My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
I got my girlfriend a 'Get better soon' card.
She's not ill or
anything, but she could definitely get better.
Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!"
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A
bagel.
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
Feeling amused? Explore our Puns section! Why is Peter sitting in the fridge? - “The recipe said, rest in
the fridge for 1 hour.”
Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly? - Because of Dracula’s
coffin.
I caught some vegans in my basement. - I mean, I think they're vegan.
All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?Check out our Anti-JokesVegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who
sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.
"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me." -
Mike, 48, surgeon
What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the
Pooh.
In theory, 747 shouldn’t ever crash, should it?
It should
just go ‘Boeing’.
What do you call a German entertainer? - A kraut-pleaser.
How to catch a squirrel? - Go in a forest and act nuts.
Does your wife scream when she is coming? - [yes] -
Well, my wife has a key
to the door.
I’m getting really claustrophobic in elevators. - I’ve had to start
taking steps to avoid it.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive
vowel movement.
I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve
ever seen!”
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck
of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting
room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
I wanted to tell you a pun about a leech. But I won’t – it sucks.
Two underpans meet for a beer. - "Why are you so brown?" asks
one. - "Don't ask. It was a really crappy week."
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Velcros are just a big rip-off.
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream
on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Were French fries originally made in France? - Nope, French fries have
always been made in Greece!Best Puns Part 1 |
Part 2 | Part 3
