Funny Quotes From Celebrities and Famous Comedians
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.
-
George Burns
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
-
Emo Philips
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation
– and world hunger?
-
Jonathan Swift
Eternity is a
very long time, especially towards the end.
-
Woddy Allen
Hilarious Quote:
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
-
Henny Youngman
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your
side.”
–
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid:
‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
–
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as
hungry as thought I was’?”
–
Tim VineI
I
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the
bathroom.
-
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I
forget to puke.
-
Cindy from Marzahn
“EVERYBODY PANIC!”
-
Will Ferell
When I die, I want
to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and
screaming like the passengers in his car.
-
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now
it’s trying to blackmail me.”
-
Gary Delaney
One of the funniest quotes:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
-
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city.
-
George Burns
First the doctor told me
the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-
Steve
Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of
Liberty.
-
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got
everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s
mother.
-
Ken Dodd
I believe there is something out
there watching over us – unfortunately it's the government.
-
Woddy
Allen
If you don't have a “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
–
Robin Williams
"You know you're getting old when you
get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'see if you can blow this one
out.'"
-
Jerry Seinfeld
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning
“bloodsucking creatures”.
-
Robin Williams
I have
an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
-
Woddy Allen
Friendship is like peeing on
yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it
brings.
-
Robert Bloch
Next Part
Funny Quotes
Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Part 4 |
Part 5 |
Part 6 |
Part 7 |
Part 8 |
Part 9 |
Part 10