Have you heard they found a dead guy with his head buried in his
cornflakes?
The police believed it was a cereal killer.
A stressed-looking mom and little Johnny run around the beach.
After about fifteen minutes the mom stops, out of breath and demands,
„Come on Johnny, please remember where you buried daddy in the sand,
will you?“
Husband, “Honey, somebody vomited in our pots.”
-
Wife, “Har, har. Next time you cook.”
A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry,
we’re through!”
-
“What? You want to break up? Why?”
-
“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!”
-
“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two
chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”
An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked
about his paintings.
"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The
good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value
would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of
your paintings."
"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the
bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
My grandpa kept getting at me for years, telling me
how I’m hooked on all these ‘electronic gadgets’ and such. Look who’s
laughing now – he just had a pacemaker put in.
Three kids are at a Zoo. They seem to be fighting
near a wolf enclosure so an adult walks up to them and asks them their
names and what they’re up to.
The first kid says his name is Ronnie and that he was simply trying to
feed pickles to the wolves.
The second kid introduces herself as Libby and says she was also just
trying to feed pickles to the wolves.
The third child introduces herself as Pickles.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I
just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
You’d think they’d be grateful at the blood donor
clinic. Not harass me with stupid questions like, “Where did this blood
come from.”
This morning saw what will probably become the worst
air disaster in the Midwest.
An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm,
Wisconsin.
So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as
the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that number to
climb.
A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by
the tail and starts whirling him around.
„What on earth are you doing?!“ asks a passer-by. The blind man replies,
„Nothing, just looking around a bit.“
Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition
that I believe you can reach 80 years. "
-
"But doctor, I am already 80!"
-
"You see - I told you to quit smoking."
One cannibal complains to another, "Man I'm having a
terrible constipation lately!"
-
"See? I told you not to eat so many government clerks!"
Do you think there’s no good news about having
Alzheimer's?
You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly
making new friends.
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