That bizarre moment when you pick up your car from the garage and
you realize that the breaks are still not working, but they made your
horn louder.
I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a
gigantic marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Dentist: "You need a crown." - Patient: "Finally someone who
understands me"
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me
what that gentleman over there is having?” - The waiter looks at
him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”
Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look
all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?" - The wife
hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second
opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
“Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!” -
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”
Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a
man within 15 minutes. - Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the
local swimming pool.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I
just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females? -
They sure know how to break the ice.
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest
of them all? - Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”
When you put a bed in your bedroom – you have less bedroom.
Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other. -
After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was
mocking the other one.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well
Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We settled this quickly
once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Why did Mr. Hass refuse to move to France?
The French are famous
for not pronouncing the letter ‘H’.
“Siri, why am I still single?!” - Siri activates front
camera.
Funny question:
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? - Of course, a house
doesn’t jump at all.
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the
wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that
Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told
me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress
the girls?"
Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"
The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in
the front!"
Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”
Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”
The
dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your
wife.”
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. -
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? - Patient: What
condition?
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need
make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
How can you tell your acne is really starting to
get out of hand? - The blind start reading your face.
I just watched my colleague throw away a whole batch of unprocessed CVs.
I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, all those unlucky people!”
But then it dawned on me – hey, we don't need people with bad luck
in our company!
Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
I’ve lived
in constant fear since.
I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while
ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.
Problem is, I’ve
no idea what she looks like now.
On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after
him, “Are you OK?” - “Yeah!” - “Are you hurt?” - “No!”
- “Not a scratch? How come?!“ - “I’m not done falling
yet-et-et-et-et!”
Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a
bus. - Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.
Where do we get virgin wool from?
- Ugly sheep.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to
cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always
goes down with his ship.
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want
to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
99,8% people have problems with math. I’m glad I’m in the remaining
1%.
What is invisible and smells of worms? - A bird’s fart.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My
husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he
goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist:
“Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“
Funny riddle:
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it? -
A pair of birds.
Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly
she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside
and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.
"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do
you have such huge red eyes?"
- "Go away! I'm crapping!"
I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Well, that's it for my last
talent.
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! -
Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually
am at this electrician thing.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and
a Rottweiler? - Just the Rottweiler.
A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white
top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous
girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end. OK. I probably
should have finished when I got to her name.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very
grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we
were little.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? -
Snowballs.
Police: “Open the door!” - Man: “I don’t want any balls!” -
Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” - Man: “I know.”
A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.
“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind
that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.
“Shush, Jason!!!!
This is still only the ticket office!”
Mr. Smith: “Doctor,
do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed
me yesterday?”
Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
Mr. Smith:
“I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of
10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about
that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?” - “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An
alcoholic would see 8 trees.” - “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”Next Part Jokes 51-100
