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The Delightful List of Jokes

The best first: To all those people who don't know what real panic is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
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These jokes really tickled our fancy - and our funny bone! Enjoy our selection of the quirky, the weird and the great alike and laugh as loud as you wish - we won't judge!


 Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
 
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up. Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.
Two bears are observing an approaching group of knights in shiny armors.
 
“Ah well,” sighs one of them, “canned lunch it is.”
Getting fat wasn’t my intention. It was a pure and clear snaccident.
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
 
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
 
“What?”
 
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
 
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”
A boy and a girl kissed and hugged in a public swimming pool. Guess who needed 5 minutes longer to get out of the water?

Honey, somebody vomited in my favorite mug.
-
Come on! I made lentil soup for you!

My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.
Husband: “Do you want some fries, honey?”
-
Wife: “No, they just make me fat.”
-
*** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly. ***
What’s the difference between a running and a flying mouse?
 
The flying one has a hawk attached to its back.

Breaking news: Yesterday morning, terrorists occupied the strategically placed Jameson whiskey distillery in Dublin. They still haven’t been able to formulate their demands.
What does it mean when there’s a black flag hanging out on a company building?

They’re advertising an unexpected vacancy.
What’s the difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?
-
One is an optical illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds, shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all alone?”
Some people see “Buy two beers, get three!”
I see “Buy eight beers, get twelve!”
Father is giving his son some life advice.

Father: “If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”

Son: “And what does that mean?”

Father: “You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”

Son: “And cautious?”

Father: “Never make any promises.”
What sign has probably never been made in Braille?

“Danger, do not touch.”
What do you get on the ocean surface in really gentle wind?

Microwaves.
Little Johnny comes home from school and says, “We did a test today mom, and I only answered one question wrong.”

Mommy says, “Oh, nice, so you got a good mark, right?”

Little Johnny replies, “Not really. I didn’t answer the other questions at all.”
Motivation Joke
Why does a French airport strike always have to last a few days?
 
So that people can distinguish between a strike and a regular delay.
If somebody calls you ugly, you can just say, “You’ve mistaken me for your mirror again, didn’t you?
“Captain, we ran out of ice cubes!”
-
Captain: “I have an idea. Machine room: 10 degrees starboard!”

(True story of the Titanic)
College is really just kidnapping done backwards.

If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back.”
Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book.

Inside of a dog, it’s far too dark to read.
In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to me. 
Do you know the difference between a living room and a bathroom?

- [No] -

No? Oh, I don’t even want to know what your place looks like.
A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”

The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”
 I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.
The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.
Hearing all the „work from home” recommendations, my neighbor was not amused.
   
Her husband is a pathologist.
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
What should you call an absolutely average potato?

A commentator.
If you can't decide between running and eating chocolate, run to the store for some chocolate.
I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.
My great grandfather’s been to the Titanic. He was warning the people that it was going to sink right from the start. But nobody paid attention.

Great gramps persevered, but everybody refused to listen.

He kept trying and trying, but all it got him was getting kicked out of the cinema.
2 robbers break into Ikea at night. Once they’re back again in the car, they compare their loot:

What’ve you got?
-
Candles, some napkins and this little pencil.
-
Darn it, me too.
That awkward moment when your friend told you their dog died, and, without thinking, you say, “Oh no, that must have been ruff…”
Patient: “So, doc, what’s my diagnosis?”

Doctor: “Hmm… I don’t know how to say this…”

Patient: “Just say it…”

Doctor: “OK what’s your star sign?”

Patient: “Come on! How can that be relevant?”

Doctor: “Just humor me.”
 
Patient: „OK, my star sign is cancer.”

Doctor: „See, that there is no coincidence.”

Patient: … 
New Joke Gas Station
How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.
A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.
Why did the crab cross the road?
-
Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
-
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
-
Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.
What do you get if you crossbreed a cute Easter rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny.
Would you fight a dinosaur?

No way, are you crazy?

Good choice, cause you'd get jurass kicked.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
-
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”

The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”

A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”

A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
A guy is diving in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly he sees another diver, but without any equipment.

He wonders how he does that since he’s already dived quite deep. A minute later he sees he’s gone even deeper underwater.

He thinks, “Wow, that’s impressive”. He swims closer to the guy and writes him a message on his underwater writing board: “How do you manage to dive without equipment for so long?”

The other diver writes back: “I’m drowning you cretin. Help me!”
What did the question mark say to the period?
-
A: How are you not bleeding?
A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.

A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.

 A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.

In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.

 “Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
 
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”
Did you pass the driving test?
-
No I didn't.
-
Why not?
-
I overtook another driver.
-
Why would that mean you didn’t pass the test?
-
Well the other driver was a ghost driver.
***Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

 The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
A duck walks into a bar.

 It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?”

Bartender: “No.”

Duck: “Do you have bread?”
-
Bartender: “NO!”
-
Duck: “Do you…”

Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!”

Duck: “Do you have nails?”

Bartender: “NO!”

Duck: “Do you have bread?”
Why does a room crowded with happy couples seem so empty?
-
There’s literally not a single person in there.
How to embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a used tampon and ask him to determine which period it came from.
God finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth, with darkness and light taking turns. He looked upon it and saw that it was good. An angel asked him admiringly, “Amazing! What now, Lord?”
“Hm,” said the Lord, “I think I’m gonna call it a day.”
Would you cheat on your wife?

On whom else would I be cheating?!
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.

There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"

I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.

As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."
Of all the dogs, a Hot Dog is the nicest; it feeds the hand that bites it.
Two boys are walking outside and one of them finds a hundred dollar bill.
 
His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office.
 
The boy replies: “No point. This is my mom’s money.”
 
His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?”
 
“Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.

When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.

 On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.

In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'

‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'

'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'
An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
-
Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunk.
 A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
-
The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
-
But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
-
"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
Chief surgeon comes across a young doctor just leaving the operating room and claps him on the shoulder, “So, how was your first operation, Noel?”

The young doctor turns bright red and stammers, “Um… operation? I thought it was an autopsy?”
Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.
My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.
I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.
Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
 
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
A fluffy bunny walks along a lovely meadow when suddenly a big bear’s head peeks through the grass and asks, “Do you shed, Bunny?”
-
The fluffy bunny proudly smiles, “No, no I don’t.”
-
The bear reaches for the fluffy bunny, with one swift stroke wipes his behind with it and nods, “But you stink real bad!”
An elderly couple talk in the evening:

“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“And that helps?”

“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
-
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
-
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
-
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
-
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
-
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
-
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
-
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
-
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
-
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
-
Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Computer parts talk to one another:

“Look, I’m like the human brain,” says the microchip.
-
“Oh yeah, and I am like the eye,” says the web cam.
“Wow, I never thought about it but I am like a mouth,” says the speaker.
-
“Alright, let’s change the subject, shall we,” says the USB port.
Father to his daugter: “Sandy, a young man came to see me today and asked for your hand in marriage.”

Daughter: “And? Did you say yes, daddy?”

Father: “You know princess, he seemed like a really nice fella, so I changed his mind.”
Water starts boiling at 212 F. But do you know when milk starts boiling?
 
The second you leave it for a little while.
So I’m sitting on a bus and a guy rushes out and seems to have forgotten his hat on his seat.
-
The door’s just about to close but I just make it in time to throw his hat out to him.
-
Now I have to sit through two more stops trying to ignore some very angry stares from the guy who actually owned the hat.
I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

 I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
 
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"
Three guys are discussing which profession was the first in history.

The Mason claims, “Masons were the first. Without us, there’d be no houses.”
-
The baker argues, “No, no, people ate bread before they had houses. We were the first.”
-
The electrician smiles, “Wait a sec. Wasn’t the first thing God said ‘Let there be light?’”
Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
 “But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, did you like the play?”
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal? It’s not the end of the world.
I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.
They say money doesn't bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
I’m really lazy in the mornings. I mean, going out of the shower to go to the toilet and then back in?

 That’s just too much time and effort. And with a bit of patience, the water will carry the little pile away without any remains.
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
“So, Mr. Tweedly, do you sleep by an open window, like I recommended?” a doctor checks with his patient.

“I do, doc, just like you told me.”

“And those coughs have disappeared now?”

“Not really, no, so far the only things to disappear were my cellphone and notebook.”
My children kept making fun of my sense of direction. It got a bit too much after half an hour so I just got up and right.
What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
-
Sign language.
I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running.

But it was just my lungs.
My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine.
His faith didn’t shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.
Coal Geek Joke
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.

In the middle of the night a boy comes running into his parent’s bedroom, “Dad, dad, I can’t sleep, there’s a man in my room!”
-
Daddy looks at the boy and says, “Come on, why you waked us up – if I come to your room now and there’s a scary guy then I won’t be able to sleep.”
“Does the defendant plead guilty or not guilty?”

“Not guilty.”

“Do you have some alibi?”

“What’s an alibi?”

“Has somebody seen you at the time of the robbery?”

“Oh, nobody, thank God.”
I heard people say you can’t live without love.
-
I still think oxygen ranks higher.
There’s no pleasing my wife. She said, could I clear the table. Though I haven’t done much sports lately, I managed with a good reserve of 2 inches and she wasn’t even happy.
Lenin has never been seen drinking black tea. He firmly stuck to fruit blends. He believed all proper tea is immoral.
Funny Seafood Pun
How come there’s so much month left at the end of the money?
A question on an internet forum:

Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.
-
Answer: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
Q: Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna hasn’t got one at all. What is it?

A: A surname.
A rushed tourist, panting loudly, covered in sweat, stops at a small house where an old guy sits in a rocking chair on the porch and asks him, “I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what’s the fastest way to get to the train station?”

“Ah yeah, no problem,” smiles the grandpa, “let me just untie the dogs.”
Q: What is the difference between a German and a Sicilian insurance company?

A: In the German insurance company, they tell you with considerable precision how many people are going to die next year.
In the Sicilian one, they can even give you their names.
The Boy Scouts called and said they cannot keep my son because he’s constantly lying and that goes against their core moral principles.

I told them they should give him a medal instead, because I never had children. I
 went with my baby to the doctor. The doctor examined it and started mumbling that it doesn't look good. I was worried and asked him what was wrong with my baby. He said it’s totally fine, it just doesn't look good.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
It was a lovely day so I decided I’d try playing Frisbee with my dog at the park.

I really tried, for two hours at least, but there’s no arguing with physics. My dog would have to be much flatter for it to work.
We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.
Why was there a special meeting over at the United Nations when your mom dropped the plate at Thanksgiving?
 
Because it meant that Turkey crashed, there was an uncontrolled territorial expansion of Greece and China totally shattered to pieces.
A new guy comes in a dorm late in the evening with his luggage and a buddy shows him around.

They come to a large gong in the hallway and the new guy asks what it’s doing there. “That’s a talking clock,” explains the buddy. “How so?”

“Let me demonstrate,” says the buddy and bangs the gong loudly.

 In a second, a voice comes from one of the rooms, yelling, “Are you out of your head you rectum-faced orang-utan?! It’s nearly midnight!”
Yo girl, I put sexy in dyslexia!

A boy is getting desperate with a girl he has a crush on: “What can I give you so you would allow me to kiss you?!”
 
“A full narcosis.”
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish guy?
 
None at all.
Doctor smiles at his patient, “That cough of yours sounds much better now, Mr. Pickett.”
-
Mr. Pickett looks at him darkly, “No wonder it does, I was practicing a lot.”
HR lady asks an applicant, “If you fast forward five years into the future, where do you see yourself, Mr. Ingram?"
-
Mr. Ingram nods, "To be very honest, I think listening is definitely my weakest spot."
Two colleagues are coming back from lunch, taking a short cut through a back alley, when suddenly they’re stopped by a masked robber with a gun who demands all their money or their life.

They both get out their wallets without protests, when one of them gasps, “Jimbo, I completely forgot that I still owe you 100 dollars! There you go!”
Son comes in from outside, stops just behind the house door and yells, “Moooooooom!!!!”
-
His mother screams in frustration from the first floor, “I’ve had enough of this constant hollering. If you’ve got something to say, come and say it to me in person, don’t just yell like that!”
-
The boy obediently walks through the hall, up the stairs and into his mom’s room and says, “Look mom, I stepped in dog’s doo doo!”
I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…
The next time you go out with your friends into a fancy bar, just yell, “The next round is on myself.” Some idiot will shout, “No, it's on me!”
I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.

It’s really unjust that he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least he’ still a few dollars in the black compared to having bought all that at the cinema.
Moses was leading his people across the dessert to the promised land for 40 years.

This was possibly the start of the saying that men refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Little Johnny’s already been expelled from many schools because of his bad marks and mean behavior. His dad is out of his wits and finally decides to put him in a catholic school. And all of a sudden, Little Johnny starts bringing home straight As and glowing behavior reports. His daddy is shocked and asks him what changed.

“You know dad,” says Little Johnny, “I come to our classroom – there’s a guy nailed to the wall. I go to another room – a guy nailed to the wall. Third room – same, a guy nailed to the wall. Dad, they’re not messing about there!”
Chuck Norris don't use pick-up lines. He only says, “Come!”
Our marriage is – over.
-
Our marriage is what?
-
Never give Walkie-Talkies as wedding gift!

Two neighbors are talking:

The first one says, “Joe, you really need to get yourself some curtains. I could see everything you were doing with your wife yesterday.”
-
The second one replies, “And you really need to get yourself some glasses. That was your wife.”

A venomous snake bites a guy.
-
His friend screams, “Oh no, you’ve only got 10 minutes to live! This is a brutally venomous snake!”
-
The guy says, “Ok, call the doctor and make it bite me again and again so I can gain some time!”

A pessimist sees he’s gone bald.
 
An optimist sees he’s greatly improved his aerodynamic qualities.
Why was Adam the happiest guy ever?

Because Eve didn’t have a mother.
“I have a weakness for you,” she said to the little baby, stroking its smooth cheek.

“And I have social anxiety.”

“And I acne,” joined in the other two fairy godmothers gathered around the crib.
Q: How did the copper wire come about?

A: Two Scotsmen couldn’t agree whose penny it was.
Q: Why is the hour-hand on a clock usually somewhat thicker?

A: Less movement.
On paper, communism sounds like a pretty good idea.

Unless what you’re reading is an actual history book.
I hit some low times, but I won’t let that stop me from throwing parties. And we’re not having any box-wine, thank you. It will be a lovely cardbordeaux.
Q: What is a surefire way to make a small fortune in a casino?
 
A: You invest a large fortune.
“Fred, something happened to me yesterday. Something that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy!”

“Oh no, what happened?!”

“I won ten million bucks!!!!!”
When does a car stop being a car?
-
The second it turns into a driveway.
A wife comes home in the morning and tells the husband that she spent the night at her best friend’s. The husband then calls 10 of her best friends and finds out she didn’t spend the night in any of their homes.

A husband comes home in the morning and tells the wife he spent the night at his best friend’s. The wife calls 10 of his best friends and finds out he spent the night at 7 of them while the other 3 swear he’s still sleeping on the couch.
A wife comes home and the husband asks her where she’d been so long.

“At a beauty parlor,” replies the wife. The husband looks at her closely, “Well, it’s the effort that counts.”
We spent a month on holiday and it only rained twice! First for ten days, then for nineteen.
I wonder if Kevin Bacon movies are banned in Muslim countries?
Joke for mothers:

When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor.

When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it.

When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
“A vodka please!”

“Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright. McVodka then.”
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”

“Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she invites the children to ask her some questions.

Kevin raises his hand and says, “I have three questions, Mrs. Clinton.

1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lust?

2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?

3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?

Suddenly the bell rings for break and the children run about their business. After the break they come back and the Q and A period resumes. Joel raises his hand and says, “I have five questions, Mrs. Clinton.

1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lust?

2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?

3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?

4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes earlier?

5. Where is Kevin?
You can’t beat Scottish summer.

Best early August Wednesday afternoon you’ll ever experience.
Ah, when it comes to cliffhanger endings, I always say,
Personal financial situation: Just finished rinsing a few paper cups.
 Facebook is much like a fridge. You visit every 10 minutes, even though you know there’s nothing worth it in there.
I’m a superb multitasker. I’ve no problem wasting time, money and life’s opportunities all at the same time!
Mr. and Mrs. Blane are going to the theater. They’re waiting at the cashdesk and finally there’s only one couple in front of them. The man says to the cashier, “Tristan and Isolde. Two tickets, please.”
Mr. Blane waits his turn and says to the cashier, “Harlan and m’lovely wife Jennys. Two tickets also, please.”
An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.

Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty dollars’ and you make a pause.

 If the customer looks OK, you continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”
Legalize mrahi…. Legalize marrrhi…. Legalize pot!
 So when did you start working for this company?
 
The moment they told me I have to pick up my performance or I’m history.
Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?
Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.
An American businessman comes to a Swiss bank in Zurich with a suitcase, shades and a shifty expression.

“I’d like to deposit some money, please.”

“Excellent, sir. How much would you like to deposit?”

The guy whispers, “Four million.”

The clerk smiles kindly, “No need to whisper, sir. In Switzerland, there’s no shame to being a bit poor.”
America: If your country has oil, it badly needs peace and freedom.
For an embarrassingly long time I'd ben putting golf balls in the same category as athlete’s foot.
She was crying.

He sat down by her.

He gently wiped away her tears.

Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.
Here’s my step ladder. I’ve never met my biological ladder.
What do you get when you crossbreed a homing pigeon and a parrot?
 
A homing pigeon who stops to ask for directions.
I think my wife is cheating on me.
 
She said she’s going for a run – but there’s nothing on her Instagram!
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
Funny Funeral Surprise
If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no 'we' in chips.
That moment when you add twenty one products into your basket but then you decide to shop on another web site because you're unhappy that they charge five dollars sending fee.
“Mrs. Riddiwinkle, what made you just toss your husband’s body into a garbage container when you found him dead?!”
 
“Well… he’s always been insisting he wants nothing fancy by way of a funeral…”
There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?

A: About two days of no drinking.
The wife sighs contentedly at the dinner table, “I’m no Michelin star chef, but there are two things I really excel at and that's meatloaf and strudel!”

The husband inspects the contents of his plate and asks, “And which of those is this?”

Last week’s Clairvoyants Associated meeting was cancelled for unpredictable reasons.
A guy loses an argument against his older sister and tells her she’s adopted.
-
The sister smirks, “Yeah, well at least they wanted me.”
”Rickie, I hate being a virgin. I’m 21 and the only entity I’ve slept with is an open window!
My husband told me I should put a bit more salt in the stew next time.

I’m torn now whether to tell him that it was actually leftover dog food that I’d put in the fridge.
Being British means driving your German car to an Irish pub to have a Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way home where you rest on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
A true Englishman can actually differentiate at least 805 shades of grey.
The European Commission discovered another inequality – women are on average shorter than men.

They established a sub-committee that vowed to do away with this gender discrimination by 2025.
“Mr. Somniac, do you think the Americans could influence Russian elections?”

“Hardly. Not even Russian voters are capable of that.”
Being a mom is awesome! You wake up in the morning, make yourself some coffee – and in the evening you sit down and drink it in peace and quiet.
My horrible neighbor would never reveal her true age. But there are some subtle clues, for instance she has a miniature from Vincent Van Gogh instead of a photo in her passport, and a signed copy of the Bible.
In books, there hides great knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; corruption is a crime; crime doesn't pay... basically, if you keep on reading, you’ll end up a beggar.
My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was.

So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away.

Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
My horrible neighbor would never reveal her true age. But there are some subtle clues, for instance she has a miniature from Vincent Van Gogh instead of a photo in her passport, and a signed copy of the Bible.
The only scenario where you really need a land line today is when you’re trying to find your smartphone.
Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.
If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.
Well, Johnny, what did you get your Grandma for her birthday?”
“A baseball.”

“Johnny, what were you thinking?! Grandma doesn’t play baseball!”

“So? She got me some books for my last birthday.”
Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.
Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must have been around 8 or 11 feet tall.
Help a woman when she’s in trouble.

She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.
They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?
My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.

If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.
A little girl is praying, “Dear Lord, please provide enough warm clothes for all the impoverished ladies in daddy’s computer…”
(At career day with parents)

“Well, Miss Green, he’s no good for a trade, that’s for sure… Could he at least do some college?”
Q: The harder you hit me, the greater I become. What am I?
-
A: A crater.
The North Koreans are real aces at geometry.

And no wonder – they have the Supreme Ruler.
Teacher: “Whoever can tell me some actual fact about the history of the 1700s will get an A.”
-
Little Johnny: “Everybody from that time is now dead.”
I heard a midget got pickpocketed on our street the other day. I don’t understand how anybody can stoop so low.
There are many things in life that give me great joy. For instance cooking my children and ignoring commas.
A cannibal who recently moved into civilization sees his friend walking down the street, carrying an urn.

“Wow, you even have instant meals here?!”
What’s the difference between a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The psychiatrist has the keys.
Multitask – mess up more things at once!
How many believers in telekinesis here? Raise that guy’s hand.
Artificial intelligence is very impressive but it’s got nothing on natural idiocy.
Grandpa, what is a pension?”
 
“A sad reminder of a wage.”
Three little pigs are sitting huddled in their little house, shivering with fear.

After much huffing and puffing, the door finally gives in and smashes and in walks the wolf.

“Shalom,” he greets the three little pigs.

“Oooof…,” sigh the three little pigs in relief.
Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces. Like when I go to the bar and I’m afraid they’ll be closed.
Scientists have proven that men are brighter than women. They found out that
where a man thinks, a women has a hole.
I have a great fear of choking, but the worst possible time to choke is probably when you’re playing charades.
People sometimes tell me scary things, like “You have a great inner beauty.” I’m just thinking: “Stay away from my kidneys.”
Comrade President, our people are dying of hunger!”

“Release a statement we are radically reducing the number of people below poverty line!”
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
 
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
 
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
 
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
April 1st. The only day in the year when media articles are viewed with some suspicion.
Bulimia, plastic surgery, anorexia – all those are deeply personal, taboo subjects. But talk about botox? Nobody raises an eyebrow.
You can go anywhere you like; you must only look serious and carry a clipboard.
It may seem like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to disappear.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to turn into a conservative, without having to change a single idea.
"Hello? Am I speaking to the Lost and Found?"

"No, this is the oncology department. So more of a Found and Lost."
Q: Why do prisons only use microfiber pillows and bedcovers?

A: Because they fear the Icarization of prisoners.
The better the breaks, the deeper the dents on the back bumper.
London Museum of Natural History just opened an exhibit on the Rolling Stones.
What do Amsterdam and Tour de France have in common?

Loads of people on drugs riding bikes.
What doesn’t kill you – makes me angry.
Global warming?

Just the British burning pointless documents from the EU.
It was dark last night when I heard the creak of a door and very silent footsteps. I look up to see my closet door is open – and see my very expensive coat going slowly out of fashion.“
A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, “So how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?”

“Well, doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my step-daughter.

When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her and they eventually married. So my step-daughter became my step-mother. Then my wife gave birth to our son who of course was my father’s brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my step-daughter was my step-mother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my step-mother, is my grandmother and I am her grandson. But that’s not everything, because I’m married to my step-grandmother, I’m not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that’s enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn’t you agree?”
An English lord calls in his butler, “William, kill that fly at the window for me, please.”

“Why, sir?”

“I’d like to be alone.”
An American calls his Russian friend, “Ilya, I just saw on TV that you have this horrible cold wave, are you OK?”

Ilya replies, “Yeah, sure, we’re fine, it’s not that cold…”

American: “But they said you have like -40 F over there!”

Ilya: “Nah, it’s more like 5, that’s normal for a winter.”

American: “Are you sure? They were showing totally frozen trees, roads covered in ice…”

Ilya: “Ah I get it! You mean outside!!”
A bored customs officer at a border asks a driver, “Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol?”

The driver is confused, “Er… coffee, please?”
Hilarious Pragmatic Cook
Has anybody noticed how we’ve replaced the doffing of the hat with taking out the earbuds when we meet someone?
At a press conference:

“Mr. Bush, is it true that you have proof that Iraq owns nuclear weapons?”

“Yes, we have the receipts.”
I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever, wherever, and know they deserved it.
I wonder, is there a Christian rock band called AC/BC?
I dated a tennis player but I’ll never make such a mistake again.

Love has zero meaning to them.
A Russian military team is flying towards Chechnya at the height of the conflict.

The team leader is instructing his men, "Guys, for every Chechnian head you'll get a bottle of vodka!"

The plane lands, soldiers burst out of the doors without waiting for anything else and come back in a few minutes, each dragging a few heads.

The leader is awaiting them all pale and sweaty: "Guys, this was just a layover in Kyev!"
How many real men do you need to change a lightbulb?
 
None. Real men ain’t afraid of the dark.
How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.
Q: How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb?
 
A: And how many can you afford?
How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
 
Five. One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room starts going round and round.“
So how was summer in Alaska?”

“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunk on both days.”
My husband came home from work today and asked why it’s not tidy when I’ve been home the whole day.

I asked him how come we’re not rich when he’s been at work the whole day.




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