I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She
looked surprised to hear it.
Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?
A: Because he
wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.
A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done
paying for it."
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to
take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not
related to her or her husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s
something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and
Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t,
don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped
hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.“
When a woman asks if you think she’s fat, just say, “Hang on, I’ll just walk
over to your front side.”
Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your
mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is. Work
first, then fun.”
Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?
He lies on
the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts.
85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the
“What the hell, are you insane?!”
„What? Why? I thought we agreed
we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”
“Yes, Roger, but this was my mother!”
A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”
Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be
wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”
“Absolutely not!” smiles
the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”
She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."
sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."
She: "True, but I do."
When a woman says something like “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t
do what you want. Stand still as a statue. No blinking. Play dead.
"I got lost."
"Where are you?"
"In the car."
Ladies and gentlemen - I present to you my wife!
I heard people say you can’t live without love.
I still think oxygen
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two
hours at least!"
"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets
But then it’s already too late for him.
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time
to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
A man and a woman are having a date.
The woman remarks, “You know,
you look totally like my third husband!”
The man is startled and
asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”
A woman says, I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a
And what was he before?
My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh
boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a
cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her
My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behavior.
may want all she likes, but she’s not getting inside my pillow castle
without a password!
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what
The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk
to me for a month.”
The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.”
My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text
messages, I had to admit she was right.
Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.
No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look
pretty for you.
Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those
Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins... he loses.
Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
Why do they call it the “mother tongue”? Because the man never gets to put a
A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live
longer than men who point it out.
An elderly couple:
“Jim, I just cannot fall asleep…”
Jim: “The evil never sleeps.”
Men who ignore their wives’ raised eyebrows are losing valuable time in
which to escape.
One easy step to lose an argument with a wife: 1) Argue.
Husband and Wife Jokes