Newest first: Doctor: “You have 3 days to live.”
- Man: “That's awesome! I’ll organize lots of parties and
adrenalin-filled activities before I return to my regular dull, boring
existence.” - Doctor: “Um, I think you got me wrong there.”
Perhaps you’ve been in this situation already? You’re on a date
with a not-that-hot, not-that-fun guy and at the end of the evening he
asks, “So, baby, your place or mine?” Just answer: “Hey, I have an
exciting idea. Let's do both!
You go to your place, and I go to mine.”Honey, do you think I'm fat?
Weeeell, let's put it this way: You're the greatest!
How to keep your rent constantly low?
-
Shoot out of the window once a week.
New: Halloween Jokes
Why did the surgeon not like the movie? - It was the uncut
version.“Doctor, I have problems with my eyesight.”
“Damn straight you do. This is a hot dog stand.”
New joke category: Jokes to Tell Your
Dad
Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever: “Quit rattlin’ the
ladder ya little hooligan!” I tried one of those organic deodorant stick. It
said in the instructions:
1. Remove the cap
2. Push
thumb up the bottom part for application.
It is very difficult
to sit but my farts smell very nice now. How many
women were born in 2022? - None. Only baby girls and baby boys.“
What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer
crowd. Feeling adventurous? Go to a Walmart changing
room and after five minutes start asking loudly where they keep the
toilet paper! I saw an ad recently: LASER HAIR
REMOVAL. But come on, if you had laser hair, would you really want to
remove them? No, you’d be starting world domination!
Magic is awesome. Do you know the name of the magical stick that makes
men disappear? The pregnancy stick. A boy and a
girl kissed and hugged in a public swimming pool. Guess who needed 5
minutes longer to get out of the water?My grandpa
returned from the war with one leg. He never said to whom it
belonged. The boss said I should go home because I really don't
look good.
I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just be
offended.
It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl... I
had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of
the sound…
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy
bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently
enjoyed it.
Internet discussion:
user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!
user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
New funny categories: Quote
Jokes Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a
luxury coffin. I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll
need.”
I get all kinds of weird looks at the gym. Can’t they
bring their own pizza?Mom, can I get a brother? -
Sorry, darling. The stork doesn’t bring us babies anymore. -
Well then perhaps you can talk to another bird?
Hey man, you look like crap!
-
Yes, I have a cold.
-
Jesus, AND you have a cold?! I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they
had to cover it up with a big leaf.
What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their
wives?
I missed you this morning.
New categories: Jokes to
Tell | Dry JokesTo all those people who don't know what real panic
is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
New category: The
Delightful List of Jokes Two men are talking, “So, how’s the new job?”
-
“Like paradise, really.”
-
“No kidding? How so?”
-
“I could get kicked out any day.”
Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you
are. You really are the love of my life…
– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I know…
I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With
Life’s Disappointments”.
-
Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.
-
It was an empty envelope.
New Jokes Categories: Anti
Jokes
| Tell me a Joke I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful
dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi,
can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”
“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have
changing rooms, right?”
New Joke Category: Senior
JokesMy son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters
as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his
brother Boba Fett are less amused.
At a job Interview:
-
“What are your strengths?”
-
“I take matters in my own hands.”
-
“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”
-
“No, I will contact you.”
The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”
-
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the
train.
He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin
A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris
and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels
does it get out in a day?”
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the
Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
-
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
-
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest
hospital.
I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered
through the - frankly very personal - examination.
When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question
that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”
Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
-
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
New category: Good Jokes
| New Shower Thought
(check it out)
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week,
darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
-
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass
asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t
decided yet.”
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
-
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an
empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.
When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
-
Really? I have the exact opposite.
-
Wow, seriously?
-
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
New category: Funny idioms Last words of a skydiver?
-
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!! Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
-
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only
be using twice a year.
Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you
desire me and me only?”
-
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?” Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always
stuttering like that?”
-
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”
What’s a good demonstration of the difference between
a man and a woman?
-
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake
their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve
got more cash than I do?
We added: New Puns | New Black Humor Jokes| New
Dad Jokes "Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean
I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
-
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be
dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite
messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place
and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do
you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if
I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
-
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for
$100?“
-
“Of course not!” replies the lady.
-
“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.” New joke category:
One Liners | Smart Jokes |
Thanksgiving Jokes In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower
Thoughts Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a
dog dragging his butt across the floor?
One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are
together again.
-
What? Who are you talking about?
-
My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You
expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get
bought by an ambitious jogger!
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
-
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
-
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license,
vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny
Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes New category: Cross
the Road Jokes If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on
beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then
I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the
meeting so I decided to put it off again.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and
kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
-
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
-
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”
They say you can’t get a decent job without
education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still
ended up being the first man on the moon!
I spent half an hour trying to take off my
girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in
the first place.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that
wouldn’t make me fat?
-
Your fingernails.
>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
New category: Fun
Facts | Dad Jokes Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you notice the guy in front
of you in the "10 items maximum" express cashier line has 11 things in
his trolley...
A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s
arrested is called an accomplice.
-
A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called
a lawyer.
New category: Redneck
Jokes New category: Clean Jokes New category: Fart Jokes
| Funny Riddles and Answers New categories: Knock
Knock Jokes | Puns New categories: Christmas
jokes | Marriage Jokes I was the best door-to-door security alarms
salesmen for many years running.
-
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was
nobody home.
That moment when you want to be really cool in the
cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your
open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the
movie is just blurry.
“I’ve had enough of your constant demands. It's too
much for me. I can't stand it anymore, it hurts!”
-
Fitness coach, “Come on man. It was just one push up.”
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on
purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.
When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting
that.
The phrase “We can still be friends” is like saying
“Yeah, the dog died – but you can have it stuffed!
Wife asks her husband: “Did you like the dinner
today?“
-
Husband replies: “Really, Shirley? Why are you always trying to pick a
fight?”
How many psychologists do you need to change a
lightbulb?
Hm, and how many do YOU think?
Little Petra asks her dad at breakfast time, “Daddy,
can you please teach me how to make eggs?” - Dad shakes his head,
“Nope.” - “But why daddy? I want to learn!“ - The dad winks
at her, “I can’t teach you how to make eggs because I’m not a hen.”There’s that moment when you put your steak on the
grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of
meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having
facial spasms.
New joke category: Dog Jokes New category: Pirate
Jokes Honey, do you find me very fat?
How do I put this, darling – I know four very fat people. And you’re two
of them!
I clean five hours ahead before I have guests over,
just to be able to say: “Sorry it's usually not this messy.” In reality,
I’m seeing the floor for the first time in months.
Caller, “I’m hearing you real bad.”
-
Me (without changing anything), “Better now?”
-
Caller, “Yes.”
Daddy what's a transvestite? - Ask Mommy, he
knows.“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer
around?”
-
“No, not a soul, actually.”
-
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
