Contact Privacy
 

Hilarious Jokes | Part 6

The best first: I was breastfed till 2.
 
But enough me talking about how my day was, what did you do?

     
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
-
You have my Word!

Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
-
Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
 
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos! 
Doctor, please help, already for a couple of months I’ve been hearing this horrible whistling after I’ve had intercourse with my wife.

And what did you expect? A standing ovation?
Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
-
“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
-
But sir, this is a buffet.
-
Pack it up I said!“
I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”

“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”

“No, but I wished it before.”
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
 
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
-
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
-
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Sleep with an open window tonight!

1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
-
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
-
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”
How to kill a male walrus?
-
Point to his chest and say, “You've got something there!”

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”
 
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
 
   The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”
Why do women live on average two years longer?
-
Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
 
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
What does a crocodile say when it eats a clown? "Tastes funny somehow!"
What goes up and down but never moves?
-
The stairs!
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Why do dogs bark?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Why is the earth round?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
-
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

 The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.  
I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.
Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
-
Woman: Yeah, sure!
-
Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!
More jokes
Hilarious Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6




 
 Do you know a good joke?
Please submit it here:



Security question:
What do you see on the pictrues?






 
UP to the top of the page
 
Press Ctrl + D on your keyboard (Mac: Command + D) to add short-funny.com to your bookmarks.

© Copyright Short-Funny.com