Arm yourself with a hilarious arsenal of quips. Clever and witty sayings to elevate every social situation.
My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.
A housewife's battle:
The household stares at me. I stare right back. Without breaking eye contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I won!
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
If you ever see me running, run like hell too. I’m far too lazy to be running without a good reason.
Flies don't stand a chance, I'm a one man S.W.A.T. team. r
Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.
Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.
If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water bill is higher too.
A list of things that look good in leopard pattern:
1. Leopards
*End of list*
That awkward moment when you wave back at your neighbor for about 5 minutes until you notice that she’s just been cleaning the window.
After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.
Rule No. 1: Women are always right.
Rule No. 2: If a woman is not right, Rule No.1 applies.
Girls want a lot from one guy.
On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.
“Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.”
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
Intelligent people are full of doubt (I think).
Here’s a cup full of the hoots I give: \_/
-
Ooooh no, look, it’s empty!
It's funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn't end as they carrot juice.
Monday office chat:
There are days one should really just sleep through. Like Monday through Friday.
I’ve got a problem for your solution.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Miss, I think you’re fantastic… Will you give me your phone number?
Sure, you can find it in the Yellow Pages.
But I don’t know your name?
Oh it’s in there too.
What rhymes with zoo and smells bad?
You.
Psychologists have found out that to maintain a good mental state, we should hug wholeheartedly around 9 people every day. Or punch one key person in the face.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.
I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.
Next: Funny Sayings Part 5 (Humorous Expressions)
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See also: New Sayings | Shower Thoughts
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