New Dark Humor Jokes

Newest first: I noticed more people were walking into Walmart than coming out. Strange - but whatever. They have meat on discount today.
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New Dark Humor Jokes

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
The lady at the job center: “I can offer you 3 positions.”

Me: “That’s very nice of you but what about a job?”

3 guys go hiking in the mountains. Suddenly, all of them slip, but the first guy manages to hold on to a little tree, the second could grab the first guy’s shirt and the only thing the third guy could grab was the second guy’s balls. What tears first?
The second guy’s vocal cords.
I really don’t understand the world anymore.
Peter (89), lost his hearing aid.
A woman comes to a cashier in a supermarket and puts up a frozen pizza, one can of coke and one Snickers bar.
The cashier comments, “Oh, looks like you’re single.”
The woman replies, “Um, wow, yes. How did you guess?”
The cashier answers, “Because you’re ugly.”
I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”
A guy comes to the doctor, “Please help me. I’m constantly coughing and out of breath and it’s getting worse.”

The doctor asks, “Do you smoke?”

“Yes, but it’s not helping at all!”
Peter: “Hard street drugs make you stupid and indifferent.“
Michael: “I don't understand and I don't care.“
Hey Grandma, how is it going with your first smart phone?
Doctor, please help, my wife broke her leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big a difference?”
“Ok, let me just get my rifle from the car.”

At church:

Grandpa whispers in Grandma‘s ear, “I took care to fart really quietly so nobody could notice, but it’s starting to stink now, what should I do?”
Grandma, “Put new batteries in your hearing device.”
What’s the difference between a yoghurt and the US?
The yoghurt’s got culture.
Making jokes about people who lost their legs in a war is a total no-go.
What does climate change say to an iceberg?
Sea - you - later.

Seen enough dark humor jokes? Discover a new category!
What is the only phone you can give to an orphan without being insensitive?
iPhone 11 – It doesn’t have a home button.
 A judge asks a woman, “What did you steal, Mrs. Trettenbouche?”
The woman looks down, “A can of peaches, Your Honor.”
“And how many peaches were there in the can?” continues the judge.
“Six, sir”, admits the woman.
“OK, you will serve 6 days in prison,” rules the judge.
Suddenly her husband shouts from the back of the court room, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peanuts!”
“An excellent choice,” says the marriage officiant to the groom, “the lady is very popular, I’m already seeing her here for the fifth time!”

More Marriage Jokes
Why should women over 40 stay away from playing hide and seek?
There’s always the risk that nobody would be looking for them.
What do all suicide bombers have in common?

None of them are willing to die alone.
A wife is talking to her husband in the evening, “See, James? Men can still be gallant. Today I got on the subway and three young men stood up so I could sit down.”

James looks at her and asks drily, “And did you fit?”
Mother, what are the bones doing in the piranha aquarium?
Mother? Mooootttthhhheeeer!!!
At a funeral:

“Do you know the WiFi password?”

“Have some respect for the dead!”

“Thanks. No spaces?”
I asked my mirror yesterday if there is anybody prettier than me. The bastard is still reciting names.
Two blind guys go to a cinema.
One guy says, “I don’t see anything!”
The other replies, “Shall we change places?”
“My friend crashed his motorbike. He’s brain-damaged and both his legs are broken.”

“You know, I’m really not surprised that he crashed his bike then.”
Two highlanders are talking, “Say, what would you do if a bear suddenly started attacking your wife?”
“Why would I have to do anything?! He started it, let him defend himself!”
At the court: “Mr. Strudel, when you were throwing your mother-in-law out of the window, were you not aware that you could injure innocent people?”
“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”
A woman goes in the pharmacy, “Please help. My husband demands it all day long. It’s just too much! Do you have something to calm down his passion?!”
The lady behind the counter smiles, “Here, that’s my phone number.”
I left the hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my aunt who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to wrestle the wife, two doctors, a nurse, and a security guy.
“Whose ugly child is that?!”
“Excuse me?! That’s my daughter!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were the father.”
“You what?! I am her mother!!”
8 rolls of toilet paper for 4,99: My purse is bleeding. 12 rolls of Toilet paper for 1,99: My bottom is bleeding.
I distrust people in two cases only:

- When I don’t know them

- When I know them
My grandfather had problems throwing things away.
He died by hand grenade.
A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor. The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.”
But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”
What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 70 mph?
Its butt.

He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS.
She: I know.

Joke Mother-in-Law

I’ve had some problems lately, so I decided to turn to alternative treatments. I’m pinning my hopes on that Asian thing, you know, with the needles?
Ah yeah. Heroin.
Two friends are talking: “We put a new scale in the bathroom, so I can weigh my poop now. I weigh myself before and after I did the business. All I need to do is subtract the difference.”
The other friend looks thoughtful, “Huh, you know, that’s even easier!”
Woman’s Own Magazine held a voting competition for Car of the Year.
The winner was “The Green One”.
An old couple celebrates their 50th anniversary in a restaurant. They have soup as a starter.
Suddenly the woman sighs, “You know, just thinking of our marriage is giving me this warm, cozy feeling around my heart.”
The man observes drily, “No wonder dear. Your left breast sagged into the soup.”
Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I take.”
Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some mouthwash.“
Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”
Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”
Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?
Patient: I’m dying to know.
Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...
Can you call it fan mail when you send a letter bomb to a terrorist?
Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance – so I push her over, they fire me.
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.
I don’t understand why the authorities even bother to punish polygamy. Two mothers-in-law is already cruel enough.

In 1827, Dracula started to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins.
By 2013, he died of starvation.
Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!


Yep, it’s pain!
A husband asks his wife, “How long do you need to finish cleaning?”
The wife replies, “Around an hour. But if you helped me it would be even faster. “
The husband says, “I think one hour is OK.”
What’s black and white and red?
A nun that’s fallen down the stairs.
What’s black and white and laughing?
The nun who pushed her.
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”
Famous last words of an electrician: “What’s that cable for?”
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I just ran over a deer. I had to process that.

- John Smith (54), Butcher
There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots of weight, and fast.

It’s marketed as a glue stick.
How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.
“And how do you find this year’s spring?”
– Silvie, 25, suffers from severe pollen allergies
Two guys want to escape from a psychiatry institution.
The first guy suggests, “Ok I will turn on my flashlight and you climb down the light beam!”
The other one huffs, “Are you totally insane?! What if the batteries die when I’m just halfway down?”
Electrician Joke
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?
They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”
Today’s forecast is blasting precipitations.
Berlin 1945

A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.
The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?
The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you moron!
There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”
“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”
“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”
God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like for a guy to catch a cold.
What happens to the children that are not picked up from Smallland in Ikea? And what are Köttbullar made out of?
An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”
“You’re sitting on our cat.”

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand
“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.

His wife Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlor on Friday April 11th.”
A lady of a certain age and poundage asks a boy on the beach: “Do you know they sometimes find stranded whales on this beach?”
Boy: “Really?! Well you’re the first one that I see.”
They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission Impossible movie.

Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions – and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!
 The times are hard and we all have to tighten our belts.

Some around their belly, others around their neck.
Religion teacher: “We are descended from Adam and Eve.”
Little Johnny pipes up: “But sir, my parents told me that we are descended from apes!”
The religion teacher smiles: “Sorry, we’re not talking about your family.”
“What a tragedy. They buried Jimbo yesterday.”

“Oh no, why?!”

“Because he was dead.”
A box of matches. The perfect housewarming gift.
Best Black Humor Jokes

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