"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand
times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
One man's trash is another Man's treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to
find out that you were adopted.
I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I
can barely hear my kids now.
A box of condoms, please.
That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think
you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing
the same to them at funerals.
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead
skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."
asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't
stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."
Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you
like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the
diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live."
the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."
Titanic: „And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”
Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?
Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – verb, not
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch
dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t really matter what you
call him, he won’t come anyway.
Why are orphans unable to play baseball?
They’ve never known what
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
Siri activates front camera.
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