The best first: 1. I’m feeling quite confident about
that job interview. The interviewer said they want somebody responsible.
- “Oh I’m totally your man,” I told her, “whatever problem came up at my
last job, they always said I was responsible!”
An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time,
she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice
little bag of peanuts.
The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few
days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of
you, I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much, have
some for yourself.”
“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old
lady, “I don’t have my teeth anymore, I couldn’t eat them even if I
wanted to. But I’m crazy mad for the yummy chocolate they always come
coated with!”
3.
A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a
powerful laxative instead of cough drops. - At the end of the week
the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “So how’s it
going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot?” - The patient,
who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “No.
I’m afraid to.”
4.
Father looks hard at a teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”
James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological
parents!”
Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological
parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in
an hour.”
5.
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk. He staggers into the
bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never
believe this!” - “What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily. -
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself
on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I
didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what!” -
Emily groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went
and peed in the fridge again!”
6.
“Dad, I got my smarts from you, didn’t I?” - “That’s right my
clever boy!” - “Yup, thought so, mom still has hers.”
7.
Peter confronts his friend at work, “Paul, did you yell at my
wife, slap my kids about and kicked my cat when you came to pick up that
folder yesterday?!” - Paul stammers, “But… but your wife said I
should make myself at home!”
8.
A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”
- “What? You want to break up? Why?” - “I’m sick of you
constantly laughing at my weight!” - “Ah darling, please, don’t be
like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down
and talk it out.”
9.
I’m really lazy in the
mornings. I mean, going out of the shower to go to the toilet and then
back in? That’s just too much time and effort. And with a bit of
patience, the water will carry the little pile away without any remains.
10.
11.
Son comes in from outside, stops just behind the house door and
yells, “Moooooooom!!!!” - His mother screams in frustration from
the first floor, “I’ve had enough of this constant hollering. If you’ve
got something to say, come and say it to me in person, don’t just yell
like that!” - The boy obediently walks through the hall, up the
stairs and into his mom’s room and says, “Look mom, I stepped in dog’s
doo doo!”
12.
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You
know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”
The other guard
sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”
13.
14.
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could
bring me what that gentleman over there is having?” - The waiter
looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it
himself.”
15.
“So, Mr. Tweedly, do you sleep by an open window, like I
recommended?” a doctor checks with his patient.
“I do, doc, just
like you told me.”
“And those coughs have disappeared now?”
“Not really, no, so far the only things to disappear were my
cellphone and notebook.”
16.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? -
The idea, “I will make it home.”
17.
A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.
“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind
that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.
“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the
ticket office!”
18.
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told
me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress
the girls?"
Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"
The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in
the front!"
19.
I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless
guy I keep seeing on my way to work. - But that stingy jerk told
me to go get my own.
20.
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up: “Doctor Ribbit,
you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down
stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor, “the last
X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not
sure it was such a great idea doctor... I have to say all that climbing
up and down the rainwater downpipe is becoming quite hard!”Next Part Funniest jokes of
all times
