My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
Daughter: „Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?“
Mom: „No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps,
I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the
muscles apart. Do you have something?” - Pharmacists: “Nope, I feel
fine.”
I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.
She’s not ill or
anything, but she could definitely get better.
We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a
rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I
remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!” She blushed and asked if I
really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed
by now!”
“I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me.” -
Mike, 48, surgeon
Two underpans meet for a beer. - “Why are you so brown?”
asks one. - “Don’t ask. It was a really crappy week.”If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".
I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of
cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room,
please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he
will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”
Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans
were foiled.
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in
his shows. But I think it’s just a stage he’s going through.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares. - It's much
nicer having some company.
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing? - Answer: Ireland’s. -
Every year it’s Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested? - He was beating eggs every day.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work
for a calendar company.Next Part
of Best Puns
