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New Puns 2018 | 2019

The best first: I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
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Very funny new puns

God finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth, with darkness and light taking turns. He looked upon it and saw that it was good. An angel asked him admiringly, “Amazing! What now, Lord?”
“Hm,” said the Lord, “I think I’m gonna call it a day.”

A chicken and an egg are sitting in a psychiatry’s waiting area. A nurse comes out of the office and asks, “So, who of you came first?”

“Oh for crying out loud! Not here, too!”
Do you know how to make a hotdog stand?
You take his seat away.
I heard some pretty juicy rumor about butter. But I decided not to spread it.
What do you call a deeply religious cow that just performed a miracle?
Two weirdly dressed strangers knocked on my door yesterday. They insisted I need to be saved, by God!!! Told them to buzz off and bother somebody else. Ruddy firemen.
A bra is a uniquely democratic tool. It empowers the small, it supports the big and keeps the masses together.
A guy trying to rob a disco: “Everybody, hands up in the air!”
Everybody: “YEAAHHH!!!! Wooohhoooo!!!”
I took up fencing.
The police insist I have to give it back.
Pizza Pun
 If you’re holding a bee, what is in your eye?
Beauty, everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I’m thinking of expanding into glass coffins. Will the business take off? Remains to be seen.
I wanted to tell you a vacuum joke. But it sucked too hard.
Why did the airplane disappear from the airport?
It had terminal illness.
Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...
It's a seriously vicious cycle.

You know that famous joke about the side walk?
Man, it’s all over town!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A necktarine.
Some bastard hit me in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.
I mean really, how low can you go?
My puns are excellent koala tea. (quality)

Don’t get me wrong, I like humor and jokes like everybody else. But when it comes to air conditioning jokes – just not a fan
Why is the letter “C” the only good letter in the alphabet?
Because all the others are Not-Cs.
What does a blanket say when it falls off the bed?
Oh sheet!
I know a guy who occasionally sells me a gun or two.

Everyone calls him T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.
I thought tables couldn’t bleed.
Then I was introduced to the periodic table.
I’m looking for some good fish jokes.
If you know any, let minnow.
Why does a room crowded with happy couples seem so empty?
There’s literally not a single person in there.
I invested into a thesaurus, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
Q: What did one coffin say to his friend in the darkness of the tomb?
A: Hey, dude, is that you coffin?
I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism. I mean come on, there are so many red flags!
Some guy in the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.
I admit I lost it.
I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half-sisters.
What is the filthiest country in the world?
How can you kill a whole circus?
You’ve got to go for the juggler.
I bought some gloves today, they’re really warm and snuggly, but unfortunately they’re both left. So, on one hand, that’s awesome, but then again on the other hand, it’s really not right…
I’d tell you a really good joke about clouds. But I’m afraid it’s way over your head.
Have you heard about the kidnapping at school?!
He actually started to snore!

Question: A plane crashed down with 200 people on board. Every single person died, yet there were a 100 survivors. How is that possible?
Answer: All the married ones lived.
I was told words can’t truly hurt you. Seemed logical. Until my wife threw a dictionary at my head.
What do you call a chicken that’s scared of sharks?
A chicken.
If I win a lottery, I’m committed to giving a quarter from it to charity. So even if I don’t win that much, 25 cents I can still part with.
I can’t stand it when people repeat themselves pointlessly. I just can’t stand it!
I never got why they ask you if you want a table when you get to a restaurant. No, I don’t want a table, I want some food, man!
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