I met a microbiologist the other day.
He was much bigger than I expected. Dentist: “Oh Lord, I’ve never seen such a huge cavity
Patient: “Yeah, you don’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. It was an echo.”
If you’re ever lost in the nature, you’ll do well to
have a compass.
It will help you to be lost more north.
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of
them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed
over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls
911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all,
let's make sure he's dead."
There’s a silence, then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone
and says "OK, now what?!
A guy goes to the doctor, “Do you have something
against a persistent hiccup?”
The doctor gives him a huge slap in the face and says, “Yes. Sorry. This
is the best treatment.”
The guy holds his cheek and says, “OK, it’s actually my wife who’s got
Is this lactose free?
Yes, dammit it! It’s just water!
With or without gas?
[Sounds of struggle]
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The
barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get
a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I
swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring
it back tomorrow like everybody else.” My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was
changing the light switch. Haha, she’s in for a shock.
Two skeletons decide to take a vacation in Mexico.
On the way there, one of the skeletons gasps, “Oh no, we have to go
back! I forgot my tombstone!”
The other skeleton looks at him, “Why would you need your tombstone in
“Well,” replies the first skeleton, “and how do you plan to cross the
border without an ID?”
Woman says, “Oh John! I am so sorry... I really want
to be married before I sleep with someone.”
John nods calmly, “I totally understand that, Margaret. Just call me
when you’re married.”
Anita meets her friend Tanya after a long time and
they chat a bit, when Anita asks, “And are you still engaged to Rowley?”
“No, not for a long time,” smiles Tanya.
“Oh thank goodness for that, what a jerk that guy was! I never got the
courage to tell you, but I’m pretty certain he was cheating on you with
Greta and Louise!”
“Um…” Tanya continues, “yeah… we got married three years ago.“
A man is playing with a stray dog.
His wife says,
“Don't play with this ugly and disgusting thing!”
defends, “Come on. He isn't that ugly and disgusting.”
The wife looks at
him, “I was speaking to the dog.”
In a psychiatrist’s office:
A man comes in and says, “Good day to you. I am King Arthur. I demand to
speak with the doctor.”
The nurse says wearily, “You are not King Arthur, Mr. Crankleberry.
Please sit down.”
Mr. Crankleberry exclaims, “I am! It was God himself who told me I am
Another patient stands up angrily, “I certainly did not!”
A guy finds an old bottle and rubs it – and suddenly
a genie pops out and announces, “You have 3 wishes, speak your first.”
The guy says, “Hm, I had a very bad encounter with a lawyer last week,
that son of a goat fleeced me like a sheep. Therefore, as my first wish,
I want a world without lawyers!
My second wish is that you make me the richest man in the world. And my
The genie interrupts him, “Sorry, sayidi, but you have no more wishes
“What?!” exclaims the guy, “but you said I get 3 wishes!”
“Well,” smirks the genie, “sue me.”
Grandpa says, "I got myself a laptop. The salesperson
ensured me that it was produced in the US. But when I unpacked the
thing, I found a note saying “Built-in Webcam’!”
A woman has a date she’s very much looking forward
to. She put on her best dress, spent an hour on make-up and chose the
least comfortable but fanciest shoes she possesses. And of course spent
ages getting herself all waxed and toned and scrubbed.
She’s all ready – but her date is nowhere to be seen, although its
already time. She waits and waits – nothing.
After about an hour she’s had enough. She takes it all off, wraps
herself up in her fluffiest pyjamas and bathrobe, makes a mug of cocoa,
takes a pot of ice cream and sits grumpily in front of some comfort TV.
One hour later, the doorbell goes off – and there’s her date! He looks
at her quickly and says, “My God, Andrea, seriously? I’m 2 hours late
and you’re still not ready?!”
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18
year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly
in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until
all movement stops.
After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on
the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm
afraid we have to sleep here tonight, my parents came for a surprise
A man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog.
He asks the shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?”
“No, my dog doesn’t bite.”
The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously.
A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog
The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”
Nothing and no-one can stop me now! Oh no... a
A ship has been badly damaged in a storm and things
don’t look good.
The crew assembles on the deck and the captain shouts over the howling
wind, “Men, it’s bad. The helm is broken off, we have three huge holes,
I really don’t see this beauty making it to the shore. Is there anyone
among you who knows how to pray?”
Paul steps up and says, “I can, and I will, captain!”
“Excellent, you do that,” shouts the captain. “Now the rest of you put
on your life jackets, we were missing one.”
The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years,
it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do
something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your
horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”
The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas
dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them
quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.
She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about
one hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs: “Mary, by
Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But
with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right
You really can't trust anything these days. At a bar,
I opened a door which said Men – and all there was were a few toilets.
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on
and eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her
husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk
about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving
the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change
the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take
all her clothes off.
So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with my skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I did that, she said, “Now my bra and the panties.”
I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing
my stuff again!”
News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge
egg she laid recently. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two
pound egg, that’s unheard of!
Do you have any goals for the future?”
“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.
“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster,
“what are your goals for the future?”
The rooster replies darkly, “To beat up that darn ostrich!”
A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed
his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.
At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor
asks him: “So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot?”
The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with
wide eyes, “No. I’m afraid to.”
A student at a management school came up to a pretty
girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question
Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily
live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!
Job interview in a psychiatry:
So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with
mentally disturbed people?
I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
Very good, the job is yours. Do you know what’s cool?
An ant is walking down the road. A cow comes along
and splats him with a huge cowpat. Bam! The ant takes three hours
digging itself out from underneath all that poop. When finally does, he
shakes his fist, “Damn it, straight in the eye!”
A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me,
doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”
The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me
what you see there,” says the doctor and points.
"I see the Sun," answer the man.
The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you
want to see?!”
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning,
“You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”
Little Johnny and his father are in Ikea. Little
Johnny ask loudly: “I need to piss. I need to piss! Please!!!”
The father is embarrassed and says, “Please don’t yell piss like that.
Next time say that you want to sing.”
In the evening, mommy brings little Johnny and his sister to bed. She
kisses them both good night, when suddenly little Johnny says, “Mommy,
I’d really like to sing.
The mother says, “I’m sorry but you can’t. Your sister’s already asleep.
“But I really need to sing”, insists Johnny.
The mother sighs, “Ok, but just very quietly into my ear”.
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and
throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him
how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have
this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some
painkillers, they give me condoms!”
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying,
“Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t
say where she got them.
The doctor says to his patient at the end of a
checkup, “OK, let’s do a stress tolerance test. Nurse, the bill please.”
There are only two instances when people hate the
1) When it rings;
2) When it doesn’t ring.
I just read my horoscope for tomorrow: “Everybody
will praise you enormously, they’ll be bringing you flowers, even
carrying you on their shoulders.”
Is it just me or does it sound suspiciously like a funeral…
A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Could you
please prescribe me something against my headaches?”
“OK,” says the doctor, “take this and come back in two weeks.”
After two weeks, the lady is back and complains, “I’m sorry doctor. I’ve
been using this for the past two weeks, I followed the instructions on
the package – but nothing happened.”
The doctor is concerned, “That’s unusual Mrs Grimky, what were the
“Well, keep the lid tightly screwed on at all times.”
Two company owners are chatting over whiskey, “You
know John, I’m really impressed with your staff’s work morale. How on
Earth do you do it that they’re always on time in the mornings, many
John chuckles into his glass, “It’s simple but genius, really. I have 25
employees – so I built a parking lot with 20 spaces.”
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died
Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.
After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a
great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of
chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when
they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm
getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed
can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
A doctor tells a patient: “I’ve a good and a bad news
for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
Patient: “Oh no. The bad one, please.”
Doctor: “It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient: “And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.
Doctor grins: “There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your
shoes!” Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and
the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See?
Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for
you. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."
I read in the newspaper that they can train dogs now
to smell terminal illnesses in people. Imagine going for a walk with a
dog like that!
“What a lovely dog, he seems to like me!”
“Oh, I’m deeply sorry.”
“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that
means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious
discount on that car!”
Two blind pilots get on a plane and walk right
through the main aisle, sporting white canes and dark shades.
The passengers are mildly concerned but assume it’s all a joke.
The plane starts taxiing on the runway, picking up speed, rolling,
barreling down, still not taking off, you can already see the end of the
runway, the passengers already start panicking and screaming when the
plane suddenly lifts off and all is well.
One of the pilots says to the other, “You know what my biggest worry is?
That one day they start screaming too late and we’re all gonna die.”
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really
cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the
edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now
A man walks into a police station and announces, “My
wife’s gone missing.”
The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your
wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you
coming only now?!”
“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of
chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating
so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of
The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”
Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where
she was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have
switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned
A man dreams that he is a chicken. He walks around
the farm and is quite happy pecking on some corn.
Suddenly he feels a big pressure in his stomach. He asks the other
chickens what it could be and he is told that this is quite normal. He
just has to push and out will come an egg. So he does that. But even
though the egg is out, he still feels a strong pressure.
So he asks the other chickens and they say that he has to push some
more; that sometimes, chickens lay more than one egg. So he keeps on
pushing and laying one egg after the other.
Suddenly he feels the whole world shaking like in an earthquake. Out of
the sky comes a booming voice of his wife: “WTF! Wake up!!! You pooped
all over the bed!!!”
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a
carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,”
apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just
think it was the horse!”
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his
company for embezzlement of many millions.
At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t
worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he
didn’t have a penny anymore.
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And
then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all
that shit in their intestines?”
That awkward moment when you talk to somebody, you
feel something wet on your face but it’s not raining.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and
Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend!
We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if
you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A
middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to
bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend
doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the
house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk. He
staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up!
You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself
on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I
didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what!”
Emily groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went
and peed in the fridge again!”
“I have some bad news, Mr. Genffery, and some good
news,” a doctor says to his patient who’s just had an operation.
“Alright, I want the bad one first,” Mr. Genferry gulps bravely.
“Mr. Genferry, there were some complications and as a result, we had to
amputate your left leg.”
“My… my leg?! Well what’s the good news?”
“Can you see that absolute stunner of a nurse there by the window? She
just agreed to be my wife!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter: “I’d
like to adopt a dog. Do you have one that’s really loyal?”
The caretaker nods, “Absolutely, you should take Danny over there.”
The man is pleased, “Excellent. And you’re sure he’s really loyal?”
“Ah, you won’t find a dog more loyal than that. I placed him 5 times
these past few months and he’s always come back!”
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going
up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor, “the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs.
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor... I have to say
all that climbing up and down the rainwater downpipe is becoming quite
An Inuit has family to stay with him for a while. He
goes to pick them up from the station. When they get back to his place,
his dad asks, confused – “Amaruq – wasn’t your igloo supposed to be
Amaruq gasps, “Oh no! I must have left my iron switched on…”
Police stops a man in his car.
Police: Sir, what’s in that bottle?
Man replies: Water.
Police: [sniffs] It smells like wine!
Man: Oh no, Jesus did it again!
Paula: “Am I your dream woman?”
John: “You are much more than that…”
Paula:(giggles) “How much more?”
John: “About 40 pounds.“
Judge asks the defendant, “Why did you steal that
car, Mr. Jones?”
Mr. Jones looks down, “I just had to get to work for an important
The judge keeps asking, “Well why didn’t you take a bus?”
Mr. Jones looks up, surprised, “Don’t you need a special license to
drive the bus?”
Why didn’t the toilet paper finish crossing the road?
There was a big crack halfway through.
A pregnant woman in labor and her husband come into a
They're going through the paperwork when finally a doctor appears and
announces, “Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, I’m Dr. Kooresh and I will deliver
The husband looks at him, “You know, we think it would be better if the
baby could keep its liver.”
Where do fish go to chill?
At a sandbar.
Doctor talks to his patient at the end of a check-up,
“Mr. Tusker, you’re obese.”
“What? Obese?! I definitely want a second opinion there.”
Doctor shrugs, “Very well, you’re also quite ugly.”
It barks during the day and sleeps on the nightstand
during the night. What is it?
The mother-in-law’s set of false teeth.
My elderly aunties used to torture me at family
weddings, they’d always come and ask laughingly, “So what do you think,
Libby? Will you be next?”
They cut it out quite quickly once I started asking them the same
question at funerals.
What do you say that we play the YES/NO game?
Ha! You lost!
“I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable, I am not happy.
Take this back and exchange it for a proper one!”
“But.. Mr. Dougal, that’s your bank account statement…”
“Exchange it I said!!!”
A couple goes to a restaurant and the wife excuses
herself to go to the bathroom.
In the meantime, the waiter approaches to take their order.
The husband says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The waiter asks: “And what about your wife? Do you want a beer for her?”
Man: “You know what, that’s a fair trade. Deal!”
Hm, bringing my cat to a laser tag arena may not have
been such a smart idea.
A tourist from Texas stands under the Eiffel tower in
Paris and looks up to it with respect and awe.
“That’s a mighty awesome tower,” he says to a French guy nearby, “say,
how many barrels do you pull in a day?”
How to measure a snake?
Answer: In inches only. Have you ever seen a snake with feet?
A very fancy concert, the music is filling a
beautiful gold-lined hall, when a guy stands up in a mid-row and shouts,
“Is there a doctor here?”
The startled musicians fall a bit out of rhythm but the conductor
handles things. Nobody comes forward.
“Come on, please, is there a doctor here?” the guy continues.
The conductor and the musicians are really irritated by now, but plough
Finally a guy in the front row stands up and says, “I’m a doctor, what’s
The guy smiles at him, “Wonderful! Isn’t this a fantastic concert,
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. He nudges
his friend, ”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs, “You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit
your butt on fire.“
An international football team flies on a charter jet
to their next tournament. It’s quite a long flight and they get bored
and decide, since it’s a charter flight, that they’re going to play some
football on the plane.
After a while the captain is getting angry with all the yelling and
bumping and sends his co-pilot to go out there and shut them up.
30 seconds later the co-pilot comes back and the plane is wonderfully
“That’s awesome, how did you manage to calm them down this quickly?”
“It was no problem. I just said, ‘Listen, guys, the weather is lovely –
why don’t you play outside for a while?’”
Man, how can you come to work hungover like that?
What the heck have you been doing yesterday?
Nothing, but the doctor told me I should have a glass of wine before
going to bed.
So this is from a single glass of wine?!
No – unfortunately, I had to get up to pee multiple times in the night.
What do you call a witch that's sitting in the middle
of the desert, trembling with fear?
A chicken sandwich.
We had a party in the office yesterday. As the
evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided
to dance on the table.
I remarked, "Wow, really impressive legs!"
She blushed and asked if I really meant it.
"Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!"
Paul says to William in the gym: “Say, how do you
manage to look like this?”
Will shrugs modestly, “You know, lots of sports, vitamins, fresh food
and a lot of smiling!”
Paul: “And all that makes you this ugly?”
Boss comes up to the desk of one of his employees and
snaps, “Solitaire, Dockson?! Why the heck aren’t you working?”
Dockson apologizes, “I’m sorry boss, I didn’t hear you coming.”
Healthy eating life-hack – do you know how to turn a
white bread into a dark one?
Simply wait until the evening and then switch off the lights. Next Part
Good jokes to tell your friends