Funny Sayings - Part 6 | Humorous Expressions

Best first: It is what’s inside that matters - the fridge is a perfect example.
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All aboard the humor express! We deliver witty one-liners and humorous expressions to tickle your funny bone.

Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo doll of me.
More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already runs 75 miles a day.
Don’t believe everything you think. 
I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.
I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!
Of course I have a talent. I'm really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I'm not drunk.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.
Everyone wants what’s best for you.

So don’t you let them take it!!!
If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.
When somebody is totally angry, why not say:

"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."
A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.
Oh no, did you fall down?
No, I hugged the floor!
Come on, why are you crying then?
It was an emotional moment.
What – me?! A stalker?! Never! I just like to be well informed, that’s all.
Funny Morning Looks Explanation

I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I mean, where else would I get 40%?!
They forbid tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if you manage to hijack an airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you probably deserve that airplane.
I have a motivational problem. But only until I reach the point of having a deadline problem.
Next time you get a call from an unknown caller, pick it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere." and hang up.
When you don't know the answer or perhaps you don't want to say:

I will now answer you with a direct and unequivocal "maybe".
 Optimistic Comeback

9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy. The tenth is humming.
WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.

I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.  
When a bird hits your window, how do you know God isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?

I'm never late. The others are simply too early!
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight. 
Next: Funny Sayings Part 6 (Black Humor)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

See also: New Sayings | Shower Thoughts

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