Best Short Puns

Best first: A German goes to the toilet. The toilet is now occupied.
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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
I got my girlfriend a 'Get better soon' card.

She's not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.

Short Pun

Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!"
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A bagel.
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?

A grave mistake.
Feeling amused? Explore our Puns section!
Why is Peter sitting in the fridge?
“The recipe said, rest in the fridge for 1 hour.”
 Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly?
Because of Dracula’s coffin.
I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
Shower Pun
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
Check out our Anti-Jokes
Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.
"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me."
Mike, 48, surgeon

What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Pooh.
In theory, 747 shouldn’t ever crash, should it?
It should just go ‘Boeing’.
 What do you call a German entertainer?
A kraut-pleaser.
How to catch a squirrel?
Go in a forest and act nuts.
 Does your wife scream when she is coming?
Well, my wife has a key to the door.
I’m getting really claustrophobic in elevators.
I’ve had to start taking steps to avoid it.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.

I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
Simple Meth Pun

A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
I wanted to tell you a pun about a leech. But I won’t – it sucks.
Two underpans meet for a beer.
"Why are you so brown?" asks one.
"Don't ask. It was a really crappy week."
Horse Pun
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Velcros are just a big rip-off.

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Were French fries originally made in France?
Nope, French fries have always been made in Greece!
Best Puns Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

See also: New Puns | Dad Jokes

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