Really Funny One-Liners
Read those really good short jokes and find yourself laughing like a
What do you call it when a 4'9’’ woman dates a 6'5’’
A long-distance relationship.
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and
realize you ran out of coffee?
I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
An elderly man goes to the doctor, "It hurts to stand
up in the morning."
The doctor shrugs, "Then don't stand up in the morning."
Question on Facebook: “What do you do with the white
ball once you drank the mozzarella?”
My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I
ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says “WOW!”
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when
they have the hiccoughs!
"Tourists are our bread and butter."
- Kaupa, Chief of a cannibal tribe
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake!
Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d
have $ 6.30 now.
I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you
stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”
Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
I enjoy being a politician. People throw all kinds of
food at you.
Black humor is like a pair of healthy kidneys. Not
everyone has it.
A cannibal came home late to family dinner. He got
the cold shoulder.
It’s cleaning day today. I’ve
already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
What is pointless?
To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
What is white and flies up?
A retarded snowflake
Why do bees hum?
They don't remember the text!
I heard women love a man in uniform. Can’t wait to
start working at McDonalds.
Why do Londoners say "Bri'ish" instead of "British”?
Because they swallowed the tea.
Are the birds singing in the morning because they
don't have to go to work?
Doctors: You should consider the wellbeing of your
Body: I want chips, beer, and laying on the sofa.
What happens to mountains when they touch each other?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
What can you share and yet keep at the same time?
An STD for example.
How to disable autocorrect in wife?
Man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese
tourists. The police has 3756 photos of him.
Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they
could crack up.
Math book. The only place where it’s normal to have
21 melons and suddenly eat twelve of them.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's
A slow swimmer.
It’s hard, being a cop in Alaska. You have to ask
things like “What were you doing on the night from 15th December till
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory
problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.
Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful
experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos
approximately three years later.
Mom! I’m a 3d printer!
Oh come on, Tommy, close the door when you poop.
Does your horse smoke?
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
Barkeep: I’m sorry, we never serve time travelers.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
How many men were born in 2017?
None. Only babies were born.
Why are you smiling?
Well I just made a test and I'm not pregnant.
That's wonderful, Harold!
What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is
way too much by any standard.
What is Jesus' favorite food?
What is written on a dentist’s grave?
He’s filling his last cavity.
Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone
is fine, no damage. How come?
He had it on airplane mode.
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have
to cross the road,” says one.
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an
What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A smoothie maker.
What swims and starts with a T?
Best One Liners
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