizz by, sirens blaring. My dad
was silent for a while and then commented, “I can’t see them selling
much ice-cream at this speed.”
“Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.”
“Absolutely!
‘Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!’”
Daughter: “How do I look, daddy?!”
Dad: “With your eyes,
sweetheart.”
Father: Do you know the joke from the 3rd floor? - Son: “No,” -
Father: Me neither, I was on the 2nd floor at the time.
Do you have a hole in your shoe? - [NO] What do you mean, no?
How did you get your foot in then?"
Hey dad how was your weekend?" - "Light, dark, light, dark,
Monday."
Dad to his son: "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young
and dumb."
Daughter to her dad: "What is it?" - Dad: “It” is a pronoun.“
Son, did you know I was named after Nikola Tesla?” - “But Dad,
your name is Michael!” - “True, but I was named AFTER him.”
You: “So, dad, I was thinking…”
Dad: “Ohhhhh and I wondered what
that high-pitched grinding sound was!”
How many pears grow on a tree? - They all do.
Do you know what makes me smile? - My facial muscles.
Dad to his daughter: "Never forget, sweetie, you're unique, like
everyone else."
Can you put my shoes on, dad?” - “Actually, I think they’re a
bit too small for me.”
Me, “Forgive me, but I'm really pissed off now!”
Dad, “Okay,
you're forgiven.
Dad on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t
help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot. It’s the only way I
can see the numbers!”How do you feel? [Good] Wrong. You feel with your skin.
"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" - "We can hear it
better if the child falls out."
I love my rock-hard, honed six-pack so much I protect it with a good
layer of lard.
You should always keep your cool when handling justice. Otherwise it
would become just warm.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word. Originally, it means “a bad hunter”.
Dad, can I leave the table please? - Sure, as long as you leave it
right where it is.
Wow, my pen can write hands-free! Isn’t that incredible??? It can write
all sorts of other words, too!!!
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