Latest Funny Sayings for the Year 2020 / 2019
You reap the rewards of hard work in the future.
But you reap the
benefits of laziness right here and now…
It’s really snowflake times when people get offended even at compliments.
What has the society gotten to? Only yesterday I complimented somebody on a
lovely mustache and she was beside herself!
When someone says he is bored:
Do you want a more adventurous
life? Close your eyes after the last snoozed alarm went off.
I wanted to buy a new skirt, but it didn’t fit. I was so mad I had to buy
myself a cake. That did fit.
Nope, I don't go on dates with married women!
But I’m your wife!
Sorry, no exceptions.
don’t believe flying is as safe as they try to convince us.
Have you ever
seen an old flight attendant?!
The polite offence:
You know, it’s getting harder and harder to
A wise woman knows that in order to bring a man down to his knees, she first
has to turn her back to him.
And then kneel and put her hands on the
If a man desires to change the world, he should do it while he’s
single.Once he marries, it’s a problem to even change the channel.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I occasionally lose my temper with the kids.
Then I remember that some animals eat their young – and I feel fine again!
“Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion.”
I’m quite fond of short guys.
I like how they look up to me.
My friend was bragging he made love to 2 Brazilian women.
of course I don’t believe him. Even though I’m not entirely sure how many a
Do this out loud:
Why do ovens have the light-only option on the control knob?! I’m so hungry
and all I did was shine up a frozen pizza!“
“Shall we go to the cinema?”
“Can’t, sorry. I’m on a diet.”
“What? What sort of a diet?!”
“A financial one.”
1) I may not be the prettiest girl around, but at least when I wash my face,
my eyebrows stay on.
You’re as hot as the tea I’m drinking!”
“Um… that’s… ice tea…”
You may not need a parachute to go skydiving, but you certainly need a
parachute if you want to go skydiving more than once.
The early worm gets the bird.
When someone shakes his finger at me like ‘you’re going to regret this in
the morning’, I just sleep until noon. I'm a natural solver.
Last month I made a firm resolution to lose 10 pounds. I only have 15 left
to go now.
German cats are just as resilient as ours.
They have nein lives.
I cannot remember ever having forgotten anything.
I don’t understand why there are so many people outside. I mean, don’t they
have Netflix or what?!
What’s the difference between you and a caterpillar?
become of you.
Darling, you’re just like a plunger. You keep dredging up old shit.
That’s it! I’m not drinking anymore!!
Not that I’m drinking any
less, though, either.
Love is temporary insanity. The only tried and tested cure for it is
I’ve come to the conclusion that suicide would really be the answer to all
my problems. Now I just have to persuade the right people to go for it.
Looking at you, I’d say you were born close to your
home. That’s where most accidents happen.
We should all take a moment and thank our legs and feet for a lifetime of
I wanted to lose weight so I’d be nicer to look at.
Then I realized I
love food far more than I like people.
When I hear the doorbell, I always answer with my jacket in my hand.
Depending on who’s there, I can either say I’ve only just came in, or I’m
just about to leave.
Me: I’d really love to travel…
My bank statement: I heard the balcony
has some amazing views this season!
Friend: Oooh, did you adopt a doggie?
Me: No. That’s my
“How old are you?”
“I don’t know… It keeps changing…”
The person most in need of a holiday is a person who just came back from
What I really do: Working at a McDonald’s at a cash desk.
on my CV: Handling financial transactions for a large multinational company.
You know you’re a bad driver when the satnav says, “After 500 meters, turn
left and stop the vehicle. I’ll be getting out.”
Do you know the difference between a kitchen and a bathroom?
goodness, your place must look a sight.
Never do anything you couldn’t see yourself explaining to the paramedics.
Men who claim that a woman’s place is in the kitchen clearly have no idea
what to do with her in the bedroom.
Of course there are a lot of more important things than money in life.
Provided you have enough money.
If vegans can call their creation soy sausage, I can totally call my burger
a beef salad.
You’re insulted by what I tell you to your face? Then imagine all the things
I don’t say out loud!
Psychiatrist are like Santa. They have a diagnosis for everyone.
I don’t have bad memory! I just have a really excellent starting Alzheimer.
Intellectual development. The realization how incredibly dumb you were a
couple of years ago.
Don’t tell me what to do and I won’t tell you where to go.
Feminism. The fight of women for equality over men.
My Subaru has one big plus.
On the battery cover.
My job is super confidential. As a result, I’ve no clue what I’m doing.
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