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Sarcastic Jokes | Part 5

The best first: Ideal weight of a mother in law? 1.2 pounds including the urn.
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A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.
That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”
Funny Unexpected Turn

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.

There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.
Doctor: “I am very, very sorry. We accidentally removed your testicles.”
Patient: “You did what???!!! What do I do without them?!”
Doctor: “Would you like to file a complaint, madam?”
Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: I understand.

Patient: Understand what?
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A diabetic who’s been struck by lightning.
I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”
Next Part
Best Black Humor Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | New Dark Humor Jokes

See also: New jokes

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