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Jokes to Tell

Best first: An old lady was always travelling the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and started bringing him nice little bags of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the old lady, "Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it's really nice of you, I'm loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much, have some for yourself!"

"Ah, young man," laughed the old lady, "I don't have my teeth anymore, I couldn't eat them even if I wanted to. But I really like the yummy chocolate coating around them!"
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Jokes to tell

Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends

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Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

What does a shark say when it sees a submarine?

Yummy, canned food!

Two snails are talking, “You know how my wife left me with the kids in the spring? You wanna know the most hurtful part?”

“What is it?”

“I can still see them there in that bend.”
A woman walks into a doctor’s office and exclaims: "Doctor, please help me. Whenever I touch my leg, ow! It really hurts...

When I touch my elbow, oh Lord! It hurts...

When I touch my head, goodness gracious it hurts!

When I touch my elbow it hurts like hell!"
The Doctor looks her over and calmly replies: "Miss, it appears your finger is broken."
A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation.

He’s walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing just staring in mid-distance.

The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?”

“2,200,” replies the man, a bit surprised.

The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts 1,800 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two weeks’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!”

The guy takes the money and leaves. The boss, feeling good he’s shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that lazy jerk doing in this place?”

One clerk shrugs, “He just delivered our pizza.”
A man goes to hell. The devil tells him, “You will now be suffering in lava for many, many years.”

The man corrects, “Since we are below the Earth’s surface, you should be calling it magma.”

The devil looks the man in the eye, “Ah, I see now why you are here.” 
Two American Indians are sitting by the river, watching smoke signals going up in the distance.

A third Indian joins them from the bushes. “Anything important?” he asks his friends.

“Don’t know, it’s still just commercials.”
What does the skeleton say when it goes to a doctor?

Sorry I’m late.
Two men walk in the jungle. One has a gun on his back and the other one a big rock. The one with the rock asks the other man, “Why do you have a gun on your back?”

The guy replies, “When a wild animal comes, I can defend myself. And what about you, why the rock?”

The guy with the rock smiles proudly, “When a wild animal comes, I can throw the rock away and run much faster!”
A woman comes to see her doctor, “Dr. Jacobs, I accidentally ate a ten-dollar note, but now I keep finding coins in the toilet – what’s going on?”

“Oh it’s perfectly normal,” assures her the doctor, “my guess is that you’re in your changing years.”
The barkeep notices that whenever he brings over another beer, the coaster has disappeared. After five beers, he decides to just stop bothering and brings the sixth beer without a coaster. The Russian guy grumbles, “Vot, no cracker vith the beer?”
Pearly Gates Joke

What is it? It has little wings and attaches to certain humans at night to suck a lot of their blood.
Answer: Always Ultra Night.
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
   The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo.

 He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end.

 Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But he eventually managed to rent one.

They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for some punch. He went to get it – but there was no punch line.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
Why don’t cows have feet like we do?
Because they lactose.
An elderly man is stopped by the police on his way to work.  Everywhere are busy policemen.
“What’s going on?” asks the guy.
“We’re searching for a rapist, sir,” replies the police officer.

“Oh,” the man thinks for a second, “well alright. I’ll do it.”
A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”

Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”

“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”
A wife calls her husband at work, “Robert, have you ever experienced this piercing pains all over your body? Like as if somebody had a voodoo doll image of you and was sticking pins into it?”

“No…” he replied confusedly.

“Alright, hang on… and now?”

More Marriage Jokes
What do Facebook and the fridge have in common?

Even though you know that there’s nothing there, you still go and check every 10 minutes.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”
Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”

“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”

His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
What do goats say when something bad happens?

Oh my goat…

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