New Puns

The best first: The recipe said, „Set your oven at 90 degrees.”
I did, but how do I get it open now?
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What did the child ketchup say to dad ketchup?
“Wait for me, I need to ketchup!”

Do you know how to make a hotdog stand?
You take his seat away.
Why does the nurse take a red crayon with her to the hospital?
To draw blood.
I heard some pretty juicy rumor about butter. But I decided not to spread it.
Two weirdly dressed strangers knocked on my door yesterday. They insisted I need to be saved, by God!!! Told them to buzz off and bother somebody else. Ruddy firemen.
A bra is a uniquely democratic tool. It empowers the small, it supports the big and keeps the masses together.
I’m thinking of expanding into glass coffins. Will the business take off? Remains to be seen.
Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.

You know that famous joke about the side walk?
Man, it’s all over town!
Some bastard hit me in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.
I mean really, how low can you go?
Why is the letter “C” the only good letter in the alphabet?
Because all the others are Not-Cs.
Seen enough puns? Discover a new category!
I know a guy who occasionally sells me a gun or two.

Everyone calls him T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.
I invested into a thesaurus, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism. I mean come on, there are so many red flags!
Some guy in the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.
I admit I lost it.
What is the filthiest country in the world?
Have you heard about the kidnapping at school?!
He actually started to snore!

What do you call a chicken that’s scared of sharks?
A chicken.
I was told words can’t truly hurt you. Seemed logical. Until my wife threw a dictionary at my head.
If I win a lottery, I’m committed to giving a quarter from it to charity. So even if I don’t win that much, 25 cents I can still part with.
I can’t stand it when people repeat themselves pointlessly. I just can’t stand it!
I never got why they ask you if you want a table when you get to a restaurant. No, I don’t want a table, I want some food, man!
Best Puns Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

See also: New Puns | Dad Jokes

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