"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him
like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they
look..."
One man's trash is another Man's treasure?
Wonderful saying – but horrible
way to find out that you were adopted.
Today I found my first grey pubic hair.
I got really
excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
A woman goes in the hospital for a very serious
operation. Naturally, she’s nervous about the whole thing and talks to
the surgeon the night before, “Oh doctor. I’m just so worried about this
operation! Is it really safe?”
The doctor pats her on the shoulder, “There’s no need for panic, Mrs.
Gimlick. I have personally performed this operation at least 30 times.
It’s got to work out one day!”
Why do you see so few black people on ocean cruises?
-
Well, they're not going to fall for that one again.
I had a few drinks after work, so I decided to take
the bus home rather than my car, you know, like they say on the
billboards. Well I don’t know what complete idiot thought of that. I
mean, come on, even
when you're sober, a bus must be a total beast to drive!“
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I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car.
It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids' griping now.
A box of condoms, please.
That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a
Rottweiler?
-
Just the Rottweiler.
Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half
an hour.
Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi /
Fantasy section.
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the
little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Titanic: „And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket
Challenge!”
Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?
Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.
It is interesting how different nations have their
dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes
Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
-
Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
Is there a better way to start your day than waking
up in a loving embrace of another human being?
Unless you’re in prison, of course.
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
-
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.
Never shock lepers.
That's the one jaw you do not want to drop.
Why are orphans unable to play baseball?
-
They’ve never known what home is.
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