My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for
her.
Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If
anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop
them off tomorrow.
On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His
wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”
“Mom, I don’t like grandpa anymore.”
“Shush and eat what’s on the table!”
A man calls a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They get excited and asked him if he could drive a truck.
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean –
you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her
black clothes and irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in
anything, can I!"
A guy asks, “How big do penguins get?”
-
His colleague says, “Not much bigger than 4 feet.”
-
The guy scratches his head, “Ok, in that case I guess I ran over a nun
on the way to work.”
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my
legs!"
Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated
your arms!"
A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”
-
High-pitched male voice: "Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and
sound."
-
Deep male voice: "Yes."
-
High-pitched male voice: "You in the second row, please leave the room
right now."
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy
tale.
-
Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
That awkward moment when you’re making out with your
girlfriend and you tell her that you are getting hard for her and
suddenly Grandpa storms in the room and shouts: “No, little boy, you’re
not hard! Only the war makes you hard!”
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do
some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence
going on.
A patient talks to his doctor, “I really can't decide
between having this operation or facing certain death without it…”
The doctor tries to help, “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have
both.”
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat
of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem
solved.
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Best Black Humor Jokes
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