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Short and Funny Jokes

Newest entry: A Japanese student: "Master Aykodo, why do Europeans think we look all the same?"
The master replied: "I'm not master Aykodo."
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Top 100 | Our Best and Funniest Jokes



  1. The teacher growls at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in your mouth?! In the trash can! Right now!”
    -
    Little Johnny, “The bubble gum too?”

    ***


  2. That bizarre moment when you pick up your car from the garage and you realize that the breaks are still not working, but they made your horn louder.

    ***


  3. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

    ***
  4.  

    I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.

    When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

    ***


  5. Dentist: "You need a crown."
    -
    Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."

    ***


  6. A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
    -
    The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

    ***


  7. Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
    -
    The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"




    ***


  8. Doctor: You're obese.

    Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

    Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

    ***


  9. “Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”
    -
    The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

    ***


  10. Famous last words


    ***


  11. What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?

    Kids don’t eat spinach.

    ***


  12. What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females?
    -
    They sure know how to break the ice.

    ***


  13. A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
    -
    Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

    ***


  14. When you put a bed in your bedroom – you have less bedroom.

    ***


  15. Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
    -
    After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

    ***


  16. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

    We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.



    ***


  17. A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
    -
    Mother replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”

    ***


  18. Two friends are talking:

    My doctor told me I must stop playing football.
    -
    What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?
    -
    Not really. But he did see me playing.

    ***


  19. “Siri, why am I still single?!”
    -
    Siri activates front camera.

    ***


  20. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
    -
    Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

    ***


  21. A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
    -
    "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
    -
    "I am not Master Ayumu."

    ***


  22. Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

    Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

    The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

    ***


  23. Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

    Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

    The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

    ***


  24. Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
    -
    Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
    -
    Patient: What condition?

    ***


  25. "OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"

    "Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"

    ***


  26. How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
    -
    The blind start reading your face.

    ***



  27. A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
    -
    The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
    -
    The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

    ***


  28. Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”
    -
    Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
    -
    Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

    ***


  29. Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
     
    I’ve lived in constant fear since.

    ***


  30. I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.

    Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

    ***


  31. On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
    -
    “Yeah!”
    -
    “Are you hurt?”
    -
    “No!”
    -
    “Not a scratch? How come?!“
    -
    “I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

    ***


  32. Two donkey Pun

    ***


  33. Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
    -
    Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

    ***


  34. Where do we get virgin wool from?
    -
    Ugly sheep.

    ***


  35. I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
     
    I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

    ***


  36. Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

    ***


  37. 99,8% people have problems with math.
    ...
    I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

    ***


  38. What is invisible and smells of worms?
    -
    A bird’s fart.

    ***


  39. A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
     
    Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

    ***


  40. It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
    -
    A pair of birds.

    ***


  41. Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

    "Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

    -
    "Go away! I'm crapping!"

    ***


  42. Employee: Can I have a raise?
    -
    Boss: Nope.
    -
    Employee: Ok, let me rephrase it. Give me a raise or I will tell my 75 co-workers that I got one.

    ***


  43. Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
     -
    Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

    ***


  44. Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at this electrician thing.

    ***


  45. What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
    -
    Just the Rottweiler.

    ***


  46.   Bad Mother

    ***


  47. A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

    The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

    ***


  48. My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

    OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

    ***


  49. Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

    ***


  50. I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.

    ***

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