Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.
The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.
At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think
you’re doing?!”
Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two
pillows.”
Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"
What does a shark say when it sees a submarine?
Yummy, canned food!
Two snails are talking, “You know how my wife left me with the kids in
the spring? You wanna know the most hurtful part?”
“What is it?”
“I can still see them there in that bend.”
A woman walks into a doctor’s office and exclaims:
"Doctor, please help me. Whenever I touch my leg, ow! It really
hurts...
When I touch my elbow, oh Lord! It hurts...
When I touch my head, goodness gracious it hurts!
When I touch
my elbow it hurts like hell!"
The Doctor looks her over and
calmly replies: "Miss, it appears your finger is broken."
A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce
reputation.
He’s walking through the office for the first time
when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing
just staring in mid-distance.
The boss decides to show
everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the
guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?”
“2,200,” replies the man, a bit surprised.
The boss whips out
his wallet, thrusts 1,800 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two
weeks’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!”
The guy takes the money and leaves. The boss, feeling good he’s
shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that
lazy jerk doing in this place?”
One clerk shrugs, “He just
delivered our pizza.”
A man goes to hell. The devil tells him, “You will
now be suffering in lava for many, many years.”
The man corrects, “Since we are below the Earth’s surface, you should be
calling it magma.”
The devil looks the man in the eye, “Ah, I see now why you are
here.”
Two American Indians are sitting by the river,
watching smoke signals going up in the distance.
A third Indian joins them from the bushes. “Anything important?” he asks
his friends.
“Don’t know, it’s still just commercials.”
What does the skeleton say when it goes to a doctor?
Sorry I’m late.
Two men walk in the jungle. One has a gun on his back
and the other one a big rock. The one with the rock asks the other man,
“Why do you have a gun on your back?”
The guy replies, “When a wild animal comes, I can defend myself. And
what about you, why the rock?”
The guy with the rock smiles proudly, “When a wild animal comes, I can
throw the rock away and run much faster!”
A woman comes to see her doctor, “Dr. Jacobs, I
accidentally ate a ten-dollar note, but now I keep finding coins in the
toilet – what’s going on?”
“Oh it’s perfectly normal,” assures her the doctor, “my guess is that
you’re in your changing years.”
The barkeep notices that whenever he brings over
another beer, the coaster has disappeared. After five beers, he decides
to just stop bothering and brings the sixth beer without a coaster. The
Russian guy grumbles, “Vot, no cracker vith the beer?”
What is it? It has little wings and attaches to
certain humans at night to suck a lot of their blood.
-
Answer: Always Ultra Night.
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that
couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand,
kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting
ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he
eventually got his tuxedo.
He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he
got the orchid in the end.
Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line
there too! But he eventually managed to rent one.
They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his
girlfriend asked for some punch. He went to get it – but there was no
punch line.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about
to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor,
“Have you seen me rob this bank?”
-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
Why don’t cows have feet like we do?
-
Because they lactose.
An elderly man is stopped by the police on his way to
work. Everywhere are busy policemen.
-
“What’s going on?” asks the guy.
-
“We’re searching for a rapist, sir,” replies the police officer.
“Oh,” the man thinks for a second, “well alright. I’ll do it.”
A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my
mother in law!”
Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be
wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”
“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”
A wife calls her husband at work, “Robert, have you
ever experienced this piercing pains all over your body? Like as if
somebody had a voodoo doll image of you and was sticking pins into it?”
“No…” he replied confusedly.
“Alright, hang on… and now?”
More Marriage Jokes
What do Facebook and the fridge have in common?
Even though you know that there’s nothing there, you still go and check
every 10 minutes.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep
whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at
school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”
Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been
married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in
front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so
cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand.
Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel
voucher for two.
-
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling,
but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
-
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
-
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
-
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad,
saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and
will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s
a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he
says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no
legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to
satisfy me?”
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye
problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
What do goats say when something bad happens?
Oh my goat…
