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Best Puns | Play on words | Double meaning jokes

The best first: A patient sobs to his doctor: “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
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Doctor: “Well pull yourself together man!”
 
    
 Best puns double meaning jokes

Pun intended.

 
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Daughter: „Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?“
 
Mom: „No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
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Pharmacists: “Nope, I feel fine.”
Shower Pun
I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.
We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!”
She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!”
“I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me.”
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Mike, 48, surgeon
Two underpans meet for a beer.
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“Why are you so brown?” asks one.
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“Don’t ask. It was a really crappy week.”
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
Horse Pun
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
 
He wanted to be a pop star.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. But I think it’s just a stage he’s going through.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
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It's much nicer having some company.
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?
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Answer: Ireland’s.
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Every year it’s Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested?
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He was beating eggs every day.
Horse Pun
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
Next Part
of Best Puns

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | New Puns



 
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