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Hilarious Jokes | Part 5

The best first: “I was sitting in a bus today when a blind person came in. I offered my seat to him. The blind person was very happy and took it. Unfortunately I lost my job as a bus driver.”

I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.
Cookies. I made cookies for you.

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event. The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband, "Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?"
The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?"
The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise, I won’t get angry."
The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."
Why isn't the military accepting karate pros?
Because when they salute they might kill themselves.
Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.
 A guy’s brain cell meets another brain cell and wonders: “Where is everybody? It’s so dark and empty in here!”
“Just come with me,” says the other brain cell, “They’re all down there.”
Roses are red.
Violets are red.
My lawn is red.
My dog is red.
Oh hell, my garden’s on fire.
I am coughing and my nose is stuck.
Internet diagnosis: I am 26 weeks pregnant!
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”
Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”

The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”

“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
“So? Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”
A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.

A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.

 A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.

In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.

 “Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”
"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?
Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again.

A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that the jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch. “That is true,” he responded, “but it does depend at what speed you are carrying that torch.”

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”
A guy goes to the information desk in a supermarket and says, “ I’m looking for insulation wool for my hobby room.”

The clerk apologizes that they sell no such thing, perhaps he’d be more lucky at a Home Depot.

“OK,” agrees the man, “all jokes aside, I’m looking for tampons for my wife.”
 A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories. But I don’t care. I never eat the glass anyway.
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.

When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.

 On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.

In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'

‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'

'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.

There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"

I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.

As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."
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Hilarious Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

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