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Best Puns

The best first: I have two very nice lamps in my living room.
We have an on-and-off relationship.
 
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Best Puns

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A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!"
-
Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!
I got my girlfriend a 'Get better soon' card.

She's not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?"
 
Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!"
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
 
A bagel.
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?

Hop in.
Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
 
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"
-
Pharmacists: "Nope, I feel fine."
Shower Pun
A doctor got angry.
 
He lost all his patients.
Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
 
But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
-
He quickly goes under cover.
"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me."
-
Mike, 48, surgeon
A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks,  examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”
The longest I've ever gone without a pun was 7 days. Pretty weak.
Two underpans meet for a beer.
-
"Why are you so brown?" asks one.
-
"Don't ask. It was a really crappy week."
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, "Un, dos..."

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
Horse Pun
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
 
He wanted to be a pop star.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. But I think it's just a stage he's going through.
Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically.
-
Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well organ-ized.
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
-
It's much nicer having some company.
You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
 What would you call an obese psychic?
-
A four-chin teller.
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
 
Well it's not hard, really...
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.
A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender here?”
Which country's capital is the fastest growing?
-
Answer: Ireland's.
-
Every year it's Dublin.
Why was the chef arrested?
-
He was beating eggs every day.
Horse Pun
Why isn't it always hotter in the stadiums after a game?
 
I mean, all the fans have left.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
What is red and occasionally explodes in the fruit section?
-
A pomegranate.
If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?

What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
 
“Gimme my quarter back!!!”
Care to seduce a large woman? Piece of cake.
Punny Snowmen

What do snowmen do in their spare time?
-
Just chilling.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool.
-
Ok, give him a bucket of water then.
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
-
“That will be the paper jamming again!”

What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
 
Winnie the Pooh.
In theory, 747 shouldn’t ever crash, should it?
 
It should just go ‘Boeing’.
How can you detect a detective dog?
-
He's the one with the good lead.
How to catch a squirrel?
-
Go in a forest and act nuts.
 I’m getting really claustrophobic in elevators. I’ve had to start taking steps to avoid it.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.What lies on the ocean bed and is twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.

I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.
Simple Meth Pun

Most people have 32 teeth. Some just have 8.

It’s simple meth.
Robert Crinklethumbknut, international tongue-twister champion, made headlines when he got arrested. The rumor is, he’s getting a really tough sentence.
Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women?
-
Because they like curves.
The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

Dirty bastards!
“I want to win 10 million in the lottery, just like my dad did!”

“OMG, your dad won 10 million in the lottery?!”

“No, but he always wanted to.”
What do you call somebody who keeps abandoning their diet plans?
-
A desserter.
Your shit is my daily bread.

Michael, 36, Sewage worker
Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth.
 
Derek, 53, Fireman
Where do cows like to go in their spare time?
 
In the Muuuuuuseum.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Velcros are just a big rip-off.

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Were French fries originally made in France?
-
Nope, French fries have always been made in Greece!
I know that I'm fat but I’d be really rich in Britain. There they measure their wealth in pounds.
One pen to the other: You are INKredible.
The 3 unwritten rules of business:

1.
2.
3.
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Notice on a shoe repair shop:
 
I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
A man in a butcher shop: "I would like bull testicles please."
-
Butcher: "Me too."
Corny Weather Pun

I was trying to catch some fog earlier but I mist.
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
When does a car perform at its worst?
 
When it's not tired.
Why did the octopus blush?
 
He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
Why does Peter Pan fly all the time?
-
He Neverlands.
Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?
-
There are too many bugs.
I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day.
Why is the math book so sad?
-
It's got too many problems!
Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Why was the tomato all red?
 
It saw the salad dressing.

What would you call a fish with a missing eye?

A fsh, probably.

I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck.
Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
Why don’t teddy bears ever really eat at their picnics? - Because they’re already stuffed.
I caught some vegans in my basement.
-
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?
Do you know how Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it!

A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

“Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”
How to achieve a beach body?

1. Have a body

2. Arrive at the beach.
I was kind of bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.
-
But the neighbors are threatening to call the police unless I put it down again.
Does your wife scream when she is coming?
-
No, my wife has a key to the door.
Backfiring Pun

Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?
 -
Sure, why not – if it isn’t too cold for you here?
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Well, one, but the light bulb really has to change itself.
Why didn’t the toilet paper go down the water slide like everybody else?
 
Well, he got stuck in the crack.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall?

Dam!!!
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

I wonder why there aren’t any more cemeteries around. People are really dying to get in there.
I saw an offer in a shop

“TV for $4.50 – the volume is stuck on maximum"

It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down.
Why is life in North Korea so hard?
 
Because North Korea lost its Seoul.
What were the words of a truck driver after he got a flat?
 
Darn, this is a wheely bad time.
I cannot stand insect puns.
-
They bug the heck out of me.
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
How many Mexicans are necessary to screw in a light bulb?
 
Only Juan.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door?
-
Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back.
-
I think it would be truly alarming.
There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.

The Rushians.
I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels. It just wooden work.
Loyal Arms Joke

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
Why is a skeleton a bad liar?
-
You can see right through it.
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
 
Lemonaid.
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
 
The retail store of course.
One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

What is a typical diet of a sea monster?

 Fish and ships.
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.
 
Policemen are looking into it now.
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.
Losing a wife can be truly hard. Sometimes almost impossible
.One eye winks at the other, you know, between you and me, there’s something smelling.
What should a proper lawyer wear to a court?
-
A good law suit.

I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
It’s not nice making fun of fat people.
-
They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
Can February March? No, but April May.

When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter from your window.
 
You’ll see a butterfly.
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more delighted.
Crossing DNA Pun

What happens when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
-
A: You get a frostbite.
My girlfriend bet me I’d never be able to build a car out of spaghetti. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.
Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?
 
Hundreds of soles were lost!
Why are there so few schools in the jungles of eastern Africa?
 
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why are Apple staff absolutely forbidden to fart in Apple stores?

Because there are no windows.
Why does your dog run into the corner each time the bell rings?
-
He’s a Boxer.

I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor.
-
You can call me a cereal killer now!
Why did the calf cross the road?
 
It wanted to get to the udder side.
What was Hitler’s favorite candy?
-
Nazipan.
Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.
How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill.
My friend commented that my clothes looked pretty gay. Well, said I, they did come out of the closet...
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
-
A: Just needs a little boogey!
What kind of a driver doesn’t know how to drive?

The screwdriver.
I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles because it seemed fun. Now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must've belonged to some junkie though because I've been tripping the whole day.

Three guys walk into a bar. Why? Because they’re blind.
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
I have the memory of an elephant.
-
I very clearly remember seeing an elephant once in the Chicago zoo.
Q: Why did the lights go out?
 
A: They liked each other a lot.
Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.
What did I do when I landed in Iraq by mistake?
-
Iran.
Stairs cannot be trusted. They’re always UP to something.
I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.
Cheesy Pun

This may come across as cheesy - but I think you’re grate.
I have butterflies in my stomach.
-
Paul (11), a.k.a. The Boy Who’d Eat Just About Anything
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
-
Finds the nearest skyscraper.
It sucks working from home today.

Peter (52), Fireman
The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar.
 
Things get tense.
What would you call a female magician in the desert?
-
A sandwich."
What’s the difference between a sticker, a tuna, and a piano?"

"No idea."

"You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t piano a tuna."

"Oh. And what’s with the sticker?"

"I knew you'd get stuck there."
Why did the banana have to go to the doctor?
 
It wasn't peeling too well.
Why did Billy throw his pocket watch out of the window?
-
Because he heard his parents saying that time flies.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime, no problem!
The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.
Will sell broken marionettes. No strings attached.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
 
She always ran away from the ball.
What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants?
 
Swimming trunks.
A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital. One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going. Apparently, “no change yet.”

How do monsters prefer their eggs?
-
Terrifried.
Salt meets pepper on a plate and says, “I’m feeling all scattered today.”

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