Funny Sayings - Part 6 | Humorous Expressions

All aboard the humor express! We deliver witty one-liners and humorous expressions to tickle your funny bone.

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Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo doll of me.

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More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already runs 75 miles a day.

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Don’t believe everything you think. 

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I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.

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I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

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Of course I have a talent. I'm really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.

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If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I'm not drunk.

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He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

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Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.

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The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.

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Everyone wants what’s best for you.

So don’t you let them take it!!!

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If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

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When somebody is totally angry, why not say:

"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."

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A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.

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Oh no, did you fall down?
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No, I hugged the floor!
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Come on, why are you crying then?
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It was an emotional moment.

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What – me?! A stalker?! Never! I just like to be well informed, that’s all.

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I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I mean, where else would I get 40%?!

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They forbid tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if you manage to hijack an airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you probably deserve that airplane.

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I have a motivational problem. But only until I reach the point of having a deadline problem.

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Next time you get a call from an unknown caller, pick it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere." and hang up.

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When you don't know the answer or perhaps you don't want to say:

I will now answer you with a direct and unequivocal "maybe".

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9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy. The tenth is humming.

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WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.

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I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.  

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When a bird hits your window, how do you know God isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?

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I'm never late. The others are simply too early!

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I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight. 

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Next: Funny Sayings Part 6 (Black Humor)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8



See also: New Sayings | Shower Thoughts