Funny Sayings - Part 3 | Hilarious Statements

Best first: He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.
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Crack up any crowd with these hilarious funny sayings! Sidesplitting statements guaranteed to leave you in stitches.

What to say when nature calls in a polite but understanding society?

1. Excuse me, I have a stool appointment.

2. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing.

3. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of.

4. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure.

5. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown.

7. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer.

10. Pardon me, I must punish the porcelain.

11. Excuse me, I have to deliver Satan’s donuts.

12. Excuse me, I have to excrete.
I didn’t fall down.

I did attack the floor though.
How stupid are you?
a) very
b) A
c) B
Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.
What to say to a person that goes on your nerves?

I think you deserve a standing ovation … of my longest finger!
Top 10 funny messages for an answering machine message

1. Hello, this is Frank's fridge. If you leave a message, I will attach it on my door with a magnet.
2. Hello, I am David's answering machine. And who are you?
3. Hello, this is Death speaking. If you leave your name and telephone number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
4. Hi, I'm at home but unfortunately too drunk to find the telephone. Please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm capable of it.

5. Hello, this is Daniel's answering machine. Please leave a message between the beeps: Beep-beep. Nothing? OK, good bye.
6. Hello, this is Anna's answering machine. I'm always here for you and I love listening to you. Please leave a message after the beep.
7. No, please not the beep. Please, noooo.... Beep
8. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you. Please speak after the beep.
9. Hello, you are connected to the Vatican. All the confessionals are currently busy. Please explain your sins in full detail after the tone.
10. Hello? Hello? Yes, Aha... Well this is Tony's answering machine. Sorry he's not here. But you can leave him a message after the tone.

Funny offense:

You were the only child in your family to be given up for adoption.
 The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
17th October is the International Day for the Eradication of Poverty. r>
I checked my bank account and I think I’ll better spend October 17th in hiding.
If you have been struck by a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle:
Do you really need those extra few hours on a Saturday morning? But the kids are being noisy? Just tell them, “OK kiddos, wake me up in half an hour so we can finally get cracking on cleaning the house from top to bottom.”

You’re welcome.
Dental-Chair Revelation:

Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
If you’re using the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby", try taking candy from a baby.
The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
No, I don't read. The letters get really repetitive after a while.

Love life self-help:

Oh come on Amor, that's enough man. Give me the arrow and I'll do it myself!
Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together with no arguing, a bank has just been robbed.
My cactus died. Now it’s official. The desert takes better care of plants than I do.
I’ll be there to catch you whenever you fall.

Love, the floor.
A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.
When you’re calling a woman, you need to call her twice. First time to give her a chance to find the phone in her handbag, the second time for her to actually answer.
My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
Always be yourself. Unless you can also be a unicorn. In that case, always be a unicorn.
Some people's x-rays actually look much better than their photographs.
Of course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell them to obviously can't.
I'm really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.
You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.

You have to excuse me, I suffer from emotional constipation. I really can’t give a shit.

I’m happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to hunt tacos myself.
Next: Funny Sayings Part 3 (Quips)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

See also: New Sayings | Shower Thoughts

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