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New Dark Humor Jokes 2018 / 2019

The best first: The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
 New dark humor jokes

New Dark Jokes

Mean jokes for you. Enjoy!

8 rolls of toilet paper for 4,99: My purse is bleeding. 12 rolls of Toilet paper for 1,99: My bottom is bleeding.
I guess it was a mistake to bring my cat along to a laser tag arena.
A bear ask a fluffy bunny, “Do you shed?”
Fluffy bunny says, “No.”
The bear takes the fluffy bunny, wipes his behind with it and nods: “But you stink!”
A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor. The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.”
But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”

“Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
“Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 70 mph?
Its butt.

He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS.
She: I know.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
Being a sniper is awesome.

Joke Mother-in-Law

I’ve had some problems lately, so I decided to turn to alternative treatments. I’m pinning my hopes on that Asian thing, you know, with the needles?
Ah yeah. Heroin.
Peter: “Paul, did you scream at my wife, kick my dog and beat my children the last time you were here?!”
Paul: “But… but you said I should make myself at home!”
Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I take.”
Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some mouthwash.“
Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”
Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”
Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?
Patient: I’m dying to know.
Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...
Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.
Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”
Can you call it fan mail when you send a letter bomb to a terrorist?
Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance – so I push her over, they fire me.
I tried sharing a sandwich with a homeless man on my way to work today.
But the meanie told me to go find my own.
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.
I don’t understand why the authorities even bother to punish polygamy. Two mothers-in-law is already cruel enough.

In 1827, Dracula started to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins.
By 2013, he died of starvation.
Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!


Yep, it’s pain!
What’s black and white and red?
A nun that’s fallen down the stairs.
What’s black and white and laughing?
The nun who pushed her.
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”
A girl to her boyfriend: “I’m breaking up with you!”
“But why?”
“Because you’re constantly making fun of my weight!”
“Oh come on, honey, don’t be like that! Here, grab these two chairs, sit yourself down on them and we will talk it out.”
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I just ran over a deer. I had to process that.

- John Smith (54), Butcher
There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots of weight, and fast.
It’s marketed as a glue stick.
How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.
“And how do you find this year’s spring?”
– Silvie, 25, suffers from severe pollen allergies
Two guys want to escape from a psychiatry institution.
The first guy suggests, “Ok I will turn on my flashlight and you climb down the light beam!”
The other one huffs, “Are you totally insane?! What if the batteries die when I’m just halfway down?”
Electrician Joke
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?
They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”
„Today’s forecast is blasting precipitations.“
Berlin 1945

A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“
The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“
The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you moron!“
“Here, my king, I completed my quest. In this bag you will find the head of the evil dragon that was terrorizing your kingdom.”

“Very well done, brave knight. And in this bag, as promised, is your reward – the hand and the heart of the princess.“
There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”
“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”
“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”
God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like for a guy to catch a cold.
What happens to the children that are not picked up from Smallland in Ikea? And what are Köttbullar made out of?
An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”
“You’re sitting on our cat.”

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand
“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.

His wife Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlor on Friday April 11th.”
A lady of a certain age and poundage asks a boy on the beach: “Do you know they sometimes find stranded whales on this beach?”
Boy: “Really?! Well you’re the first one that I see.”
They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission Impossible movie.

Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions – and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!
 The times are hard and we all have to tighten our belts.

Some around their belly, others around their neck.
I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.
I read an article that they’ve trained dogs now so they can smell terminal illnesses in people. Kind of a different experience, taking a dog like that for a walk.
“Oooh, your dog really likes me!”
“I’m so very sorry.”
Religion teacher: “We are descended from Adam and Eve.”
Little Johnny pipes up: “But sir, my parents told me that we are descended from apes!”
The religion teacher smiles: “Sorry, we’re not talking about your family.”
“What a tragedy. They buried Jimbo yesterday.”

“Oh no, why?!”

“Because he was dead.”
A box of matches. The perfect housewarming gift.
Do you know the difference between a horse and a cactus?
What?! Well just try sitting on one, then you’ll know it.

Best Black Humor Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | New Dark Humor Jokes

See also: New jokes

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