user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
New funny categories: Perspective jokes
and Cat jokes
A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. Spaghetti
being spaghetti, the woman drops some tomato sauce on her frilly white
top. "Oh will you look at that! I’m such a pig!"
The man nods
from his risotto, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
right behind you.
I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they had to cover it up with
a big leaf.What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their
I missed you this morning.You could
view the huge cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…New categories:
Jokes to Tell | Dry Jokes
Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all
different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?" - The wife hisses
from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.Ironing board.
A surf board which
gave up on its dreams and went to work.I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal
With Life’s Disappointments”.
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.
New Jokes Categories:
Anti Jokes | Double Meaning Jokes
| Tell me a JokeA man walks into a police station and
announces, “My wife’s gone missing.” - The police officer says, “OK
sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?” - The man
replies, “Since about a month ago.” - The police officer is shocked,
“What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!” - “Well… I’ve
no clothes to put on anymore.”New Jokes Special:
16 Jokes for People Who Need a Smile
Life is full of little treasures. For instance, is there a better way to
start your day than waking up in a loving embrace of another human
Unless you’re in prison, of course.
A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my
eyesight is really worsening.”
The doctor asks the man to come and
look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and
"I see the Sun," answer the man.
The doctor turns to
him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”
News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid
recently. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s
Do you have any goals for the future?”
really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.
sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your
goals for the future?”
The rooster replies darkly, “To beat up that
What is the worst combination of illnesses? - Alzheimer’s and
diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.
2 robbers break into Ikea at night. Once they’re back again in the car, they
compare their loot:
What’ve you got? - Candles, some napkins
and this little pencil. - Darn it, me too.
A man is reading his
newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about
how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”
New Joke Category: Senior JokesOne
shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that
you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?
Think about it –
wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?My son Luke loves that we chose
Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister
Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.At the
restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?” - The
customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.” The boss
asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?” - The employee explains,
“Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”Patient: “So, doc,
what’s my diagnosis?”
Doctor: “Hmm… I don’t know how to say this…”
Patient: “Just say it…”
Doctor: “OK what’s your star sign?”
Patient: “Come on! How can that be relevant?”
Doctor: “Just humor
Patient: „OK, my star sign is cancer.”
„See, that there is no coincidence.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.
immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash binA Texan tourist
stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does
it get out in a day?”Two men walk in the jungle. One has a
gun on his back and the other one a big rock. The one with the rock asks the
other man, “Why do you have a gun on your back?”
The guy replies,
“When a wild animal comes, I can defend myself. And what about you, why the
The guy with the rock smiles proudly, “When a wild animal
comes, I can throw the rock away and run much faster!”
ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a
suppository in your ear!”
“It looks like
you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat,
well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”Why do
monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit
hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I
won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!” - She asks:
“Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?” - Man beams: “I
don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go for a walk.
a crow flew past my window. Backwards.
My date last night was really awesome.
We had a definite spark and
pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet.
At the Dead Sea.
– Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the
love of my life…
– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take
away?” - The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?” - Little
Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15
years now.” - “Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”New category: Good
Jokes | New Shower Thought (check it out) My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all
her clothes off.
So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with my skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I
did that, she said, “Now my bra and the panties.”
I took them off.
She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”
These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks. -
Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.
We added lots of jokes into the Dad Jokes
section (check it out).
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week,
darling. How do you think we should celebrate?” - Husband: “With a
minute of silence.”
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already
cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes
up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”
“My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died,
simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
Q: What is it: “Three in the office but only one works.” - A: Two
state clerks and a running ventilator.
What’s the difference between BOOM! AAAaargh! And AAAaaargh! BOOM!?
- The difference is whether you’re
falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.
Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries? - Insanitea Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water? - And more
importantly, where is my hamster?
I made a
beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy
owner of aisle 7.
– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
– Really? I have the exact opposite.
– Wow, seriously?
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee. New category: Funny idioms
Last words of a skydiver? - Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!!
I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket:
You can hide, bro, but you can't run.Give a man a fish and
you will feed him for the day. - Teach a man to fish and he’s going to
spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer. - “I’m
going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would
hold a seminar like that at this hour?!” - The man sighs, “my wife.” A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he
whispers to her. - “Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious. -
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.” Eva asks Adam
in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?” - “Sure thing,
baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”
Bridget asks her
son Paul, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?” - “A bit of both,
actually,” replies the teenager. - “How do you mean that?” asks the puzzled
Bridget. - “I’d say you’re pretty ugly.” What’s
a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman? -
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s
getting worse. What can I do? - Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness,
unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD
that you owe me?
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East,
we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8
New category: Corny Jokes
We added: New Puns |
New Black Humor Jokes| New Dad Jokes
"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet
got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT
getting a period ever!"
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet? - Of course I did,
otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s
the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
An ant is walking down the road. A cow comes along and splats him with a
huge cowpat. Bam! The ant takes three hours digging itself out from
underneath all that poop. When finally does, he shakes his fist, “Damn it,
straight in the eye!”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut
up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and
“omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about
her underwear disappearing from her clothes line. - I can tell you I
nearly shit her pants.
What method of contraception do you use?
I’m always really nice and
- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a
child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!”
“You see how horribly
long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”
Would you cheat on your wife?
On whom else would I be cheating?!
A man well into his seventies asks his wife: "Mary, doesn’t it make you sad
when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?" - "Not in
the least, Peter,” replies Mary, “our dog chases cars all the time and
there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!"
A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“ - “Of course
not!” replies the lady. - “Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use
New joke category:
One Liners | Geek Jokes
| Thanksgiving Jokes
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there,
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll
have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their language
totally out of tattoo symbols.
Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got
a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.
cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”
“What?! The guy told me he was
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I
made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it
was very nice of them.
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt
across the floor?
A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in
Uzbekistan when suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives, smashes into the
tower and tumbles down to certain death.
Shortly afterwards, a
second hang-glider does exactly the same.
The horrified tourist turns
to the local guide, asking what on Earth just happened.
shrugs, “You know how it is. Poor country, poor terrorists.”
One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that
enormous shit they are together again. - What? Who are you talking
about? - My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
Mom at a dentist:
“Now please darling, open up nicely for the doctor
so he can take his hand out!”
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking
in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on,
it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go
to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20
years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
“NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy
life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains. - The
instructions say he can also bring one friend. - But when he arrives,
he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the
heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!” - "Yeah,
but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because
lemon goes very well with fish.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? - Oh Harry, that would be
lovely! - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on
your way back?
Mobile - Update Tablet – Update Laptop - Update TV – Update
Gaming console – Update
Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first
aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all
that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he
knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me
that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re
drinking MY beer!“
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk
bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to
reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body
after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start
sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that
would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he
would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!” - “I thought they didn’t send monkeys to
space anymore?” - “Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”
did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert
Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the
A question on an internet forum:
Please help, I have this great
itching between my toes. - Answer: Well, that depends. If the itching is
between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only
between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at
the end. I
wish I never tried it on in the first place.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
- Your fingernails.
>> I love to help in those online Q&A
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often when I
vacuum their rooms.
New category: Fun Facts
| Dad Jokes
A smoothie. The miracle of selling somebody a peach and a banana for $5.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would
you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you notice the guy in front of you in the "10
items maximum" express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness! -
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict? - Bishop:
It is the 16th, though.
A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an
A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been
arrested is called a lawyer. New category: Cat Jokes |
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her
without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last
night on her computer.
They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years
running. The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if
there was nobody home.
That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping
popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get
it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.
Joke for mothers:
When your first child eats some earth, a bit of
grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some
earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When
your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder
whether it still needs lunch.
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two,
punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing
the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them
mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going
to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog
stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it,
and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own
bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.
It’s really unjust that
he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least
he’ still a few dollars in the black compared to having bought all that at
The phrase “We can still be friends” is like saying “Yeah, the dog died –
but you can have it stuffed!
”Rickie, I hate being a virgin. I’m 21 and the only entity I’ve slept with
is an open window!
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his
son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just
remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is
going to come and live with you and your family."
Why did the crab cross the road? - Actually, it never did. It used the
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around
the house for days.
Wife asks her husband: “Did you like the dinner today?“ - Husband
replies: “Really, Shirley? Why are you always trying to pick a fight?”
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one
claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely
find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
Because it’s really time consuming.
How many psychologists do you need to change a lightbulb?
and how many do YOU think?
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth
waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do you vegans feel the same
when you mow the grass?“
That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of meat from between your
teeth and end up looking like you’re having facial spasms.
Three men are riding on just one motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The
policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just
continue driving past. The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We
can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?” - “No, how?” -
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes
New category: Pirate
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an
insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something
I found the perfect new super hero name for me: Irony Man
Are you feeling all alone? - Put on a good horror movie and switch
off all the lights, that alone feeling will soon go away.
Important note from a car manual:
Backing rapidly at a tree
significantly reduces your trunk space.
“A vodka please!”
“Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.”
alright. McVodka then.”
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?” - “No, not a
soul, actually.” - “Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and