Funny One-Liners

The best first: What to call a bear who’s lost all its teeth?

A gummy bear!
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We have 130+ hilarious one-liners

What do you call it when a 4'9’’ woman dates a 6'5’’ man?
A long-distance relationship.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
A depresso.

I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
An elderly man goes to the doctor, "It hurts to stand up in the morning."
The doctor shrugs, "Then don't stand up in the morning."
Question on Facebook: “What do you do with the white ball once you drank the mozzarella?”
My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says “WOW!”
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
"Tourists are our bread and butter."
- Kaupa, Chief of a cannibal tribe
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”
Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
I enjoy being a politician. People throw all kinds of food at you.
Black humor is like a pair of healthy kidneys. Not everyone has it.
A cannibal came home late to family dinner. He got the cold shoulder.
It’s cleaning day today. I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
What is pointless?
To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
What is white and flies up?
A retarded snowflake
Why do bees hum?
They don't remember the text!
I heard women love a man in uniform. Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.
Why do Londoners say "Bri'ish" instead of "British”?
Because they swallowed the tea.
Are the birds singing in the morning because they don't have to go to work?

Doctors: You should consider the wellbeing of your body.
Body: I want chips, beer, and laying on the sofa.
What happens to mountains when they touch each other?
Answer: Nothing.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
What can you share and yet keep at the same time?
An STD for example.
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Google request:

How to disable autocorrect in wife?
Man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists. The police has 3756 photos of him.
Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.
Math book. The only place where it’s normal to have 21 melons and suddenly eat twelve of them.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.
It’s hard, being a cop in Alaska. You have to ask things like “What were you doing on the night from 15th December till 15th January?”
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.
Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos approximately three years later.
Mom! I’m a 3d printer!
Oh come on, Tommy, close the door when you poop.
Does your horse smoke?
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
Barkeep: I’m sorry, we never serve time travelers.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
How many men were born in 2017?
None. Only babies were born.
Why are you smiling?

Well I just made a test and I'm not pregnant.

That's wonderful, Harold!
What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!
Good Ex Pun

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.
What is Jesus' favorite food?
What is written on a dentist’s grave?
He’s filling his last cavity.
Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?
He had it on airplane mode.
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“
What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A smoothie maker.
What swims and starts with a T?
Two ducks.
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