A man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the
shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?”
“No, my dog doesn’t bite.”
The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A
little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog doesn’t
The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If
anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them
My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.
Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else would think of adding
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how
old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell
me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t
say where she got them.
An elderly man is stopped by the
police on his way to work. Everywhere are busy policemen.
going on?” asks the guy.
“We’re searching for a rapist, sir,” replies the
“Oh,” the man thinks for a second, “well alright. I’ll do
On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him,
“Are you OK?”
“Are you hurt?”
a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck.
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again
next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much
action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just
have to remarry.”
Son comes into the kitchen, visibly shaken. The father asks him what
“Dad, I’m so sorry, I shot Grandma by mistake!”
“Are you insane?! We’ve still got half of Grandpa left in the freezer!“
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill
Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according
to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean –
you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and
irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"
"Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"
Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by
life insurance agents!
A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”
High-pitched male voice:
"Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and sound."
Deep male voice:
High-pitched male voice: "You in the second row, please leave
the room right now."
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot
him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?
Just stand in the
middle of the road for a while.
Black Humor Jokes
New Dark Humor Jokes