Funny Sayings - Part 2 | Witty Remarks

Best first: Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
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LOL: Hilarious sayings packed with witty remarks guaranteed to tickle your funny senses.

Oh phew. That was narrow. It nearly interested me.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?

“Yep, gravity still works!”
I read married couples do it about 74 times per year. It’s end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
It doesn't make sense. Why would God put the light in the fridge if he didn’t want you to eat at night?
Just checked my bank account. Anybody in need of a kidney?
Finding Perfection Joke

Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.
I’m on a strict seafood diet.

I see food, I eat it.
I never do the same mistake twice.

I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
I became so fat, the only clothes I can still wear is a Hula hoop.
What not to say when you get pulled over:

Police officer: Papers.

Driver: Scissors.
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.
There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
When somebody doesn’t understand something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
I was sexually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
Not giving a shit can surprisingly be the right choice when your toilet breaks down.
Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.
I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.
What can you say when it's already late and you really want to go home?

Can you hear that? That's my pillow calling and it becomes really mean when I let it wait too long.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
I know now what whipping feels like. I was standing in the wrong place when I pushed the cord retraction button on my vacuum cleaner.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what’s he done to you?
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing in her way.
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
Fat? Me? No, no, no! These are airbags because I am precious.
When I was a kid my parents used to forbid me to even go near the cupboard with all the cleaning bottles. I’m proud to say it works until today.
If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.
How could men understand what women want?

So often they have to watch women pluck out their eyebrows only to paint them right on again!
Anyone can get a sign from above.

And it’s a good sign when that sign isn’t a roof tile.
Every evening I assure myself that 5 hours of sleep is more than enough for a healthy, non-wuss adult.
Every morning, I could punch myself in the face for that.
Hangover: The revenge of the few surviving brain cells for their fallen comrades.
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second cash desk.
They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?
An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I want.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

The shortest horror story: Monday.
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her.
How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.
Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake - but you are faster.
4 bottles of bleach: $20.00. A coil of rope, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $45.00. 3 boxes of XXL bin liners: $10.00.
The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
Don't be a fool, stop hating Mondays.
Be a professional and hate the whole week!
The password to your life is “Humor”.
Good persuasion technique:

Come over to the dark side... we've got candy.
A truth of life:

Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!
German saying:

Too long speeches lead to no actions.
The weekend has landed:

Goodbye, social status and dignity. I'll see you Monday.
Don't share the host's music taste?:

"I believe they are actually using this music to keep the hobos from train stations."
Need to defend a messy apartment?

We maintain an alternative lifestyle.
They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don't want even the slightest risk.
Take a shower with your girlfriend, they said. It would be romantic, they said. Yeah, I’ve been standing in the corner, wet and freezing, handing her the shower gel, the shampoo, the conditioner... I just hope she doesn’t start shaving her legs next.
Sunday early bird:

Why do you call so early? It is Sunday! 3 pm in the morning!!!
May I be excused? My brain is quite full.

Experts say you shouldn’t eat at night. So who put the light bulb in the refrigerator?
Funny bumper stickers:
Do we know each other? No? Then please keep your distance.
Sure, overtake me if you want. We'll meet again at the next traffic light.
Braking is for suckers.
Am I driving too close in front of you?
Escape vehicle. Please do not park too close.
I'm also lost. There's no need to follow me.
I never drive faster than my guardian angel can fly. 
Next: Funny Sayings Part 3 (Hilarious Statements)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

See also: New Sayings | Shower Thoughts

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