8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he
spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I
am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.
Why did Jeremy gobble up his homework?
He was told it was a piece of cake.
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for
Did you hear about that kidnapping at school?!
I mean, that brat even started to snore!
OK, enough! I’ll not be drinking any more!!
Not any less though, either.
Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my
soup as you were carrying it over!
Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only
Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?
Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.
“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently
all in use.”
At a job interview:
“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers?
Sharks observe professional courtesy.
A guy stands up at the close of a company meeting,
“Guys, I just wanted to ask for your help, I lost a wallet with 450
dollars in it, if you happen to find it, please let me know, there’ll be
a 50 dollars finder’s fee!”
Somebody in the back says, “I offer 100!”
A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s
jokes, we have guests.
Earth says to Venus: “You need to get some life!“
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job
you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the
office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
Let’s all stop and give some thanks to our feet and
legs for always supporting us.
An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting
room. A nurse walks out of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of
you came first?”
“Seriously!” shouts the chicken,” Here, too?!”
I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It
sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you
believe it, I’ve got humans!”
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
Jenny, if you think your husband’s handsome, you
should see my boyfriend.
Oh, he’s a hottie, is he?
Nope, an optician though.
of the Hilarious Jokes
| Part 2
| Part 4
| Part 6