The best first: Wife calls her mother: "Today I
fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again. -
Mother: No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
(In National Geographic narrator voice) Even though at first sight, they
may seem cuddly, friendly and sweet, one must not forget that women are
still dangerous predators.
My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even
thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no. How to keep a man busy:
-
“Darling, could you pass me my hair pin? It’s in my handbag.”
That awkward moment when your wife says something
from another room. You ask “what?” and then she replies with “what?” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push
honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
-
She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
-
I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to
the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to
have 2 wives?
-
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.
My wife has this magic trick. Just one look from her
is enough, and I immediately know that whatever happened was my
mistake.I always take too long to notice when somebody’s
flirting with me. Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married
with 4 kids.
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come
back.
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"
"Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"
When did you get to know your wife?
-
Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
Doctor: "Mrs. Apfelbaum, your husband is very sick."
-
Wife: "Oh no. What is it?"
-
Doctor: "He is sick of your shit!"
-
Doctor winks ;) at the husband and gives him a high five.
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far.
I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest
of them.”
Husband leaves the house with the dog.
-
Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"
-
Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"
-
Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!" That awkward moment, one year into your marriage,
when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
First
Part
Husband and Wife Jokes
