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Short and Funny Jokes! Hilarious One Liners!

The best first: 1. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
 

  
Jokes
Top 100 Funny Jokes - Our Best:


2.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

3.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
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We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

4.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
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Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
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The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 
5.

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
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Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
6.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
7.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
8.

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.


9.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
10.

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
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The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
11.

"Can you please hold my hand?"A mother asks her son: "Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?"
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Son: "My name is Paul."
12.

Doctor: You're obese.
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Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
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Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
Donkey Joke

13.

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?
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The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."
14.

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
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Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”
Stork Joke

15.

"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."

"In the stork?"
16.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
17.

Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?
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Wife: Michael, I’m over here!
Potato Joke

18.

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
19.

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
20.

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Next Part
Funniest jokes of all times

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

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