Short and Funny Jokes

The following jokes made me laugh many times:

 
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
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The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

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I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

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A Japanese student: "Master Aykodo, why do Europeans think we look all the same?"
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The master replied: "I'm not master Aykodo."

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
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Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

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A man asks his iPhone:
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
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Siri activates front camera.

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My boss told me that I don’t know my boundaries. So I fired him.

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Wife: "OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"

Husband: "Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"

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A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
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The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
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The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

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Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
 
I’ve lived in constant fear since.

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On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
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“Yeah!”
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“Are you hurt?”
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“No!”
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“Not a scratch? How come?!“
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“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

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Where do we get virgin wool from?
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Ugly sheep.

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Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

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It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
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A pair of birds.

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Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

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"Go away! I'm crapping!"

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Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
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Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

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A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

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  Next: Part 2 (Hilarious)
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