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Short and Funny Jokes

Newest entry: The teacher growls at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in your mouth?! In the trash can! Right now!”
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Little Johnny, “The bubble gum too?”
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Top 100 | Our Best and Funniest Jokes

Laughing Pumpkin Jokes



  1. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

    *** More in the category "Hilarious"


  2. That bizarre moment when you pick up your car from the garage and you realize that the breaks are still not working, but they made your horn louder.

    *** See the category "Clean jokes"
  3.  

    I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.

    When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

    *** Check out our article "People who need a smile"


  4. Dentist: "You need a crown."
    -
    Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."

    *** Do you like this one? Go to the category "Clean jokes"


  5. A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
    -
    The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

    *** Find more in the category "Jokes to tell"


  6. Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
    -
    The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
    *** Discover our category "Senior Jokes"


  7. Doctor: You're obese.

    Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

    Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

    *** Check out "Black Humor"


  8. “Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”
    -
    The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

    *** Explore the category "Corny Jokes"


  9. Famous last words


    *** Find similar ones in the category "One-Liners"


  10. What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?

    Kids don’t eat spinach.

    *** You should see our category "Dad"


  11. What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females?
    -
    They sure know how to break the ice.

    *** This kind of gems can be found among our "Puns"


  12. A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
    -
    Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

    *** Perhaps you'd like to see more "Dark Humor"?


  13. When you put a bed in your bedroom – you have less bedroom.

    *** Fascinating: "Shower Thoughts"


  14. Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
    -
    After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

    *** Have a look in "Black Humor"


  15. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

    We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

    ***   Maybe you take a peek at our section "For Seniors"


  16. A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
    -
    Mother replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”

    *** We love "Dark Humor"


  17. Two friends are talking:

    My doctor told me I must stop playing football.
    -
    What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?
    -
    Not really. But he did see me playing.

    *** "Clean" doesn't mean it's not funny! Find more in this section.


  18. “Siri, why am I still single?!”
    -
    Siri activates front camera.

    *** Explore the category "Black Humor"


  19. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
    -
    Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

    *** Perfect! More in our "Kids" category


  20. A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
    -
    "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
    -
    "I am not Master Ayumu."

    *** Find more like this one in "Black Humor"


  21. Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

    Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

    The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

    *** You might want our list of "Jokes to Tell"


  22. Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

    Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

    The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

    ***   Are you married? You might enjoy the category "Marriage"!


  23. Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
    -
    Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
    -
    Patient: What condition?

    *** Have a look at the category "For Seniors"


  24. "OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"

    "Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"

    *** Try out our category "Bad"


  25. How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
    -
    The blind start reading your face.

    *** Delve into "Dark Humor"



  26. A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
    -
    The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
    -
    The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

    *** Check out the category "Marriage"


  27. Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”
    -
    Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
    -
    Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

    ***   Discover more great jokes in our "Marriage" category


  28. Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
     
    I’ve lived in constant fear since.

    *** See more in our "Clean Jokes"


  29. I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.

    Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

    *** Dig into the "Bad" category


  30. On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
    -
    “Yeah!”
    -
    “Are you hurt?”
    -
    “No!”
    -
    “Not a scratch? How come?!“
    -
    “I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

    *** You might like our "Anti-Humor" category


  31. Two donkey Pun

    *** Take a look at our "Kids" category


  32. Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
    -
    Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

    *** There's more in the category "Double meaning"!


  33. Where do we get virgin wool from?
    -
    Ugly sheep.

    *** More "Dad Jokes"?


  34. I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
     
    I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

    *** Go to "For Seniors" and laugh a bit more


  35. Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

    *** Check out the category "Good"


  36. 99,8% people have problems with math.
    ...
    I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

    *** Go to the "Bad" category and see if it's any good


  37. What is invisible and smells of worms?
    -
    A bird’s fart.

    ***   We have the best "One-Liners"


  38. A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
     
    Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

    *** If you like this one, you might enjoy our "Anti" category


  39. It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
    -
    A pair of birds.

    ***   Typical "Dad" - and there's more...


  40. Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

    "Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

    -
    "Go away! I'm crapping!"

    *** Catch some good ones in "The List"


  41. I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Well, that's it for my last talent.

    *** Care to explore more "Funny Sayings"?


  42. Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
     -
    Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

    *** Read stronger ones in "Dark Humor"


  43. Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at this electrician thing.

    *** Go through our "Puns"! You will love it.


  44. What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
    -
    Just the Rottweiler.

    *** We have more in the category "Dry"


  45.   Bad Mother

    ***   Our "Kids" section is worth a visit


  46. A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

    The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

    ***   Browse through our "Double Meaning" category!


  47. My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

    OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

    *** Our "Smile" section might make you ...


  48. Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

    *** Read more "One-Liners"


  49. I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.

    *** We have a "Cute" section


  50. What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
    -
    Snowballs.

    *** You know you laughed. Find more in our category "Puns"


  51.  Police: “Open the door!”
    -
    Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
    -
    Police: “What? We don’t have balls!”
    -
    Man: “I know.”

    *** Not for everybody: check our "Corny" section


  52.  A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

    “Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.

    “Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”

    *** "Black Humor" is not for the faint-hearted


  53. Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” 
     
    Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
     
    Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

    ***   Our list "For Seniors" is great, if a bit on the dark side. Check it out.


  54. “Will marry me?”
    -
    “No.”
    -
    2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.

    *** Find more in the "Marriage" section


  55. I called my math teacher at 3 o’clock in the morning. He wasn’t counting with that!“

    ***   Our "Double meaning" list might be perfect for you


  56. Bad Mother

    *** More "Funny Riddles"
  57.  

    Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
     
    “No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

    *** See the category "Dad"


  58.  “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
    -
    “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
    -
    “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

    *** Check out our category "Good"


  59. Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
    -
    “And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

    *** Find more in the "Hilarious" section


  60.   On a first date:

    Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more often.”
    -
    Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”
    -
    Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”

    *** Don't go to our "Redneck" section. We dare you!


  61. Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
     -
    Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

    *** You might want to visit the "Bad" list
  62. Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

    Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

    Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.

    *** You might enjoy more of our "Hilarious" ones


  63. A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"

    *** Puns are just great. Click if you agree!


  64. I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

    So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

    One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

    So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

    *** "Jokes to Tell"


  65. Gym


    *** Explore the "For Seniors" area


  66. The inventor of Auto Correct is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

    *** You might enjoy our "Geek" section.
  67. A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

    *** Discover more in the "Dry" category


  68. Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

    *** Find more in our "Kids" segment


  69. “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
    -
    “Oh is she an alcoholic?”
    -
    “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

    *** See more in our category "Marriage"


  70. Wife Hilarious


    *** Yes, we have them in our "Marriage" section


  71. Why is women’s soccer so rare?
    -
    It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

    *** More "Good" ones?


  72. Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.
    -
    Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

    *** Our "Marriage" segment tells it like it is


  73.  I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

    *** Let's see if we can make you "Smile"


  74. Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
     
    Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
     
    Doctor: “Every two hours.”

    ***   Explore our "Bad" list


  75. Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
    -
    And more importantly, where is my hamster?

    *** More "Dark Humor"?


  76. Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

    Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

    *** Click here, it will be "Hilarious"


  77. I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.

    *** You'll love our "Clean" ones


  78. So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

    *** Try our "Dad" category


  79. “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

    “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

    “And smart, too!”

    *** Find more like this in the "Corny" section


  80. What do politicians and diapers have in common?
    -
    Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

    *** There are more "Good" ones - right here


  81. Parrot


    *** Yes, we have a "Cute" section


  82. I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"
    -
    I said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"

    *** Are you a fan of "Double meanings"? Click here!


  83. Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
    -
    To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
    -
    "What is the problem?"
    -
    "Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

    *** There's more bitterness to be found in the "Marriage" category.


  84. Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children.

    So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

    *** Find similar gems in our "Bad" section


  85. How do you know the ocean greets you? -  It waves.

    *** Discover the best "Puns"!

  86.   
    A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
     
    The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

    ***   Find your match in our "Marriage" department


  87. Yesterday I learned that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
    -
    Peter (26), just lost his job at the local swimming pool.

    *** It's all about "Perspective", isn't it?


  88. Humorous Parrot


    *** Check out our "Anti" category


  89. French people struggling to say “Happiness” in public. (Try it with a thick French accent.)

    *** It may not be tasteful, but it's "Good"!


  90. Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
    -
    Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

    *** You might like our "Dark" side...


  91. I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…

    *** There are jokes so Dark, they're practically crispy


  92. Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
    -
    [No]
    -
    It hasn’t come out yet.

    *** The whole family laughs with the "Dad" section. Even if they don't.


  93. My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.

    *** Yes, there's more in the "Marriage" category


  94. How do you rob a snowman?
    -
    With a hairdryer.

    *** Click and check out the "Cute" department


  95. My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

    ***   Fun with "Double Meanings". Check it out!


  96. Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.

    *** More "Anti"? Only a click away!


  97. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

    *** Great "Funny Sayings"


  98. Why did the surgeon not like the movie?
    -
    It was the uncut version.

    ***   Don't miss out our "Dad" section!


  99. What do you get when you crossbreed a dog and a white shark?
    -
    Trouble with the postman.

    *** Find more jokes so Dry, they practically rustle


  100. I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.

    *** Don't stop here. Check out all our categories.

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