2.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think
it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife
on a date.
3.
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think
you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
-
The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to
eat it himself.”
4.
I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic
marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
5.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
-
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
6.
7.
Two friends are talking:
My doctor told me I must stop playing football.
-
What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?
-
Not really. But he did see me playing.
8.
A man asks his iPhone:
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
-
Siri activates front camera.
9.
Dentist: "You need a crown."
-
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."
10.
Wife:
"OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"
Husband:
"Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"
11.
A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
-
The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
-
The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”
12.
Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
I’ve lived in constant fear since.
13.
On a mountain trip a man falls down into a
crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
-
“Yeah!”
-
“Are you hurt?”
-
“No!”
-
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
-
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”
14.
Where do we get virgin wool from?
-
Ugly
sheep.
15.
Coco Chanel once said that you should put
perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does
that burn!
16.
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
-
A pair of birds.
17.
Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through
the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush.
Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the
big bad wolf.
"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red
eyes?"
-
"Go away! I'm crapping!"
18.
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go
that far!
-
Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our
daughter!
19.
A husband and a wife are having dinner at a
nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped
some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
20.
What is the difference between a snowman and a
snow woman?
-
Snowballs.
21.
Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
-
“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”
22.
A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is
this stool taken?"
23.
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
-
It’s
quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
24.
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
-
Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same
reason.
25.
A teenager
was picking up his girlfriend. Her dad looked at him very sternly and
said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"
-
The teenager
said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"
26.
What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?
Kids don’t eat spinach.
27.
You could view the huge cross on
the cover of the Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…
28.
What do you get when you crossbreed a dog and a
white shark?
-
Trouble with the postman.
29.
A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are
laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
-
Mother
replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
30.
Can I tell you a good time travel joke?
-
[yes]
You didn't like it.
Part 2
Best Short Jokes (Top 100)
Part 1
|
Part 2
