18 Jokes for People Who Need a Smile

 
Jokes that make you smile!

Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever: “Quit rattlin’ the ladder ya little hooligan!”

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I tried one of those organic
deodorant stick. It said in the instructions:

1. Remove the cap

2. Push thumb up the bottom part for application.

It is very difficult to sit but my farts smell very nice now.

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One day I will be a great magician. I will do awesome performances. Like cutting people in half. I'm really good at it already. Just ask my half-brother.

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Two bears are observing an approaching group of knights in shiny armors.
 
“Ah well,” sighs one of them, “canned lunch it is.”

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Three men survive a plane crash into the desert. They’ve been walking for a while when see a camel carcass. 

Hungry, they start arguing over who gets to eat what. 

One of them finally stands up and says, “Let's settle this like men. My favorite soccer team is the Hearts of Dumfries, so I shall eat the heart.” 

The second man says, “My favorite team is Liverpool, so I shall have the liver.” 

The third man is silent for a bit, then says, “Well, my favorite team is Arsenal, but I'm not hungry anymore.”

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How many women were born in 2018?
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None. Only baby girls and baby boys.“

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That awkward moment when you whisper in your boyfriend's ear that you want to feel him inside you and he sticks his finger in your nose.

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What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

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Feeling adventurous? Go to a Walmart changing room and after five minutes start asking loudly where they keep the toilet paper!

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I saw an ad recently: LASER HAIR REMOVAL. But come on, if you had laser hair, would you really want to remove them? No, you’d be starting world domination!

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Patient to his doctor: “Doctor, please help me. I think I’m a moth.”
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The doctor says: “I’m sorry, but I’m not your guy. You have to go see a psychiatrist.”
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The patient sighs: “I wanted to. But the light in your office is so much brighter!”

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Two hunters are comparing their stories. One says, “I once shot a wild boar so big they had to come get it with a tractor!”

The other scoffs, “Ha, I once shot a bird so big, 357 people got out of it when it hit the ground.”

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A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.
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A doctor stops him and asks: “Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!”
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The patient breathes heavily: “I was about to be operated on, doctor. And then the nurse said: ‘Come now, stop panicking. You’ll manage just fine!’”
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The doctor shrugs: “Oh but that’s nice, no? Nurse being supportive to you?”
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The patient gets angry: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

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Magic is awesome. Do you know the name of the magical stick that makes men disappear?
The pregnancy stick.

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
He never said to whom it belonged.

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My mother urged me to attend a cooking class. She said: “A man should know how to cook. It impresses the girls.”

After a few lessons, a very beautiful girl started chatting to me. One thing led to another – aaand we are very good friends now.

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