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New Jokes 2018 / 2017

Best first: One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
    
 new Jokes

New Jokes

 
Fresh and Funny!
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
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Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
We've added new jokes in these categories: Blonde Jokes| Kids Jokes| Mama Jokes| Funny Sayings

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”
New category: Corny Jokes

Tip, tap, tip, tap, who’s eating my lactose-free, vegan, gluten-free, bio, Fairtrade house?

– Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
 
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
We added: New Puns | New Black Humor Jokes| New Dad Jokes
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”
"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
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Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
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“No”, she replies sleepily.
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“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
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Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
 
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
 
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
What method of contraception do you use?
 
I’m always really nice and kind.
 
- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
Would you cheat on your wife?

On whom else would I be cheating?!
A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”
 
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.
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Come again? That’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!
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I said exchange it!!!
New joke category: One Liners | Geek Jokes | Thanksgiving Jokes
In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
 You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their language totally out of tattoo symbols.
Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
 
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
 
 I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?
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Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
One friend to another:

I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are together again.
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What? Who are you talking about?
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My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
 
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
 
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
 
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious jogger!
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
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The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
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But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
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"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
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Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.

Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
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Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
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Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update

Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
 
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

 I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
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“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
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“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now. 
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
A question on an internet forum:

Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I give up. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
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Your fingernails.

>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often when I vacuum their rooms.
New category: Fun Facts | Dad Jokes
A smoothie. The miracle of selling somebody a peach and a banana for $5.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you realize the guy in front of you in the “10 items maximum” express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
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Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
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Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with the skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”

I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”
New category: Cat Jokes | Redneck Jokes
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
New category: Fart Jokes | Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes | Puns
New categories: Christmas jokes | Marriage Jokes
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
 I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.
That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.
Joke for mothers:

When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.

It’s really unjust that he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least he’ still a few dollars in the black compared to having bought all that at the cinema.
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
 
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
Why did the crab cross the road?
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Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”

“Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?

A: About two days of no drinking.
New category: Prank Ideas / Practical jokes
Why do people never eat clocks?
 
Because it’s really time consuming.
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
Three men are riding on a motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past. The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
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“No, how?”
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“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes

New category: Pirate Jokes
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.
Important note from a car manual:

Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
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“No, not a soul, actually.”
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“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”


 


 
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