I hate my mood swings. They're great!
Honey, do you think I'm fat?
Weeeell, let's put it this way: You're the greatest!
How to keep your rent constantly low?
Shoot out of the window once a week.
The boss said I should go home because I really don't
I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just
It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl... I
had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday.
Wonderful listener, great looking... I gave him my number and winked at
him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting
to worry the poor guy is homeless.
“Have you got anything to drink?”
“I meant something harder?”
Mom, can I get a brother?
Sorry, darling. The stork doesn’t bring us babies anymore.
Well then perhaps you can talk to another bird?
What do people like to wear in England?
user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!
user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
New funny categories: Perspective
jokes and Cat jokes Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a
luxury coffin. I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll
Hey man, you look like crap!
Yes, I have a cold.
Jesus, AND you have a cold?!
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they
had to cover it up with a big leaf.
What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their
I missed you this morning.
My son is 9 and wants to move out because we
constantly forbid him everything.
Well, we forbid him that too.
I like little people, and little people like me. They kinda look up to
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while
eating a banana.
You could view the huge cross on the cover of the
Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…
New categories: Jokes to
Tell | Dry Jokes To all those people who don't know what real panic
is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
My grandma gave me this great advice, “An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.” She was right! You just have to really work on
When you think about it, forming meatballs is like
stroking animals, just a bit late.
Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m
sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”
The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just
watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?
The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”
Two men are talking, “So, how’s the new job?”
“Like paradise, really.”
“No kidding? How so?”
“I could get kicked out any day.”
– Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you
are. You really are the love of my life…
– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I know…
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.
I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
It was an empty envelope.
New Jokes Categories: Anti
Jokes | Double Meaning Jokes
| Tell me a JokeNew Jokes Special: 16
Jokes for People Who Need a Smile New category: The
Delightful List of Jokes “Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.”
“Yes sir, our coffee cannot hide how strong it is.”
Women: “Communication is the most important thing in a
2 million hours – The average time men spend trying to find out why
their darling is angry with them.
I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful
dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi,
can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”
“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have
changing rooms, right?”
New Joke Category: Senior
JokesOne shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any
reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?
Think about it – wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?
The boss stops an employee one morning, “Hastings, do
you smell of cheap liquor?!”
“You can bet that on this salary, it ain’t no Champagne.”
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters
as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his
brother Boba Fett are less amused.
At a job Interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I take matters in my own hands.”
“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”
“No, I will contact you.”
What is the most dangerous sports in the world?
Being the goalie in soccer. The other team just keeps shooting at you.
At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a
The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”
Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café.
They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes
remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it
for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid
Condoms. By humans, for humans, on humans, in humans
– against more humans.
The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the
He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin
A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris
and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels
does it get out in a day?”
One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight.
Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.”
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the
Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
May 2020 horoscope:
Aries (March 21 – April 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at
Libra (September 23 – October 23) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of
time at home.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time
Aquarius (January 21 – February 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time
Pisces (February 21 – March 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at
I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go
for a walk.
Then a crow flew past my window. Backwards.
My date last night was really awesome.
We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my
I love my new taser.
My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest
I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered
through the - frankly very personal - examination.
When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question
that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen
asks: “Eat here or take away?”
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing,
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
New category: Good Jokes
| New Shower Thought
(check it out)
In a shoe shop:
These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.
We added lots of jokes into the Dad
Jokes section (check it out).
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week,
darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass
asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t
Q: What is it: “Three in the office but only one
A: Two state clerks and a running ventilator.
Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an
empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.
– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
– Really? I have the exact opposite.
– Wow, seriously?
– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
New category: Funny idioms Last words of a skydiver?
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!! I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my
camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only
be using twice a year.
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition
at 1 am.
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who
would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.” A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a
secret?“ he whispers to her.
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.” Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you
desire me and me only?”
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?” Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always
stuttering like that?”
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”
A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say I’m
pretty or ugly?”
“A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
“How do you mean that?” asks the mother.
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.” What’s a good demonstration of the difference between
a man and a woman?
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake
their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve
got more cash than I do?
Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front
coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as
my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”
New category: Corny Jokes We added: New Puns | New Black Humor Jokes| New
Dad Jokes "Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean
I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place
and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do
you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if
I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for
“Of course not!” replies the lady.
“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.” New joke category:
One Liners | Geek Jokes |
Thanksgiving Jokes In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower
Thoughts I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and
smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do
you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a
dog dragging his butt across the floor?
One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are
What? Who are you talking about?
My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
Mom at a dentist:
“Now please darling, open up nicely for the doctor so he can take his
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to
this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You
expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get
bought by an ambitious jogger!
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re
selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update
Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license,
vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny
New category:Cute Jokes New category: Cross
the Road Jokes If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on
beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then
I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the
meeting so I decided to put it off again.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch
one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most
desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and
kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”
They say you can’t get a decent job without
education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still
ended up being the first man on the moon!
I spent half an hour trying to take off my
girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in
the first place.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that
wouldn’t make me fat?
>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
New category: Fun
Facts | Dad Jokes A smoothie. The miracle of selling somebody a peach
and a banana for $5.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
Do you eat too much?
Do you go to bed late?
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you notice the guy in front
of you in the "10 items maximum" express cashier line has 11 things in
A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s
arrested is called an accomplice.
A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called
New category: Cat Jokes | Redneck
Jokes New category: Clean Jokes I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been
googling my name last night on her computer.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was
That moment when you want to be really cool in the
cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your
open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the
movie is just blurry.
“I’ve had enough of your constant demands. It's too
much for me. I can't stand it anymore, it hurts!”
Fitness coach, “Come on man. It was just one push up.”
The urologist is about to leave his office and says:
"Ok, let's piss off now."
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.
When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting
The phrase “We can still be friends” is like saying
“Yeah, the dog died – but you can have it stuffed!
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to
be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him
under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it
doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to
come and live with you and your family."
Wife asks her husband: “Did you like the dinner
Husband replies: “Really, Shirley? Why are you always trying to pick a
New category: Prank Ideas
/ Practical jokes How many psychologists do you need to change a
Hm, and how many do YOU think?
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the
grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of
meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes New category: Pirate
Jokes To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But
the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your
entire night is something quite different.
Are you feeling all alone?
Put on a good horror movie and switch off all the lights. That alone
feeling will soon go away.
Honey, do you find me very fat?
How do I put this, darling – I know four very fat people. And you’re two
I clean five hours ahead before I have guests over,
just to be able to say: “Sorry it's usually not this messy.” In reality,
I’m seeing the floor for the first time in months.
Caller, “I’m hearing you real bad.”
Me (without changing anything), “Better now?”
Important note from a car manual:
Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”