Funny Sayings - Part 4 | Quips

Best first: You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being infantile forever.
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Arm yourself with a hilarious arsenal of quips. Clever and witty sayings to elevate every social situation.

My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.
A housewife's battle:

The household stares at me. I stare right back. Without breaking eye contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I won!
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
If you ever see me running, run like hell too. I’m far too lazy to be running without a good reason.
Flies don't stand a chance, I'm a one man S.W.A.T. team. r You can hide from cake. But cake can’t hide from you.
Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.
Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.

If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water bill is higher too.

A list of things that look good in leopard pattern:

1. Leopards

*End of list*
That awkward moment when you wave back at your neighbor for about 5 minutes until you notice that she’s just been cleaning the window.
After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.
That Is Why You Smile

Rule No. 1: Women are always right.

Rule No. 2: If a woman is not right, Rule No.1 applies.
Girls want a lot from one guy.

On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.

When somebody talks crap:

“Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.”
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
Intelligent people are full of doubt (I think).
Here’s a cup full of the hoots I give: \_/
Ooooh no, look, it’s empty!
It's funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn't end as they carrot juice.
Monday office chat:
There are days one should really just sleep through. Like Monday through Friday.
I’ve got a problem for your solution.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Miss, I think you’re fantastic… Will you give me your phone number?

Sure, you can find it in the Yellow Pages.

But I don’t know your name?

Oh it’s in there too.
War never decides who is right. War only decides who is left.
What rhymes with zoo and smells bad?

Psychologists have found out that to maintain a good mental state, we should hug wholeheartedly around 9 people every day. Or punch one key person in the face.
Congress Hilariously Revealed

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.
I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.  
Next: Funny Sayings Part 5 (Humorous Expressions)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

See also: New Sayings | Shower Thoughts

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