Two elephants want to go swimming in the ocean. The lifeguard shouts from his watchtower, “Hey, you can't swim here without trunks!”
The elephants turn around, “Yeah, say it again to our faces, bro!”
The kangaroo mother got incredibly itchy around her belly. She opened her pouch and yelled into it:
“How often have I told you not to eat the crunchy cookies in bed!”
Dracula comes home drunk. His wife is angry: “Vlad, will you please lay off the people in front of the bars finally!”
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
I'm on a diet.
-
Oh, cool. How much did you lose?
-
After one day I lost my happiness and just two days in I lost my patience.
Feeling amused? Explore our Puns section!
A guy is standing at a bus stop with a piece of sandwich peeking out of the seat of his trousers. People keep pretending not to notice but eventually one man is too curious and asks what it’s supposed to mean.
“Yeah, I thought it was weird, too, but I was at the dentist today and he said it was really important that I chew on the other side today.”
The police stops a car.
Police officer: “Wow, you went 30 mph over the speed limit. Humor me with a good excuse. And if you have a very good one, I will let you go without a ticket.”
-
“Well”, says the driver, “I committed armed robbery last week and when I saw the police car behind me, I panicked that they will get me.”
Funnily enough, although he got quite a lot of time, he did not get the ticket.
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
Is Google a he or a she?
A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.
Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”
“My obese wife took up horse riding to lose weight.”
-
“Wow, that helps?”
-
“Well, her, not much. But the horse already lost 20 pounds.”
Do unzipped files get embarrassed?
“Fancy that, Bob, I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
“Really?! What got her so upset?”
“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”
“Here, my king, I completed my quest. In this bag you will find the head of the evil dragon that was terrorizing your kingdom.”
“Very well done, brave knight. And in this bag, as promised, is your reward – the hand and the heart of the princess.“
Today I brought a pizza with me on the bus. The driver said: “Hey that is not a restaurant here.”
I said: “I know, that’s why I brought my own food.”
The love of your life.
Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!
Why does a woodpecker have a beak?
So as not to smash his head against the tree.
What should we call an American bee?
-
A USB.
Seen enough jokes? Discover a new category!
The nurse is registering a new patient, “When is your birthday?”
The patient replies, “October 22.”
The nurse asks, “What year?”
The patient shrugs, “Every year!”
Why did the mathematician want to take his life?
-
He couldn't figure out his function.
When do you stop at green and go full speed at red?
-
When you're enjoying a watermelon!
You’ll never believe whom I saw yesterday!
[Who]
Everybody I laid my eyes on!
Guy tries to chat up a girl at a party:
Guy: "So, baby, what would it take for you to let me kiss you?"
-
Woman: "Knockout Drops."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Kenya.
Kenya who?
Keeeenya feeel the loooove tonight?
A couple is walking through the streets of Paris. It starts to rain heavily.
He: "Here, take my backpack, darling, and hold it above your head.”
-
She: “But what about you, my love?! I don't want you to get wet!”
-
He: "Ah, don't worry, petal. I have an umbrella."
Knock Knock.
-
Who’s there?
-
I warned you.
-
I warned you who?
-
Arrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking... I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
Knock, knock.
-
Who’s there?
-
Death.
-
Death who?
-
Oh come on! You know! The dark reaper? Open up.
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
Knock, knock.
-
Who’s there?
-
Kanga.
-
Kango who?
-
No. Kangaroo.
Ironing board.
A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.
“Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.”
-
“Yes sir, our coffee cannot hide how strong it is.”
My grandma gave me this great advice, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” She was right! You just have to really work on your aim.
Women: “Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.”
-
2 million hours – The average time men spend trying to find out why their darling is angry with them.
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
“Have you got anything to drink?”
“Water.”
“I meant something harder?”
“Ice.”
My mother urged me to attend a cooking class. She said: “A man should know how to cook. It impresses the girls.”
After a few lessons, a very beautiful girl started chatting to me. One thing led to another – aaand we are very good friends now.
Outer Mongolia.
One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight. Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.”
Condoms. By humans, for humans, on humans, in humans – against more humans.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting sloth.
Interrupting sloth who?
(20 seconds silent break)
SLOOOOOOTTTTHHHH!!!!
What is the most dangerous sports in the world?
-
Being the goalie in soccer. The other team just keeps shooting at you.
At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?”
-
The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”
The boss stops an employee one morning, “Hastings, do you smell of cheap liquor?!”
-
“You can bet that on this salary, it ain’t no Champagne.”
A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.
A doctor stops him and asks: “Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!”
-
The patient breathes heavily: “I was about to be operated on, doctor. And then the nurse said: ‘Come now, stop panicking. You’ll manage just fine!’”
-
The doctor shrugs: “Oh but that’s nice, no? Nurse being supportive to you?”
-
The patient gets angry: “She was talking to the surgeon!”
Life hack if you are bored: Ring at 5 a.m. at your neighbors’ and ask them if they also need to wake up so early. You will have some fun interactions.
My date last night was really awesome.
We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet.
I love my new taser.
Little Johnny refuses to cross the street. His mother pleads with him, “Johnny, come on, let’s just walk across the street. What’s the problem?”
Little Johnny responds: “But mom, you said yourself that I can only cross the street when all the cars have passed. There was not a single car yet!!”
Two hunters are comparing their stories. One says, “I once shot a wild boar so big they had to come get it with a tractor!”
The other scoffs, “Ha, I once shot a bird so big, 357 people got out of it when it hit the ground.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Somebody who thinks you should fix your darn doorbell!
In a shoe shop:
These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
-
Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.
It's 60 Yeses to 61 Nos against my child. I think I will win this!
Patient to surgeon: “I'm worried that the operation will be too expensive.”
Surgeon: “Well, looking at your chances of recovery, I’m guessing that’s anyway rather a problem for the bereaved.”
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”
-
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
I’m here to fix your doorbell.
Pick up line: Hey girl, I overheard you saying that you’re on the lookout for some STUD! Well I’ve got STD, so all that’s missing now is U…
I was looking for some books on paranoia in the library. When I asked, the librarian said very quietly, “Yes. They are behind you.”
What is it: “Three in the office but only one works”
-
Two state clerks and a running ventilator.
What do lawyers usually wear when they go to court?
-
Lawsuits!
What is the difference between an avocado and a chicken?
They're both green, except for the chicken.
A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”
-
“A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
-
“How do you mean that?” asks the mother.
-
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”
A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”
Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”
How can you open a banana?
-
With a monkey!
Where do fish sleep?
-
In the RiverBed.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
-
He quickly goes under cover.
A doctor got angry.
He lost all his patients.
A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks, examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”
Why is soccer so dangerous?
-
Because of the constant shootings.
How can you detect a detective dog?
-
He's the one with the good lead.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood, mind if I come in for a chat?
What lies on the ocean bed and is twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish.
Mom at a dentist:
“Now please darling, open up nicely for the doctor so he can take his hand out!”
I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.
One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient parrot.
Impatient par…
SQUAAWK!
Robert Crinklethumbknut, international tongue-twister champion, made headlines when he got arrested. The rumor is, he’s getting a really tough sentence.
What do you call a totally unimportant elephant?
-
An Irrelephant.
Father on his death bed: “Son, I would like to see my wife for the last time. Please bring her to my bed.”
-
The son goes and comes back in 5 minutes, "Sorry dad, mom says she’s busy preparing for the funeral service."
Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women?
-
Because they like curves.
My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.
Doctor: “You got poisoned.”
-
Patient: “Oh no, will I live?!”
-
Doctor: “Let’s wait 10 minutes, then we’ll know.”
The hipster from next door drowned. He went ice skating before it was cool.
Where do cows like to go in their spare time?
In the Muuuuuuseum.
I know that I'm fat but I’d be really rich in Britain. There they measure their wealth in pounds.
A smoothie. The miracle of selling somebody a peach and a banana for $5.
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
“What?”
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen all this knocking bother you already?
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben hoping I can come in.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess cut the talking and let me in.
What is red and occasionally explodes in the fruit section?
-
A pomegranate.
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
-
“No, how?”
-
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
99,8% people have problems with math.
...
I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.
Are you feeling all alone?
-
Put on a good horror movie and switch off all the lights. That alone feeling will soon go away.
I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.
Honey, somebody vomited in my favorite mug.
-
Come on! I made lentil soup for you!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Shocking.
Shocking who?
Shocking you!
I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
You know, it may be time to get tested for Alzheimer’s, mate.
Notice on a shoe repair shop:
I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Why is the math book so sad?
-
It's got too many problems!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the stupid bell finally, will you?
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
What would you call a fish with a missing eye?
A fsh, probably.
Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.
Husband: “Do you want some fries, honey?”
-
Wife: “No, they just make me fat.”
-
*** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly. ***
Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”
What were the words of a truck driver after he got a flat?
Darn, this is a wheely bad time.
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
Important note from a car manual:
Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.
Why didn’t the ghost cross the road?
It had no body to go with.
What five-letter-word starts with a “P” and ends with and “s”?
-
Pants. You pig.
What’s the difference between a running and a flying mouse?
The flying one has a hawk attached to its back.
Breaking news: Yesterday morning, terrorists occupied the strategically placed Jameson whiskey distillery in Dublin. They still haven’t been able to formulate their demands.
What does it mean when there’s a black flag hanging out on a company building?
They’re advertising an unexpected vacancy.
What’s the difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?
-
One is an optical illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back.
-
I think it would be truly alarming.
I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels. It just wooden work.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door?
-
Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!
A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds, shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all alone?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Prove to me it wasn’t a goose!
Some people see “Buy two beers, get three!”
I see “Buy eight beers, get twelve!”
Father is giving his son some life advice.
Father: “If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”
Son: “And what does that mean?”
Father: “You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”
Son: “And cautious?”
Father: “Never make any promises.”
Which flower is the most talkative?
-
Tulips, of course, they can’t keep those lips shut!
Why is a skeleton a bad liar?
-
You can see right through it.
One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.
What sign has probably never been made in Braille?
“Danger, do not touch.”
What do you get on the ocean surface in really gentle wind?
Microwaves.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s really cold outside!
A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only have 3 parachutes between them.
The president cries: “I’m the president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.
The world’s smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!” and he jumps out.
The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”
The kid smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man took my backpack.”
One eye winks at the other, you know, between you and me, there’s something smelling.
What should a proper lawyer wear to a court?
-
A good law suit.
A farmer needs to know how many sheep he has in his field. He calls his German Shepherd dog to count them for him. The dog runs off, counts the sheep and returns to the farmer.
"How many?" asks the farmer. "40," replies the dog. The farmer is startled and says, "What do you mean, 40 - I only bought 37!" The dog shrugs, "I rounded them up."
I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alexplain everything once you’ve opened the door.
Losing a wife can be truly hard. Sometimes almost impossible.
Lilly bursts into the house from the garden and tells her mom out of breath: “Mom, mom, I accidentally knocked over the big ladder that was leaning against the tree!”
Mother says, “Well go get daddy, he’ll help you put it back.”
Lilly hops on the spot, “But I can’t, he’s still holding on to the branch!”
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more delighted.
What is a typical diet of a sea monster?
Fish and ships.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Stopwatch.
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatcha doin’ and open the stupid door.
Why does a French airport strike always have to last a few days?
So that people can distinguish between a strike and a regular delay.
-
Measles, for instance.
A good sign for a toy shop at Christmas: We speak ho-ho-ho here!
What do you call a deeply religious cow that just performed a miracle?
HOLY COW!!!!
How do monsters prefer their eggs?
-
Terrifried.
When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter from your window.
You’ll see a butterfly.
Where does Santa send the elves‘ wages?
To the snow bank.
How do reindeer amuse themselves during the long year?
-
They play stable-tennis.
How do you make a tissue dance?
-
Just needs a little boogey!
Three guys walk into a bar. Why? Because they’re blind.
Don’t get me wrong, I like humor and jokes like everybody else. But when it comes to air conditioning jokes – just not a fan
Why did the airplane disappear from the airport?
-
It had terminal illness.
What kind of a driver doesn’t know how to drive?
The screwdriver.
Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.
I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.
What does a blanket say when it falls off the bed?
-
Oh sheet!
I have butterflies in my stomach.
-
Paul (11), a.k.a. The Boy Who’d Eat Just About Anything
“Esrowneve” may look like gibberish, but when you put it backwards, it’s even worse…
I thought tables couldn’t bleed.
-
Then I was introduced to the periodic table.
What did one coffin say to his friend in the darkness of the tomb?
-
Hey, dude, is that you coffin?
I’m looking for some good fish jokes.
-
If you know any, let minnow.
The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
-
Finds the nearest skyscraper.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar.
Things get tense.
What’s the difference between a sticker, a tuna, and a piano?"
"No idea."
"You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t piano a tuna."
"Oh. And what’s with the sticker?"
"I knew you'd get stuck there."
I bought some gloves today, they’re really warm and snuggly, but unfortunately they’re both left. So, on one hand, that’s awesome, but then again on the other hand, it’s really not right…
A plane crashed down with 200 people on board. Every single person died, yet there were a 100 survivors. How is that possible?
-
All the married ones lived.
I’d tell you a really good joke about clouds. But I’m afraid it’s way over your head.
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, "Un, dos..."
Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
Lemonaid.
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
I mean, all the fans have left.
Have you heard about the cat who climbed the Himalayas?
A: She was a renowned sher-paw.
Why are there so few schools in the jungles of eastern Africa?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Thank you for your birthday wishes on Facebook. Who are you by the way?
I wanted to make you a rum cake for your birthday. But now I am drunk and I’ve just eaten the cake.
Salt meets pepper on a plate and says, “I’m feeling all scattered today.”
Will sell broken marionettes. No strings attached.
What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants?
Swimming trunks.
Why did Billy throw his pocket watch out of the window?
-
Because he heard his parents saying that time flies.
I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles because it seemed fun. Now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must've belonged to some junkie though because I've been tripping the whole day.
College is really just kidnapping done backwards.
If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back.”
Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it’s far too dark to read.
In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to me.
A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”
I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go mooo!
Hearing all the „work from home” recommendations, my neighbor was not amused.
Her husband is a pathologist.
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
What should you call an absolutely average potato?
A commentator.
I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.
My great grandfather’s been to the Titanic. He was warning the people that it was going to sink right from the start. But nobody paid attention.
Great gramps persevered, but everybody refused to listen.
He kept trying and trying, but all it got him was getting kicked out of the cinema.
2 robbers break into Ikea at night. Once they’re back again in the car, they compare their loot:
What’ve you got?
-
Candles, some napkins and this little pencil.
-
Darn it, me too.
That awkward moment when your friend told you their dog died, and, without thinking, you say, “Oh no, that must have been ruff…”
I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.
Doctor: “Hmm… I don’t know how to say this…”
Patient: “Just say it…”
Doctor: “OK what’s your star sign?”
Patient: “Come on! How can that be relevant?”
Doctor: “Just humor me.”
Patient: „OK, my star sign is cancer.”
Doctor: „See, that there is no coincidence.”
Patient: …
How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.
A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.
One worm talks to another, “You know George, I’ve had enough of this life. I’m throwing myself in front of a chicken.
Why did the crab cross the road?
-
Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
-
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
-
Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.
What do you get if you crossbreed a cute Easter rabbit with an insect?
Bugs Bunny.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!”
“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
-
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
A guy is diving in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly he sees another diver, but without any equipment.
He wonders how he does that since he’s already dived quite deep. A minute later he sees he’s gone even deeper underwater.
He thinks, “Wow, that’s impressive”. He swims closer to the guy and writes him a message on his underwater writing board: “How do you manage to dive without equipment for so long?”
The other diver writes back: “I’m drowning you cretin. Help me!”
-
A: How are you not bleeding?
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”
Did you pass the driving test?
-
No I didn't.
-
Why not?
-
I overtook another driver.
-
Why would that mean you didn’t pass the test?
-
Well the other driver was a ghost driver.
I just watched my colleague throw away a whole batch of unprocessed CVs.
-
I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, all those unlucky people!”
-
But then it dawned on me – hey, we don't need people with bad luck in our company!
Why does a room crowded with happy couples seem so empty?
-
There’s literally not a single person in there.
How to embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a used tampon and ask him to determine which period it came from.
God finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth, with darkness and light taking turns. He looked upon it and saw that it was good. An angel asked him admiringly, “Amazing! What now, Lord?”
“Hm,” said the Lord, “I think I’m gonna call it a day.”
"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"
I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."
Of all the dogs, a Hot Dog is the nicest; it feeds the hand that bites it.
Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
-
[No]
-
It hasn’t come out yet.
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.
On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.
In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'
‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'
'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'
An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
-
Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunk.
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
-
The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
-
But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
-
"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
Chief surgeon comes across a young doctor just leaving the operating room and claps him on the shoulder, “So, how was your first operation, Noel?”
The young doctor turns bright red and stammers, “Um… operation? I thought it was an autopsy?”
Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.
My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.
I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.
A fluffy bunny walks along a lovely meadow when suddenly a big bear’s head peeks through the grass and asks, “Do you shed, Bunny?”
-
The fluffy bunny proudly smiles, “No, no I don’t.”
-
The bear reaches for the fluffy bunny, with one swift stroke wipes his behind with it and nods, “But you stink real bad!”
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
-
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
-
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
-
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
-
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
-
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
-
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
-
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
-
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
-
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
-
Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Computer parts talk to one another:
“Look, I’m like the human brain,” says the microchip.
-
“Oh yeah, and I am like the eye,” says the web cam.
“Wow, I never thought about it but I am like a mouth,” says the speaker.
-
“Alright, let’s change the subject, shall we,” says the USB port.
Father to his daugter: “Sandy, a young man came to see me today and asked for your hand in marriage.”
Daughter: “And? Did you say yes, daddy?”
Father: “You know princess, he seemed like a really nice fella, so I changed his mind.”
Water starts boiling at 212 F. But do you know when milk starts boiling?
The second you leave it for a little while.
So I’m sitting on a bus and a guy rushes out and seems to have forgotten his hat on his seat.
-
The door’s just about to close but I just make it in time to throw his hat out to him.
-
Now I have to sit through two more stops trying to ignore some very angry stares from the guy who actually owned the hat.
I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"
Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
“But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, did you like the play?”
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal? It’s not the end of the world.
They say money doesn't bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
I’m really lazy in the mornings. I mean, going out of the shower to go to the toilet and then back in?
That’s just too much time and effort. And with a bit of patience, the water will carry the little pile away without any remains.
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
“So, Mr. Tweedly, do you sleep by an open window, like I recommended?” a doctor checks with his patient.
“I do, doc, just like you told me.”
“And those coughs have disappeared now?”
“Not really, no, so far the only things to disappear were my cellphone and notebook.”
My children kept making fun of my sense of direction. It got a bit too much after half an hour so I just got up and right.
What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
-
Sign language.
I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running.
But it was just my lungs.
My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine.
His faith didn’t shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.
“Not guilty.”
“Do you have some alibi?”
“What’s an alibi?”
“Has somebody seen you at the time of the robbery?”
“Oh, nobody, thank God.”
I heard people say you can’t live without love.
-
I still think oxygen ranks higher.
There’s no pleasing my wife. She said, could I clear the table. Though I haven’t done much sports lately, I managed with a good reserve of 2 inches and she wasn’t even happy.
How come there’s so much month left at the end of the money?
Walking down the street I wonder if at Christmas we celebrate the birth of Jesus, or of General Electric.
A question on an internet forum:
Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.
-
Answer: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna hasn’t got one at all. What is it?
-
A surname.
A rushed tourist, panting loudly, covered in sweat, stops at a small house where an old guy sits in a rocking chair on the porch and asks him, “I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what’s the fastest way to get to the train station?”
“Ah yeah, no problem,” smiles the grandpa, “let me just untie the dogs.”
What is the difference between a German and a Sicilian insurance company?
In the German insurance company, they tell you with considerable precision how many people are going to die next year.
In the Sicilian one, they can even give you their names.
The Boy Scouts called and said they cannot keep my son because he’s constantly lying and that goes against their core moral principles.
I told them they should give him a medal instead, because I never had children. I
Santa has a good employment package. 1 month – Santa Claus, 11 months – Santa pause.
One woman to another: I want to give my husband a very valuable stamp for Christmas. I just don't know how to cover up the price.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
It was a lovely day so I decided I’d try playing Frisbee with my dog at the park.
I really tried, for two hours at least, but there’s no arguing with physics. My dog would have to be much flatter for it to work.
We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it knew North Korea’s long-distance missiles won’t reach that far.
Why was there a special meeting over at the United Nations when your mom dropped the plate at Thanksgiving?
Because it meant that Turkey crashed, there was an uncontrolled territorial expansion of Greece and China totally shattered to pieces.
A new guy comes in a dorm late in the evening with his luggage and a buddy shows him around.
They come to a large gong in the hallway and the new guy asks what it’s doing there. “That’s a talking clock,” explains the buddy. “How so?”
“Let me demonstrate,” says the buddy and bangs the gong loudly.
In a second, a voice comes from one of the rooms, yelling, “Are you out of your head you rectum-faced orang-utan?! It’s nearly midnight!”
Yo girl, I put sexy in dyslexia!
That awkward moment when your dad tells you that you’re not really drunk as long as you can pronounce your name backwards and you remind yourself that his name is Bob.
A boy is getting desperate with a girl he has a crush on: “What can I give you so you would allow me to kiss you?!”
“A full narcosis.”
Why does Peter Pan fly all the time?
-
He Neverlands.
Why did the singer take a bucket to her choir practice?
-
She needed something to carry her tune.
When I was buying our Christmas tree, the cheery seller asked if I’d be putting it up myself.
Disgusting man, I’ll be putting it in our living room of course!
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish guy?
None at all.
Doctor smiles at his patient, “That cough of yours sounds much better now, Mr. Pickett.”
-
Mr. Pickett looks at him darkly, “No wonder it does, I was practicing a lot.”
HR lady asks an applicant, “If you fast forward five years into the future, where do you see yourself, Mr. Ingram?"
-
Mr. Ingram nods, "To be very honest, I think listening is definitely my weakest spot."
Son comes in from outside, stops just behind the house door and yells, “Moooooooom!!!!”
-
His mother screams in frustration from the first floor, “I’ve had enough of this constant hollering. If you’ve got something to say, come and say it to me in person, don’t just yell like that!”
-
The boy obediently walks through the hall, up the stairs and into his mom’s room and says, “Look mom, I stepped in dog’s doo doo!”
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…
I don’t know why people have a problem with wigs. It’s a look anybody can pull off!
The next time you go out with your friends into a fancy bar, just yell, “The next round is on myself.” Some idiot will shout, “No, it's on me!”
I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.
It’s really unjust that he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least he’ still a few dollars in the black compared to having bought all that at the cinema.
Moses was leading his people across the dessert to the promised land for 40 years.
This was possibly the start of the saying that men refuse to stop and ask for directions.
“Darling, what do you think we should give Granny for Christmas?”
“The most precious thing we have!”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“Our children for babysitting!”
Little Johnny’s already been expelled from many schools because of his bad marks and mean behavior. His dad is out of his wits and finally decides to put him in a catholic school. And all of a sudden, Little Johnny starts bringing home straight As and glowing behavior reports. His daddy is shocked and asks him what changed.
“You know dad,” says Little Johnny, “I come to our classroom – there’s a guy nailed to the wall. I go to another room – a guy nailed to the wall. Third room – same, a guy nailed to the wall. Dad, they’re not messing about there!”
Chuck Norris don't use pick-up lines. He only says, “Come!”
Our marriage is – over.
-
Our marriage is what?
-
Never give Walkie-Talkies as wedding gift!
The first one says, “Joe, you really need to get yourself some curtains. I could see everything you were doing with your wife yesterday.”
-
The second one replies, “And you really need to get yourself some glasses. That was your wife.”
A pessimist sees he’s gone bald.
An optimist sees he’s greatly improved his aerodynamic qualities.
A guy runs with a machine gun into his wife’s chess club and yells: “Which of you nerdy scabs slept with my wife?”
A chees player looks up: “You know man, I don’t think your magazine will be enough.”
Why was Adam the happiest guy ever?
Because Eve didn’t have a mother.
I was a doctor for a while but then I quit. I simply didn’t have enough patience.
“I have a weakness for you,” she said to the little baby, stroking its smooth cheek.
“And I have social anxiety.”
“And I acne,” joined in the other two fairy godmothers gathered around the crib.
They say whiskey isn’t an answer. But I say it’s worth a shot.
Little Johnny by the Christmas tree: “And are all these gifts from Santa?”
-
“Yes Johnny,” beams his mother.
-
“Oh, so you didn’t get me a darn thing again this year, did you.”
Why has no skeleton ever jumped from a really tall building?
-
They ain’t got the balls.
Q: How did the copper wire come about?
A: Two Scotsmen couldn’t agree whose penny it was.
Q: Why is the hour-hand on a clock usually somewhat thicker?
A: Less movement.
What does a traffic warden do when he wins a million dollars in the lottery?
-
He buys himself a crossing and becomes self-employed.
I hit some low times, but I won’t let that stop me from throwing parties. And we’re not having any box-wine, thank you. It will be a lovely cardbordeaux.
Q: What is a surefire way to make a small fortune in a casino?
A: You invest a large fortune.
“Fred, something happened to me yesterday. Something that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy!”
“Oh no, what happened?!”
“I won ten million bucks!!!!!”
What is white, stands in front of the stairs, and can’t go up?
-
A washing machine.
What do polar bears eat for breakfast?
-
Frosted flakes.
When does a car stop being a car?
-
The second it turns into a driveway.
So – Santa is this foreign guy with a host of small people who build the toys we give our kids?
Santa must be Chinese.
A wife comes home in the morning and tells the husband that she spent the night at her best friend’s. The husband then calls 10 of her best friends and finds out she didn’t spend the night in any of their homes.
A husband comes home in the morning and tells the wife he spent the night at his best friend’s. The wife calls 10 of his best friends and finds out he spent the night at 7 of them while the other 3 swear he’s still sleeping on the couch.
A wife comes home and the husband asks her where she’d been so long.
“At a beauty parlor,” replies the wife. The husband looks at her closely, “Well, it’s the effort that counts.”
We spent a month on holiday and it only rained twice! First for ten days, then for nineteen.
All throughout the Christmas Eve and the silent wonders of the magical night, it is a happy Christmas. Then the kids barge into the living room in search of gifts and turn the season to a happy Christmess.
What’s the difference between a wasp and a fly?
-
A wasp can fly, but a fly can’t wasp.
I wonder if Kevin Bacon movies are banned in Muslim countries?
Joke for mothers:
When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor.
When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it.
When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
“Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning,” asks Joe.
“Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give you a day off for this!” rumbles the boss.
“Oh thanks a lot, boss,” Joe smiles, relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”
What is black and white and sits on a swing?
-
A swinguine.
“A vodka please!”
“Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.”
“Yeah, yeah, alright. McVodka then.”
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Kevin raises his hand and says, “I have three questions, Mrs. Clinton.
1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lust?
2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?
3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?
Suddenly the bell rings for break and the children run about their business. After the break they come back and the Q and A period resumes. Joel raises his hand and says, “I have five questions, Mrs. Clinton.
1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lust?
2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?
3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?
4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes earlier?
5. Where is Kevin?
What is white and hides behind a tree?
-
A shy milk.
Are insecticides good for mosquitos?"
[yes]
Not at all, it kills them!"
Advent calendars are an inspiration to us all. They are so jolly – and yet their days are numbered…
Christmas is on my mind the whole 12 months before it comes.
It is also on my Visa bill the whole 12 months afterwards.
You can’t beat Scottish summer.
Best early August Wednesday afternoon you’ll ever experience.
Ah, when it comes to cliffhanger endings, I always say,
What do you do when the phone rings and you get a private caller?
-
Don't answer that. Pick up for ranks Lieutenant and higher only.
Personal financial situation: Just finished rinsing a few paper cups.
Facebook is much like a fridge. You visit every 10 minutes, even though you know there’s nothing worth it in there.
I’m a superb multitasker. I’ve no problem wasting time, money and life’s opportunities all at the same time!
Do you have a car – but no gas money?
-
Just fart in your wallet! Tadaaa – gas money!
What fish is the best fighter?
-
The swordfish.
Mr. and Mrs. Blane are going to the theater. They’re waiting at the cashdesk and finally there’s only one couple in front of them.
The man says to the cashier, “Tristan and Isolde. Two tickets, please.”
Mr. Blane waits his turn and says to the cashier, “Harlan and m’lovely wife Jennys. Two tickets also, please.”
Two idiots roam the woods looking for a nice Christmas tree. After hours of freezing and chasing away the odd wolf, one of the them brings down the axe and says, “OK that’s it. I’m taking the next right-sized tree we see and I don’t give a dime if it’s decorated or not!”
Why was the toilet paper rolling down the hill?
-
It was in a rush to get to the bottom.
An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.
Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty dollars’ and you make a pause.
If the customer looks OK, you continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”
Which bus never drove on any street?
The globus.
Legalize mrahi…. Legalize marrrhi…. Legalize pot!
So when did you start working for this company?
The moment they told me I have to pick up my performance or I’m history.
What is red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?
I came home from work yesterday and got a terrible shock. All the windows open, everything gone.
I nearly cried, I mean who can do something like that, and right before Christmas, too?
And to top it, my family didn’t let me call the cops, they kept insisting they have better things to do than investigate who polished off my Advent calendar.
What was Hitler’s favorite candy?
-
Nazipan.
What do you call a Bee from the United States?
A USB.
Why didn’t the Orange drive when the lights turned green again?
-
No juice!
Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.
What would you call an elf who is an excellent swimmer?
An elfin.
An American businessman comes to a Swiss bank in Zurich with a suitcase, shades and a shifty expression.
“I’d like to deposit some money, please.”
“Excellent, sir. How much would you like to deposit?”
The guy whispers, “Four million.”
The clerk smiles kindly, “No need to whisper, sir. In Switzerland, there’s no shame to being a bit poor.”
What is hairy, brown, and goes up and down?
-
A kiwi in an elevator.
America: If your country has oil, it badly needs peace and freedom.
For an embarrassingly long time I'd ben putting golf balls in the same category as athlete’s foot.
She was crying.
He sat down by her.
He gently wiped away her tears.
Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.
Here’s my step ladder. I’ve never met my biological ladder.
What do you get when you crossbreed a homing pigeon and a parrot?
A homing pigeon who stops to ask for directions.
I think my wife is cheating on me.
She said she’s going for a run – but there’s nothing on her Instagram!
What kind of a bike does Santa ride in his spare time? A Holly Davidson.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no 'we' in chips.
That moment when you add twenty one products into your basket but then you decide to shop on another web site because you're unhappy that they charge five dollars sending fee.
“Mrs. Riddiwinkle, what made you just toss your husband’s body into a garbage container when you found him dead?!”
“Well… he’s always been insisting he wants nothing fancy by way of a funeral…”
We had to pull over to let an ambulance whizz by, sirens blaring. My dad was silent for a while and then commented, “I can’t see them selling much ice-cream at this speed.”
I tried eating healthy but the salad kept falling off the cheeseburger.
There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
In the morning of Christmas Eve, a lady rummages through the last remaining turkeys in the supermarket freezer.
“Do they get any bigger by any chance?” she asks the shop assistant with a sigh.
He looks at her for a while and says, “No madam, they are quite dead.”
“Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.”
“Absolutely! ‘Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!’”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two days of no drinking.
The wife sighs contentedly at the dinner table, “I’m no Michelin star chef, but there are two things I really excel at and that's meatloaf and strudel!”
The husband inspects the contents of his plate and asks, “And which of those is this?”
Hey dad how was your weekend?"
-
"Light, dark, light, dark, Monday."
Last week’s Clairvoyants Associated meeting was cancelled for unpredictable reasons.
A guy loses an argument against his older sister and tells her she’s adopted.
-
The sister smirks, “Yeah, well at least they wanted me.”
”Rickie, I hate being a virgin. I’m 21 and the only entity I’ve slept with is an open window!
My husband told me I should put a bit more salt in the stew next time.
I’m torn now whether to tell him that it was actually leftover dog food that I’d put in the fridge.
You: “So, dad, I was thinking…”
Dad: “Ohhhhh and I wondered what that high-pitched grinding sound was!”
A true Englishman can actually differentiate at least 805 shades of grey.
What do you get when you make a snowman really, really mad angry?
-
Frothy the Snowman.
The European Commission discovered another inequality – women are on average shorter than men.
They established a sub-committee that vowed to do away with this gender discrimination by 2025.
Can you put my shoes on, dad?”
-
“Actually, I think they’re a bit too small for me.”
“Mr. Somniac, do you think the Americans could influence Russian elections?”
“Hardly. Not even Russian voters are capable of that.”
Being a mom is awesome! You wake up in the morning, make yourself some coffee – and in the evening you sit down and drink it in peace and quiet.
Where would Santa hide gifts for his elves?
-
In his clauset.
You should always keep your cool when handling justice. Otherwise it would become just warm.
How do you feel?
[Good]
Wrong. You feel with your skin.
My horrible neighbor would never reveal her true age. But there are some subtle clues, for instance she has a miniature from Vincent Van Gogh instead of a photo in her passport, and a signed copy of the Bible.
In books, there hides great knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; corruption is a crime; crime doesn't pay... basically, if you keep on reading, you’ll end up a beggar.
My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was.
So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away.
Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
My horrible neighbor would never reveal her true age. But there are some subtle clues, for instance she has a miniature from Vincent Van Gogh instead of a photo in her passport, and a signed copy of the Bible.
The only scenario where you really need a land line today is when you’re trying to find your smartphone.
Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.
If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.
A boy is running around his yard in early December, chanting, “I SO WISH I GOT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!”
An elderly man watches him go on for a while, then comes over and says, “Son, what is this about, Santa ain’t deaf, you know?
”
The little boy, out of breath, smiles, “He probably isn’t, but my auntie Jane is.”
Well, Johnny, what did you get your Grandma for her birthday?”
“A baseball.”
“Johnny, what were you thinking?! Grandma doesn’t play baseball!”
“So? She got me some books for my last birthday.”
Chuck Norris sticks park benches under bubble gums.
Dear Santa, this year, I really don’t need you to bring me anything. Actually, could you possibly take away my mother in law?
Dad, can I leave the table please?
-
Sure, as long as you leave it right where it is.
Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.
Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must have been around 8 or 11 feet tall.
Help a woman when she’s in trouble.
She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.
They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?
My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with well-done beef steaks.
What keeps falling but never gets hurt?
The snow.
A little girl is praying, “Dear Lord, please provide enough warm clothes for all the impoverished ladies in daddy’s computer…”
(At career day with parents)
“Well, Miss Green, he’s no good for a trade, that’s for sure… Could he at least do some college?”
What is cold and stands under a street lamp?
-
A frostitute.
Teacher: “Whoever can tell me some actual fact about the history of the 1700s will get an A.”
-
Little Johnny: “Everybody from that time is now dead.”
How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat when you’re driving?
-
Invite him to bark in the front seat.
Chuck Norris doesn’t bother with sunscreen. If he’s had enough tan, he just looks at the Sun and says, “No!”
I heard a midget got pickpocketed on our street the other day. I don’t understand how anybody can stoop so low.
What do you do when you find a 250 pound dog eating from your plate?
-
Seek medical help.
You’ve been seeing too many 250 pound dogs recently.
What has 4,000 eyes and 8,000 legs?
-
Two thousand dogs.
There are many things in life that give me great joy. For instance cooking my children and ignoring commas.
A cannibal who recently moved into civilization sees his friend walking down the street, carrying an urn.
“Wow, you even have instant meals here?!”
What is the equivalent of a superdeath laser gun for snowmen?
A hairdryer.
What’s the difference between a psychopath and a psychiatrist?
The psychiatrist has the keys.
How many believers in telekinesis here? Raise that guy’s hand.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
[Don’t know]
OK, in that case I think I’ll mail that letter myself, thank you.
Artificial intelligence is very impressive but it’s got nothing on natural idiocy.
Would you rather have a 250 pound dog chase you or a lion?
-
Um… I’d rather he chased the lion.
Grandpa, what is a pension?”
“A sad reminder of a wage.”
Do you seek a good laugh?
-
Draw eyebrows on your dog. It works.
Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces. Like when I go to the bar and I’m afraid they’ll be closed.
Scientists have proven that men are brighter than women. They found out that
where a man thinks, a women has a hole.
A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon.
-
A customer walks up to him and says, “It’s not often that I see a dog drinking bourbon here!”
The dog sniffs, “Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices.”
I have a great fear of choking, but the worst possible time to choke is probably when you’re playing charades.
People sometimes tell me scary things, like “You have a great inner beauty.” I’m just thinking: “Stay away from my kidneys.”
You know that saying, “Nobody’s perfect”? Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.
And who brings presents to little sharks who’ve been good the whole year?
-
Santa Jaws!
A good idea for a sign: “Salespeople welcome – dog food has become really expensive”
One pen pal to another, “Can you tell me what you look like?”
-
“Do you know Beyonce?”
-
“Yes!”
-
“So, not like that.”
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
April 1st. The only day in the year when media articles are viewed with some suspicion.
Bulimia, plastic surgery, anorexia – all those are deeply personal, taboo subjects. But talk about botox? Nobody raises an eyebrow.
What looks like a dog, lives in a dog house, eats dog food and is extremely dangerous?
-
A Rottweiler with a black belt in karate.
What market shouldn't you take your dog to?
-
The flea market.
A skeleton walks into a restaurant. After a while the waiter comes and says: “I’m so sorry, sir. You must have been waiting pretty long.”
Dogs are the best alarm clocks.
-
When they want out, there’s no snooze button that could tame that.
You can go anywhere you like; you must only look serious and carry a clipboard.
It may seem like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to disappear.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to turn into a conservative, without having to change a single idea.
How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is already full of gorillas.
Will sell dog.
Easy-going.
Eats anything.
Loves children.
"Hello? Am I speaking to the Lost and Found?"
"No, this is the oncology department. So more of a Found and Lost."
Why do prisons only use microfiber pillows and bedcovers?
Because they fear the Icarization of prisoners.
Level of cooking expertise: Using smoke alarm as timer.
The better the breaks, the deeper the dents on the back bumper.
I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
That moment when you’ve changed your answer in an exam in the very last second and later you realize the original answer was correct.
Dog dictionary
a.
Toilet bowl: A heavenly dispenser of nice, fresh water.
b.
Hearing: A variable skill.
Its intensity depends on whether it applies to a fridge door opening half a mile away behind three closed doors, or whether your own name is being shouted in an angry way or in a way that threatens Vet (see Vet).
c.
Garbage bin/bag: Source of food.
Spread contents over as wide an area as possible.
d.
Drooling: When humans are eating, drooling can be a very effective food-producing skill.
For best results, drool must be gotten onto the humans’ trousers/skirt.
Use also for fun – when driving in a car with humans, place head between two humans in the front seat.
Drool gently and in great volume on their arms/shoulders.
Rejoice at effects.
e.
Resting place: Anything, really.
White, freshly vacuumed surfaces with good capacity for getting hair stuck to it are best.
f.
Sofa: See resting place.
Also serves as napkin after particularly satisfying meals (see Roadkill).
g.
Vet: Satan, the Destroyer of Worlds, Bringer of Woe, Remover of Testicles.
h.
Leash: A device allowing you to lead your human to a place you desire.
Excellent for muscle-building exercise.
i.
Bicycle: Very good cardio equipment.
If you find the exercise/the rider too slow for you, you can increase its speed by running even closer to the vehicle and barking.
It will pick up its pace very satisfyingly.
j.
Fireworks: A sure sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end and the reign of Vets (see Vet) is beginning.
k.
Sniffing: A polite way of showing interest in the creature you are meeting.
With dogs, rectal area is best.
When meeting humans, sniff the crotch.
l.
Roadkill: One of the most universal items you can find.
Can be used as food, deodorant or toy.
London Museum of Natural History just opened an exhibit on the Rolling Stones.
What do Amsterdam and Tour de France have in common?
Loads of people on drugs riding bikes.
What doesn’t kill you – makes me angry.
Just the British burning pointless documents from the EU.
It was dark last night when I heard the creak of a door and very silent footsteps. I look up to see my closet door is open – and see my very expensive coat going slowly out of fashion.“
A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, “So how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?”
“Well, doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my step-daughter.
When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her and they eventually married. So my step-daughter became my step-mother. Then my wife gave birth to our son who of course was my father’s brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my step-daughter was my step-mother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my step-mother, is my grandmother and I am her grandson. But that’s not everything, because I’m married to my step-grandmother, I’m not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that’s enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn’t you agree?”
Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?
-
Why?
-
It looks like it caught a virus.
While I was walking down the street, I tried to pass a senior.
I went left then he went left. I went right then he went right.
Then he said: that's like in the old days. I just wanted to go to the toilet and the ladies thought I would like to dance.
”What did Jasmin rice say to Asian vegetables?
-
Don't you wok away from me!
Why won’t Christmas trees stand up straight?
-
Well, they don’t have legs.
I was addicted to soap for 5 years. I just had to use it, every day, in the shower, at the sink… sometimes even at work... But now I’m finally clean.
What brand of car does an Egg drive?
_
A Yolkswagen
An English lord calls in his butler, “William, kill that fly at the window for me, please.”
“Why, sir?”
“I’d like to be alone.”
An American calls his Russian friend, “Ilya, I just saw on TV that you have this horrible cold wave, are you OK?”
Ilya replies, “Yeah, sure, we’re fine, it’s not that cold…”
American: “But they said you have like -40 F over there!”
Ilya: “Nah, it’s more like 5, that’s normal for a winter.”
American: “Are you sure? They were showing totally frozen trees, roads covered in ice…”
Ilya: “Ah I get it! You mean outside!!”
A bored customs officer at a border asks a driver, “Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol?”
The driver is confused, “Er… coffee, please?”
Has anybody noticed how we’ve replaced the doffing of the hat with taking out the earbuds when we meet someone?
At a press conference:
“Mr. Bush, is it true that you have proof that Iraq owns nuclear weapons?”
“Yes, we have the receipts.”
I wonder, is there a Christian rock band called AC/BC?
I dated a tennis player but I’ll never make such a mistake again.
Love has zero meaning to them.
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
How many real men do you need to change a lightbulb?
None. Real men ain’t afraid of the dark.
How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.
How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb?
And how many can you afford?
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over half-way.
How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Five. One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room starts going round and round.“
So how was summer in Alaska?”
“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunk on both days.”
That awkward moment when you’re making out with your girlfriend and you tell her that you are getting hard for her and suddenly Grandpa storms in the room and shouts: “No, little boy, you’re not hard! Only the war makes you hard!”
Doctor: “I am very, very sorry. We accidentally removed your testicles.”
-
Patient: “You did what???!!! What do I do without them?!”
-
Doctor: “Would you like to file a complaint, madam?”
If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.
There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.
My husband came home from work today and asked why it’s not tidy when I’ve been home the whole day.
I asked him how come we’re not rich when he’s been at work the whole day.
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