New Dad Jokes

 

New Dad Jokes 2024

Why did the calf cross the road?
 
It wanted to get to the udder side.

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I get all kinds of weird looks at the gym. Can’t they bring their own pizza?

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That awkward moment when you borrow your dad’s electric beard trimmer, disappear in the bathroom for 40 minutes and your dad wonders what you were doing there because your beard looks just like it did before…

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Why did the lights go out?
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They liked each other a lot.

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What is black, cool, and stands in a forest?
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A deer in a leather jacket.

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Feeling amused? Explore our Puns section!

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A waiter came to me in Pizza Hut yesterday and said, “I see you have an empty glass there. Would you like another?”

I don’t know what’s wrong with people. What would I do with two empty glasses?!

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Why don’t fish play tennis?
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They have issues with the net.

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I can only handle 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why (y).

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I love vegan food! It makes an excellent side dish to any meat!

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Seriously, some limits, please! I’m getting a bit tired of the constant police advertisements that they’re constantly sticking under my screen wiper. 

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I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today.
 
His name is Brocko Lee.

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What tea is it not a good idea to drink?
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TNT. 

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 What happened on the 1.1.1111?
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A new year started.

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The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.

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Check out our Anti-Jokes

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Why is it pointless to play hide and seek with mountain ranges?
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They peak.

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A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I swallowed a key. Can you please get it out of my belly?”
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The doctor asks: “When did you swallow it?”
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“About 3 years ago.”
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“Really? Why are you coming this late?!”
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“Well… I lost my spare key.”

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I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever, wherever, and know they deserved it.

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Why is there a donut sitting at the dentist’s office?
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It’s there to get a filling.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
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Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
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Insanitea

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My son is 9 and wants to move out because we constantly forbid him everything.

Well, we forbid him that too.

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I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.

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The news said that our preteens have an obesity problem. I will not be passive anymore in this issue. I will get myself an ice cream truck and when all those fat preteens come running, I will always drive off a tiny bit further just before they can reach me!

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A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!"
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Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!

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My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. But I think it's just a stage he's going through.

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I have two very nice lamps in my living room. We have an on-and-off relationship.

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My girlfriend bet me I’d never be able to build a car out of spaghetti. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.

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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

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“Captain, we ran out of ice cubes!”
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Captain: “I have an idea. Machine room: 10 degrees starboard!”

(True story of the Titanic)

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“I want to win 10 million in the lottery, just like my dad did!”

“OMG, your dad won 10 million in the lottery?!”

“No, but he always wanted to.”

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What kind of cake is the most popular one in cake shops?
Answer: “This one!“

And the second most popular?
Answer: “No, no – that one, right next to it!”

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“What to call a bear who’s lost all its teeth?
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A gummy bear!”

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Dad Jokes Part 1 | Part 2 | New Dad Jokes
See also: Best Puns | Bad Jokes

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