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Laughing Pumpkin Jokes



  1. The teacher growls at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in your mouth?! In the trash can! Right now!”
    -
    Little Johnny, “The bubble gum too?”

    ***


  2. That bizarre moment when you pick up your car from the garage and you realize that the breaks are still not working, but they made your horn louder.

    ***


  3. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
  4.  

    I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.

    When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

    ***


  5. Dentist: "You need a crown."
    -
    Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."

    ***


  6. A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
    -
    The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

    ***


  7. Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
    -
    The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
    ***


  8. Doctor: You're obese.

    Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

    Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

    ***


  9. “Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”
    -
    The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

    ***


  10. Famous last words


    ***


  11. What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?

    Kids don’t eat spinach.

    ***


  12. What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females?
    -
    They sure know how to break the ice.

    ***


  13. A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
    -
    Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

    ***


  14. When you put a bed in your bedroom – you have less bedroom.

    ***


  15. Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
    -
    After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

    ***


  16. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

    We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

    ***


  17. A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
    -
    Mother replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”

    ***


  18. Two friends are talking:

    My doctor told me I must stop playing football.
    -
    What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?
    -
    Not really. But he did see me playing.

    ***


  19. “Siri, why am I still single?!”
    -
    Siri activates front camera.

    ***


  20. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
    -
    Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

    ***


  21. A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
    -
    "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
    -
    "I am not Master Ayumu."

    ***


  22. Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

    Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

    The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

    ***


  23. Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

    Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

    The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

    ***


  24. Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
    -
    Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
    -
    Patient: What condition?

    ***


  25. "OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"

    "Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"

    ***


  26. How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
    -
    The blind start reading your face.

    ***



  27. A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
    -
    The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
    -
    The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

    ***


  28. Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”
    -
    Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
    -
    Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

    ***


  29. Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
     
    I’ve lived in constant fear since.

    ***


  30. I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.

    Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

    ***


  31. On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
    -
    “Yeah!”
    -
    “Are you hurt?”
    -
    “No!”
    -
    “Not a scratch? How come?!“
    -
    “I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

    ***


  32. Two donkey Pun

    ***


  33. Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
    -
    Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

    ***


  34. Where do we get virgin wool from?
    -
    Ugly sheep.

    ***


  35. I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
     
    I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

    ***


  36. Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

    ***


  37. 99,8% people have problems with math.
    ...
    I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

    ***


  38. What is invisible and smells of worms?
    -
    A bird’s fart.

    ***


  39. A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
     
    Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

    ***


  40. It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
    -
    A pair of birds.

    ***


  41. Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

    "Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

    -
    "Go away! I'm crapping!"

    ***


  42. Employee: Can I have a raise?
    -
    Boss: Nope.
    -
    Employee: Ok, let me rephrase it. Give me a raise or I will tell my 75 co-workers that I got one.

    ***


  43. Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
     -
    Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

    ***


  44. Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at this electrician thing.

    ***


  45. What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
    -
    Just the Rottweiler.

    ***


  46.   Bad Mother

    ***


  47. A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

    The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

    ***


  48. My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

    OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

    ***


  49. Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

    ***


  50. I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.

    ***


  51. What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
    -
    Snowballs.

    ***


  52.  Police: “Open the door!”
    -
    Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
    -
    Police: “What? We don’t have balls!”
    -
    Man: “I know.”

    ***


  53.  A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

    “Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.

    “Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”

    ***


  54. Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” 
     
    Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
     
    Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

    ***


  55. “Will marry me?”
    -
    “No.”
    -
    2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.

    ***


  56. I called my math teacher at 3 o’clock in the morning. He wasn’t counting with that!“

    ***


  57. Bad Mother

    ***
  58.  

    Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
     
    “No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

    ***


  59.  “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
    -
    “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
    -
    “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

    ***


  60. Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
    -
    “And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

    ***


  61.   On a first date:

    Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more often.”
    -
    Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”
    -
    Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”

    ***


  62. Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
     -
    Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

    ***
  63. Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

    Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

    Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.

    ***


  64. A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"

    ***


  65. I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

    So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

    One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

    So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

    ***


  66. Gym


    ***


  67. The inventor of Auto Correct is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

    ***
  68. A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

    ***


  69. Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

    ***


  70. “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
    -
    “Oh is she an alcoholic?”
    -
    “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

    ***


  71. Wife Hilarious


    *** 


  72. Why is women’s soccer so rare?
    -
    It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

    ***


  73. Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.
    -
    Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

    ***


  74.  I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

    ***


  75. Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
     
    Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
     
    Doctor: “Every two hours.”

    *** 


  76. Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
    -
    And more importantly, where is my hamster?

    ***


  77. Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

    Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

    ***


  78. I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.

    ***


  79. So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

    ***


  80. “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

    “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

    “And smart, too!”

    ***


  81. What do politicians and diapers have in common?
    -
    Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

    ***


  82. Parrot


    ***


  83. I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"
    -
    I said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"

    ***


  84. Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
    -
    To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
    -
    "What is the problem?"
    -
    "Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

    ***


  85. Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children.

    So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

    ***


  86. How do you know the ocean greets you? -  It waves.

    ***

  87.   
    A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
     
    The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

    ***


  88. Yesterday I learned that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
    -
    Peter (26), just lost his job at the local swimming pool.

    ***


  89. Humorous Parrot


    ***


  90. French people struggling to say “Happiness” in public. (Try it with a thick French accent.)

    ***


  91. Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
    -
    Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

    ***


  92. I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…

    ***


  93. Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
    -
    [No]
    -
    It hasn’t come out yet.

    ***


  94. My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.

    ***


  95. How do you rob a snowman?
    -
    With a hairdryer.

    ***


  96. My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

    ***


  97. Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.

    ***


  98. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

    ***


  99. I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.

    ***


  100. What do you get when you crossbreed a dog and a white shark?
    -
    Trouble with the postman.

    ***

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