The Best Jokes for Halloween
Ghosts
"I’m still
not sure whether to buy this house. It’s really nice and everything,
but it’s haunted."
–
"Pishposh. I’ve never seen any ghosts
here, and I’ve lived in the neighborhood for 500 years!"
Why didn’t the ghost cross the road?
It had no body to go with.
Why are ghost such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the
job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the
office today in Halloween Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was
fired.
Where do ghosts get their white bedsheets from?
From the Boooootique.
A man goes to a medium. The
medium tries to contact his deceased wife.
-
"Oh, oh, oh, I'm in
contact with your wife."
-
"What is she saying?"
-
"Not
much"
-
"Ok, that can't be my wife"
Vampires
What happens when vampires finally die?
-
They bite the dust.
I saw a starving vampire. I tried to help him. But he bit the hand
that fed him.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a teacher?
-
Lots
of blood tests!
What do vampires do on summer nights
when they are not in the mood for warm blood but are looking for
something a touch more cooling?
-
They go to the morgue.
Three vampire bats are sitting in a
tree, comparing their skills, arguing over who's the best bloodsucker.
Finally they agree to let results decide and the first of them takes
off and comes back covered in blood.
“Wow, cool, what were you
up to?” ask the other two.
“You see that house over there?”
“Yeah!”
“Well there’s a nice family over there, I sucked them
all.”
The other two nod their heads, impressed, and the second
bat takes off. He comes back after a while, covered in even more blood
than the first one. The other two ask him what he was up to.
“You
see that barn over there?”
“Yeah!”
“There are twenty
horses housed there, I sucked them all dry.”
“Wow,” nod the
other two. Then the third bat takes off. He comes back covered in
blood way more than the other two. Again, they ask him what he was up
to.
“So, you see that billboard over there?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, I didn’t.”
Do vampires drink blood in
order to get vitamin D because their vampirism doesn’t allow them to
go in the sun which would produce vitamin D?
Two
vampires are catching up and one says, “Yeah, I’ve recently become
vegan.”
“Seriously?” says the other, “and what do you eat
then?”
“Blood
oranges.”
What would you call the child of a vampire
and a snowman? Frostbite.
Dracula comes home
drunk. His wife is angry: “Vlad, will you please lay off the people in
front of the bars finally!”
In 1827, Dracula started
to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins.
By 2013, he died of
starvation.
Dracula visits his doctor and says,
“Doctor, I’m really worried. For a while now, there was no blood in my
stool.”
Who is Dracula’s best friend?
His bloodhound.
Why couldn’t Mrs.
Dracula sleep properly?
-
Because of Dracula’s coffin.
Skeletons
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
At the Dead Sea.
What does the skeleton say when it goes to a doctor?
Sorry I’m
late.
Two skeletons decide to take a vacation
in Mexico.
On the way there, one of the skeletons gasps, “Oh
no, we have to go back! I forgot my tombstone!”
The other
skeleton looks at him, “Why would you need your tombstone in Mexico?”
“Well,” replies the first skeleton, “and how do you plan to cross
the border without an ID?”
What does a French
skeleton say when he enters a bar?
BONEjour!
One skeleton tells another:
Dude, I thought you died of
smoking. Don't you want to stop that nasty habit finally?
-
Why?
Why did the skeleton look so angry?
-
He still had a bone to
pick with someone.
What would a skeleton never
complain about?
-
Weight gain.
A skeleton made a bet,
claiming he’s going to fart really loud in a crowded place. But he
didn’t in the end. He just didn’t have the guts.
Zombies
Considering that most people get buried in suits, any zombie
apocalypse is likely to be a rather formal affair.
Putting zombies on treadmills would provide a wonderful source of
green, sustainable energy.
Yeah, it’s all fun about
the rednecks – until the zombie apocalypse. Then you need them.
Why is it scary when a computer turns into a zombie.
-
It has
many mega-bites.
A doctor is walking through a
cementry. Suddenly a hand shoots out of the wet earth. A zombie crawls
out of its grave and starts lurching straight at him.
The doctor is in
shock. Can't move an inch. Then zombie stops right in front of him and
says, "Hey, you’re a doctor, right? Would you have something against
worms?"
Why is it a great idea to become a
cameraman if you want to survive a zombie apocalypse?
-
Haven’t you watched any zombie
movies? They never attack the cameraman!
Witches
A woman visits a well-known witch.
She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse
that was cast against her about 8 years ago.
The witch asks,
“What sort of a curse was it, then?”
The woman said, “It went,
‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
Where can
you always find a witch when you play hide and seek?
-
In the broom closet.
Burn the witches.
-
Yeah, no problem, I’m not
much of a cook.
What do you call a witch in the
dessert?
-
A SandWitch.
Why do witches, much
like the Scottish, wear a dress and nothing else?
-
Better grip when
riding their vehicle.
Werwolfs
A werewolf bites himself if he sees Chuck Norris turning a corner.
Why did Jason turn into a werewolf?
-
His friends
mooned him.
The German word for werewolf,
"Werwolf", literally means “Who is the wolf?”
