New Jokes

Newest first: Doctor: “You have 3 days to live.”
Man: “That's awesome! I’ll organize lots of parties and adrenalin-filled activities before I return to my regular dull, boring existence.”
Doctor: “Um, I think you got me wrong there.”
Our most popular catergories:
Sign saying new jokes
New Jokes 2023/2024

Perhaps you’ve been in this situation already? You’re on a date with a not-that-hot, not-that-fun guy and at the end of the evening he asks, “So, baby, your place or mine?”
Just answer: “Hey, I have an exciting idea. Let's do both!
You go to your place, and I go to mine.”Honey, do you think I'm fat?

Weeeell, let's put it this way: You're the greatest!

How to keep your rent constantly low?
Shoot out of the window once a week.
New: Halloween Jokes
Why did the surgeon not like the movie?
It was the uncut version.“
Doctor, I have problems with my eyesight.”

“Damn straight you do. This is a hot dog stand.”
New joke category: Jokes to Tell Your Dad
Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever: “Quit rattlin’ the ladder ya little hooligan!”
Iphone Joke
I tried one of those organic
deodorant stick. It said in the instructions:

1. Remove the cap

2. Push thumb up the bottom part for application.

It is very difficult to sit but my farts smell very nice now.
How many women were born in 2022?
None. Only baby girls and baby boys.“
What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.
Feeling adventurous? Go to a Walmart changing room and after five minutes start asking loudly where they keep the toilet paper!
I saw an ad recently: LASER HAIR REMOVAL. But come on, if you had laser hair, would you really want to remove them? No, you’d be starting world domination!

Magic is awesome. Do you know the name of the magical stick that makes men disappear?
The pregnancy stick.
A boy and a girl kissed and hugged in a public swimming pool. Guess who needed 5 minutes longer to get out of the water?
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
He never said to whom it belonged.
The boss said I should go home because I really don't look good.

I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just be offended.
It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl... I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound…
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

New funny categories: Quote Jokes
Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a luxury coffin. I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll need.”
I get all kinds of weird looks at the gym. Can’t they bring their own pizza?
Mom, can I get a brother?
Sorry, darling. The stork doesn’t bring us babies anymore.
Well then perhaps you can talk to another bird? 
Hey man, you look like crap!
Yes, I have a cold.
Jesus, AND you have a cold?!
I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they had to cover it up with a big leaf.
 What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?
I missed you this morning.
New categories: Jokes to Tell | Dry Jokes
To all those people who don't know what real panic is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
New category: The Delightful List of Jokes
Two men are talking, “So, how’s the new job?”
“Like paradise, really.”
“No kidding? How so?”
“I could get kicked out any day.”
Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…

Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!

Oh I know…
I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.
New Jokes Categories: Anti Jokes | Tell me a Joke
I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi, can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”

“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have changing rooms, right?”
New Joke Category: Senior Jokes
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
At a job Interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I take matters in my own hands.”
“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”
“No, I will contact you.”
The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.

He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin
A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”
Bear joke
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.

I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”
Two men talking on a bus:

“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
New category: Good Jokes | New Shower Thought
(check it out)
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
Funny Saying Ugly Man

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.
When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
Really? I have the exact opposite.
Wow, seriously?
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
Funny Joke Woman Lard

New category: Funny idioms
Last words of a skydiver?
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!!

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
Clock Dog Scrabble Cartoon
Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”
What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”
Cartoon Elephant Face Camel

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
We added: New Puns | New Black Humor Jokes| New Dad Jokes
"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
Nice To Women Joke

A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“
“Of course not!” replies the lady.
“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

New joke category: One Liners | Smart Jokes | Thanksgiving Jokes
In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
Joke Tatoo Chinese

Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
One friend to another:

I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are together again.
What? Who are you talking about?
My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious jogger!
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”
Self Defense Joke

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
Your fingernails.

>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
Ooooops Joke

New category: Fun Facts | Dad Jokes
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?

Do you eat too much?

Do you go to bed late?

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you notice the guy in front of you in the "10 items maximum" express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.
A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

New category: Redneck Jokes
New category: Clean Jokes
New category: Fart Jokes | Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes | Puns
New categories: Christmas jokes | Marriage Jokes
 I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.
That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.
“I’ve had enough of your constant demands. It's too much for me. I can't stand it anymore, it hurts!”
Fitness coach, “Come on man. It was just one push up.”
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
The phrase “We can still be friends” is like saying “Yeah, the dog died – but you can have it stuffed!
Wife asks her husband: “Did you like the dinner today?“
Husband replies: “Really, Shirley? Why are you always trying to pick a fight?”
Clock Time Consuming Humor

How many psychologists do you need to change a lightbulb?
Hm, and how many do YOU think?
Little Petra asks her dad at breakfast time, “Daddy, can you please teach me how to make eggs?”
Dad shakes his head, “Nope.”
“But why daddy? I want to learn!“
The dad winks at her, “I can’t teach you how to make eggs because I’m not a hen.”
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having facial spasms.
New joke category: Dog Jokes

New category: Pirate Jokes
Honey, do you find me very fat?

How do I put this, darling – I know four very fat people. And you’re two of them!
I clean five hours ahead before I have guests over, just to be able to say: “Sorry it's usually not this messy.” In reality, I’m seeing the floor for the first time in months.
Caller, “I’m hearing you real bad.”
Me (without changing anything), “Better now?”
Caller, “Yes.”
Daddy what's a transvestite?
Ask Mommy, he knows.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”


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