It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are
"Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”
“I know, one of them’s
just been serving me.”
What day does the egg fear the most? Friday.
Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because they were directed by Yoda.
That awkward moment when your entire Math class is discussing whether the
result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.
Proper spelling and grammar is very important and for instance a coma can
totally change the meaning of a statement.
Here’s an example:
"Travis is in a rush."
"Travis is in a coma."
Girl: "I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the
time. I think we should split up."
Me: "Excellent idea. That way we
can cover more ground."
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when
there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
The Grandpa feels
very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says,
“That’s intercourse, my boy.”
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve
just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk
A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t
believe what happened. I dreamt I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I
can’t see my pillow anywhere!”
The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine,
it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in vain
for the past 5 minutes!”
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live
directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many
rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,”
answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor
again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I
still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
The person who thought it’s a good idea to put the light switch outside of
the bathroom clearly didn’t have any siblings.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend says she’s not hungry but ends up
eating half of your food after you've just ordered for yourself.
My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what
to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and
got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she
comes back again from work.
My teacher asked me to characterize myself in 5 words.
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the
1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you
do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First
of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t
listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
A hard-of-hearing granny
from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to
see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go
drinking with my best friends.
Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to
McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy
that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good
looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking
at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling
expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat
you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t
Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year
ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending
nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”
of the Hilarious Jokes