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Dry Jokes

Best first: I got so drunk yesterday night I had to take a taxi home. All went well, got home nice and safe and enjoyed a good night’s sleep.

My only problem now is – to whom does the taxi belong?!
May 24, 2020 / Last updated: May 25, 2020

 Author Michael Janikby

Dry Wit Rules. Enjoy.

 
I threw away my can opener.

It was more of a can’t opener.
Organ Doner Joke

Me: I’d like to travel…

My bank account: To work?
A passenger on an airplane sits next to a priest. Soon after the plane takes off, he accepts a glass of wine from the friendly stewardess, but the priest smiles apologetically at the stewardess’ offer and explains, “As a representative of the Catholic Church, I have to refuse the alcohol, just as I would refuse intercourse.”

His neighbor looks up from his glass and then at the stewardess, “I’m sorry – there was a choice?”
Lemmonade Joke

A man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, “Doctor, I was bitten by my dog.”

The doctor checks, “Did you put anything on it?”

“No, he seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments.”
“Well we can’t have this Mr. Rigby!” the doctor tells off his patient. “You pay me with a check and when I send it in to the bank, it bounces right back!”

“Isn’t that a coincidence, doctor, so does my eczema.”
Teacher explains to the children in civic education, “Every minute that I stand here talking to you, 12 people die.”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “perhaps you could try some mouthwash?”

That awkward moment when your parents have been telling you not to jump on the bed, but what do you hear at 11 pm? Your parents jumping on the bed.
They’re introducing facial recognition in smart phones.

I’m guessing 60% of women will have serious problems calling anyone in the mornings.
I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said – nothing, just bring a happy face.

I had to cancel.
“I’m a man with class.”

- Peter, 59, teacher.
Q: How do I eat consciously?

A: You try not to lose consciousness when eating.

What does an unemployed liberal arts graduate say to an employed liberal arts graduate?

Yes please, I’d love some ketchup for my fries.
What is small, square and green?

A small green square.
Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The police.

You have to hang on a minute, I’m pooping.

Yeah, we know. The photo booth has glass doors.
"Looks are not important. It’s what’s inside you that’s really valuable."

Howard, 37, black market organ dealer

“A few years back I’ve been on vacation in the Alps – wife got pregnant. The year after that – the Rockies, wife got pregnant. Two years after that – Tenerife, wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I think I’m going to have to take her with me this year, just in case.”
Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall: $200 per hour.
Mommy, who’s that black man?”

“Don’t touch Daddy, darling, he’s still electrified.”

A wife tells her husband, “I’m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, don’t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!”
Roger, when people say their date went well because they had chemistry, they don’t mean roofies.
My friend and I got arrested by the police. When we were in the police car, one of the officers told us to put the seatbelt on. My friend said, “Don’t worry about it. If anybody stops us, I’ll pay the fine.”

Everybody laughed.




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