See also our best dark jokes!
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just
checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
A woman comes to a cashier in a supermarket and puts up a frozen pizza, one
can of coke and one Snickers bar. - The cashier comments, “Oh, looks
like you’re single.” - The woman replies, “Um, wow, yes. How did you
guess?” - The cashier answers, “Because you’re ugly.”
A guy comes to the doctor, “Please help me. I’m constantly coughing and out
of breath and it’s getting worse.”
The doctor asks, “Do you smoke?”
“Yes, but it’s not helping at all!”
A father of many is studying a book on contraception with a slightly manic
look. After a short while though, he cheers up and yells out to his wife,
“I’ve got it, Dorothy! You’re the one supposed to be taking the pills, not
Grandpa whispers in Grandma‘s ear, “I took care to
fart really quietly so nobody could notice, but it’s starting to stink
now, what should I do?” - Grandma, “Put new batteries in your
A judge asks a woman, “What did you steal, Mrs. Trettenbouche?” - The
woman looks down, “A can of peaches, Your Honor.” - “And how many
peaches were there in the can?” continues the judge. - “Six, sir”,
admits the woman. - “OK, you will serve 6 days in prison,” rules the
judge. - Suddenly her husband shouts from the back of the court room,
“Your Honor, she also stole a can of peanuts!”
“An excellent choice,” says the marriage officiant to the groom, “the lady
is very popular, I’m already seeing her here for the fifth time!”
*** More Marriage Jokes
Why should women over 40 stay away from playing hide and seek? -
There’s always the risk that nobody would be looking for them.
What do all suicide bombers have in common?
None of them are
willing to die alone.
A wife is talking to her husband in the evening, “See, James? Men can still
be gallant. Today I got on the subway and three young men stood up so I
could sit down.”
James looks at her and asks drily, “And did you
Mother, what are the bones doing in the piranha aquarium? - Mother?
A dad is explaining how things are to his son, “I think it’s time you knew,
Greg. You know the Easter Bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy? That’s always
“That’s OK, daddy, I’ve known for a long time now that all
these fairy creatures were really you. Except for the stork, right? That was
At a funeral:
“Do you know the WiFi password?”
respect for the dead!”
“Thanks. No spaces?”
I asked my mirror yesterday if there is anybody prettier than me. The
bastard is still reciting names.
Two blind guys go to a cinema. - One guy says, “I don’t see
anything!” - The other replies, “Shall we change places?”
“My friend crashed his motorbike. He’s brain-damaged and both his legs are
“You know, I’m really not surprised that he crashed his bike
Two highlanders are talking, “Say, what would you do if a bear suddenly
started attacking your wife?”
“Why would I have to do
anything?! He started it, let him defend himself!”
At the court: “Mr. Strudel, when you were throwing your mother-in-law out of
the window, were you not aware that you could injure innocent people?”
“My dad drives like the lightning!”
“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”
“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits
A woman goes in the pharmacy, “Please help. My husband demands it all
day long. It’s just too much! Do you have something to calm down his
passion?!” - The lady behind the counter smiles, “Here, that’s my
I left the hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my aunt who
lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I
had to wrestle the wife, two doctors, a nurse, and a security guy.
“Whose ugly child is that?!” - “Excuse me?! That’s my daughter!”
- “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were the father.” - “You
what?! I am her mother!!”
8 rolls of toilet paper for 4,99: My purse is bleeding. 12 rolls of Toilet
paper for 1,99: My bottom is bleeding.
I distrust people in two cases only:
- When I don’t know them
- When I know them
My grandfather had problems throwing things away. - He died by hand
grenade.A man with a
knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor. The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re
closed.” But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15
minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the
man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”
What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the
windscreen of a car going 70 mph? - Its butt.
He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS. - She: I know.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. - Being a sniper is
I’ve had some problems lately, so I decided to turn to alternative
treatments. I’m pinning my hopes on that Asian thing, you know, with the
needles? Ah yeah. Heroin.
Two friends are talking: “We put a new scale in the bathroom, so I can weigh
my poop now. I weigh myself before and after I did the business. All I need
to do is subtract the difference.” - The other friend looks
thoughtful, “Huh, you know, that’s even easier!”
Woman’s Own Magazine held a voting competition for Car of the Year. The
winner was “The Green One”.An old couple celebrates their 50th anniversary in a restaurant. They have
soup as a starter. - Suddenly the woman sighs, “You know, just
thinking of our marriage is giving me this warm, cozy feeling around my
heart.” - The man observes drily, “No wonder dear. Your left breast
sagged into the soup.”
Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of
people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I
take.” - Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some
Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten
by your neighbor?” - Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing
just fine on his own!”
Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test
results? - Patient: I’m dying to know. - Doctor: Well, funny
you should say that...
Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a
headless biker. Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a
while they are passed by a headless bicyclist. Hm. They walk on for a bit
when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other
shoulder?” Can you call it fan mail when you send a letter bomb to a
Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her
balance – so I push her over, they fire me.
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just
like that one.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated
right next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not something they
let you do if the baby is your own.
I don’t understand why the authorities even bother to punish polygamy. Two
mothers-in-law is already cruel enough.
In 1827, Dracula started to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins. By
2013, he died of starvation.
Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!
Yep, it’s pain!
A husband asks his wife, “How long do you need to finish cleaning?” -
The wife replies, “Around an hour. But if you helped me it would be even
faster. “ - The husband says, “I think one hour is OK.”
What’s black and white and red? A nun that’s fallen down the stairs. -
What’s black and white and laughing? The nun who pushed her.
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”
only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss
Famous last words of an electrician: “What’s that cable for?”
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the
world? - Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I just ran over a deer. I had to process that.
- John Smith (54),
There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots
of weight, and fast. It’s marketed as a glue stick.
How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?
certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.
“And how do you find this year’s spring?” “Breathtaking.”
Silvie, 25, suffers from severe pollen allergies
Two guys want to escape from a psychiatry institution. - The first
guy suggests, “Ok I will turn on my flashlight and you climb down the light
beam!” - The other one huffs, “Are you totally insane?! What if the
batteries die when I’m just halfway down?”
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?
think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”
„Today’s forecast is blasting precipitations.“ - Berlin 1945
A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“ -
The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“
- The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you
“Here, my king, I completed my quest. In this bag you will find the head of
the evil dragon that was terrorizing your kingdom.”
“Very well done,
brave knight. And in this bag, as promised, is your reward – the hand and
the heart of the princess.“
There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!” - “But mom,
I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!” - “Because it’s so
short and your nuts are showing underneath!”
God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like
for a guy to catch a cold.
What happens to the children that are not picked up from Smallland in Ikea?
And what are Köttbullar made out of?
An awkward housewarming visit:
“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch
has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!” - “You’re sitting
on our cat.”
I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so
overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.
– Mike, 32, abruptly
ending his holiday in Thailand
“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger
Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.
Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlor on Friday
A lady of a certain age and poundage asks a boy on the beach: “Do you know
they sometimes find stranded whales on this beach?” - Boy: “Really?!
Well you’re the first one that I see.”
They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission
Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions –
and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!
The times are hard and we all have to tighten our belts.
around their belly, others around their neck.
I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.
Religion teacher: “We are descended from Adam and Eve.” - Little
Johnny pipes up: “But sir, my parents told me that we are descended from
apes!” - The religion teacher smiles: “Sorry, we’re not talking about
“What a tragedy. They buried Jimbo yesterday.”
“Oh no, why?!”
“Because he was dead.”
A box of matches. The perfect housewarming gift.Best Black Humor Jokes