A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special
really... We just tell them they're going to die...”
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But
personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.
weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty
good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
A doctor tells a patient: “I’ve a good and a bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?”
Patient: “Oh no. The bad one, please.”
appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient: “And the good one?” asks
the shaken patient.
Doctor grins: “There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying
Why did Lisa fall of the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.”
“Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!”
“No no, you
misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the
Son, "Mommy, mommy, daddy hanged himself in the attic!"
Son, "Gotcha, April's fool! He hangs in
I was digging in our garden and
found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to
tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our
What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
He hasn’t opened his present yet.
A man who wants
to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”
Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it
in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I
didn’t realize you had a prescription.”
But you made a vow in the church that we remain
together till death do us part.
I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea
I made for you.
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