New Dark Jokes
Mean jokes for you. Enjoy!
“Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
“Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
Being a sniper is
What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it smashes against the
windscreen of a car going 70 mph?
He: Honey, I have to tell you something. I have AIDS.
She: I know.
I’ve had some problems lately, so I decided to turn to alternative
treatments. I’m pinning my hopes on that Asian thing, you know, with the
Ah yeah. Heroin.
Peter: “Paul, did you scream at my wife, kick my dog and beat my children
the last time you were here?!”
Paul: “But… but you said I should
make myself at home!”
Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten
by your neighbor?”
Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing
just fine on his own!”
Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test
Patient: I’m dying to know.
Doctor: Well, funny
you should say that...
Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her
balance – so I push her over, they fire me.
I tried sharing a sandwich with a homeless man on my way to work today.
But the meanie told me to go find my own.
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just
like that one.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated
right next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not something they
let you do if the baby is your own.
I don’t understand why the authorities even bother to punish polygamy. Two
mothers-in-law is already cruel enough.
In 1827, Dracula started to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins.
2013, he died of starvation.
Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!
Yep, it’s pain!
What’s black and white and red?
A nun that’s fallen down the stairs.
What’s black and white and laughing?
The nun who pushed her.
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”
Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”
only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss
A girl to her boyfriend: “I’m breaking up with you!”
“Because you’re constantly making fun of my weight!”
“Oh come on, honey, don’t be like that! Here, grab these two chairs, sit
yourself down on them and we will talk it out.”
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I just ran over a deer. I had to process that.
- John Smith (54),
There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots
of weight, and fast.
It’s marketed as a glue stick.
“And how do you find this year’s spring?”
Silvie, 25, suffers from severe pollen allergies
My poor skills as an electrician often leave people shocked.
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.
What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?
think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”
„Today’s forecast is blasting precipitations.“
A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“
The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“
The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you
“There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”
I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”
“Because it’s so
short and your nuts are showing underneath!”
God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like
for a guy to catch a cold.
What happens to the children that are not picked up from Smallland in Ikea?
And what are Köttbullar made out of?
An awkward housewarming visit:
“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch
has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”
on our cat.”
I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so
overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.
– Mike, 32, abruptly
ending his holiday in Thailand
“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger
Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.
Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlor on Friday
I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.
I read an article that they’ve trained dogs now so they can smell terminal
illnesses in people. Kind of a different experience, taking a dog like that
for a walk.
“Oooh, your dog really likes me!”
“I’m so very
Do you know the difference between a horse and a cactus?
Well just try sitting on one, then you’ll know it.
Best Black Humor Jokes
New Dark Humor Jokes