Pun intended.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
Daughter: „Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?“
Mom: „No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.
She’s not ill or
anything, but she could definitely get better.
Two underpans meet for a beer.
-
“Why are you so brown?”
asks one.
-
“Don’t ask. It was a really crappy week.”
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".
I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of
cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room,
please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he
will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”
Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is now stable.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans
were foiled.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
-
It's much
nicer having some company.
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?
Ireland’s.
-
Every year it’s Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested?
-
He was beating eggs every day.
Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side!
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work
for a calendar company.
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