You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
You have my Word!
Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me.
And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is
full of psychos!
Doctor, please help, already for a couple of months I’ve been hearing this
horrible whistling after I’ve had intercourse with my wife.
did you expect? A standing ovation?
Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
“Hey – did you just call
me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with
3 females and only 1 bathroom.
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack
it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
up I said!“
I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”
“Wow, you’ve been to the
“No, but I wished it before.”
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air
would come out.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman
from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the
air back into him again.”
I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to
take his bike away.
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I
called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, a house doesn’t
jump at all.
Sleep with an open window tonight!
1400 mosquitos like that. 420
mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.
invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the
waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
The waiter: “Today,
sir, the bull won.”
How to kill a male walrus?
Point to his chest and say, “You've got
“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a
serious discount on that car!”
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road,
how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the
door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you
mad? I barely know that woman!”
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you
tell me how to throw the old one away?"
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the
window instead of the door.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you
were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
“Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your
age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Why do women live on average two years longer?
Because the time
they spend parking doesn’t count.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a
funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops
mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in
His opponent comments: "That must be the most
touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man,
recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
What does a crocodile say when it eats a clown? "Tastes funny somehow!"
What goes up and down but never moves?
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no
Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"
"I don't know."
"Why do dogs bark?"
"I don't know."
"Why is the earth round?"
"I don't know."
"Does it disturb
you that I ask so much?"
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will
never learn anything."
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic
The genie grants each of them one wish.
first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy
wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very
lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on
– the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first,
but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good
chance of winning.
Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
Woman: Yeah, sure!
Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!