If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to
nag him every 6 months about it.
You look just like I feel...
I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.
What do I have in common with a Victoria’s Secret best model?
1. Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their
shoes. It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a
mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.
Stop smoking for good.
Smoke for evil!
Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.
I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor though.
How stupid are you?
Funny that you can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter".
We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought
he was God.
Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.
Crazy? Me? Nah - It was the voices that told me to do it.
I speak fluent Ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has
dropped significantly lower since then.
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
What to say to a person that goes on your nerves?
I think you deserve
a standing ovation … of my longest finger!
I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that your urge to pee intensifies as
you are unlocking the door.
Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s
accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.
I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of
Of course you're not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.
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