42 Pirate Jokes and Pirate Puns
Q: What happened to the pirate when his wooden leg caught fire?
A: He got burnt to the ground.
What subject are
pirates best at at school?
-
Arrrrt.
Little Johnny
meets a pirate with a wooden leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The boy asks,
“Wow Mr. Pirate, what’s the story with your leg, sir?”
The pirate
answers: “A shark bit it off.”
Johnny replies, “Cool… and what
happened with your hand?” The pirate answers, “Another pirate chopped it off
in a sword fight.”
The boys is overawed and keeps on, “And what
happened to your eye?!” The pirate replies, “Um, a seagull pooped on it.”
The boy is astonished, “Oh boy, you can lose an eye from that?!” The
pirate shrugs, “Not normally, but I’ve only had the hook for about a day
when that happened.”
How did the
pirate become a boxing champion so fast?
-
Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.
What
do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?
-
A beginner.
What does the pirate say when he steps on
a Lego?
-
Arrrrrgh!!!
It always struck me as odd that the
Pirates of the Caribbean DVD had a piracy warning…
To
err is human.
To arr is seriously pirate.
Why are pirates such eager readers of the Playboy?
-
Because of the
arrrticles.
Oh no, sir, I said pirate ship. What on Earth would possess me to call
you a pile of shit?!
How do pirates communicate with each other?
-
With an Aye phone.
What is regularly
given to the sea around 8 am, if the digestion is right?
-
The
captain’s log.
How do pirates know that they are
pirates?
-
They think so, therefore they arrr.
What is a pirate’s favorite movie?
-
Booty and the Beast. (But it is arr-rated.)
Why don’t the Chinese make very good pirates?
-
Because they’re not
very strong in the ‘Arrrr!’ department.
How did Captain Hook died?
-
Multiple stabbings. He got a bad
case of an itchy rash.
What do you get when you cross a
parrot and a shark?
-
A bird that will talk your head off.
How did Capitan Hook die?
-
He got distracted and wiped his butt with the wrong hand.
In case his ship is sunk, every pirate carries a bar of soap with him at all
times.
-
You know, to wash him ashore.
Who was the first pirate?
-
Noah, the builder of the Arrrrk.
Steve: I know a pirate with a wooden leg called Joe.
Pete: Really? I wonder what he called his hook.
What’s
the difference between a pirate and a strawberry farmer?
The pirate
buries his treasure, the farmer treasures his berries.
How do you greet a Spanish pirate guy with a rubber toe?
-
Hola
Ruberto!
Why did the pirate cross the road?
To
reach the second hand shop.
What is pirates’ favorite
choice of music?
-
aRR n’ B
Why are pirates bad at cards?
-
It’s
kind of hard to play when you’re sitting on the deck.
How
does a pirate get to the top of the building?
-
By elevataaaaarrrrrr!!!!!
Pirate pick up lines:
- Is that a wooden leg or are you that happy
to see me?
- Do you mind if I drop anchor in your lagoon?
- Care to do some
booty plundering with me?
- Surrender your booty!
What kind of a ship is most feared by pirates?
-
The Steady Relationship.
How does a pirate
declutter his ship?
-
By having a yarrrrd sale.
Why don’t you usually see a pirate that is a smoker?
-
Because they
use the patch.
A pirate has stopped his pirating and
mended his ways, but his parrot was just too bad, constantly swearing and
refusing to behave.
Finally the ex-pirate had enough of it.
When the parrot started swearing again, he stuck it in the freezer for five
minutes.
When he fished it out again, the bird was very humble and
said: “I promise I’ll be good now, John, no swearing! Just a question – what
on Earth did the turkey do?”
Why don’t pirate marriages last much?
-
Because of all the arrrrguments.
Wooden pegs and hooks
are really expensive these days.
-
They cost an arm and a leg.
What is a pirate’s
favorite letter?
P. because it would be an R, but it’s missing a
leg.
How can you tell a pirate has fallen for modern
technology?
-
It’s the iPatch that gives it away.
Bonus Pirate Jokes
Why do pirates make great lawyers?
Because they
have very good arrrrguments.
Why is it so hard for pirates
to learn to read?
-
Because they spend months and months at C.
