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Wife and Husband Jokes | Part 5

The best first: Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again. - Mother: No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”

And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.

My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.

(In National Geographic narrator voice) Even though at first sight, they may seem cuddly, friendly and sweet, one must not forget that women are still dangerous predators.
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”

The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.

She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about one hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs: “Mary, by Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right again!”
I always take too long to notice when somebody’s flirting with me. Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married with 4 kids.
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back.
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"

"Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"
When did you get to know your wife?
Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
My wife said she’d leave me unless I stop playing constantly with the walkie-talkie, over.
My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!”

I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.

My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess.

Very well, I married her to a weird guy old enough to be her grandpa to strengthen my business alliance with Germany.
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
Doctor: "Mrs. Apfelbaum, your husband is very sick."
Wife: "Oh no. What is it?"
Doctor: "He is sick of your shit!"
Doctor winks ;) at the husband and gives him a high five.
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was.

So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away.

Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
Husband leaves the house with the dog.
Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"
Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"
Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"

That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
First Part
 Husband and Wife Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

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