Hilarious Jokes | Part 3

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

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A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.

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9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

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Why did Jeremy gobble up his homework?
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He was told it was a piece of cake.

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Check out our Anti-Jokes

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A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”

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Did you hear about that kidnapping at school?!
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I mean, that brat even started to snore!

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OK, enough! I’ll not be drinking any more!!
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Not any less though, either.

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Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were carrying it over!
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Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.

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Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?
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Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.

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“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”

“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”

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At a job interview:
 
“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
 
“Honesty.”
 
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
 
“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”

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Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers?
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Sharks observe professional courtesy.

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A guy stands up at the close of a company meeting, “Guys, I just wanted to ask for your help, I lost a wallet with 450 dollars in it, if you happen to find it, please let me know, there’ll be a 50 dollars finder’s fee!”
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Somebody in the back says, “I offer 100!”

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A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

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Earth says to Venus: “You need to get some life!“

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My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.

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Let’s all stop and give some thanks to our feet and legs for always supporting us.

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 An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting room. A nurse walks out of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of you came first?”
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“Seriously!” shouts the chicken,” Here, too?!”

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I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.

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Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”

The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”

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Jenny, if you think your husband’s handsome, you should see my boyfriend.

Oh, he’s a hottie, is he?

Nope, an optician though.

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Next Part
of the Hilarious Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

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