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Funny Quotes | Comedy Jokes

The best first: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
 Funny quotes

Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”

 Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”

– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“

Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”

Tim VineI
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn

Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Bob Monkhouse

“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Ken Dodd
 “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
Robin Williams
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch
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Funny Quotes

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