The teacher growls at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in
your mouth?! In the trash can! Right now!”
-
Little Johnny, “The bubble gum too?”
***
That bizarre moment when you pick up your car from the garage and
you realize that the breaks are still not working, but they made
your horn louder.
***
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a
date.
I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic
marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
***
Dentist: "You need a crown."
-
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."
***
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could
bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
-
The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure
he intends to eat it himself.”
***
Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all
different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
-
The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
***
Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
***
“Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”
-
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that
now?”
***
***
What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?
Kids don’t eat spinach.
***
What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females?
-
They sure know how to break the ice.
***
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the
fairest of them all?
-
Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”
***
When you put a bed in your bedroom – you have less bedroom.
***
Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
-
After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was
mocking the other one.
***
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah?
Do you think you’ll be next?”
We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at
funerals.
***
A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my
teeth are too long!”
-
Mother replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the
whole floor again!”
***
Two friends are talking:
My doctor told me I must stop playing football.
-
What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?
-
Not really. But he did see me playing.
***
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
-
Siri activates front camera.
***
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
-
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
***
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise
man:
-
"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look
alike?"
-
"I am not Master Ayumu."
***
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you
told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would
impress the girls?"
Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"
The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in
the front!"
***
Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit
painful.”
Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”
The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an
affair with your wife.”
***
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
-
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
-
Patient: What condition?
***
"OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"
"Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"
***
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
-
The blind start reading your face.
***
A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3
kids.”
-
The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
-
The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”
***
Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t
that great?”
-
Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
-
Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my
mom you won’t mind her moving in!”
***
Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
I’ve lived in constant fear since.
***
I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while
ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.
Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.
***
On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls
after him, “Are you OK?”
-
“Yeah!”
-
“Are you hurt?”
-
“No!”
-
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
-
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”
***
***
Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit
by a bus.
-
Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.
***
Where do we get virgin wool from?
-
Ugly sheep.
***
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855
to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down
with his ship.
***
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where
you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
***
99,8% people have problems with math.
...
I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.
***
What is invisible and smells of worms?
-
A bird’s fart.
***
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My
husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he
goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best
part.“
***
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
-
A pair of birds.
***
Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood.
Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves
the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.
"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"
-
"Go away! I'm crapping!"
***
Employee: Can I have a raise?
-
Boss: Nope.
-
Employee: Ok, let me rephrase it. Give me a raise or I will tell my
75 co-workers that I got one.
***
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
-
Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
***
Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at
this electrician thing.
***
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
-
Just the Rottweiler.
***
***
A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The
woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like
a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
***
My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends,
chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.
***
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the
hiccoughs!
***
I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die.
I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30
years ago when we were little.
***
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
-
Snowballs.
***
Police: “Open the door!”
-
Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
-
Police: “What? We don’t have balls!”
-
Man: “I know.”
***
A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at
the zoo.
“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from
behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.
“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”
***
Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening
solution you prescribed me yesterday?”
Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the
bottle!”
***
“Will marry me?”
-
“No.”
-
2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.
***
I called my math teacher at 3 o’clock in the morning. He
wasn’t counting with that!“
***
***
Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
***
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
-
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8
trees.”
-
“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”
***
Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
-
“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”
***
On a first date:
Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other
more often.”
-
Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”
-
Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”
***
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I
get this intense stinging in my eye.
-
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
***
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.
***
A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"
***
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in,
talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from
Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from
Ireland?”
***
***
The inventor of Auto Correct is a stupid mass hole. He can fake
right off.
***
A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
***
Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin
peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student
exchange!”
***
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
***
***
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
-
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same
outfit.
***
Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am
coming to live with you again.
-
Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with
you."
***
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the
teabag out of the vodka bottle.
***
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you
with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
***
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
-
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
***
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef.
Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it
either.”
***
I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you
didn't like it.
***
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a
baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
***
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
***
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
-
Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
***
***
I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and
said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"
-
I said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"
***
Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
-
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
-
"What is the problem?"
-
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m
talking about!"
***
Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children.
So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address
and we will bring you one.
***
How do you know the ocean greets you? - It waves.
***
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple
down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand,
kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the
same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
***
Yesterday I learned that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man
within 15 minutes.
-
Peter (26), just lost his job at the local swimming pool.
***
***
French people struggling to say “Happiness” in public.
(Try it with a thick French accent.)
***
Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
-
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."
***
I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to
“wok my dog for me”…
***
Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
-
[No]
-
It hasn’t come out yet.
***
My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any
underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.
***
How do you rob a snowman?
-
With a hairdryer.
***
My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about now is how to win her back.
***
Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees?
Because they’re really, really good at it.
***
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.
Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its
name was "Michael".
***
I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had
“Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They
won’t be bothering me anymore.
***
What do you get when you crossbreed a dog and a white shark?
-
Trouble with the postman.
