Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid:
‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as
hungry as thought I was’?”
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I
forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
When I die, I want
to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and
screaming like the passengers in his car.
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now
it’s trying to blackmail me.”
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
First the doctor told me
the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
The last woman I was in was the Statue of
Honolulu – it’s got
everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning
Friendship is like peeing on
yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it
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