My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.
Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If
anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them
Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else would think of adding
On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him,
“Are you OK?”
“Are you hurt?”
a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”
“Mom, I don’t like grandpa anymore.”
“Shush and eat what’s on the
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck.
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean –
you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and
irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"
A guy asks, “How big do penguins get?”
His colleague says, “Not
much bigger than 4 feet.”
The guy scratches his head, “Ok, in
that case I guess I ran over a nun on the way to work.”
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"
"Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"
Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by
life insurance agents!
A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”
High-pitched male voice:
"Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and sound."
Deep male voice:
High-pitched male voice: "You in the second row, please leave
the room right now."
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
That awkward moment when you’re making out with your girlfriend and you
tell her that you are getting hard for her and suddenly Grandpa storms
in the room and shouts: “No, little boy, you’re not hard! Only the war
makes you hard!”
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden
work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
A patient talks to his doctor, “I really can't decide between having this
operation or facing certain death without it…”
The doctor tries to
help, “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have both.”
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot
him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Black Humor Jokes
New Dark Humor Jokes