New Funny Sayings
Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?
Think about it – wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?
You reap the rewards of hard work in the future.
But you reap the benefits of laziness right here and now…
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s possibly because there’s more manure there!
My middle finger salutes you!
The worst thing about parallel parking are the eyewitnesses.
I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.
If you can't decide between running and eating chocolate, run to the store for some chocolate.
The early worm gets the bird.
When someone says he is bored:
Do you want a more adventurous life? Close your eyes after the last snoozed alarm went off.
I wanted to buy a new skirt, but it didn’t fit. I was so mad I had to buy myself a cake. That did fit.
Nope, I don't go on dates with married women!
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But I’m your wife!
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Sorry, no exceptions.
I don’t believe flying is as safe as they try to convince us.
Have you ever seen an old flight attendant?!
The polite insult:
You know, it’s getting harder and harder to underestimate you…
A wise woman knows that in order to bring a man down to his knees, she first has to turn her back to him.
And then kneel and put her hands on the ground.
If a man desires to change the world, he should do it while he’s single.Once he marries, it’s a problem to even change the channel.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I occasionally lose my temper with the kids. Then I remember that some animals eat their young – and I feel fine again!
I’m quite fond of short guys.
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I like how they look up to me.
My friend was bragging he made love to 2 Brazilian women.
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Come on, of course I don’t believe him. Even though I’m not entirely sure how many a brazillion is.
Do this out loud:
SAY: Eye
SPELL: M-A-P
SAY: Ness
“Shall we go to the cinema?”
“Can’t, sorry. I’m on a diet.”
“What? What sort of a diet?!”
“A financial one.”
1) I may not be the prettiest girl around, but at least when I wash my face, my eyebrows stay on.
You’re as hot as the tea I’m drinking!”
“Um… that’s… ice tea…”
Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
You may not need a parachute to go skydiving, but you certainly need a parachute if you want to go skydiving more than once.
When someone shakes his finger at me like ‘you’re going to regret this in the morning’, I just sleep until noon. I'm a natural solver.
Last month I made a firm resolution to lose 10 pounds. I only have 15 left to go now.
German cats are just as resilient as ours.
They have nein lives.
I cannot remember ever having forgotten anything.
I don’t understand why there are so many people outside. I mean, don’t they have Netflix or what?!
What’s the difference between you and a caterpillar?
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Nothing will become of you.
Darling, you’re just like a plunger. You keep dredging up old shit.
That’s it! I’m not drinking anymore!!
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Not that I’m drinking any less, though, either.
Love is temporary insanity. The only tried and tested cure for it is marriage.
I’ve come to the conclusion that suicide would really be the answer to all my problems. Now I just have to persuade the right people to go for it.
Funny insult:
Looking at you, I’d say you were born close to your home. That’s where most accidents happen.
We should all take a moment and thank our legs and feet for a lifetime of supporting us.
I wanted to lose weight so I’d be nicer to look at.
Then I realized I love food far more than I like people.
When I hear the doorbell, I always answer with my jacket in my hand. Depending on who’s there, I can either say I’ve only just came in, or I’m just about to leave.
Me: I’d really love to travel…
My bank statement: I heard the balcony has some amazing views this season!
Friend: Oooh, did you adopt a doggie?
Me: No. That’s my biological dog.
“How old are you?”
“I don’t know… It keeps changing…”
The person most in need of a holiday is a person who just came back from one.
What I really do: Working at a McDonald’s at a cash desk.
What goes on my CV: Handling financial transactions for a large multinational company.
You know you’re a bad driver when the satnav says, “After 500 meters, turn left and stop the vehicle. I’ll be getting out.”
Do you know the difference between a kitchen and a bathroom?
No? My goodness, your place must look a sight.
Never do anything you couldn’t see yourself explaining to the paramedics.
Men who claim that a woman’s place is in the kitchen clearly have no idea what to do with her in the bedroom.
Of course there are a lot of more important things than money in life. Provided you have enough money.
If vegans can call their creation soy sausage, I can totally call my burger a beef salad.
You’re insulted by what I tell you to your face? Then imagine all the things I don’t say out loud!
Psychiatrist are like Santa. They have a diagnosis for everyone.
I don’t have bad memory! I just have a really excellent starting Alzheimer.
Intellectual development. The realization how incredibly dumb you were a couple of years ago.
Don’t tell me what to do and I won’t tell you where to go.
Feminism. The fight of women for equality over men.
My Subaru has one big plus.
On the battery cover.
My job is super confidential. As a result, I’ve no clue what I’m doing.
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