Christmas Jokes

The best first: Why does Santa carry his big sack over his shoulder?
Because carrying it between his legs would look stupid.
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Christmas Jokes

Merry Christmas Jokes for the Whole Family and Friends

Lisa thanks her grandpa, "Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!"

"Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa.

Lisa says, "Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"
9 out of 10 turkeys recommend a steak at Christmas.
At Christmas, mother says to Little Johnny, "Go on and light up the Christmas tree Johnny.“

Johnny runs off happily and comes back after a while, asking, „Should I light up the candles, too“

One turkey asks another, "Do you believe in life after Christmas?"

What was the cannibal humming in the time before Christmas?

Last Christmas, you gave me your heart...
Let’s face it. Santa clearly prefers children of rich parents.
Oh, by the way – the book I gave you for Christmas must be returned to the library next week.
Child: "So Daddy, you tell me that was YOU all the time in the Santa costume."

Dad: "Yes"

Child: "And the Tooth Fairy?"

Dad: "That was your mom."

Child: "And the Easter Bunny?"

Dad: "That was grandpa William."

Child: "And the Stork?"

Dad: "That was your uncle Sam."
I really admired how lively Grandpa danced at our Christmas party yesterday.

Um, Son, that was a stroke.
Mum, are we going to have Grandpa Joe for Christmas?
No, darling, Just the turkey.
A lady walks into a stationery shop early in December, “Hi, I’d like to buy some nice pen for my son.”

“Oh, a Christmas surprise, right?”

“Probably, yes, he’s expecting an iPhone.”
Best Christmas Jokes

Little girl wrote to Santa, asking him to give her a baby sister for Christmas.
Santa replied promptly, asking her to send her mother.
Guess what I got for Christmas!

No idea, tell me!

Well, do you see that new BMW parked down there?

OMG…REALLY! It looks so cool!

Yeah, doesn’t it? And that is the exact color of the sweat pants I got for you!
Another helicopter tried to land in our garden today. I think we’re going to have to reduce our Christmas lights a bit.
Man: Alexa, play "All I want for Christmas is you" from Mariah Carey.

Alexa calls the crisis helpline
 There will be no Christmas anymore. I told Santa that you have been good the whole year. He died of laughter.
“Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!”
Ogden Nash
The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
Dave Berry
Billy asks his friend Joe, “Why would you want two sets of trains for Christmas?!”
“Because I still want to get to play when my dad is home!”

This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas. I think this time we should let them in.

Two guys chat.

I took my mother in law to the Christmas market yesterday.

Great idea! Did you manage to sell her?
Mommy, I think I’ll make a new wish list for Christmas. I just found everything I needed in the attic.
How do we know Santa is a man?

No woman with an ounce of dignity would wear the same outfit for so many years running.
 Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.
Why does Santa use reindeer to pull his sleigh?
Because huskies can’t fly.
Christmas Puns

Christmas Puns

Why do spies rarely enjoy the Christmas holidays?
They hate giving away their presence.
What’s the price of Santa's sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.

Which type of donuts does Santa prefer?
The ones with the ho-ho-hole.
Why do Christmas trees suck at knitting?
They eventually drop all their needles.
Why would no bank ever give Santa a loan?
Because all his accounts are frozen.

Great Christmas joke

Doctor, I can’t get rid of the idea that I’m a Christmas bell, please help!
Very well, take these pills twice daily and if they don’t work, give me a ring.
When the three kings came to visit newborn Jesus, one of them slipped on the straw and twisted his ankle. “Jesus Christ!” he yelled in pain.

Mary looked questioningly at Joseph and said, “That actually sounds a lot better than Chester, doesn’t it?”
I heard some strange chatter from the spice cupboard mid-December. But it was just the Season’s greetings.
Little Johnny sits next to his father in the car.

Johnny: "Can you drive to the left?"

Dad: "OK."Johnny: "Now to the right, please. And now right again. Sorry, left! OK, not here, the next street."

Dad: "Johnny, what is all this!"

Johnny: "Well, they said on the radio that Christmas is just around the corner…"

I heard elves love to sing when they work on children’s toys. They are very good wrappers.
Christmas Dad Jokes

Christmas Dad Jokes

Why should you never mess with Santa?

Because he’s got a black belt.
What do snowmen do in their spare time?
They’re just chilling.
What does a bald guy say when you give him a comb for Christmas?
Oh thanks… I shall never part with it.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Why does Santa speak Polish?
Because he’s a NORTH-POLE.
I don't know what my wife wants. I already told her I will bring out the Christmas tree. No need to remind me every 2 or 3 month.

Christmases are always quite hard on the turkeys, but at least they don’t go hungry. In fact, they are stuffed since morning!
What do you call a Christmas elf with ear-muffs?
Whatever you like. He won’t hear you.
What is a correct name for an old snowman?
Why do storks fly south for the winter?
Because it would take forever if they walked.
What does Santa say when he enters the toy workshop near Christmas?
Alright everybody, sacking time!
I heard of a guy who shoplifted an Advent calendar. He got 24 days.
Santa Jokes

Santa Jokes

Sending letters to Santa up the chimney is definitely black mail.
It’s a good thing Santa doesn’t suffer from dyslexia. It would be inconvenient to receive a Christmas visit from Satan.
Santa is with us throughout our lives, although his presence can be categorized in four main stages:

1. You are a believer in Santa.
2. You are not a believer in Santa.
3. You pretend to be Santa.
4. You look like Santa without even trying.
Isn't it embarrassing how Santa ends up having the same wrapping paper like your mum and dad.
Santa Claus climbs down a chimney into the family living room and wow, there’s an amazing, fully naked blonde woman. She winks at him meaningfully.

Santa clutches his head, “If I do it, no way will I make it to heaven. If I don’t do it, no way will I make it back up the chimney!”
What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies? Santa’s burps.
What is invisible and does NOT smell like milk and cookies? Santa’s farts.
Santa once lost his undies. That is when the tradition of calling him Saint Knickerless started.
An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill.

Who gets to keep it?

Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
What is any parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.
Where is Santa from?
Judging by the majority of the gifts, I’d say he is from China.

How many gifts can Santa squeeze in an empty stocking?
One. It’s not empty after the first one.

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