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Good Jokes

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To all those who got a book for Christmas from me: The library deadline to bring them back is tomorrow.
 Good Jokes

Jokes so good you'll be licking your fingers. Mentally. Because they're really good. The jokes. Anyway. Have fun.

“Captain, we ran out of ice cubes!”
Captain: “I have an idea. Machine room: 10 degrees starboard!”

(True story of the Titanic)
Customer Support

Dear customer support,
let me set the tone of my letter by assuring you that I’m typing it with my middle finger.

Strangers on a bus are like batteries. You can instantly tell how much energy they have left by licking them.
Funny Mistake

I always learn from the mistakes of the people who follow my advice.
A little boy, already tucked in bed, asks his daddy to please leave the light on.
“But why? Such a big boy?”
“I’m afraid of the dark, daddy…”
“Now that’s just racist, son!”
Book joke

I liked the tree better than the book.
A girlfriend and boyfriend lying in bed cuddling:

“Am I your dream woman, Jake?”
“You are much more than that…”
(Girl giggles) “How much more, Jake?”
“About 40 pounds.“

Women’s shampoo: Exclusively for curly, blonde, fragile hair.
Men’s shampoo: 4 in 1 hair, body, dishes and car wash.
One woman to the other:

Life is so short. What would you do if you sent your husband to bring potatoes up from the cellar and he’d fall down the stairs and broke his neck, just like that?

Pasta I guess.
Police stops a man in his car.
Police: Sir, what’s in that bottle?
Man replies: Water.
Police: [sniffs] It smells like wine!
Man: Oh no, Jesus did it again!
Why is the banana crooked?
So it would fit in the peel, which is also crooked…
Funny pirate joke

Maybe math teachers are pirates in disguise. They seem suspiciously interested in finding the X.
Wife shouts: "Ow!!!!"
Husband: "Did you burn yourself?"
No! Where I come from, we greet the food fresh from the oven with a traditional dance and loud singing!
(You): Do you wipe your butt with your right or your left hand?
(Victim): With my right hand.
(You): That’s disgusting. I use toilet paper.
Goodness, is it the smoke alarm beeping like that?
No, my kitchen’s trying to park backwards.
Police: Do you know why we stopped you?
Man: No, I’m as baffled as you are!
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open.
“I will be contacting my lawyer” is the adult version of “I’m telling my mom”.
Avoid eye contact?
Clearly, my shampoo has issues with anger management.
The teacher says to little Johnny: „When your father sees this report, his hair will go all grey!”
Johnny shrugs: “Nice! That will make him very happy. He’s been bald for years.“
Oh no, my hand is bleeding!

Here take my watch!

What? Why?!

Well – time heals all wounds.
A guest calls the waiter: “Please try my soup.”
Waiter: “What’s the problem? Too salty?”
Guest: “No. Just try my soup.”
Waiter: “What then, is it too cold?”
Guest: “No. Please try my soup.”
Waiter: “Is it too hot?”
Guest: “No it isn’t. Can you just please try my soup already?”
Waiter: “But there’s no spoon.”
Guest: “Finally!”
Life Quote

The blurry border around the display you call real life.
Paul says to William in the gym: “Say, how do you manage to look like this?”
Will shrugs modestly, “You know, lots of sports, vitamins, fresh food and a lot of smiling!”

Paul: “And all that makes you this ugly?”
“Mommy, they told me at school that I have gigantic feet.”
“Let’s talk about this later. Now put your shoes in the garage and wash your hands, dinner is ready.”
I quite like the hurricane season. I can just put anything I don’t need anymore out on the balcony.
Husband: “Do you want some fries, honey?”
Wife: “No, they just make me fat.”
*** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly. ***
Life Quote

Theory of relativity explained:
The relative length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are.
In the car repair shop:

Customer: “Can you save my car?”

Repair man: “I believe we could, by screwing a new car in between the license plates.”
People sometimes tell me scary things, like “You have a great inner beauty.”
I’m just thinking: “Stay away from my kidneys.”
A couple goes to a restaurant and the wife excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
In the meantime, the waiter approaches to take their order.
The husband says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The waiter asks: “And what about your wife? Do you want a beer for her?”
Man: “You know what, that’s a fair trade. Deal!”
Life Quote

If somebody is looking for me, I went too far.
The ant in the kitchen is looking for something edible. I’ve been following it hopefully for the last hour.
Son comes home and yells: “Moooooooom!!!!”
Mother shouts from the first floor: “If you want something, come up and tell me properly. I’m sick of your hollering.”
Son goes up and says: “Look, I stepped in dog poop.”
Intelligent people are full of doubt (I think).
A cow goes to meet her friends at a café but when she arrives, she sees them all hopping up and down.
“What on earth are you doing?” she asks.
“Just making some whipped cream for the cake!”
“OMG what happened to his face? It’s all swollen!”
“He ate chocolate.”
“Is he allergic?”
“No, but it was my chocolate.”
This is how real men communicate:

Jerks head upwards: “Hi!”
Jerks head downwards: “Thanks!”
Jerks head to the right: “Look over there!”
Jerks head to the left: “Let’s talk briefly.“
That moment when you just want to bite off the little bit of skin around your fingernail and end up skinning half your hand.
Little Johnny drives with his uncle in his new Mercedes. He asks him, “Uncle Bob, what is that star at the front for?”
Uncle Bob chuckles patronizingly, “It helps me run over old people.” He prolongs the joke by swerving a hair’s width away from an old man on a bike and pretends to be angry he missed him.
Little Johnny says, “You know, uncle Bob, I think your star isn’t working properly. If I didn’t open the door in the last second, we would have totally missed him.”
What doesn’t kill you – will try again.
I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever, wherever, and know the bastards deserved it.
I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I mean, where else would I get 40%?!
Hedgehogs – the most practical pets. Whenever you need to vacuum or mop, just pin them to the wall and they’re out of the way.
They forbid tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if you manage to hijack an airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you probably deserve that airplane.
Air transportation is the most reliable means of travel ever invented. It hasn't happened yet that an airplane wouldn't make it back to the ground.
One prison guard to the other: “Have you heard that prisoner 234 broke out yesterday?!”

The other guard: “Thank goodness. Finally the hammering racket stops.”
A keychain is a device which enables you to lose all keys at once.
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run the swing gets free.
Funny saying

Don't you look at me in that tone!
Here’s a cup full of the hoots I give: \_/
Ooooh no, look, it’s empty!
The worst thing about parallel parking are the eyewitnesses.
 Question: How to measure a snake?
Answer: In inches only. Have you ever seen a snake with feet?
One way to get rid of the Jihadi problem, and fast, would be to persuade the Chinese black market that Jihadist testicles are a super powerful aphrodisiac.
Q: What brings a lion to the hospital?
A: A CAT scan.
My husband has been in a strange mood lately. When I questioned him, he said perhaps we should take a break, that we're missing a spark. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again once he's come to.
You really can't trust anything these days. At a bar, I opened a door which said Men – and all there was were a few toilets.
Next time you get a call from an unknown caller, pick it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere." and hang up.

I’m never stressed. I just have times when it’s not the best moment to hand me a chain saw.
Have you seen those weird clowns that hide away from ugly people? No, sorry, of course you haven’t.
When I was a kid my parents used to forbid me to even go near the cupboard with all the cleaning bottles. I’m proud to say it works until today.
If the guy on the ATM in front of me takes even longer, I’m going to ask him what level he’s on now.

“Darling, I have headache. Do you have something against it?”
“Not really, I don’t mind you having headache.”
A man picks up his mother in law from the train station.

As they drive off, he asks her: “And how long are you going to stay?”

She replies: “As long as you want me to!”

“What,” asks the man, “so short?”
The internet never forgets.

The internet must be female.
“You slept with my wife you pig. You will pay for this.”
“Excuse me, no way am I going to pay twice.”
“D’you want a beer, Suze?”

“I’m pregnant!”

“Oh, sorry! D’you want two beers?”
Do you like nature?
Yes of course I do, why are you asking?
Well after what it did to you…
He: “When I see a stupid face I have to laugh.”
She: “Doesn’t that make shaving yourself kind of difficult?”
I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.
Guest to a waiter: “I’m actually quite sorry we haven’t discovered your restaurant earlier.”
Waiter: “Oh, that’s nice. So you liked it here?”
Guest: “No. But earlier, that meat might have still been OK.”
My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.
Son: Mom, my new girlfriend is coming over today.
Mother: Then kindly put new sheets on your bed.
Son: Why?
Mother: I don’t want her getting pregnant just by sitting down on it.
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