Kids Jokes

 


73 Jokes for Children


What is invisible and smells of worms?

A bird’s fart. 

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A guy comes to his doctor: “Doctor, please, every time I say 'Abra Kadabra,' people disappear."
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"Doctor? Doctor?!”

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Two frogs sit at the edge of a pond. Suddenly it starts raining. One of them says, “Oh heck, it's starting to rain. Let's get home before we get wet!”

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A child comes home dripping wet.
 
Mother: What on earth were you doing?!
 
Kid: We were playing dog with my friends. I was the tree.

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Mother knocks on her son’s door, “It’s late. Are you still behind your computer screen playing video games?“
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The son replies, “Of course not. I’m in front of it.”

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Feeling amused? Explore our Puns section!

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The teacher is asking the children what is their favorite instrument.
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Little Johnny replies: The school bell.

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One egg asks another egg: “Why are you so hairy?”

“’Cause I’m a kiwi.”

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Little Johnny, why on Earth did you cover your pillow with honey?!
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I wanted to have sweet dreams.

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My mom is really nice and I love her, but when she starts yelling, even the neighbors start cleaning their homes.

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Grandma asks little Fiona, “Did you have a nice play outside?”
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Fiona smiles, “Yeah, I was playing pretend and I was a lovely bird!”

“Oh that’s beautiful. Did you sing nicely?” says Grandma.
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Fiona explains, “No, I was eating worms!”

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 Two neighbors are chatting and one says, “You know, Jim, you have such a teeny, tiny dog. Why the heck do you have a sign saying ‘Beware of the dog’?”

Jim says, “Basically I don’t want anybody to stumble over him.”

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Mommy, do you know if God has to go to the toilet too?

No child. Of course not. What makes you think this way?
 
Well grandpa knocked on the bathroom door this morning and said: “Oh God! Please hurry up!” 

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Lisa ask Peter, "What are you eating? Are those apple pips?"

Peter replies, "Yes! And you know what? These are very special ones, they give you knowledge and wisdom."

Lisa asks, "Oh wow, can I have some please?"
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Peter answers, "Sure, but it’s 2.50, remember, they’re special."
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Lisa agrees, eats the pips and says, "Hey, I can’t say that I feel any special knowledge or wisdom!"
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Peter smiles, "Really? But now you know that pips are really just pips and next time, you will be wise enough not to fall for a stupid trick like this."
 

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A duck walks into a bar.

 It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?”

Bartender: “No.”

Duck: “Do you have bread?”
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Bartender: “NO!”
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Duck: “Do you…”

Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!”

Duck: “Do you have nails?”

Bartender: “NO!”

Duck: “Do you have bread?”

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Jokes With Moms and Dads

“Mummy, could you give me two dollars for this old man on the street?”
   
“Oh darling, of course, you’re so nice to think of other people. Where is he?”

“There on the corner, selling ice cream for two dollars.”

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Raphael runs to his father and starts talking to him urgently, “Dad, dad…”
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His father turns to him angrily and says, “I’ve had it with you constantly interrupting me. From now on you’ll speak only when I’ve asked you something!”
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Raphael thinks for a second and continues, “OK dad, can you please ask me if you’ve forgotten to put in the handbrake and if your car is now rolling down the road?”
 

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Mommy, do you know if God has to go to the toilet too?

No child. Of course not. What makes you think this way?
 
Well grandpa knocked on the bathroom door this morning and said: “Oh God! Please hurry up!”

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A mother is trying to bring her son to bed: “OK Ronnie, you really have to sleep now. If I hear ‘Moooom!’ one more time, there’ll be no ice cream tomorrow.”

*10 minutes later*

“Mrs. Smith? Can I get a glass of water please?”

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Mommy, my belly hurts.
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Yes darling, you didn't eat for 5 hours. Your belly must be empty. Empty bellies hurt.
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So… when empty bellies hurt, why does uncle Herbert have constant headaches?

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A ten-year-old boy comes to his mom and asks her for a snack.

“Sure thing, darling, but first, what’s the magic word?”

“Wow,” the boy shakes his head, “they really put a password on everything these days!”

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Jokes About School / Teachers / Students

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”
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“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”
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“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”
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“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”
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“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”
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“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”
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“Paulie, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.”

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Fiona asks her daddy, “Dad, can you write with your eyes closed?”
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“I believe I could, child, if I tried.”
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“Excellent, do you think you would like to try it on my school report?”

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The phone at the school secretary’s office rings.
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The secretary picks up.
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A strange voice says: “I just wanted to inform you, that my child is sick and can't come to school today.”
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“I understand. And with whom am I speaking, please?”
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“With my father.”

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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

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Teacher: "Patrick, you are an hour and a half late for school. What in the world?!"
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Student: "Sorry sir, I had to say bye to all my pets."
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Teacher: "An hour and a half?!"
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Student: "Well it is quite a big ant farm…"

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Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy?

Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later.

Dad: Why?

Tom: I borrowed it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.

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Teacher: Marvin, please go outside the door and stay there.
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Marvin: Why?
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Teacher: Because your jabbering is very disruptive and nobody wants to listen to it.
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Marvin: Then perhaps you should come along with me.

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A teacher shows Little Johnny a butterfly and asks, “Well, Johnny, what do we call this butterfly?”

Little Johnny says, “That’s a peacock butterfly.”

“Come on, Johnny, peacock butterflies aren’t green!”

“Well maybe this one isn’t ripe yet?”

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Teacher: How come you don’t have your homework?
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Pupil: I lost it when I was fighting this kid who kept saying you weren't the best teacher in the school.

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The math teacher asks: You have 2 apples in your hand and then you add another 4 apples in your hand. What do you have?
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Little Johnny replies: A very big hand.

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Father: And, how do you like going to school?
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Son: Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in between kind of ruins it!

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Teacher: Okay class, when I ask you a question, I want you all to answer me at once. How much is six times 3?
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Class: "At once!" Teacher: “I hope I won’t catch you copying from Clarissa!”
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Paula: “Oh, I hope so too!“

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Teacher: Class, this morning, we will have only half a day of school.
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Class: Yaaaaay!
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Teacher: We will enjoy the other half this afternoon!

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What begins with P, ends with E, and has a gazillion letters in it?
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The Post Office! 

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Teacher: "You got a zero in the last exam."

Roger: "I don’t think I deserve a zero!"

Teacher: "Neither do I. But I can’t go any lower than that."

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Teacher to Paul: “Wake up, Paul! You can’t sleep in class!”
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Paul to teacher: “I could actually, it’s just that you’re a bit loud.”

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Teacher cracks down on Little Johnny: “Come now, Johnny! Admit it. You had your parents help you with the homework, didn’t you?”

Little Johnny replies: “Absolutely not. They did it all by themselves!“

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What begins with a T, ends with a T and even has T inside it?
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A TeapoT.

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Teacher asks the student: “Why are you so late?!”

Student: “Well I was crossing the road and suddenly it says: 'School ahead, go slowly'!  

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Little Johnny Jokes for Kids

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
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Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
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Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

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Little Johnny sees a sign in front of an escalator: „Dogs must be carried if using the escalator!“ and thinks to himself: „Oh no, were do I get a dog now?“
 

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Little Johnny comes home from school and says, “We did a test today mom, and I only answered one question wrong.”

Mommy says, “Oh, nice, so you got a good mark, right?”

Little Johnny replies, “Not really. I didn’t answer the other questions at all.”

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Little Johnny  is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that you’re my son!”

The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him how he did in the test.

Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are you, dude?”

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 Why does Little Johnny always tiptoe past the medicine box?
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He’s afraid what would happen if he woke up the sleeping pills.

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Little Johnny asked his mom: “Mommy, where’s Grandpa?”
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Mommy replies: “Oh, my little boy. We’ve talked about this, remember? He fell down from a really steep ladder and now he’s in heaven.”

“Yeesh”, says little Johnny, “that must have been quite a bounce!”

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Jokes for Youngster

A lady walks into a shop in a mall and addresses the shop assistant, “Hi. I really need a stronger pair of glasses.”
   
“Oh yeah you do,” says the shop assistant, “this is a bakery.”

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Antonia buys 5 chocolate bars. Her friend Julie asks her for 2 of them. How many chocolate bars does Antonia end up with?
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Answer: Five. Antonia is quite a greedy girl.

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Little Kevin rides his bike and yells at his mummy, “Look mom, I can ride the bike with just one hand!”
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 He goes by the second time and yells excitedly, “Mom, mom, look no hands at all!”
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He comes the third time and proudly hollers, “Look mom, no teeth, either!”

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Three doves are sitting in a tree.
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Suddenly they spot an airplane in the distance. One nudges the other: ”Look at that! That is fast!”
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The other looks at him: “You’d be too I if your butt was on fire.“

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 "I’m still not sure whether to buy this house. It’s really nice and everything, but I heard it’s haunted."
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"Pishposh. I’ve never seen any ghosts here, and I’ve lived in the neighborhood for 500 years!"

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Two colleagues are coming back from lunch, taking a short cut through a back alley, when suddenly they’re stopped by a masked robber with a gun who demands all their money or their life.

They both get out their wallets without protests, when one of them gasps, “Jimbo, I completely forgot that I still owe you 100 dollars! There you go!”

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A bunny is hopping across the forest and sees a huge pile of poop. The bunny cautiously approaches, puts its finger in it, sniffs, licks lightly and says, “Aha! That’s dog poop. Lucky I didn’t step in it.”

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What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
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He didn't count with this...

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A bird meets a snail and asks, “Where are you going?”
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The snail says, “To the cherry tree over there.”
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The bird is surprised, “But the cherries aren’t ripe yet!”
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The snail shrugs, “Well, and I’m not there yet.”

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  What can smell without a nose?
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A fart.

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A guy is stopped by traffic police. The police officer asks him to open his trunk – and sees 2 penguins sitting inside. The officer is shocked and says to the guy, “Sir, you’ve got to takes those two to the Zoo right away!” The guy agrees and leaves.

The next day – same place, same police officer – he is stopped again. The officer again asks him to open his trunk, and to his confusion, there are the two penguins sitting again, today with swimming hats on their heads. The officer says, “I told you yesterday that you have to take them to the Zoo, didn’t I?!”

“And I did take them to the Zoo, just like you said. And today we’re going swimming.”

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Cute little bunny walks into a pharmacy and asks if they have carrot ice cream.
 
“No. This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ice cream.”
 
Bunny leaves. But it comes back the next day and again asks, “Do you have carrot ice cream?”
 
“No, Bunny! This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ice cream!“
 
Bunny leaves – but comes again the next day. And the next day, and so on, until after about two weeks, the pharmacist caves in and personally gets carrot ice cream for the next time the bunny comes.

The bunny does come, and again asks, “Do you have carrot ice cream?”

“Today, Bunny, today we do!” smiles the pharmacist.

The bunny says: “Well then don't eat it. It tastes horrible!“

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A venomous snake bites a guy.
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His friend screams, “Oh no, you’ve only got 10 minutes to live! This is a brutally venomous snake!”
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The guy says, “Ok, call the doctor and make it bite me again and again so I can gain some time!”

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Three guys are discussing which profession was the first in history.

The Mason claims, “Masons were the first. Without us, there’d be no houses.”
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The baker argues, “No, no, people ate bread before they had houses. We were the first.”
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The electrician smiles, “Wait a sec. Wasn’t the first thing God said ‘Let there be light?’”

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Two mice meet.

"Look," says one, "I've got a new boyfriend!" and shows the other mouse a picture on her mobile phone.

“Oh my God,” yells the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

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Two brothers fight over who can be on the Playstation now. After a long fight one of them suggests a solution – each gets kicked and who screams less loud gets to go on the Playstation. The other brother agrees and gets kicked very hard and screams quite loud. Then he says, “Ok, my turn.” His brother smiles, “Nah, it's ok, you can play now.”

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Two boys are walking outside and one of them finds a hundred dollar bill.
 
His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office.
 
The boy replies: “No point. This is my mom’s money.”
 
His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?”
 
“Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”

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Jokes for Clever Kids

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

 The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.

A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.

 A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.

In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.

 “Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”

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How do you make a dragon angry?
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Ask him to blow out a candle.


 

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Why does the traffic light go red sometimes?
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So would you if you had to change in the middle of a busy intersection!

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How do you start a communication with a fish?
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You drop him a line!

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Why did the teacher have to visit the eye specialist?
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She just couldn't control her pupils!

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Have I told you the joke about the roof?
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Actually, never mind, it would be way over your head!

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Why did the bird have to go to the hospital?
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He was scheduled for a tweetment.

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Why did the banana have to go see the doctor?
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It was not peeling very well.

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Would you fight a dinosaur?

No way, are you crazy?

Good choice, cause you'd get jurass kicked.