These jokes really tickled our fancy - and our funny bone!
Enjoy our selection of the quirky, the weird and the great alike and
laugh as loud as you wish - we won't judge!
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a
funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops
mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in
His opponent comments: "That must be the most
touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man,
recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.
Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.
Getting fat wasn’t my intention. It was a pure and clear snaccident.
How do you tell you’ve had two dinosaurs in the fridge?
footprints in the butter.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer
before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying,
"Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets
it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you
gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
Do unzipped files get embarrassed? Today I brought a pizza with me on the bus. The driver said: “Hey that
is not a restaurant here.”
I said: “I know, that’s why I brought
my own food.”Who’s there?
The love of your
Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!
What do you call an alligator who knows his way around? - A
navigator.Why does a woodpecker have a beak?
as not to smash his head against the tree. Knock
Mustache you a question – but maybe I’ll shave it for later.
we call an American bee? - A USB.How did Moses
cut the sea in half? - With a seasaw. The nurse
is registering a new patient, “When is your birthday?”
patient replies, “October 22.”
The nurse asks, “What year?”
The patient shrugs, “Every year!” Why did the
mathematician want to take his life? - He couldn't figure out his
function. When do you stop at green and go full
speed at red? - When you're enjoying a watermelon!
You’ll never believe whom I saw yesterday!
Everybody I laid my eyes on! Guy tries to chat up a
girl at a party:
Guy: "So, baby, what would it take for you to
let me kiss you?" - Woman: "Knockout Drops."
Keeeenya feeel the loooove tonight? A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman
replies, "Yes, that is correct." - The suspicious detective
continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" -
"The old fool used an elastic rope!"A couple is
walking through the streets of Paris. It starts to rain heavily.
He: "Here, take my backpack, darling, and hold it above your head.”
- She: “But what about you, my love?! I don't want you to get wet!”
- He: "Ah, don't worry, petal. I have an umbrella."
Knock Knock. - Who’s there? - I warned
you. - I warned you who? - Arrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful
listener, great looking... I gave him my number and winked at him to
call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to
worry the poor guy is homeless.
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
Is Google a he or a she?
A she, no doubt,
because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other
ideas.Knock, knock. - Who’s there? -
Death. - Death who? - Oh come on! You know! The dark reaper?
Open up. Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
the Dead Sea. Knock, knock. - Who’s there? - Kanga. -
Kango who? - No. Kangaroo. Ironing board.
A surf board which gave up on
its dreams and went to work. “Waiter, my coffee mug is
damaged.” - “Yes sir, our coffee cannot hide how strong it is.”
My grandma gave me this great advice, “An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.” She was right! You just have to really work on
your aim. Women: “Communication is the most important
thing in a relationship.” - 2 million hours – The average time
men spend trying to find out why their darling is angry with them.
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any
reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.” If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you. “Have you got anything to drink?”
“I meant something harder?”
mother urged me to attend a cooking class. She said: “A man should know
how to cook. It impresses the girls.”
After a few lessons, a
very beautiful girl started chatting to me. One thing led to another –
aaand we are very good friends now.Outer Mongolia.
One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight.
Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.” Two
grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café. They’re having a nice
chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you
seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Esme is surprised
and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and
sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”
Condoms. By humans, for humans, on humans, in humans – against more
humans. Knock, knock. - Who’s there? - Ben
- Ben who? - Ben abducted by aliens and now I’m back. Knock knock.
Interrupting sloth who?
(20 seconds silent
break) SLOOOOOOTTTTHHHH!!!! What is the most dangerous sports in the
world? - Being the goalie in soccer. The
other team just keeps shooting at you. At the
restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?” - The
customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”
The boss stops an employee one morning, “Hastings, do
you smell of cheap liquor?!” -
“You can bet that on this salary, it ain’t no Champagne.”
A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.
A doctor stops him and asks:
“Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!” -
The patient breathes heavily: “I was about to be operated on, doctor.
And then the nurse said: ‘Come now, stop panicking. You’ll manage just
fine!’” - The doctor shrugs: “Oh but that’s nice, no? Nurse being
supportive to you?” - TThe patient gets angry: “She was talking to
the surgeon!” Life hack if you are bored: Ring at 5
a.m. at your neighbors’ and ask them if they also need to wake up so
early. You will have some fun interactions. My date
last night was really awesome.
We had a definite spark and pretty
soon he was basically lying at my feet.
I love my new taser.
I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go
for a walk.
Then a crow flew past my window. Backwards. Two hunters are
comparing their stories. One says, “I once shot a wild boar so big they
had to come get it with a tractor!”
The other scoffs, “Ha, I once
shot a bird so big, 357 people got out of it when it hit the ground.”
who thinks you should fix your darn doorbell! In a shoe shop:
These shoes might be tight
for the next two weeks. - Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on
the third week. It's 60 Yeses to 61 Nos against my
child. I think I will win this! Patient to surgeon:
“I'm worried that the operation will be too expensive.”
Surgeon: “Well, looking at
your chances of recovery, I’m guessing that’s anyway rather a problem
for the bereaved.”The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen
asks: “Eat here or take away?” - The prisoner frowns: “Not funny,
Marlon! Not funny at all!!” Knock knock.
You see me, do you need
glasses or something?Knock, knock!
I’m here to fix your doorbell. Pick up line: Hey girl, I
overheard you saying that you’re on the lookout for some STUD! Well I’ve
got STD, so all that’s missing now is U…I was looking
for some books on paranoia in the library. When I asked, the librarian
said very quietly, “Yes. They are behind you.” What
is it: “Three in the office but only one works” - Two state
clerks and a running ventilator. What do lawyers usually wear when they go to court? - Lawsuits!
What is the difference between
an avocado and a chicken?
They're both green, except for the
A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say
I’m pretty or ugly?” - “A bit of both, actually,” replies the
teenager. - “How do you mean that?” asks the mother. - “I’d
say you’re pretty ugly.” A guy leans closer to his
wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her. - “Sure I can,” says the wife,
becoming curious. - “That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can
I.” Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold
front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow,
or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.” How can you open a banana? - With a
monkey! Where do fish sleep? - In the RiverBed.What
does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? - He quickly goes
under cover.A doctor got angry.
He lost all
his patients.A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a
strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks, examines and
finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”
How come the barber won the race? - The cheater took a short cut.Why is soccer so dangerous? - Because of
the constant shootings. How can you detect a detective
dog? - He's the one with the good lead.Knock, knock.
Justin the neighborhood,
mind if I come in for a chat? What lies on the
ocean bed and is twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.I’ve just been to the
drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon
goes very well with fish. Mom at a dentist:
“Now please darling, open up nicely for the doctor so he can take his
hand out!” Andy has 150 candy bars. He
eats 125. What does Andy have now?
Andy has diabetes now.
I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may
not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch
one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most
desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
Robert Crinklethumbknut, international tongue-twister champion, made
headlines when he got arrested. The rumor is, he’s getting a really
tough sentence.What do you call a totally unimportant elephant? -
An Irrelephant.Father on his death bed: “Son, I would
like to see my wife for the last time. Please bring her to my bed.” -
The son goes and comes back in 5 minutes, "Sorry dad, mom says she’s
busy preparing for the funeral service."Why do
mathematicians tend to marry larger women? - Because they like
says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she
wrote it in her diary. Doctor: “You got poisoned.”
- Patient: “Oh no, will I live?!” - Doctor: “Let’s wait 10
minutes, then we’ll know.” The hipster from next door drowned. He went ice skating before it was
cool.Where do cows like to go in their spare time?
In the Muuuuuuseum.I know that I'm fat but I’d be really rich
in Britain. There they measure their wealth in pounds.A smoothie. The miracle
of selling somebody a peach and a banana for $5. I
fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last
night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
Irish you a nice day. The urologist is about to leave his office and says:
"Ok, let's piss off now." Why did the balloon go near
He wanted to be a pop star.I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to
cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain
always goes down with his ship.
ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a
suppository in your ear!”
“It looks like
you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat,
well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”Knock knock.
all this knocking bother you already?
consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They
will be sentenced next Friday. Knock knock.
I can come in.
Jess cut the talking and let me in.
What is red and occasionally explodes in the fruit
section? - A pomegranate.Do you
know how to make a dumb person curious?” - “No, how?” -
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.” 99,8%
people have problems with math. ... I’m glad I’m in the remaining
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant.
But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up
your entire night is something quite different. Are
you feeling all alone? - Put on a good horror movie and switch
off all the lights. That alone feeling will soon go away.
I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.Honey, somebody vomited in my favorite mug. - Come on! I made
lentil soup for you!
Shocking you! I’d love to know how the Earth
rotates. It would totally make my day.Knock knock.
You know, it may be time to get tested for Alzheimer’s, mate.
Notice on a shoe repair shop:
I’ll heel you,
I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.I
don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Why is the math book so sad? - It's got too many problems!Knock knock.
Figs the stupid bell finally, will you?
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You
planet.My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what
to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and
got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she
comes back again from work.
What would you call a fish with a missing eye?
A fsh, probably.
Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.
Husband: “Do you want some fries, honey?” - Wife: “No, they just make
me fat.” - *** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly.
Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin
peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”
What were the words of a truck driver after he got a flat?
this is a wheely bad time.
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.Important note from a car manual:
Backing rapidly at a tree
significantly reduces your trunk space. My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends,
chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should
have finished when I got to her name.
Why didn’t the ghost cross the road?
It had no body to go with.What five-letter-word starts with a “P” and ends with and “s”? -
Pants. You pig.
What’s the difference between a running and a flying mouse?
flying one has a hawk attached to its back.
Breaking news: Yesterday morning, terrorists occupied the strategically
placed Jameson whiskey distillery in Dublin. They still haven’t been able to
formulate their demands.
What does it mean when there’s a black flag hanging out on a company
They’re advertising an unexpected vacancy.
difference between a mirage and a Tinder date? - One is an optical
illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would
hit you right back. - I think it would be truly alarming. I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels.
It just wooden work.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door?
- Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds,
shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters
closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Prove to me it wasn’t a
goose!Some people see “Buy two beers, get three!” I see “Buy eight beers, get
Father is giving his son some life advice.
Father: “If you want
to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”
“And what does that mean?”
Father: “You must fulfill everything
Son: “And cautious?”
Father: “Never make
Which flower is the most talkative? - Tulips, of course, they
can’t keep those lips shut!Why is a skeleton a bad liar? - You can see right through it.
One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can
barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the
guts. What sign has probably never been made in Braille?
“Danger, do not
What do you get on the ocean surface in really gentle wind?
Harry up, it’s really cold outside! A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the
pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only
have 3 parachutes between them.
The president cries: “I’m the
president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.
smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!”
and he jumps out.
The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last
parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”
smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest
man took my backpack.”
One eye winks at the other, you know, between you and me, there’s
something smelling.What should a proper lawyer wear to
a court? - A good law suit. A farmer needs to
know how many sheep he has in his field. He calls his German Shepherd
dog to count them for him. The dog runs off, counts the sheep and
returns to the farmer.
"How many?" asks the farmer. "40,"
replies the dog. The farmer is startled and says, "What do you mean, 40
- I only bought 37!" The dog shrugs, "I rounded them up."I forgot to turn
off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader
cookies. A bit on the dark side. Knock knock.
Alexplain everything once you’ve opened the door.
Losing a wife can be truly hard. Sometimes almost impossible.
Lilly bursts into the house from the garden and tells her mom out of
breath: “Mom, mom, I accidentally knocked over the big ladder that was
leaning against the tree!”
Mother says, “Well go get daddy, he’ll
help you put it back.”
Lilly hops on the spot, “But I can’t, he’s
still holding on to the branch!”Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more delighted.
What is a typical diet of a sea monster?
Fish and ships.Knock knock.
Stopwatcha doin’ and open the stupid door. Why does a French airport strike always have to last a few days?
So that people can distinguish between a strike and a regular delay.
What can you give away at Christmas and yet still keep? -
Measles, for instance.A good sign for a toy shop at
Christmas: We speak ho-ho-ho here!What do you call a deeply religious cow that just performed a miracle?
HOLY COW!!!! How do monsters prefer their eggs?
When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter
from your window.
You’ll see a butterfly.
Where does Santa send the elves‘ wages?
To the snow bank.
How do reindeer amuse themselves during the long year? - They
play stable-tennis.How do you make a tissue dance? - Just needs a little
boogey!Three guys walk into a bar. Why? Because
they’re blind. Don’t get me wrong, I like humor and
jokes like everybody else. But when it comes to air conditioning jokes –
just not a fan Why did the airplane disappear from the
airport? - It had terminal illness. What kind of a driver doesn’t know how
The screwdriver.Who said grapes are
soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of
wine.I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking
experience. What does a blanket say when it falls off the bed?
- Oh sheet! I have butterflies in my stomach. - Paul (11),
a.k.a. The Boy Who’d Eat Just About Anything
“Esrowneve” may look like gibberish, but when you put it backwards, it’s
even worse…I thought tables couldn’t bleed. -
Then I was introduced to the periodic table. What did
one coffin say to his friend in the darkness of the tomb? - Hey,
dude, is that you coffin? I’m looking for some good
fish jokes. - If you know any, let minnow. The
most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
- Finds the nearest skyscraper.The future, the
present, and the past walk into a shady bar.
Things get tense. What’s the difference between a sticker, a tuna, and a
"You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t
piano a tuna."
"Oh. And what’s with the sticker?"
you'd get stuck there."I bought some gloves today,
they’re really warm and snuggly, but unfortunately they’re both left.
So, on one hand, that’s awesome, but then again on the other hand, it’s
really not right… A plane crashed down with
200 people on board. Every single person died, yet there were a 100
survivors. How is that possible? - All the married ones
lived. I’d tell you a really good joke about clouds.
But I’m afraid it’s way over your head.
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the
end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to
count, "Un, dos..."
Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why isn't it always hotter in the stadiums after a game?
all the fans have left.Have you heard about the cat
who climbed the Himalayas?
A: She was a renowned sher-paw. Why are there so few schools in the jungles of eastern
Because there are too many cheetahs. Thank you for your birthday wishes on Facebook. Who
are you by the way? I wanted to make you a rum cake
for your birthday. But now I am drunk and I’ve just eaten the cake.
Salt meets pepper on a plate and says, “I’m feeling all scattered
today.” Will sell broken marionettes. No
strings attached.What do you get when you crossbreed
fish with elephants?
Swimming trunks. Why did Billy throw his pocket
watch out of the window? - Because he heard his parents saying
that time flies.I got drunk yesterday and ate some
scrabble tiles because it seemed fun. Now that I'm sober, I fear my next
poop could spell disaster.I bought shoes from a second
hand shop. I think they must've belonged to some junkie though because
I've been tripping the whole day.College is really just kidnapping done backwards.
If you don’t give us a
ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back.”
Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it’s
far too dark to read.
In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the
raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a
greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to
A man is reading his
newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about
how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”
I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what
it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.
Cows go who?
No, cows go mooo! Hearing all the „work from home” recommendations, my neighbor was not
Her husband is a pathologist.
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live
directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many
rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,”
answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor
again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I
still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
I come in?What should you call an absolutely average potato?
I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me
up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get
to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.
My great grandfather’s been to the Titanic. He was warning the people
that it was going to sink right from the start. But nobody paid
Great gramps persevered, but everybody refused to
He kept trying and trying, but all it got him was
getting kicked out of the cinema.
2 robbers break into Ikea at night. Once they’re back again in the car,
they compare their loot:
What’ve you got? - Candles, some
napkins and this little pencil. - Darn it, me too.
That awkward moment when your friend told you their dog died, and, without
thinking, you say, “Oh no, that must have been ruff…”
I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful
to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were
Patient: “So, doc,
what’s my diagnosis?”
Doctor: “Hmm… I don’t know how to say this…”
Patient: “Just say it…”
Doctor: “OK what’s your star sign?”
Patient: “Come on! How can that be relevant?”
Doctor: “Just humor
Patient: „OK, my star sign is cancer.”
„See, that there is no coincidence.”
How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him,
he’s looking at your shoes.
A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you
get when you’ve been doing something right.
One worm talks to another, “You know George, I’ve had enough of this
life. I’m throwing myself in front of a chicken.
Why did the crab cross the road? - Actually, it never did. It used the
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men
are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness! -
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict? - Bishop:
It is the 16th, though.
The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.
What do you get if you crossbreed a cute Easter rabbit with an insect?
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a
child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!”
“You see how horribly
long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says
to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s
getting worse. What can I do? - Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness,
unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD
that you owe me?
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are
the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What
will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and
says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife
cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t
have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey,
are we past the border now?”
A guy is diving in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly he sees another diver,
but without any equipment.
He wonders how he does that since he’s
already dived quite deep. A minute later he sees he’s gone even deeper
He thinks, “Wow, that’s impressive”. He swims closer to
the guy and writes him a message on his underwater writing board: “How do
you manage to dive without equipment for so long?”
The other diver
writes back: “I’m drowning you cretin. Help me!”
What did the question mark say to the period? - A: How are you not
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all
jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy
slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well,
I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you
can go on the left.”
Did you pass the driving test? - No I didn't. - Why not?
- I overtook another driver. - Why would that mean you
didn’t pass the test? - Well the other driver was a ghost driver.
I just watched my colleague throw away a whole batch of unprocessed CVs.
- I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, all those unlucky people!” -
But then it dawned on me – hey, we don't need people with bad luck in
Why does a room crowded with happy couples seem so empty? - There’s
literally not a single person in there.
How to embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a used tampon and ask him to
determine which period it came from.
God finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth, with darkness and light
taking turns. He looked upon it and saw that it was good. An angel asked him
admiringly, “Amazing! What now, Lord?” “Hm,” said the Lord, “I think I’m
gonna call it a day.”
"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to,
according to my wife, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note
saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"
cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on,
that's not how you spell criticism."
all the dogs, a Hot Dog is the nicest; it feeds the hand that bites it.
Did you hear about the new movie constipation? - [No] - It
hasn’t come out yet.
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at
4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get
back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.
On an on he goes on doing this
until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts
In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking
again, Joe, haven't you?'
‘How on Earth could you guess that,
'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'
An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence:
‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’” - Little Johnny: “Errors in
the dark usually make children."
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the
Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water
and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to
empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are
sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a
sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night,
unfortunately, my phone was drunk.
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains. - The
instructions say he can also bring one friend. - But when he arrives,
he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the
heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!” - "Yeah,
but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
Chief surgeon comes across a young doctor just leaving the operating
room and claps him on the shoulder, “So, how was your first operation,
doctor turns bright red and stammers, “Um… operation? I thought it was an
Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their
It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a
mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.
My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he
has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of
the vodka bottle. I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.
Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common.
Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that
you get in real trouble.A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs
to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
A fluffy bunny walks along a lovely meadow when suddenly a big bear’s
head peeks through the grass and asks, “Do you shed, Bunny?” - The
fluffy bunny proudly smiles, “No, no I don’t.” - The bear reaches
for the fluffy bunny, with one swift stroke wipes his behind with it and
nods, “But you stink real bad!”
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let
out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an
old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day
traffic. - The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
- “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and
everything!” the driver defends himself. - The policeman sighs, “No,
sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with
the speed limit.” - “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver,
looking shocked. - The officer looks at the rest of the van and
notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff. - “What’s
up with the ladies?” he asks the driver. - “Um…” the driver scratches
his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take
Doctor: “Every two hours.” A
stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my
s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.” -
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr
Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that
would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half
of it off.” - A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for
a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a
relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated
bit be sewn back on, please?” - Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Computer parts talk to one another:
“Look, I’m like the human
brain,” says the microchip. - “Oh yeah, and I am like the eye,”
says the web cam. “Wow, I never thought about it but I am like a
mouth,” says the speaker. - “Alright, let’s change the subject,
shall we,” says the USB port.
Father to his daugter:
“Sandy, a young man came to see me today and asked for your hand in
Daughter: “And? Did you say yes, daddy?”
Father: “You know princess,
he seemed like a really nice fella, so I changed his mind.”
Water starts boiling at 212 F. But do you know when milk starts boiling?
The second you leave it for a little while.
So I’m sitting on a bus and a guy rushes out and seems to have forgotten
his hat on his seat. - The door’s just about to close but I just
make it in time to throw his hat out to him. - Now I have to sit
through two more stops trying to ignore some very angry stares from the
guy who actually owned the hat.
I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to
sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday Nearly on
Tuesday Nearly on Wednesday Nearly on Thursday Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday Nearly on Sunday
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he
knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me
that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re
drinking MY beer!“
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey
is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass! It’s
Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
“But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, did you like the play?”
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal? It’s not the
end of the world.
They say money doesn't bring you happiness. Still, it is better to
verify things for yourself.
I’m really lazy in the mornings. I mean, going out of the shower to go
to the toilet and then back in?
That’s just too much time
and effort. And with a bit of patience, the water will carry the little
pile away without any remains.
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck
a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man
replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case,"
smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
“So, Mr. Tweedly, do you sleep by an open window, like I recommended?” a
doctor checks with his patient.
“I do, doc, just like you told
“And those coughs have disappeared now?”
no, so far the only things to disappear were my cellphone and notebook.”
My children kept making fun of my sense of direction. It got a bit too much
after half an hour so I just got up and right.
What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
- Sign language.
I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running.
But it was
just my lungs.
My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine.
His faith didn’t
shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people
would otherwise actually understand.
“Does the defendant plead guilty or not guilty?”
“Do you have some alibi?”
“What’s an alibi?”
somebody seen you at the time of the robbery?”
“Oh, nobody, thank
I heard people say you can’t live without love. - I still think oxygen
There’s no pleasing my wife. She said, could I clear the table. Though I
haven’t done much sports lately, I managed with a good reserve of 2 inches
and she wasn’t even happy.
How come there’s so much month left at the end of the money?
Walking down the street I wonder if at Christmas we celebrate the birth
of Jesus, or of General Electric.A question on an internet forum:
Please help, I have this great
itching between my toes. - Answer: Well, that depends. If the itching is
between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only
between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna
hasn’t got one at all. What is it? - A surname.
A rushed tourist, panting loudly, covered in sweat, stops at a small
house where an old guy sits in a rocking chair on the porch and asks
him, “I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what’s the fastest way to get to
the train station?”
“Ah yeah, no problem,” smiles the grandpa,
“let me just untie the dogs.”
What is the difference between a German and a Sicilian insurance company?
In the German insurance company, they tell you with considerable
precision how many people are going to die next year.
In the Sicilian one,
they can even give you their names.
The Boy Scouts called and said they cannot keep my son because he’s
constantly lying and that goes against their core moral principles.
I told them they should give him a medal instead, because I never
had children. I
Santa has a good employment package. 1 month – Santa Claus, 11 months –
Santa pause.One woman to another: I want to give my
husband a very valuable stamp for Christmas. I just don't know how to
cover up the price.
I went with my baby to the doctor. The doctor examined it and
started mumbling that it doesn't look good. I was worried and asked him
what was wrong with my baby. He said it’s totally fine, it just doesn't
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
It was a lovely day so I decided I’d try playing Frisbee with my dog at
I really tried, for two hours at least, but there’s no
arguing with physics. My dog would have to be much flatter for it to
We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it knew North Korea’s
long-distance missiles won’t reach that far.Why was there a special meeting over at the United Nations when your mom
dropped the plate at Thanksgiving?
Because it meant that Turkey
crashed, there was an uncontrolled territorial expansion of Greece and China
totally shattered to pieces.
A new guy comes in a dorm late in the evening with his luggage and a buddy
shows him around.
They come to a large gong in the hallway and the
new guy asks what it’s doing there. “That’s a talking clock,” explains the
buddy. “How so?”
“Let me demonstrate,” says the buddy and bangs the
In a second, a voice comes from one of the rooms,
yelling, “Are you out of your head you rectum-faced orang-utan?! It’s nearly
Yo girl, I put sexy in dyslexia!
That awkward moment when your dad tells you that you’re not really drunk
as long as you can pronounce your name backwards and you remind yourself
that his name is Bob. A boy is getting desperate with a girl he has a crush on: “What can I give
you so you would allow me to kiss you?!”
“A full narcosis.”
Why does Peter Pan fly all the time? - He Neverlands.
Why did the singer take a bucket to her choir practice? - She
needed something to carry her tune.When I was buying our Christmas tree, the cheery seller asked if I’d be
putting it up myself. Disgusting man, I’ll be putting it in our
living room of course!How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish guy?
None at all.Doctor smiles at his
patient, “That cough of yours sounds much better now, Mr. Pickett.”
- Mr. Pickett looks at him darkly, “No wonder it does, I was practicing a lot.”HR lady asks an applicant, “If you fast forward five years into the
future, where do you see yourself, Mr. Ingram?" - Mr. Ingram nods,
"To be very honest, I think listening is definitely my weakest spot."
Son comes in from outside, stops just behind the house door and yells, “Moooooooom!!!!”
- His mother screams in frustration from the first floor, “I’ve had
enough of this constant hollering. If you’ve got something to say, come
and say it to me in person, don’t just yell like that!” - The boy
obediently walks through the hall, up the stairs and into his mom’s room
and says, “Look mom, I stepped in dog’s doo doo!”
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a
bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees… I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…
I don’t know why people have a problem with wigs. It’s a look anybody
can pull off!The next time you go out with your friends into a fancy bar, just yell,
“The next round is on myself.” Some idiot will shout, “No, it's on me!”
I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own
bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.
It’s really unjust that
he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least
he’ still a few dollars in the black compared to having bought all that at
Moses was leading his people across the dessert to the promised land for 40
This was possibly the start of the saying that men refuse to stop and
ask for directions.
“Darling, what do you think we should give Granny for Christmas?”
“The most precious thing we have!”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“Our children for babysitting!”
Little Johnny’s already been expelled from many schools because of his
bad marks and mean behavior. His dad is out of his wits and finally
decides to put him in a catholic school. And all of a sudden, Little
Johnny starts bringing home straight As and glowing behavior reports.
His daddy is shocked and asks him what changed.
“You know dad,”
says Little Johnny, “I come to our classroom – there’s a guy nailed to
the wall. I go to another room – a guy nailed to the wall. Third room –
same, a guy nailed to the wall. Dad, they’re not messing about there!”
Chuck Norris don't use pick-up lines. He only says, “Come!”
Our marriage is – over. - Our marriage is what? - Never
give Walkie-Talkies as wedding gift!
Two neighbors are talking:
The first one says, “Joe, you really
need to get yourself some curtains. I could see everything you were
doing with your wife yesterday.” - The second one replies, “And
you really need to get yourself some glasses. That was your wife.”
A pessimist sees he’s gone bald.
An optimist sees he’s greatly improved
his aerodynamic qualities.
Why was Adam the happiest guy ever?
Because Eve didn’t have a mother.
I was a doctor for a while but then I quit. I simply didn’t have enough
patience.“I have a weakness for you,” she said to the little baby, stroking its
“And I have social anxiety.”
“And I acne,” joined in
the other two fairy godmothers gathered around the crib.
They say whiskey isn’t an answer. But I say it’s worth a shot.