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Black Humor | Black Jokes | Part 2

The best first:  If women suddenly disappeared off the face of the Earth, it would be a real pain in the ass. Literally.
"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."

One man's trash is another Man's treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
A box of condoms, please.
That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler.
Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."
Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."

Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?"

"The good one please."

"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live."

"And the bad one?"

"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."
 Titanic: „And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”
Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?
Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.

Btw – verb, not adjective.
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

 An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.  
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
Why are orphans unable to play baseball?
They’ve never known what home is.
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
Siri activates front camera.
 Next Part
Best Black Humor Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | New Dark Humor Jokes

See also: New jokes

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