8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he
spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last
one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.
Why did Jeremy gobble up his homework?
He was told it was a
piece of cake.
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a
famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re
the one responsible for that!”
Did you hear about that kidnapping at school?!
I mean, that
brat even started to snore!
OK, enough! I’ll not be drinking any more!!
Not any less though, either.
Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were
carrying it over!
Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK,
the soup is only lukewarm.
Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?
nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.
“Waiter, could you bring me
some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a
little bit, they are currently all in use.”
At a job interview:
“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest
“Really? I don’t believe that is a
weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe
A guy stands up at the close of a company meeting, “Guys, I just wanted
to ask for your help, I lost a wallet with 450 dollars in it, if you
happen to find it, please let me know, there’ll be a 50 dollars finder’s
Somebody in the back says, “I offer 100!”
Seriously, some limits, please! I’m getting a bit tired of the constant
police advertisements that they’re constantly sticking under my screen
A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
Earth says to Venus: “You need to get some life!“
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the
job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters
gear, the bastard said I was fired.
Let’s all stop and give some thanks to our feet and legs for always
An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting room. A nurse walks out
of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of you came first?”
“Seriously!” shouts the chicken,” Here, too?!”
I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I
walk Threemiles twice a day.
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
Jenny, if you think your husband’s handsome, you should see my boyfriend.
Oh, he’s a hottie, is he?
Nope, an optician though.
of the Hilarious Jokes