LOL: Hilarious sayings packed with witty
remarks guaranteed to tickle your funny senses.
Oh phew. That was narrow. It nearly interested me.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”
I read
married couples do it about 74 times per year. It’s end of November
now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
It doesn't make sense. Why would God put the light
in the fridge if he didn’t want you to eat at night?
Just checked my bank account. Anybody in need of a kidney?
Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered
him.
I’m on a strict seafood diet.
I see
food, I eat it.
A message on a door mat:
“Please
wipe your shoes here. Unless they’re very dirty, then use the
neighbor's mat.”
I never do the same mistake twice.
I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
I became so fat, the only clothes I can still wear is a Hula hoop.
What not to say when you get pulled over:
Police officer:
Papers.
Driver: Scissors.
Always end up phone
calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.
There are people who are a living proof that total
brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t understand something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to
explain this to you.
I was sexually harassed at work
by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
Not giving a shit can surprisingly be the right
choice when your toilet breaks down.
Finally, the
spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.
I
wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is
a reflex.
How many times must I flush before you
finally go away?
Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is
fruit to me.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far
nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.
What can you say when it's already late and you
really want to go home?
Can you hear that? That's my pillow
calling and it becomes really mean when I let it wait too long.
If I’ve told you once,
I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
I’m
standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
I know now what whipping feels like. I was standing
in the wrong place when I pushed the cord retraction button on my
vacuum cleaner.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God
made me pretty, what’s he done to you?
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing
in her way.
They say every piece of chocolate you
eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in
1543.
Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags because
I am precious.
When I was a kid my parents used to
forbid me to even go near the cupboard with all the cleaning bottles.
I’m proud to say it works until today.
If I’m
driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.
How could men understand what
women want?
So often they have to watch women pluck out their
eyebrows only to paint them right on again!
Anyone
can get a sign from above.
And it’s a good sign when that sign
isn’t a roof tile.
Every evening I assure myself
that 5 hours of sleep is more than enough for a healthy, non-wuss
adult.
Every morning, I could punch myself in the face for
that.
Hangover: The revenge of the few surviving
brain cells for their fallen comrades.
The true
nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a
second cash desk.
They say money doesn’t grow on
trees, but why do banks have branches then?
An
opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the
optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
I'm not lazy.
I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
I’m not
reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I
want.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the
unexpected expected?
If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.
The shortest horror story: Monday.
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her,
go to the end of the world for her.
-
How to win the heart of a
man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.
Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake - but you are faster.
4 bottles of bleach: $20.00. A coil of rope, 4 rolls
of duct tape, and a shovel: $45.00. 3 boxes of XXL bin liners: $10.00.
-
The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
Don't be a fool, stop hating Mondays.
Be a professional and
hate the whole week!
The password to your life is
“Humor”.
Good persuasion technique:
Come over
to the dark side... we've got candy.
A truth of
life:
Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!
German saying:
Too long speeches lead to no
actions.
The weekend has landed:
Goodbye,
social status and dignity. I'll see you Monday.
Don't share the host's music taste?:
"I believe they are
actually using this music to keep the hobos from train stations."
Need to defend a messy apartment?
We maintain
an alternative lifestyle.
They say good, honest work
never did anybody any harm, but I don't want even the slightest risk.
Take a shower with your girlfriend, they said. It
would be romantic, they said. Yeah, I’ve been standing in the corner,
wet and freezing, handing her the shower gel, the shampoo, the
conditioner... I just hope she doesn’t start shaving her legs next.
Sunday early bird:
Why do you call so early?
It is Sunday! 3 pm in the morning!!!
May I be
excused? My brain is quite full.
Experts say you shouldn’t eat at night. So who put the light bulb in
the refrigerator?
Funny bumper stickers:
Do
we know each other? No? Then please keep your distance.
-
Sure,
overtake me if you want. We'll meet again at the next traffic light.
-
Braking is for suckers.
-
Am I driving too close in front
of you?
-
Escape vehicle. Please do not park too close.
-
I'm also lost. There's no need to follow me.
-
I never drive
faster than my guardian angel can fly.
Next: Funny Sayings Part 3 (Hilarious
Statements)
Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Part 4 |
Part 5 |
Part 6 |
Part 7 |
Part 8
See also:
New Sayings
|
Shower Thoughts
