All aboard the humor express! We deliver
witty one-liners and humorous expressions to tickle your funny bone.
Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo
doll of me.
More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already
runs 75 miles a day.
Don’t believe everything you
think.
I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very
relaxed person.
I’m aware that the
voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome
sometimes!
Of course I have a
talent. I'm really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in
one go.
If I can still lie on the ground without
having to hold myself, I'm not drunk.
He who wakes
up early, yawns all day long.
Dogs have beloved
masters. Cats have waiting staff.
The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke,
doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.
Everyone wants what’s best for you.
So don’t
you let them take it!!!
If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check
your pulse.
When somebody is totally angry, why not
say:
"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to
the dark side of the Force."
A lot of people are
only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.
Oh no, did you fall down?
-
No, I hugged the
floor!
-
Come on, why are you crying then?
-
It was an
emotional moment.
What – me?! A stalker?! Never! I
just like to be well informed, that’s all.
I decided to invest all my resources into alcohol. I
mean, where else would I get 40%?!
They forbid
tweezers on airplanes. But frankly, if you manage to hijack an
airplane with just a pair of tweezers, you probably deserve that
airplane.
I have a motivational problem. But only
until I reach the point of having a deadline problem.
Next time you get a call from an unknown caller,
pick it up and say: "It's done, but there's tons of blood everywhere."
and hang up.
When you don't know the answer or
perhaps you don't want to say:
I will now answer you with a
direct and unequivocal "maybe".
9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I'm crazy.
The tenth is humming.
WARNING: Alcohol consumption
may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite
definitely not.
I wouldn’t say my cooking is totally terrible, but native Indians keep
showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soups.
When a bird hits your window, how do you know God
isn’t playing Angry Birds with you?
I'm never late. The others are simply too early!
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small
for my weight.
Next: Funny Sayings Part 6 (Black
Humor)
Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Part 4 |
Part 5 |
Part 6 |
Part 7 |
Part 8
See also:
New Sayings
|
Shower Thoughts
