Short and very funny quotes and comedy joke.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.
-
George Burns
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
-
Emo Philips
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation
– and world hunger?
-
Jonathan Swift
Eternity is a
very long time, especially towards the end.
-
Woddy Allen
Hilarious Quote:
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
-
Henny Youngman
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your
side.”
–
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid:
‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
–
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as
hungry as thought I was’?”
–
Tim VineI
I
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the
bathroom.
-
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I
forget to puke.
-
Cindy from Marzahn
“EVERYBODY PANIC!”
-
Will Ferell
When I die, I want
to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and
screaming like the passengers in his car.
-
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now
it’s trying to blackmail me.”
-
Gary Delaney
One of the funniest quotes:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
-
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city.
-
George Burns
First the doctor told me
the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-
Steve
Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of
Liberty.
-
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got
everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s
mother.
-
Ken Dodd
I believe there is something out
there watching over us – unfortunately it's the government.
-
Woddy
Allen
If you don't have a “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
–
Robin Williams
"You know you're getting old when you
get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'see if you can blow this one
out.'"
-
Jerry Seinfeld
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning
“bloodsucking creatures”.
-
Robin Williams
I have
an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
-
Woddy Allen
Friendship is like peeing on
yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it
brings.
-
Robert Bloch
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Funny Quotes
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