New Funny Sayings
Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?
Think
about it – wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?
You reap the rewards of hard work in the future.
But you reap the benefits of laziness right here and now…
It’s really snowflake times when people get offended
even at compliments. What has the society gotten to? Only yesterday I
complimented somebody on a lovely mustache and she was beside herself!
You may think the grass is greener on the other
side, but it’s possibly because there’s more manure there!
My middle finger salutes you!
The worst thing about
parallel parking are the eyewitnesses.
I’m not
bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.
If you can't decide between running and eating
chocolate, run to the store for some chocolate.
The early worm gets the bird.
When someone says he is bored:
Do you want a more adventurous life? Close your eyes after the last
snoozed alarm went off.
I wanted to buy a new skirt, but it didn’t fit. I was so mad I had to
buy myself a cake. That did fit.
Nope, I don't go on dates with married women!
-
But I’m your wife!
-
Sorry, no exceptions.
I don’t believe flying is as safe as they try to
convince us.
Have you ever seen an old flight attendant?!
The polite insult:
You know, it’s getting harder and harder to underestimate you…
A wise woman knows that in order to bring a man down
to his knees, she first has to turn her back to him.
And then kneel and put her hands on the ground.
If a man desires to change the world, he should do it
while he’s single.Once he marries, it’s a problem to even change the
channel.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I occasionally lose my
temper with the kids. Then I remember that some animals eat their young
– and I feel fine again!
I’m quite fond of short guys.
-
I like how they look up to me.
My friend was bragging he made love to 2 Brazilian
women.
-
Come on, of course I don’t believe him. Even though I’m not entirely
sure how many a brazillion is.
Do this out loud:
SAY: Eye
SPELL: M-A-P
SAY: Ness
Why do ovens have the light-only option on the control knob?! I’m so
hungry and all I did was shine up a frozen pizza!“
“Shall we go to the cinema?”
“Can’t, sorry. I’m on a diet.”
“What? What sort of a diet?!”
“A financial one.”
1) I may not be the prettiest girl around, but at
least when I wash my face, my eyebrows stay on.
You’re as hot as the tea I’m drinking!”
“Um… that’s… ice tea…”
Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply
understands.
You may not need a parachute to go skydiving, but you
certainly need a parachute if you want to go skydiving more than once.
When someone shakes his finger at me like ‘you’re
going to regret this in the morning’, I just sleep until noon. I'm a
natural solver.
Last month I made a firm resolution to lose 10
pounds. I only have 15 left to go now.
German cats are just as resilient as ours.
They have nein lives.
I cannot remember ever having forgotten anything.
I don’t understand why there are so many people
outside. I mean, don’t they have Netflix or what?!
What’s the difference between you and a caterpillar?
-
Nothing will become of you.
Darling, you’re just like a plunger. You keep
dredging up old shit.
That’s it! I’m not drinking anymore!!
-
Not that I’m drinking any less, though, either.
Love is temporary insanity. The only tried and tested cure for it is
marriage.
I’ve come to the conclusion that suicide would really
be the answer to all my problems. Now I just have to persuade the right
people to go for it.
Funny insult:
Looking at you, I’d say you were born close to your home. That’s where
most accidents happen.
We should all take a moment and thank our legs and
feet for a lifetime of supporting us.
I wanted to lose weight so I’d be nicer to look at.
Then I realized I love food far more than I like people.
When I hear the doorbell, I always answer with my
jacket in my hand. Depending on who’s there, I can either say I’ve only
just came in, or I’m just about to leave.
Me: I’d really love to travel…
My bank statement: I heard the balcony has some amazing views this
season!
Friend: Oooh, did you adopt a doggie?
Me: No. That’s my biological dog.
“How old are you?”
“I don’t know… It keeps changing…”
The person most in need of a holiday is a person who
just came back from one.
What I really do: Working at a McDonald’s at a cash
desk.
What goes on my CV: Handling financial transactions for a large
multinational company.
You know you’re a bad driver when the satnav says,
“After 500 meters, turn left and stop the vehicle. I’ll be getting out.”
Do you know the difference between a kitchen and a
bathroom?
No? My goodness, your place must look a sight.
Never do anything you couldn’t see yourself
explaining to the paramedics.
Men who claim that a woman’s place is in the kitchen
clearly have no idea what to do with her in the bedroom.
Of course there are a lot of more important things
than money in life. Provided you have enough money.
If vegans can call their creation soy sausage, I can
totally call my burger a beef salad.
You’re insulted by what I tell you to your face? Then
imagine all the things I don’t say out loud!
Psychiatrist are like Santa. They have a diagnosis
for everyone.
I don’t have bad memory! I just have a really
excellent starting Alzheimer.
Intellectual development. The realization how
incredibly dumb you were a couple of years ago.
Don’t tell me what to do and I won’t tell you where
to go.
Feminism. The fight of women for equality over men.
My Subaru has one big plus.
On the battery cover.
My job is super confidential. As a result, I’ve no
clue what I’m doing.
Best Funny Sayings
