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Hilarious Jokes | Part 3

The best first: 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

     
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget that I exist and only approach me when they need something.

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
 
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
 Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were carrying it over!

Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.
Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?
-
Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.
Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.
“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”

“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.

 Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”

Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
At a job interview:
 
“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
 
“Honesty.”
 
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
 
“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”

Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.
A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
 
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
 I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”

The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
Jenny, if you think your husband’s handsome, you should see my boyfriend.

Oh, he’s a hottie, is he?

Nope, an optician though.
Next Part
of the Hilarious Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6




 
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