(In National Geographic narrator voice) Even though at first sight, they may
seem cuddly, friendly and sweet, one must not forget that women are still
My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even
thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.
How to keep a man busy: - “Darling, could you pass me my hair pin?
It’s in my handbag.”
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push!
You have to push harder!" - She said: “Stop talking to me you
cretin!” - I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she
wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives? -
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.
I always take too long to notice when somebody’s flirting with me.
Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married with 4 kids.
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"
"Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it.
The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“
When did you get to know your wife? - Sadly, about a week after
Doctor: "Mrs. Apfelbaum, your husband is very sick." - Wife: "Oh
no. What is it?" - Doctor: "He is sick of your shit!" - Doctor
winks ;) at the husband and gives him a high five.
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my
darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
Husband leaves the house with the dog. - Wife asks: "Are you taking
the donkey for a walk?" - Husband: "You mean the dog, right?" -
Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"
That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the
husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes… First Part
Husband and Wife Jokes