A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!" -
Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!
I got my girlfriend a 'Get better soon' card.
She's not ill or
anything, but she could definitely get better.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!"
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?
Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps,
I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears
the muscles apart. Do you have something?" - Pharmacists: "Nope, I
A doctor got angry.
He lost all his patients.
Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who
sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? - He quickly goes
"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me." -
Mike, 48, surgeon
A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his
chest. The doctor looks, examines and finally says, “Let me give you
some cream to put on it.”
The longest I've ever gone without a pun was 7 days. Pretty weak.
Two underpans meet for a beer. - "Why are you so brown?" asks
one. - "Don't ask. It was a really crappy week."
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".
I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting
room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he
will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, "Un,
Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop
I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in
his shows. But I think it's just a stage he's going through.
Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney
donors. I already sorted them alphabetically. - Doctor: Excellent
job. Seriously well organ-ized.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares. - It's much
nicer having some company.
You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
What would you call an obese psychic? - A four-chin teller.
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it's not hard,
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.
A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender
Which country's capital is the fastest growing? - Answer:
Every year it's Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested? - He was beating eggs every day.
Why isn't it always hotter in the stadiums after a game?
all the fans have left.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work
for a calendar company.Next Part
of Best Puns