The best first: 1. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree,
I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring
a knife on a date.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and
have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what?
Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
3.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think
you’ll be next?” - We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing
the same to them at funerals.
4.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a
coughing syrup. - Three days later the patient comes for a check-up
and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” - The patient
replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
5.
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr.
Jeffries?" - Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in
listening."
6.
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First
the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked:
"Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer
to suck the chocolate around them."
7.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist:
“I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
8.
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final
Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.
9.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow
was gone.
10.
An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his
friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” - The friend replies
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
11.
"Can you please
hold my hand?"A mother asks her son: "Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?"
- Son: "My name is Paul."
12.
Doctor: You're obese. - Patient: For that I definitely want a second
opinion. - Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
13.
Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we
cross? - The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to
the zebra."
14.
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is
having?” - Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat
it herself.”
15.
"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from,
darling."
"In the stork?"
16.
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit
of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man
nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
17.
Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do
something to your hair? - Wife: Michael, I’m over here!
18.
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming
trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to
mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato
should go in the front.
19.
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy
a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
20.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are
always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees
and 20 parking spaces.”Next Part Funniest jokes of
all times
