Why are ghost such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I stole my friend’s wheelchair. Guess who is comes crawling back to me?!
Man to his wife:
I’d never say you’re fat! You’re just a bit more
What would you call a person who had no body and no nose?
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that
I saw this sweet poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself. At
least I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than 3.50 in her
I never hold my farts in. Only assholes do that.
Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
Where do fish sleep?
In the RiverBed.
Talk is cheap, yeah? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?!
My wife’s driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. She got 7 out of
12. The 5 managed to run to safety.
I called the hospital but the line was dead.
Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something
to your hair?
Wife: Michael, I’m over here!
Do you know a tree’s favorite drink?
What did one plate say to his friend?
Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Two invisible men meet. One says to the other: “Hey dude, long time no see!”
When everything’s coming your way – perhaps you’re in the wrong direction
on the highway?
A woman sees an angler at a lake, “And, are they biting?”
angler replies, “Only if they are provoked.”
Best One Liners