125
Short Clean Jokes for the Whole Family
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit.
When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
Paul: “I’ve got problems with mathematics.”
Michael: “Me too.”
Eric: “Yeah, that makes four of us.”
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there weren't even any roads during the Jurassic Period!
Feeling amused? Explore our
Puns section!
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is
broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down.
That will be 300 dollars.
-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the
garage.
Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He
says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can't see
him.”
At an interview: “So you’d be starting off at
20 000, but later on it can go up to 40 000.”
“Excellent, I’ll
start later on.”
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology
teacher?
There was no chemistry.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
-
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go
out for a quick jog?“
-
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a
cake’!”
A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send
my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”
Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid
any upsets and stress!”
What did the toilet roll complain about?
"People just keep ripping me off!"
A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up.
He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come
there are no chairs at our table?!”
-
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She
told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets
nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
What to do when somebody is trying to start an
argument with you? Simply eat a few cookies. They taste very nice and
you can’t hear anything over the crunching.
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I
should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
-
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
Does your dog bite?
Nope.
Oh, so how do you feed him?
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really
don’t want to go…
-
He: Just call in sick then.
Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the
police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.
I looked at my crush while I was filling her glass
with water. The water overflowed and spilled all over my trousers. She
looked at me and asked, “What are you doing?” I said, “For you, I will
always give 110 percent…”
How many ant-eaters do you need to change a light
bulb?
-
None, they don’t do that.
A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I
love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
I burnt 1500 calories yesterday. I left a cake in the oven for too long.
Why are there such huge waiting times in emergency
rooms in all hospitals?
Because they’re testing the theory that time heals all wounds.
A recent scientific study showed that
out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that
number.
Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I
simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away
your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce
tops!”
“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel
immediately!”
-
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
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