Fifty of the very best Thanksgiving jokes plus bonus jokes. Have a
joyfull laugh at Thanksgiving with your friends and family.
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light
conversation about all things family.
“I just can’t stand my
mother-in-law,” sighs one.
“That’s quite understandable,” nods the
other one, “why don’t you just have the potatoes with the gravy?”
What’s the universal key to a lovely Thanksgiving?
There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
Even if it’s just not being a turkey.
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who
ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one
problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones
in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain.
“One day, you’ll spill your guts out, you mark my words!” was the lady’s
frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the
turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey’s guts and went
to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man’s
covers. “That’ll teach him!” she thought with satisfaction and went back to
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite
shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her
husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger
“You were right about the farting, Ida,” he panted, “I’m
ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord
and these two fingers, all is right again!”
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze.
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his
second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The
farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults. Roast me!”
If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be
celebrated for the most?
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
“The meal isn’t over when I’m full, the meal is over when I hate
myself.” – Louis C.K.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can
catch the darned critter.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your
head because the oven exploded?
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so
pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
family dog’s nose.
Brilliant geek joke:
What is the easiest recipe for a
Simply divide the pumpkin’s circumference by its
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited
everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then
I killed them and took their land.” Jon Stewart
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the
country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” Stephen
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time
to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom
is an obstetrician.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because
he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What did the pilgrim do when he bit into a bad piece of corn?
He made a pilgrimace.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pilgrim Reaper.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
You think you’re crazy about Thanksgiving?
nothing on the turkeys. When Thanksgiving approaches, they literally lose
Can you tell the difference between a female and a male turkey?
The male is the one with the TV remote.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships
together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write
favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pilgrammar nazi.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Lots of stuffing.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
killed and then cran-bury it!!!!
How many turkeys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well if I knew the answer, I wouldn’t be asking you, would I?
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
What did the little corn say to momcorn?
When will popcorn come?
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
“I love Thanksgiving turkey … it’s the only time in Los Angeles
that you see natural breasts.”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make
They turn into blueberries.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend
to toss one at you.
BONUS THANKSGIVING JOKES
Why isn’t it a good idea
to do bad things (e.g. pick your nose when you think no-one’s looking) at
Because the potatoes are keeping their eyes
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
“Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, ‘Well, this has been fun, but we know
you have a long voyage back to England.’” – Jay Leno
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going,
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track
them when I know where they are?” – Kenny Rogerson
Turkey fun facts:
- Turkey quite possibly didn’t feature on the first
Thanksgiving menu. The records point more towards a duck or a goose.
- Turkeys can get a heart attack. This was discovered when the US Air Force
were testing breaking the sound barrier and the huge boom ended up with a
field of turkeys dead from fright.
- Black Friday is the busiest day of
the year for plumbers. Guess why.
- Benjamin Franklin wanted turkey to
become US national animal. He thought the eagle had a “bad moral character”.
- Because of the very harsh conditions during that first year of 1621, many
historians believe that only 5 Pilgrim women (out of the 50 Pilgrims in
total) were present at the Thanksgiving feast
– that’s probably how
many have survived.
- A wild turkey, when scared, can run 20 mph (32
- After a stroll on the Moon, the first meal Neil Armstrong and
Buzz Aldrin enjoyed was roast turkey (in a foil packet, but still).
What did the turkey say to the lady who visited the farmer in November?
“I heard Target is having a special chicken sale!”
What did the turkey say in the sauna?
“Hmmm, what is that lovely
What do you call a turkey that’s got no feathers?
What is the theory of relativity?
Take Thanksgiving for example. The
turkey gets stuffed, you get stuffed, but you’re relatively better off.
How do you make the richest soup ever?
Cook it with 24 carrots
What are turkeys thankful for at Thanksgiving?
How Do You Know You Went Too Far This Thanksgiving:
have grease stains on your butt – but you never sat down.
post-dinner moans brought Dr. Kevorkian’s van to your door.
kind of suspect the amount of potatoes you used might have started a brand
new potato famine, this time in Idaho.
- You ask your wife if you
have the Jaws of Life at home when you need to get off the couch.
You went for a blood test the week after and the only thing the nurse could
draw from your arm was slightly darker gravy.
- The steering wheel is starting to get uncomfortably personal.
The dog eyes you with new respect.
- While you were taking a nap
after food, somebody quietly put a large plastic sheet under you, and a few
dozen sandbags around you.
What do you call somebody who’s absolutely into Thanksgiving
Yo mama so fat, you invite her over for Thanksgiving dinner and tell her
you’re eating a whole turkey, and she brings her passport.
Geek section: “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain
religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and
gratitude.” – Ambrose Bierce
“Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus.”
– Melanie White
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each
relative goes home.” – Melanie White