Wife and Husband Jokes | Part 5

(In National Geographic narrator voice) Even though at first sight, they may seem cuddly, friendly and sweet, one must not forget that women are still dangerous predators.

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My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.

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How to keep a man busy:
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“Darling, could you pass me my hair pin? It’s in my handbag.”

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That awkward moment when your wife says something from another room. You ask “what?” and then she replies with “what?”

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I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
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She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
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I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...

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Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
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A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

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My wife has this magic trick. Just one look from her is enough, and I immediately know that whatever happened was my mistake.

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I always take too long to notice when somebody’s flirting with me. Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married with 4 kids.

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My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back.
 
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
 
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"

"Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"

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When did you get to know your wife?
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Sadly, about a week after the wedding.

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Doctor: "Mrs. Apfelbaum, your husband is very sick."
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Wife: "Oh no. What is it?"
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Doctor: "He is sick of your shit!"
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Doctor winks ;) at the husband and gives him a high five.

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My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”

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Husband leaves the house with the dog.
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Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"
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Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"
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Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"

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That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…

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First Part
 Husband and Wife Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

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