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Best Puns | Play on words | Double meaning jokes

The best first: I have two very nice lamps in my living room.
We have an on-and-off relationship.
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Pun intended.

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!"
Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!
I got my girlfriend a 'Get better soon' card.

She's not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!"
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A bagel.
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?

Hop in.
Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"
Pharmacists: "Nope, I feel fine."
Shower Pun
A doctor got angry.
He lost all his patients.
Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
He quickly goes under cover.
"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me."
Mike, 48, surgeon
A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks,  examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”
The longest I've ever gone without a pun was 7 days. Pretty weak.
Two underpans meet for a beer.
"Why are you so brown?" asks one.
"Don't ask. It was a really crappy week."
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, "Un, dos..."

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
Horse Pun
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. But I think it's just a stage he's going through.
Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically.
Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well organ-ized.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
 What would you call an obese psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it's not hard, really...
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.
A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender here?”
Which country's capital is the fastest growing?
Answer: Ireland's.
Every year it's Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested?
He was beating eggs every day.
Horse Pun
Why isn't it always hotter in the stadiums after a game?
I mean, all the fans have left.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
Next Part
of Best Puns

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | New Puns

See also: Dad Jokes

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