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Hilarious Jokes | Part 3

The best first: 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
The view of a female cleavage reduces the concentration of a male by 50% (per breast).
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
– Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were carrying it over!
– Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.
Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!
Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?
Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.
Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget that I exist and only approach me when they need something.
You’re really sucked up.
I ate you.
You’re a stupid grass mole.

Having an argument in the times of auto correct.
A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes.

The man says, “Great. So I want:
1. Lifelong access to any cinema,
2. I want to be 10 years younger and
3. I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii.
“I’m happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You'll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish,” says the frog.
“OK,” agrees the man reluctantly, “in that case I’d like to finally understand women.”
The frog looks at him for a while: “And should the highway be a three-lane or a four-lane one?”

Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.
“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”

“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.

 Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”

Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
Woman: Do you have any idea who I am?!
Man: No…?
Woman: I’m his wife!
Man: Well do you have any idea who I am?!
Woman: No…?
Man: Excellent. *Leaves*
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
At a job interview:
“Mrs Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”

Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.
My daughter really, really wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party.
I gave in in the end. I had her and her little friends cleaning the house till nightfall.
A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
What do you call a blind dino?
An I-don’t-think-it-saurus.
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
I would really like to beef up my self-esteem a bit, but I don't deserve it.
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
 I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We’ll talk about it.
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”

The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
Jenny, if you think your husband’s handsome, you should see my boyfriend.

Oh, he’s a hottie, is he?

Nope, an optician though.
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of the Hilarious Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

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