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New Dark Humor Jokes 2018

Best first: The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
    
 New dark humor jokes

New Dark Jokes

 
Mean jokes for you. Enjoy!

“Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
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“Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
-
Being a sniper is awesome.

What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the windscreen of a car going 70 mph?
-
Its butt.

He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS.
-
She: I know.
Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?
-
Patient: I’m dying to know.
-
Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.
Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!

<slap!>

Yep, it’s pain!
What’s black and white and red?
A nun that’s fallen down the stairs.
-
What’s black and white and laughing?
The nun who pushed her.
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “Oh no, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

A girl to her boyfriend: “I’m breaking up with you!”
-
“But why?”
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“Because you’re constantly making fun of my weight!”
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“Oh come on, honey, don’t be like that! Here, grab these two chairs, sit yourself down on them and we will talk it out.”
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
-
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
“And how do you find this year’s spring?”
“Breathtaking.”
 
– Silvie, 25, suffers from severe pollen allergies
My poor skills as an electrician often leave people shocked.
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
 
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?
 
They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”
„Today’s forecast is blasting precipitations.“
-
Berlin 1945

A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“
-
The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“
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The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you moron!“
“There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”
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“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”
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“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”
God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like for a guy to catch a cold.
You are like my father.
-
You’re dead to me.
What happens to the children that are not picked up from Smallland in Ikea? And what did you think Köttbullar were made of?
An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”
-
“You’re sitting on our cat.”

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand
I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.
I read an article that they’ve trained dogs now so they can smell terminal illnesses in people. Kind of a different experience, taking a dog like that for a walk.
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“Oooh, your dog really likes me!”
-
“I’m so very sorry.”

Do you know the difference between a horse and a cactus?
[No]
What?! Well just try sitting on one, then you’ll know it.

Best Black Humor Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | New Dark Humor Jokes

See also: New jokes



 
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